Original Airdate on ABC: 17-APR-2005 Written by Jenna Bans
Directed by Arlene Sanford==========================
CAST:
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Teri Hatcher as SUSAN MEYER
Felicity Huffman as LYNETTE SCAVO
Marcia Cross as BREE VAN DE KAMP
Eva Longoria as GABRIELLE SOLIS
Brenda Strong as MARY ALICE YOUNG / NARRATOR
James Denton as MIKE DELFINO
Steven Culp as REX VAN DE KAMP
Nicolette Sheridan as EDIE BRITTMark Moses as PAUL YOUNG
Ricardo Antonio Chavira as CARLOS SOLIS
Cody Kasch as ZACK YOUNG
Andrea Bowen as JULIE MEYER
Jesse Metcalfe as JOHN ROWLAND
Christine Estabrook as MRS. HUBER
Joy Lauren as DANIELLE VAN DE KAMP
Doug Sevant as TOM SCAVO
Zane Huett as PARKER SCAVO
Brent Kinsman as PRESTON SCAVO / PORTER SCAVO
Shane Kinsman as PRESTON SCAVO / PORTER SCAVO
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Recap
Mary Alice Voiceover: Previously on desperate housewives….
[INT – Meyer House – Kitchen – Day]
Julie: Grandma’s here
(Off Susan’s ‘oh no’ look)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Meyer House – Day]
(Off Sophie’s oops look)
Mary Alice Voiceover: In life….
[INT – Solis House - Living Room – Day]
Carlos: Its called a post nuptial agreement
[INT – Solis House – Dining Room – Day]
Gabrielle: I’m not signing this
(Struggle/ screams as Carlos forces Gabrielle to sign the post-nup)
Gabrielle: Stop you’re hurting me
[INT – John’s Apartment – Entrance – Day]
John: Mrs Solis, what are you doing here?
Mary Alice Voiceover: ….You can’t change what’s already been done….
[INT – Delfino House – Living Room – Day]
(Mike is looking at a photograph of him and Deirdre when they were younger)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Delfino House – Day]
(Police arrest Mike, cuffing him on his car)
Deirdre’s Dad (Noah): People leave trails one of those trails will lead to Deirdre. I’m not taking my money to the grave, I’m going to use it to save your ass
[INT – Restaurant – Night]
(Mike and Noah sit having coffee and have a meeting about Deirdre)
Mary Alice Voiceover: ….Or who people really are…
[EXT – Kamp Hennessey – Counselling Centre – Day]
(Andrew closes the door as Bree hesitantly waves to him)
[INT – Kamp Hennessey – Counselling Centre – Day]
Rex: Andrew just told me he thinks he might be gay
(Shots of Andrew, Bree and Rex looking uncomfortable)
End of Recap
[INT – Scavo House – Kitchen – Day]
(Lynette pulls the garbage out of the bin with a sigh, carries it through the house to the window)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Every morning as she went to take out the trash, Lynette Scavo would indulge in a little daydream. The details of which were always the same.
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Mrs McClusky’s House – Day]
(Lynette looks out the window towards the other side of the street, Mrs McClusky’s house. Mrs McClusky is in her garden watering her plants with a hose. All of a sudden Mrs McClusky falls over, stiff as a board, spraying the water as she falls. Dead.)
Mary Alice Voiceover: One day her nasty neighbour Karen McClusky would keel over and die. And her home would be bought by a lovely Swedish family, with two adorable twin daughters.
(a moving truck pulls up outside Mrs McClusky’s house. As it pulls off we see a perfect blond family: mom, dad and two little girls. All waving across the street to Lynette. The Scavo family and the Swedish family walk into the street where they all shake hands and become firm friends)
[INT – Church – Day]
(Shots of a joined wedding, with the two proud moms gushing at each other)
Mary Alice Voiceover: The families would form an everlasting friendship, culminating in their daughters marrying her sons at an elaborate wedding… the Scavos would not have to pay for.
[INT – Scavo House – Living Room – Day]
(Off Lynette smiling at the happiness in her daydream)
[EXT – Scavo House – Day]
(Lynette has the look on her face that says ‘oh, not again’)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, Lynette enjoyed her little daydream, but Mrs McClusky always had a way of pulling her back to reality.
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Scavo House – Day]
(Mrs McClusky is awkwardly carrying two dustbins across the street from the Scavo house. Lynette chases after her)
Lynette: Hey hey hey. HEY! Why are you stealing my garbage cans?
Mrs McClusky: Garbage pickup was two days ago. These cans have been on the street ever since. I just assumed you didn’t want ‘em anymore
Lynette: Oh that’s cute. That’s great. Here, Give them here
(Lynette put her rubbish in her bins, takes them off Mrs McClusky and walks back towards her house)
Mrs McClusky: Its bad enough we have to stare at the godawful colour you painted the house, we shouldn’t have to stare at your cans for days on end.
Lynette: You want to talk about good neighbour etiquette, how about you hire a gardener to take care of that jungle you call a lawn.
Mrs McClusky: I am on a fixed income
Lynette: Then why don’t you think about moving somewhere less expensive? Like a nursing home?
Mrs McClusky: Go to Hell.
(Mrs McClusky ‘pfffs’ her, and waves her arm dismissively of Lynette. Walks away)
Lynette: Run by Germans. Hmm?
(Lynette turns around to put the bins down. When she turns back, she sees Mrs McClusky, bending over, slowly falling to the ground & taken ill)
Lynette: And you know……Mrs McClusky?
(Runs across the street, worried about her neighbour)
Lynette: Mrs McClusky are you alright?
