Original Airdate on ABC: October 17, 2004
Written by Oliver Goldstick
Directed by Arlene Sanford
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CAST:
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Teri Hatcher as SUSAN MEYER
Felicity Huffman as LYNETTE SCAVO
Marcia Cross as BREE VAN DE KAMP
Eva Longoria as GABRIELLE SOLIS
Brenda Strong as MARY ALICE YOUNG / NARRATOR
James Denton as MIKE DELFINO
Steven Culp as REX VAN DE KAMP
Nicolette Sheridan as EDIE BRITT
Mark Moses as PAUL YOUNG
Ricardo Antonio Chavira as CARLOS SOLIS
Cody Kasch as ZACK YOUNG
Andrea Bowen as JULIE MEYER
Jesse Metcalfe as JOHN ROWLAND
Christine Estabrook as MRS. HUBER
Joy Lauren as DANIELLE VAN DE KAMP
Doug Sevant as TOM SCAVO
Zane Huett as PARKER SCAVO
Brent Kinsman as PRESTON SCAVO / PORTER SCAVO
Shane Kinsman as PRESTON SCAVO / PORTER SCAVO
Sam Lloyd as DR. ALBERT GOLDFINE
Guest-Starring:
Richard Burgi as KARL MEYER
Anne Dudek as BRANDI
Emily Christine as ASHLEY BUKOWSKI
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ANNOUNCER: Previously on Desperate Housewives, Susan took dating tips from her 12 year old daughter.
JULIE: If you wanna date him, you’re gonna have to ask him out.
SUSAN: I keep hoping he’ll ask me out.
JULIE: How’s that going?
(Cut to: )
ANNOUNCER: Bree accidentally poisoned her husband.
REX: I can’t believe you tried to kill me.
BREE: Yes, well, I feel badly about that.
(Cut to: )
ANNOUNCER: Lynette indulged in creative parenting…
LYNETTE: If any of you acts up, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas.
(Cut to: )
GABRIELLE: I really hate the way you talk to me.
CARLOS: And I really hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace.
ANNOUNCER: … while Gabrielle indulged in the company of her gardener.
(Cut to: GABRIELLE, pushing a half-naked JOHN out the window, as CARLOS walks in the
house.)
GABRIELLE: Hi honey, you’re home early.
(Cut to: )
ANNOUNCER: And everybody’s wondering…
(Cut to: SUSAN, holding the mysterious note
“I KNOW WHAT YOU DID
IT MAKES ME SICK
I’M GOING TO TELL”)
SUSAN: Oh Mary Alice, what did you do?
ANNOUNCER: … why their best friend just killed herself.
BREE: How much do we really wanna know about our neighbours?
(Cut to: MIKE, putting down a gun on his side table.
Cut to: the mysterious chest PAUL dumped in the river floating up to the surface.)
ANNOUNCER: Everyone has a little dirty laundry.
(Fade out)
OPEN ON: [INT. CREMATORIUM -- NIGHT]
(We open on MARY ALICE, lying in a coffin. A coffin cover, with a label “MARY ALICE YOUNG” is slid over the top. A hand turns a nob, and we see cogs turning as a furnace is opened, and the coffin slides into the furnace.)
NARRATOR: After I died, I began to surrender the parts of myself that were no longer necessary. My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts – every trace of my humanity was discarded. I discovered when moving through eternity, it helps to travel lightly. In fact, I held on to only one thing – my memory.
[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- NIGHT]
(We pan down on the peaceful Wisteria Lane at night, where everyone is fast asleep in their houses.)
[PAN TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE -- NIGHT]
(We pan to BREE lying in bed awake, drumming her fingers.)
NARRATOR: It’s astonishing to look back on the world I left behind. I remember it all, every single detail. Like my friend, Bree Van De Kamp.
(Flashback to: MARY ALICE at BREE’s house, talking animatedly as BREE walks in with an easy smile, holding a dish in her hands.)
NARRATOR: I remember the easy confidence of her smile…
(Cut to: BREE standing at the head of the table, where REX, PAUL and MARY ALICE are sitting. They watch as she drizzles some alcohol over a dish, and lights it on fire.)
NARRATOR: …the gentle elegance of her hands…
MARY ALICE: Wow.
(Cut to: MARY ALICE and PAUL leaving, as they say their goodbyes at the front door.)
NARRATOR: …the refined warmth of her voice.
BREE: Bye.