(Not knowing really what to do, she goes to open the door to let here inside)
Lynette: I’ll get the door
(But by this point, Mrs McClusky is face down on the floor and in obvious need of medical attention.)
Mary Alice Voiceover: For a brief moment Lynette was presented with an interesting choice of options.
(Lynette looks up from Mrs McClusky trying to decide what to do, and sees the perfect Swedish family waiting by the moving truck)
Mary Alice Voiceover: And even though she knew she’d hate herself in the morning, Lynette chose to do the right thing
(Lynette takes out her mobile phone and calls an ambulance)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Back of Ambulance – Day]
(Mrs McClusky is strapped on to a gurney and placed into the back of the ambulance)
Mrs McClusky: Lynette, where are they taking me?
Lynette: You’re going to the hospital, Mrs McClusky. You’re going to be fine
Mrs McClusky: well I don’t want to go alone. Come with me
Lynette (trying to get out of going with her): Well, these are trained technicians and I’ve got a roast in the…. freezer
Mrs McClusky: Please, I’m scared.
Lynette: Yeah, I’ll come with you. Here I am
(Climbs into the ambulance)
Mrs McClusky: Thank you.
(Reaches out to hold Lynette’s hand)
Mrs McClusky: If I die I don’t want it to be with strangers
Lynette: You’re not going to die
(Mrs McClusky drops Lynette’s hand)
Mrs McClusky: How can you be so sure?
Mary Alice Voiceover: Of course Lynette didn’t respond. How could she tell her neighbour that some dreams are just too beautiful to come true?
(The ambulance pulls off – as Lynette looks out the back window to the perfect Swedish family sadly waving good bye to her)
Opening Credits
[EXT – graveyard – Day]
(Noah sitting on a bench in the cemetery. Holding a photograph of Deirdre and rubbing a rosary in silent prayer)
Mary Alice Voiceover: Life is a journey. One that is much better travelled with a companion by our side. But sometimes we loose our companions along the way and then the journey becomes unbearable.
(Mike walks up to Noah)
Mike: Noah, I didn’t know you were a religious man. What’s with the rosary?
Noah: They found Deirdre.
Mike (shocked): What?
Noah: Her body had been stuffed inside a toy chest. Can you believe that? A kids toy chest? She’d been dismembered.
(Noah is fighting not to cry. Mike sits down with him)
Mike: My god
Noah: The cops ID’d her from her dental records. She’s been dead 15 years. All that time I’ve been looking for her and she was already gone
Mike: I’m so sorry
Noah: I have to bury my baby,
(Noah stands up and looks around)
Noah: I came out here to figure out what kind of tombstone to get her.
Mike: You shouldn’t be doing this now. Lets get you home
Noah: There’s a cop I want you to talk to…
Mike: A cop?
(Mike is unsure about what he’s being asked to do)
Noah: His name is Sullivan. I paid him to take the heat off you for your neighbour’s murder. He’ll get you the file on Deirdre’s case. Apparently they have some leads.
[EXT – Kamp Hennessey – Outside Counselling Centre – Day]
Rex: I don’t know. I think we may be making a huge mistake.
Bree: We made our decision, lets just stick to it
Rex: I say we leave him here three more weeks. What’s the worst that could happen?
Bree: Our son has just told us that he might be gay. There are two hundred other boys in this Kamp. Now I could explain to you what might happen if we left him here, but I’m a lady and I don’t use that kind of language.
(Both sigh, and they stand up and start to walk)
Rex: Now I bet we’re worrying ourselves sick about nothing, this is probably just a phase
Bree: Exactly. So we’ll get him home, we’ll get him into Christian counselling so it won’t become a lifestyle
Rex: Well, whatever’s going on with him, he’s still our son and we love him
Bree (outraged): Why would you say that to me?
Rex: Because its obvious how freaked out you are by the whole gay thing
Bree: I may be freaked out. But that doesn’t change how I feel about him
Rex: I’m just saying be cool
(Rex turns to look at the opening door)
Bree: I can be just as cool as you can
Rex: Alright
(Andrew walks out, looking unsure. Rex goes to shake his hand, but pulls him into a bear hug)
Rex: It’ll be nice to have you back
Bree: Andrew, I would love you even if you were a murder
(Hugs him for a long time whilst Rex and Andrew share looks of ‘is she serious’? behind her back)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Scavo House- Day]
(Susan, Gabrielle and Lynette are sitting outside gossiping, while Lynette jiggles the baby in her pram. One of the twins comes running up)
Porter: Mommy, the line’s not moving
(Susan looks behind Porter to see a queue of children at the ice cream van. She sees her mother at the van’s window flirting with the ice cream man)
Susan: Oh for Pete’s sake
(Susan gets up to go and stop her mother)
(Sophie and the ice cream man are laughing and flirting)
Susan: (tries to get her mother’s attention) Mom. Mom.
Sophie: What?
Susan: The kids are waiting
Sophie: Oh honey, hector here teaches salsa dancing at the community centre.
Hector (ice cream man): I give private lessons too
Sophie: Oh I bet you do
(Susan pulls her mother away from the van)
Susan: Mom, would you please not flirt with the ice cream man
Sophie: Why not?
Susan: Do you need a reason beyond the fact he’s the ice cream man?
Sophie: Its called moving on with your life
Susan: You just broke up with Morty two weeks ago. Don’t you think you could at least pretend to mourn the relationship
Sophie: You are such a stick in the mud. We should be out there having fun. I know what we can do tonight (gets really excited)…we can go to some hip club and get some cute guys.
Susan: Mom!
Sophie: I’ll say I’m 42 and you can be 28.
(Susan looks at her incredulously, like she can’t believe what she’s hearing)
Sophie: What? Oh, you can pull it off
[EXT – Scavo House – Doorway – Day]
(Lynette opens the front door and is surprised to see her neighbour)
Lynette: Mrs McClusky? You’re back from the hospital already?
Mrs McClusky: It turns out I OD’d a little bit on my arthritis medication. One pill I can open a jar, four pills I’m face down fighting for my life. You’ll find out about that soon enough.
Lynette: Huh, well I’m glad to hear you’re alright
Mrs McClusky: Here, its my way of saying thank you for not letting me die out there on the lawn
Lynette: Oh Mrs McClusky, you don’t have to
Mrs McClusky: Keep it, its genuine Tiffany. Been in my family for years.
Lynette: I don’t know what to say. Its stunning. Thank you.
(Mrs McClusky reaches across the threshold to give Lynette a big hug. Lynette looks like she doesn’t quite believe whats happening)
Lynette: I’d invite you in but….
Mrs McClusky: Well I wanted to tell you what my doctor said. It seems the arthritis is the least of my problems. See, I have this skin tag, or at least I thought it was a skin tag, but it turns out it might be more serious..
[INT – Solis House – Bedroom – Night]
(Carlos walks towards the bed. Gabrielle is reading a magazine and puts her foot on his chest to stop him coming any closer)
Gabrielle: What do you think you are doing?
Carlos: Please I can’t sleep in the den anymore. I need to sleep in a bed
Gabrielle: Well you might want to try a motel, because you’re not coming back in here
(Gabrielle takes her foot down and goes back to the magazine)
Carlos: How many times have I got to say I’m sorry?
Gabrielle: Obviously a few more
Carlos: I’m not proud of what I did. I admit I was way out of line
Gabrielle: If you want back in this bed you know what to do
Carlos: I’m not tearing up the post-nup
Gabrielle: Why not?
Carlos: Cos it’s the one way I can be sure you’ll be here when I get out of jail
Gabrielle: Well then have fun at the motel
(Gabrielle turns away from him to read the magazine)
Carlos: Fine. Tomorrow I’m cancelling your credit cards.
Gabrielle: What?
Carlos: And I’m taking away your ATM as well
Gabrielle: What am I supposed to do for money?
Carlos: Maybe once you see how good you’ve got it here, you’ll treat me with a little respect.
(Gabrielle gets up on her knees to be able to look Carlos in the eyes)
Gabrielle: You want my respect? Then tear up the post nup!
Carlos: Give me my pillow
Gabrielle: One more thing. If you ever hurt me again, I WILL kill you
Carlos: If you ever leave me for another man, I’ll kill you
Gabrielle (sarcastic): Boy, with all this passion, isn’t it too bad we’re not having sex?
(Carlos walks away)
[INT – John’s Apartment – Living Room – Day]
(John is kissing his way up Gabrielle’s arm. Gabrielle doesn’t quite seem into it)
Gabrielle: I feel trapped
John: You want me to open a window?
Gabrielle: No I’m talking about my life
John: Oh. So are we done making out?
(She realises what he’s proposing)
Gabrielle: No no, keep going.
(John goes back to kissing her neck and shoulder)
John: So what’s up?
Gabrielle: I’m unhappy. Carlos and my marriage. I don’t have options and its driving me crazy. Every time something went south in my life, I always had a plan B. now I feel like I have nothing
(Stops kissing her)
John: What about me? Can’t I be your plan B?
Gabrielle: Dammit John! What is our new rule?
John (like a child being told not to hit his sister- you know the voice): Stop pretending we have a future
Gabrielle: Thank you
John: Can’t you just walk out?
Gabrielle: No cos if I leave then I’ll be broke, and that would be awful. And if I stay he’ll be in control and that’s horrifying. And he cut up all my credit cards, which means I’m married to him and unable to shop, which is probably the worst of all possible worlds.
John: I’m sorry
Gabrielle: I’ll figure something out. I’m sorry. I’m not much fun today, I’m going to go.
(Gets up to leave)
John: Wait
(Pulls his credit card out of his wallet and hands it to her)
Gabrielle: What’s this?
John: You deserve nice things, and if Mr Solis won’t provide them, I will.
Gabrielle: With your student credit card?
John: I own my own business
Gabrielle: You mow lawns!
John: I make good money. I have 20 houses and I’m this close to getting the driving range at the country club.
Gabrielle: You can’t
John: Yes! I can
Gabrielle: I’ll pay it off
John: If you want, but you don’t have to. Mrs Solis, to take care of you, that’s my dream
Gabrielle: Well far be it for me (puts the card into her purse) to stand in the way of a young man’s dream.
(Gabrielle reaches out for John and they start making out again)
[INT – Scavo House- Kitchen – Day]
(Lynette is on the phone to Tom trying to arrange the errands she has to run that day)
Lynette: OK Tom, I will swing by the dry cleaners after I hit the market. Um, I don’t know, Porter has a dentist appointment at 4 o’clock, so the, um, car might have to wait until tomorrow.
(As Lynette is getting her things ready to leave, we see the Tiffany lamp perfectly situated on a table in the lounge)
Lynette: Alright, I love you too. Bye bye.
(Opens the door to find Mrs McClusky standing there, with a basket of fruit. She stops, shocked)
Mrs McClusky: Hi there. I brought you some avocados. I have a tree out back but I don’t like them and your family seems like the kind that would eat guacamole.
Lynette: Um, Mrs McClusky, thank you, that is very nice
Mrs McClusky: So lets make up a batch
(Lynette tries to put her off)
Lynette: Now’s not a good time. I’m on my way out and I have a tonne of errands.