NARRATOR: But what I remember most about Bree…
BREE: Rex, wasn’t that a lovely…(her smile fades as she sees REX walking off, completely ignoring what she’s saying.)
NARRATOR: …was the look of fear in her eyes.
(End of flashback.
Resume present)
NARRATOR: Bree had started to realize her world was unravelling, and for a woman who despised loose ends, that was unacceptable.
(BREE looks at the clock, which reads 5:35am. She gets out of bed, and goes downstairs. We see her wearing a robe, bending over REX, sleeping downstairs on the couch. She shakes him awake.)
BREE: Rex, Rex! You need to get up!
REX: It’s not even light out.
BREE: Please hurry, if the kids see you sleeping down here, they’re gonna start asking questions. (takes REX’s blanket off him.)
REX: Let ‘em ask, I don’t care anymore.
BREE: Well, I care. (pulls his pillow out from underneath his head.) They don’t need to be burdened with our marital problems, and if we’re working things out, the least we could do is try to keep up appearances.
REX: (rolls his eyes) Oh yeah, appearances. I keep forgetting about appearances.
BREE: Oh Rex, you look so tired.
REX: Ah, I didn’t sleep. This damn thing is so uncomfortable.
BREE: Well, why don’t you move back upstairs and sleep in our bed?
REX: We’re in marriage counselling, Bree, I think that would confuse things.
BREE: It’s just… I miss you.
REX: I know you do. Of course, if I don’t get some sleep pretty soon, I’ll be forced to move back upstairs out of sheer exhaustion. (goes upstairs)
(BREE waits till he moves out of sight, then goes to a cupboard and takes out a pair of pliers. She flips one corner of the mattress up, and cuts one of the wires in half. She bends both sides up so they are vertical. She tests how sharp it is with one finger, then pulls the mattress back on top of the sofa-bed, dusting her hands off and sighing with satisfaction. Teehee. Evil Bree rocks.)
NARRATOR: Yes, Bree was afraid of many things. But if there was one thing she wasn’t afraid of, it was a challenge.
Opening Credits
OPEN ON: [EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- MORNING]
(We pan on our Wisteria Lane, at the crack of dawn. The street lights are still on, and there’s a paper boy on a bike, throwing papers onto the lawns.)
NARRATOR: The day on Wisteria Lane began like any other, with a cup of coffee and the morning paper.
[CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN]
(We see LYNETTE sitting at the kitchen table, the twins sword-fighting next to her as she reads the business section of the paper.)
LYNETTE: Just give me a second… 5 minutes.
NARRATOR: And while Lynette read the business section…
[PAN TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - DINING ROOM]
(GABRIELLE sits at her dining table, holding a cup up in her right hand, as her maid pours coffee into the cup. She is engrossed in reading the paper, held by her left hand, the ‘Style’ section.)
NARRATOR: …and Gabrielle studied the fall collections…
[PAN TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - DINING ROOM]
(BREE sits at the dining table, reading the section of the paper. She fiddles with the flower arrangement in the middle of the table in front of her.)
NARRATOR: …and Bree searched for decorating ideas…
[PAN TO: INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN]
NARRATOR: …Susan scanned the front page and saw something that caught her eye.
(SUSAN and JULIE are sitting at the kitchen table. SUSAN reads the front page of the paper, taking a bite of a muffin. JULIE wipes something off SUSAN’s face, then goes back to eating her cereal, reading a book open in front of her. SUSAN suddenly stops, as the camera pans to look at the paper. It reads:
“The Fairview Herald
October 15, 2004”
She looks up, then gets up and goes to a calendar hanging on the wall. She flips open to October, where we see a post-it note, reading “Mary Alice dinner!” stuck on the 15th and 16th dates. She rips it off.)
[CUT TO: EXT. SCAVO HOUSE -- MORNING]
(SUSAN steps over toys lying scattered everywhere on the ground and front porch. She goes to the front door of the house, and knocks on the window pane on the door. The door opens to…)
(Flashback to: MARY ALICE opening the door.)
MARY ALICE: Well it’s about time.
SUSAN: Be nice, I come bearing snacks. (holds up a bag of chips and a bag of pretzels, walking in the door as MARY ALICE follows her into the kitchen table, where LYNETTE, BREE and GABRIELLE are gathered.)
BREE: Lynette, these cards are sticky.
LYNETTE: I know. Preston used the three of diamonds to scoop jam out of the jar.
GABRIELLE: Gorgeous, thankful we have 49 cards to play with.
SUSAN: Hello, sorry I’m late.
LYNETTE: Hey.
MARY ALICE: So, Susan, I was just telling the girls I wanna throw a dinner party.
SUSAN: Really?
MARY ALICE: Yes, I mean, how long have we all lived on this street? We’ve never done a big group thing.
BREE: I think it’s a great idea.
MARY ALICE: Paul never likes to have people over. Well, to heck with him, I’m doing it.
SUSAN: So when is this shindig?
MARY ALICE: How about… a month from tonight? That would be the 16th, good for everyone?
LYNETTE: Yeah.
SUSAN: Yeah.
BREE: Works for me. Should we all make something?
MARY ALICE: Oh no, no. This is my party. I’ve been wanting to have everyone over for years. Oh I’m so happy we’re finally doing this. It’s gonna be so much fun.
(End of Flashback. Resume to present.)
(LYNETTE opens the door.)
LYNETTE: Hey! (SUSAN holds up the post-it note) I know, our dinner.
[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- MORNING]
(BREE, LYNETTE, GABRIELLE and SUSAN are standing outside on the street, next to a large tree. GABRIELLE passes the note along back to SUSAN, who holds it up.)
SUSAN: How could we have all forgotten about this?
LYNETTE: We didn’t exactly forget, it’s just usually when the hostess dies, the party’s off.
BREE: Lynette! (puts her hand over her heart)
LYNETTE: I’m not being flip, I’m just pointing out a reality.
GABRIELLE: Mary Alice was so excited about it. So sad.
SUSAN: I think we should go through with it.
BREE: Really? Wouldn’t that be in poor taste?
SUSAN: No, it’s sort of a way to honour Mary Alice. It was so important to her.
GABRIELLE: We could all use a fun night.
BREE: Well, good, because I have some new flatbread that I’ve just been dying to show off.
SUSAN: Lynette?
LYNETTE: I’m in.
BREE: I’ll make braised lamb shanks.
LYNETTE: I’m still in.
BREE: So how many will I be cooking for?
GABRIELLE: 7. Three couples and Susan. Does that sound right?
SUSAN: No, it sounds very, very wrong.
GABRIELLE: Awww. (puts a hand on SUSAN’s shoulder)
BREE: Is there somebody you’d like to invite?
(MIKE runs past, stops a distance away from SUSAN as he sees her, all sweaty and panting. SUSAN smiles at him, waving as he smiles back, waving, then keeps running.)
SUSAN: I have an idea. (they all smile)
[CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE -- MORNING]
CARLOS: A dinner party. Honey, I may be working late. The Dillman proposal’s a complete mess.
GABRIELLE: No, you promise to be home every night this week.
CARLOS: I’m trying, but I can’t guarantee anything. This is business!
GABRIELLE: Says the prince as he rides off into the sunset. Boy did the movies ever get that wrong.
CARLOS: You know what your problem is? You’re very tense. Should go to a spa, go shopping. Find a way to relax.
(GABRIELLE smiles slyly as he walks out the door. She picks up the phone and dials a number. Our view of GABRIELLE moves to the right, as the left side of the screen opens up to JOHN in class, picking up his phone.)
JOHN: Hello?
GABRIELLE: Where are you?
JOHN: Algebra.
GABRIELLE: You free at 4?
JOHN: I’m not sure, I got track after school.
GABRIELLE: Well, get here as fast as you can. My husband says I need to relax.
JOHN: You, uh, want me to keep my gym clothes on, like last time?
GABRIELLE: If you would. Please. (They both smile)
[CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN]
(TOM sits at the kitchen table as LYNETTE does the laundry.)
TOM: A dinner party?
LYNETTE: Yeah, it’ll be fun. Bree’s cooking, everyone’s coming.
TOM: You know what? I haven’t even had a chance to unpack yet, honey. I just, uh, I just need to chill out for the next few days.
LYNETTE: Oh. Tom. There’ll be liquor. And hors d’oeuvres. And grown-ups without children. And, and silverware. Remember silverware?
TOM: Honey, can you take this in for me? (hands LYNETTE a camera)
LYNETTE: (takes the camera from him) Have you heard anything I just said?
TOM: Yeah, honey, I’m sorry. I’m just, I’m wiped out. Three cities in 6 days, my head is just pounding. I’m not ready for a dinner party.