Mrs McClusky: Oh that’s great, cos my cars on the fritz and I could hitch a ride. I need to drop by the pharmacy anyway
Lynette: No I can’t. I’m sorry, but I have a lot of things to do
Mrs McClusky: Well maybe you could take me later, or I could drop by tomorrow
Lynette: Mrs McClusky, I won’t have any time tomorrow
Mrs McClusky: Oh, well I find it interesting that you can’t spend two minutes with me, but you have no trouble taking my Tiffany lamp
Lynette: Oh for god’s sake.
(Lynette goes into the house and picks up the tiffany lamp – offers it back to Mrs McClusky)
Lynette: Here, you should take this back. I don’t have a place for it
Mrs McClusky: But that was my gesture for saving my life
Lynette: Yes, and it was a beautiful gesture. Really. But I…
Mrs McClusky: Save it Lynette. I get the picture.
(Mrs McClusky takes the lamp and storms off back across the street)
[INT – Mayer House – Stairs – Night]
(Susan comes down the stairs yawning, wearing only a t-shirt)
Susan: Argh!
(She screams when she sees her mother and a strange man sat in the kitchen. Tries to pull down the t-shirt to cover herself more)
Sophie: Oh Susie, this is Tim
Tim: Sorry if we startled you
Susan: Oh uh, that’s okay. I just didn’t expect to see anyone up at a quarter of one.
Sophie: Susie, you should have come out tonight. I met Tim here at the Islands Bar, and he introduced me to this crazy drink – the dirty volcano. Haha.
Tim: Woo
Sophie: And we danced and then he dipped me
Tim: Sophie is very limber
Susan: Um, mom. Could I just talk to you in the family room for a minute?
Tim: Susan is your daughter??!!
Sophie: Yup
Tim: No she can’t be. No
Sophie: Yeah
Tim: No
Sophie: Yeah
Tim: No
Susan: Alright, we get it. She looks young
(Susan grabs her mother and drags her to the other room)
[INT – Mayer House – Family Room – Night]
Sophie: Oh, the man has magic fingers
Susan: What are you doing? I have a teenage daughter in the house! You cannot just bring strange men you meet in bars back here in the middle of the night!
Sophie: I’m just having a few laughs. What’s the big deal?
Susan: Look I know you’re trying to get over Morty, but this is not the way to do it. So can you please just go out there and tell him to go home?
Sophie: You know how blue I’ve been. Why can’t you be supportive?
Susan: I’ve been plenty supportive
Sophie: No you haven’t, you really haven’t. Now Tim is my guest and he will go home when I say so
Susan (defiantly): If he’s not gone in five minutes, then I’m going t ogo out there and tell him how old you really are.
(Sophie makes a show of yawning and stretching her arms)
Sophie: Tim, its time for me to say goodnight
[INT – Underground Garage – Empty – Night]
Sullivan (Dirty Cop): Delfino?
Mike: Yeah. You must be Sullivan.
Sullivan: The file on Mellor’s daughter.
Mike: Yeah, he said you have some leads
Sullivan: Yeah sure, we’ve got some leads
Mike: Is there a problem
Sullivan: Gee I don’t know. I’m handing a confidential police report over to a killer and drug dealer. Why should that be a problem?
Mike: Thanks
(Mike turns and walks away)
Sullivan: Is this what our justice system’s come to? Guys like you walking the streets without a care in the world?
Mike: I did my time
Sullivan: Not nearly enough, you piece of garbage
(Mike walks back to him)
Mike: You know, I’m glad we got to meet, because apparently I’m no longer a murder suspect thanks to you.
(Sullivan is wearing a superior smile on his face)
Mike: So I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but how much does it take to buy off a homicide detective these days? Thanks again
(Mike walks away)
Sullivan: Hey, Delfino. One more thing
(Gets out his gun and hits Mike as he turns to answer him on the head with the butt of the gun. Mike falls to the floor, hurt, where he’s kicked several times by Sullivan. Mike starts to get back up, only to be hit by Sullivan’s gun again)
Sullivan (standing over him): Now this file was misplaced you understand. If even a word of this gets back to me, there’ll be one less cop killer on the streets. You understand me?
(Sullivan stands up and throws the heavy file down next to Mike)
Sullivan: And for god’s sake don’t get any blood on the file.
[INT – Posh Restaurant – Day]
(Gabrielle is out having a posh lunch, looking at the new shoes she just bought. She looks extremely happy with where she is. An older man is watching her and makes a toast from across the room. Gabrielle smiles back)
Waiter: Ma’am. I’m sorry, but your credit card has been declined
Gabrielle: What? Oh, no. That’s impossible. It’s a new card, I just went shopping with it. Try it again
Waiter: Ma’am I tried it three times and then I called the bank. Now may I try another card?
Gabrielle: Of course you may. If you will just give me a moment
(The waiter walks away and Gabrielle pulls out her cell phone)
[Intermittent shots of Gabrielle in the restaurant and John at his apartment]
John: Hello?
Gabrielle: It’s me
John: I’ve been trying to call you, but you turned your cell off
Gabrielle: Because I’m in a lovely restaurant having a lovely meal that I now can’t pay for!
John: Well, did you order already?
Gabrielle: I ate already!
John: Look, the credit card company called my mom. They said that there was unusual activity on my card
Gabrielle: I bought shoes!
John: Well I didn’t know that. You know, and then my mom started asking all these questions and I blurted out that the card was stolen and she cancelled it.
Gabrielle: Why would they call your parents? Its your account
John: They co-signed for it. Look if you just explain to the waiter…
Gabrielle (can’t quite believe the situation she finds herself in): What? That the card was cancelled by my lover’s mommy?
John: Well what other option do you have? Unless you return the shoes and get the money back?
Gabrielle: Return the shoes? I can’t talk to you when you’re being hysterical.
(Gabrielle hangs up on him. The waiter returns)
Waiter: So ma’am, what would you like to do about the bill?
Gabrielle: Uh?
(Gabrielle looks worried, but she suddenly gets an idea. She smiles as she looks over to the old man who was just smiling at her)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Scavo House – Day]
(delivery guy walks across the street to Lynette, who is outside carrying washing)
UPS Delivery Guy: Afternoon. I’ve got a package for your neighbour Karen McClusky. Could you sign for it?
Lynette: Well isn’t she home? She usually doesn’t go anywhere
Delivery Guy: No one answered
Lynette: Alright. Okay. Thank you (takes the package)
(Lynette walks carefully up Mrs McClusky’s front steps, puts the package on her doorstep, rings the bell and runs away with the attitude of a child who’s playing ‘knock knock danger’)
[INT – Posh Restaurant – Day]
(Gabrielle and the older man are now sitting together at her table, and they are sharing a bottle of wine)
Gabrielle (flirting): So let me get this straight. You play tennis. You know wine. And you speak mandarin. Does every other man in the world want you dead?
Rich Man: (laughs) I’m not that impressive. I pulled a grey hair out of my chest this morning
Gabrielle: Ha ha. I don’t know. I’d watch your back
Rich Man: (looks Gabrielle up and down) You know, I’ve really enjoyed talking to you. You uh, well you’ve made my day. I was thinking if you’d like to get together again
Gabrielle: Well Sam, to tell the truth, I’m kind of in a relationship at the moment. I just wanted to be honest
(Gabrielle reaches for his hand)
Rich Man: That’s perfectly okay, Tina. (places his other hand on top of hers) By the way, this is on me
Gabrielle: Oh no, you shouldn’t (fake protestations)
Rich Man: Please. It’s my pleasure
(He hands the bill and his card to the waiter, who looks at it unbelievingly. He makes accusing eyes at Gabrielle, who looks back at him with a mix of ‘what?’ and ‘say something I dare you’. The waiter walks away without saying anything)
[INT – Van Der Kamp House – Dining Room – Night]
(Bree and Rex are setting the table for dinner)
Rex: This is going to be a disaster
Bree: It’ll be fine.
Bree (calls to Andrew): Andrew, honey, hurry up. Dinners nearly ready
Rex: It’s like we’re setting a trap for him
(Rex places a bottle of wine on the table)
Bree: It’s for his own good. You’ll see
Andrew: Smells good. What are we having?
Bree: I’m making homemade bratwurst with sweet and sour cabbage. (goes over to Andrew and straightens his hair) It’s a recipe I found in an old German cook book
(Doorbell rings)
Bree: I’ll get the door. Honey, you pour the wine
(Rex pours himself a large glass of wine)
Andrew: Isn’t Danielle spending the night at Wendy’s
Rex: Oh yes she is (drinks the entire glass of wine)
Andrew: Well then why did mom set the table for four places?
Rex: Huh?
Andrew: I asked who’s coming for dinner
(Bree walks in, arm in arm with the Reverend)
Bree: Andrew, you remember Reverend Sykes don’t you?
Andrew (under his breath to his dad): Oh come on
Bree: Reverend, why don’t you have a seat and I will get some refreshments
Reverend: So Andrew, its been a long time
Andrew (he’s very uncomfortable): Yes, yes it has
Bree: Would you like some water? I have flat or bubbly
Reverend: Bubbly please
Reverend (to Andrew): So your mother tells me you’ve started having some sexual desires for other boys?
(Andrew looks up at his mother, like he can’t believe what she’s doing to him)
Andrew (to his dad re: the wine): I don’t suppose I can have some of that?
Rex: Nope, I’m gonna need every drop
(Rex pours himself another large glass)
Reverend: And over the years we’ve had so many young people come to our ministry hating themselves for their unnatural desires and within a few months they’ve discovered an inner peace and tranquillity that is nothing short of miraculous.
(Bree is thrilled by this, and squeezes Andrew’s arm encouragingly)
Reverend: All it takes is a little faith and a desire to change.
Andrew: I’m sorry but I really don’t want to talk about my sex life
Bree: Well that’s just too bad because this needs to be discussed
Reverend: Bree, let the boy speak. Go on
Andrew: Well I appreciate your offer to help. I do. But I don’t hate myself. So I’m good
Reverend: Son, I know what its like to be a teenager. It’s a very confusing time
Andrew: I’m not confused. I know exactly who I am.
Reverend: Well, if you ever do want to talk, my door is always open.
(Reverend goes back to his meal, Bree is very upset that he has dropped the subject)
Bree: Reverend, I don’t mean to criticise. But it sounds like you’re giving up
Reverend: We can’t force him on a path of righteousness, he himself must want to make the journey
Bree: Then what are we supposed to do? Just stand by while he starts dating boys? And by the way, the correct word is not gay, its sodomy.
Rex (nearly chokes on his wine – which he’s still knocking back): We’re in the middle of dinner!
Bree: So?
Rex: So can you at least wait until dessert before you call our son a sodomite?
(Andrew is watching the shouting like a tennis match back and fore between his parents. He seems impressed by his dad’s defence of his choice, and is simply enjoying the argument)
Bree: How you can sit there and be so casual is beyond me?