LYNETTE: I already got a sitter.
TOM: Can you cancel her? (LYNETTE makes a shocked sound) Please? Look, let’s just stay in tomorrow night. We can get a bottle of wine, and rent a video, and I just wanna hang out with my best gal. That’s all.
LYNETTE: I was looking so forward to a night out.
TOM: I know, sweetie, I’m sorry, but I, I’m beat. I mean, do you remember what it’s like to work a 60 hour week? (tosses a pair of socks into the laundry basket LYNTTE is holding and gets up, grabbing his briefcase and walking away.)
(LYNETTE just stands there, looking at him as he walks away.)
[CUT TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - KITCHEN]
REX: A dinner party? Do I have to go?
BREE: Well, given that we’re hosting it, I say so. By the way, you won’t be drinking at this party.
REX: Why’s that?
BREE: Because when you drink, you get chatty. No one needs to know that we’re seeing Dr. Goldfine.
REX: You know, if you spent half as much time working on our problems as you do covering them…
BREE: Not a drop!
REX: You know, this… this is ridiculous! This whole thing about us taking tennis lessons.
BREE: Well, the nurses at your office may start wondering why you’re disappearing three times a week. Tennis lessons are a plausible alibi. (hands REX a lunch bag)
REX: So these tennis lessons we’re taking. How we doing?
BREE: My backhand’s improving immensely, but you’re still having problems with your serve.
REX: Of course.
[CUT TO: EXT. MEYER HOUSE -- MORNING]
KARL: A dinner party?
SUSAN: It’s tomorrow night, so if you could just keep Julie an extra day.
KARL: Fine, but that’s all. Brandy and I leave Sunday for a week up at the cabin.
SUSAN: What cabin?
KARL: Brandy wanted someplace where we could get away. (turns to wink at BRANDI)
(BRANDI is leaning against the red car, drinking from a can. She waves back, smiling at KARL.)
KARL: Escrow just closed yesterday.
SUSAN: You can afford a cabin, but you can’t scrape up child support?
KARL: The cheque is in the mail.
SUSAN: (opens the mailbox and looks in) Uh, no, it’s not!
JULIE: (comes out the front door) I found my dental guard. I’m ready.
(JULIE looks at KARL and SUSAN, who both look down awkwardly.)
JULIE: Stop fighting.
SUSAN: We are being as nice as we possibly can to one another.
JULIE: Like I said, stop fighting. (gives SUSAN a kiss as she walks to KARL’s car)
(BRANDI throws her drink can towards the rubbish bin. She misses, and it rolls to the ground in front of SUSAN.)
SUSAN: Excuse me. Brandy. (points at the can) Do you mind?
BRANDI: Oh. Okay.
KARL: Uh, Susan. You’re right there, you can pick it up.
SUSAN: I could, but she’s the one who threw it.
KARL: Come on, don’t be petulant. Just pick up the stupid can.
(JULIE looks at KARL, seeing what’s coming as it’s about to escalate.)
SUSAN: No.
JULIE: I can pick it up.
SUSAN: Honey, stay out of this.
KARL: Fine. (walks towards SUSAN, about to pick up the can) This is so typical.
SUSAN: (kicks the can against KARL’s legs) Oh, sorry. Was that petulant too?
KARL: You know what? Pick up the damn can yourself.
SUSAN: Yeah, well you just go to hell. (picks the can against the car, which rolls down the driveway and stops at MIKE and Bongo’s feet.)
MIKE: You want me to pick it up? (grins at SUSAN)
SUSAN: Uh… (gestures helplessly)
[CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - DINING TABLE]
(ZACH and PAUL are sitting at the table. PAUL is reading the paper.)
ZACH: Mrs. Formington said she looked for Mum’s obituary, couldn’t find it. Did you put one in?
PAUL: (sighs) I’ve had other things on my mind, Zach.
ZACH: But how could you not do that? People will think we didn’t care about her.
PAUL: I doubt people will give it much thought. Don’t worry about it.
ZACH: You never talk about her. She hasn’t been dead a month, and it’s like you totally forgot she ever existed.
PAUL: It’s a little early for this kind of talk.
ZACH: Maybe when you die, I won’t put in an obituary.
PAUL: That will be your choice to make. Assuming you outlive me.
[CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - DINING ROOM]
(GABRIELLE is on the phone with her mother. She picks up a glass of orange juice from the dining table.)