Rex: For example, I knew this diner was a bad idea the moment you suggested it
Bree: Well at least I’m trying to be proactive
Reverend: Please there’s no need to get upset (he clearly doesn’t want to be in the middle of a family argument)
Bree: I’m upset because there is a problem here and no one seems to notice it but me
Rex: As far as I’m concerned, if Andrew is happy with who he is, it is our job to support him
(Bree is disgusted at the fact that Rex is going against her decision for an intervention. She stares at him for a few moments, wondering what she should do, then she turns to Andrew…)
Bree: Your father is into S&M.
Rex: Bree! (drops his fork, he can’t believe she just said that in front of the reverend)
Bree: He makes me beat him with a riding crop and I let him. Its no wonder you’re perverted. Look at who your parents are.
(Bree puts down her serviette and storms off)
Rex: Excuse me (follows Bree out of the room)
Andrew: What a fun night. You know, we should really do this again some time.
[EXT – Wisteria Lane - Outside Mayer House - Night]
(Susan pulls into her driveway and her mother is there to meet her)
Sophie: Hey, hey good news. I know why you’ve been so furious with me
Susan: I have not been furious with you
Sophie: Oh yes you have. And I don’t blame you. Men have been coming on to me left and right and I’ve been having so much fun and enjoying life. And what did I do, I threw it right in your face!
(Susan goes to collect her purse from the boot of the car)
Susan: Mom, I don’t hate you
Sophie: Be that as it may, from now on I’m including you in all the fun. You’re mother has come through
(Susan pulls down the boot of the car)
Susan (resigned to her fate): What have you done?
Sophie: You and I are going on a double date tonight!
Susan: What?
Sophie: Tim has a friend from the box factory and I thought the four of us could hang out, have some drinks and hor d’ourves
Susan: Forget it
Sophie: Susie
Susan: Mom, I’m sorry. I’m just not in the mood to hang out these days.
Sophie: Susie, sweetie, please. I can’t cancel now
Susan: Of course you can, just call them up and tell them not to come over
(Susan puts her bag down and sees people in the other room. It takes a second to register and when she looks back she realises its….)
Susan: Tim!
Tim: Oh hey Suse, this is my buddy Lamont
Lamont (very proud of herself): I brought peppermint schnapps
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Scavo House]
(Lynette is outside, getting something from her car, when she glances over the road and sees the package she dropped off earlier in the day still sitting in the same place – we can tell that she’s worried about her neighbour)
[INT – Scavo House – Kitchen – Night]
(Lynette and Tom are making dinner for the hungry hoards (burritos). Lynette is grating cheese, Tom is drinking a beer. they are working as a well oiled machine, with Tom distributing the cheese and Lynette coming behind him to dole out the meat)
Tom: I’m sure she’s fine
Lynette: She never leaves her mail sitting out there. I mean how many times has she thrown ours away because we didn’t pick it up the minute it came?
Tom: That would be five
Lynette: I don’t know Tom, I think something’s happened to her
Tom: So go over and check on her
Lynette: but if I’m wrong then I’m sucked into a two-hour conversation about bunions pilkingtons
Tom: So don’t check on her
Lynette: Six months from now when they find her mummified corpse at the bottom of the stairs what do I tell the kids? Oh yeah, I let Mrs McClusky die.
Tom: Yeah, why would they care? Like they’d miss the dry cleaning coupons she hands out at Halloween! What can I say, you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. So, uh, good luck with that!
(he shrugs and walks off)
Lynette (calls after him): Honey, I’m hating you a little right now
[INT – Solis House – Bathroom – Night]
(Carlos is soaking in the bathtub and watching a football game on tv – Gabrielle enters, very pleased with herself)
Gabrielle: Hi honey, look at my new shoes
Carlos: Yeah
Gabrielle: Aren’t they gorgeous?
Carlos: Honey, I’m trying to watch the game (he’s distracted by the match and doesn’t really hear what Gabrielle is saying)
Gabrielle: Sorry
(Carlos suddenly realises what his wife did that day)
Carlos: How did you buy new shoes?
Gabrielle: Sh! We’ll talk later, you’re watching the game
Carlos: No I want to talk about it now.
(Gabrielle now has his complete attention)
Carlos: You don’t have any money, so whats the story?
Gabrielle: Oh, you’ve heard it all before. Girl meets boy. Boy buys girl nice things. Girl leaves happy.
Carlos: What did you do?
Gabrielle: You know I forgot how generous men could be. I also forgot I have options. A whole bunch of them.
Carlos: What the hell are you talking about?
Gabrielle: I don’t need your credit cards, Carlos. And I don’t need your money. But if our marriage is going to work, I need your respect.
Carlos: I’m not ripping up the post-nup
Gabrielle: Yes, you are. Because if you don’t I’m going to put on my new shoes and walk out that door
Carlos: Are you threatening me?
Gabrielle: No, I’m just pointing something out. I’m a pretty girl. And pretty girls are never lonely.
(She flicks the bubbles at Carlos as she struts out of the room. Carlos is left in the bath worried about what he’s going to do)
[INT – Mayer House – Living Room – Night]
(Squeals and laughter from Sophie and Tim – he’s basically groping and tickling her)
Sophie: Stop! I’m really ticklish
(unlike Tim and Sophie, Lamont and Susan are sitting quietly on separate chairs)
Lamont: So children’s books right?
Susan: Yeah
Lamont: Well I hope you know how lucky you are. Not everyone gets to realise their bliss
Susan: Yeah, it can be rewarding
Lamont: Why don’t you join me?
Susan: No
Sophie: I’m really ticklish. C’mon
Tim: What’s wrong?
Susan (finally snapping): For god’s sake Tim, she’s ticklish! How many times do you have to be told?
Sophie: Oh, (sighs at her daughter). This is so much fun. Lets find another CD
Susan: Mother, don’t you think its getting a little late?
Sophie: C’mon. You haven’t even finished your schnapps
Susan: Agh! (downs the shot) The perfect cap for the perfect evening so good night, its been lovely. And Lamont, good luck with all your inventions.
Sophie: Oh its only 11.30! I want to hit the clubs
Tim: I know a good place just off the interstate. C’mon
Lamont: Warm up the old war wagon
Susan: Mom! Hold it! you are not getting in a car with those two, you hardly know them
Sophie: I have great instincts about people, I always have, suse, you know that
Susan: You’ve been married four times
Sophie: Yes, but twice to the same guy
Susan: Mother!
Sophie: Susie, please! You’re embarrassing me
Susan: Oh, I’m embarrassing you
Sophie: Yes, and I’ve had it. All night long I’ve been trying to get you to stop being so crabby, and you’ve refused to let me help
Susan: And you’re idea of helping is to let Tim just grope you?!
Tim: Hey, you shouldn’t talk to your mother like that, she’s a fine lady
Susan: Tim, can you just stay out of this?
Lamont: Yeah, mind you own business
Tim: Hey, what’s your problem pal?
Lamont: You were feeling up her mother! I’d be pissed off too. C’mon Susie, lets go back inside
Susan: “Lets go back inside”?! Lamont, give it up, you’re not getting any!
Sophie: Why are you being this way? I was just trying to lighten things up
Susan: Will you stop acting like tonight was all about helping me? You wanted to go out and have fun and Lamont needed a date.
Sophie: That’s not true
Susan: Yes! It is!
(Susan sits down on the front step)
Sophie: Alright its true. (sits beside her) I wanted to get out and have fun. Why shouldn’t I? You know how depressed I’ve been over my break up with Morty.
Susan: Yeah, I do and that’s what makes me so crazy. The difference between you and I, that you could be heartbroken and you can just move on and I am just broken
Sophie: I know you’re sad
Susan: No mom, I’m not sad. And I’m not crabby. I’m devastated. And you keep acting like all I need is a couple of asprin. Morty was just one guy in a series of guys for you. And Mike? He was the one. Why don’t you get that?
(Susan is hurt that her mother doesn’t understand her, and goes inside, leaves her sitting outside)
[INT – McClusky House – Doorway/ Living Room – Day]
(Lynette lets herself into Mrs McClusky’s House carrying the package from yesterday)
Lynette: Hello? Its Lynette? Hello? Mrs McClusky? Mrs McClusky, are you alright?
Mrs McClusky: How did you get in here?
(Lynette finds Mrs McClusky sat in her chair all alone)
Lynette: Uh, Mr Mullins had a spare. Why didn’t you open the door?
Mrs McClusky: Because I was hoping you’d go away
Lynette: Have you been taking your arthritis medication?
Mrs McClusky (too proud to tell her she couldn’t take her pills because she couldn’t open the bottles): I don’t need to. Sometimes the pain goes away by itself.
Lynette (disbelieving): Uh-huh. Is that why you didn’t open the door? Because of your hands? Mrs McClusky, do you have anyone who could help you out? A relative? A friend?
Mrs McClusky: I’m fine
Lynette: Okay. Okay
Mrs McClusky (worried that Lynette will leave her alone and not help her get her pills): Before you go, open these would you and put out the pills?
Lynette: Yeah
Mrs McClusky: And don’t put your hands all over them, who knows what your kids have picked up. The last thing I need is a case of pink eye
Lynette: You’re a piece of work, you know that? (attempts to open Mrs McClusky’s pill bottles, but has difficulty) Well this is crazy, why’d they give you childproof caps?
Mrs McClusky: Yeah
Lynette: First thing tomorrow I’ll take you to the pharmacy and you can get you new bottles
Mrs McClusky: Don’t do me any favours. You don’t even like me. I don’t want you doing anything because you feel obligated.
Lynette: Let me tell you something: half of life is obligations. You don’t want to go to your husband’s company Christmas party, but you do. You don’t want to sell candy so your kids’ band can play piccolos, but you do. You attend your third cousin’s wedding. You pick up the dry cleaning. That’s life. Its obligation. And you are now my obligation. So tomorrow morning I’ll pick you up and take you to the pharmacy.
Mrs McClusky (sarcastic): Gee I’m touched by your outpouring of compassion
Lynette: We don’t have to be friends. But we’re two human beings living on the same piece of earth. We could at least help each other out once in awhile.
(Lynette goes to leave, but stops when she sees the Tiffany lamp on the piano)
Lynette: And you know what. I am going to take this (picks up the lamp)
Mrs McClusky: Fine
Lynette: I’ll see you tomorrow morning
Mrs McClusky: Pick me up at nine. And don’t be late
[INT – Van Der Kamp House – Living Room – Night]
(Bree is curled up on the sofa looking through a photo album. Andrew comes out of the kitchen carrying a sandwich)
Bree: Andrew, come here I want you to see this
(Andrew starts to walk past her, but stops and sits down beside her)
Andrew: What are you looking at?
Bree: Your baby pictures. Look at that one
Andrew: How old was I then?
Bree: About four weeks old. I never told you this, but when I gave birth to you, there were complications. The umbilical chord wrapped around your neck and you stopped breathing. The room got very quiet, and I knew you were in trouble. So I turned to the doctor and I very calmly said that he was not to worry about me, that his job was to save your life. When I say I would die for you, that’s not just an expression. I mean it
Andrew: Yeah well, I’m gonna go eat my sandwich
Bree: Andrew, please just go and talk to Reverend Sykes.
Andrew: Oh for god’s sakes
Bree: Please, he can council you. It can help
Andrew: Mom, I don’t need any help. I’m fine. Why do you keep going on about this?
(Andrew gets up and walks away from his mother, who gets up and pleads with him to change his mind)
Bree: Because if you don’t change who you are then you won’t go to heaven.
Andrew: You um, you don’t think I’ll go to heaven?
Bree: No I don’t. And I need you there. I would be so lonely without you.
Andrew: I guess I’d better go talk to Reverend Sykes
Bree: Oh Andrew. Thank you. You don’t know how much that means to me
(envelops him in a )
[INT – Delfino House – Doorway – Day]
(Sophie is at Mike’s house to try to help her daughter by telling Mike how she feels. Sophie is shocked to see Mike’s black eye when he opens the door to her)
Sophie: Oh my gosh. Are you okay?
Mike: Yeah, I just uh, fell down the stairs. What’s up?
Sophie: Susan still loves you
Mike: Uh. Wow. Um. Okay. (he totally doesn’t know how to process that information) Look, this is not a good time for this conversation
Sophie: She misses you so much
Mike: Sophie, I jus found out that someone I was very close to is dead. I really need to figure out what I’m going to do. So I don’t have time to think about Susan right now.
Sophie: She’s very unhappy. If you could just…
Mike: I really don’t. I’m sorry
(Mike closes the door in her face. Mike goes back to the file that the policeman gave him last night. He picks up the photograph of the toy chest that Deirdre’s body was found in. He runs through the list of names of people who bought the chest. He stops when he comes to the name Paul Young. Recognising the name he begins to suspect his neighbour of murder)
[INT – Church – Day]
(It is Andrew’s first counselling session with Reverend Sykes. The reverend swears on the bible)
Reverend Sykes: I swear before almighty god that I will not reveal what is said here today. Now, what’s on your mind
(the two sit down in a pew, facing each other)
Andrew: Well here’s the thing. I lied to my parents. I’m not gay
Reverend (shocked): You’re not?
Andrew: Not really. Look all I knew was that I wanted to get the hell out of that camp. So I told that I was really worried that I was having feelings for other guys. They did exactly what I wanted them to. They are such tools.
Reverend: I’m sorry, just so I’m clear. Are you a heterosexual or aren’t you?
Andrew: Look, I love vanilla ice-cream, but every now and then I’m probably gonna be in the mood for chocolate. You know what I mean?
Reverend: I do, but God would prefer you stick to the vanilla.
Andrew: I don’t believe in god
Reverend: You don’t?
Andrew: Nope. Sorry
Reverend: (Sighs) You’re mother’s going to be so devastated. She’s been praying so hard that you will be able to change.
Andrew: But that’s the good news. I am going to change. Big time
Reverend: I’m afraid I don’t follow
Andrew: You know what my mom said to me last night? She said that she doesn’t think I’m going to heaven. Can you believe that?
Reverend: I’m sure she didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but the only way that you can know paradise is if you repent your sins.
Andrew: When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I’m going to get back at her. From now on I’m going to be so good. I’m going to eat my vegetables.
(The Reverend smiles, glad to hear what Andrew’s saying)
Andrew: I’m going to get good grades.
(The Reverend nods)
Andrew: I’m going to say yes ma’am, no ma’am. I’m going to make her believe that god has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day I’m going to do something so awful it is going to rock her world. I mean it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me, I’ll know paradise
(The reverend looks utterly dumfounded at the monster that is sitting beside him and his plans to destroy his own mother. Andrew is delighted to have confided his plan to someone, and he gets up, tosses the bible that the reverend swore his oath on earlier to him and walks away, leaving the reverend shocked)
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Mrs McClusky’s house – Day]
Mary Alice Voiceover: Yes, life is a journey. One that is much better travelled with a companion by our side. But that companion can be just about anyone…
(Lynette knocks on Mrs McClusky’s door, and checks her watch, worried that they’ll be late)
Lynette: Mrs McClusky, we’re going to be late for the doctor
(Mrs McClusky opens the door, acting as if she’s right on time)
Mrs McClusky: I’m coming jeez hold your horses.
Mary Alice Voiceover: ….A neighbour on the other side of the street….
[INT – Solis House – Bedroom – Night]
(Carlos enters, ripping up the post nup and throws it on the bed)
Carlos: There you go. No more post-nup
(Gabrielle says nothing, simply pulls back the bed sheets, allowing her husband into bed)
Mary Alice Voiceover:….Or the man on the other side of the bed….
[EXT – Church – Day]
Mary Alice Voiceover: ….The companion can be a mother with good intentions….
(Bree shakes hands in the receiving line with the reverend)
Bree: thank you for a wonderful service reverend
Mary Alice Voiceover: ….Or a child who is up to no good….
(Andrew follows his mother out of the church and says quietly & conspiratorially to the reverend…)
Andrew: Very inspirational
[EXT – Wisteria Lane – Outside Mayer and Delfino Houses – Day]
Mary Alice Voiceover: ….Still despite our best intentions, some of us will lose our companions along the way and our journey will become unbearable.
(Susan exits her house, going to collect her post. Across the street, she sees Mike is doing the same. They look at each other for a second before going back to what they were doing)
[EXT – Cemetery – Day]
(Noah is slowly walking through the graveyard. He sits on a bench and stares wistfully at his photograph of a smiling and happy Deirdre)
Mary Alice Voiceover:….You see, human beings are designed for many things. But loneliness is not one of them.
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