GABRIELLE: Mum, it’s no big deal. Carlos and I will drive in for the baptism. Problem solved. (hears a tap on the front door, and goes to open the door for JOHN) Okay. Fine. You go with Aunt Maria, and I will take Nana to church. (whispers to John) Take your clothes off. Uh huh. I gotta go, Mum. Yes, right now. Okay. Uh, you can give me directions later. Bye. (puts down the phone) Hi, how was school?
JOHN: Got an A minus on my biology exam.
GABRIELLE: You did. Well, let’s see what you’ve learned. (Gasps as she looks at the front door to see a little girl peering at her and JOHN kissing)
JOHN: Who’s that?
GABRIELLE: I don’t know. (goes towards the front door as the little girl runs away) Hey! You!
[CUT TO: EXT. SCAVO HOUSE]
(LYNETTE and SUSAN are getting out of the car, retrieving some shopping from the back seat and trunk.)
LYNETTE: So did Mike say anything?
SUSAN: No, but god, you should’ve seen the look on his face.
LYNETTE: I’m sure it’s not that bad. He’s coming to the party, right?
SUSAN: I left three messages. Oh, he’s not gonna come. Big surprise. I did everything but foam at the mouth. God, I hate when I get that way. It’s like every time I get within 10 feet of Karl, I just become this monster.
LYNETTE: You know what, it’s not gonna change until you resolve your issues with that man.
SUSAN: What, you mean forgive him?
LYNETTE: Yeah.
SUSAN: You know, I’ve lived with this bitterness so long, I think I’d be lonely without it.
LYNETTE: Honey. Get a pet. See ya. (looks through a stack of photos, stopping at one.) Son of a…
(Cut to: LYNETTE throwing a photo of TOM at a Mexican party with two other men, in front of TOM)
TOM: It’s a business meeting!
LYNETTE: It’s a frat party.
TOM: Regional manager, corporate manager, head of sales.
LYNETTE: Margarita, cigar, sombrero.
TOM: Ooh, look, honey, what do you want me to do? Sit around the hotel the whole time, watching cable?
LYNETTE: No! But when I say, we’ve been invited to a party, don’t whine about your exhausting 60-hour week. Put on your dancing shoes, and take the mother of your children out for a good time.
TOM: Fine, you know what? Let’s go to that party. (goes to the fridge, and takes out a pack of jelly and a spoon)
LYNETTE: Can’t, I already cancelled the sitter.
TOM: Okay, well we’ll throw the next one.
LYNETTE: Throw a dinner party? I don’t even have time to wash my face. No, you know what? I’m gonna go to this one. You can stay home and babysit the kids.
TOM: Fine. I can handle that. (puts the spoon in his mouth as he tries to open the jelly pack)
(LYNETTE watches as TOM fiddles around with the jelly, unable to open it. She walks over and takes it from him, opening it with one swift pull. She walks off.)
TOM: Thank you.
[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE]
(GABRIELLE is driving around in her black car with the top down. She pulls into her driveway to see CARLOS crouching in front of the little girl. They shake hands and talk as GABRIELLE gets out and walks over to CARLOS.)
NARRATOR: Gabrielle spent her morning searching for the mysterious little girl. Sadly for her, the mystery was solved a bit too quickly.
GABRIELLE: Hey! What’s going on?
CARLOS: Have you met Ashley?
Neighbour: Found it! (walks up with a ball in her hands)
CARLOS: Babe, this is Sheila Bukowski, our new neighbour. They just moved into the Miller’s old house.
SHEILA: My daughter just left her ball in your yard. I’m so sorry.
GABRIELLE: Oh, oh, no problem. Nice to meet you, Ashley.
SHEILA: She’s shy, she doesn’t say much.
CARLOS: Yeah, well I can see her little mind working away. (laughs)
SHEILA: Nice meeting you. Come on, Ashley.
[CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - GARAGE]
(Zach goes into his garage at his house. He goes to a shelf, moving a box off and setting it down on another bench. He spots a small white box behind it, and takes it out, opening the box. He slowly takes out a gun, the one his mother used to kill herself. He looks at it.)
[CUT TO: INT. DR. GOLDFINE’S OFFICE - COUNSELLING ROOM]
(BREE and REX are sitting on the couch in front of DR. GOLDFINE.)
BREE: Private sessions? I don’t understand, why do we need private sessions?
DR. GOLDFINE: Private sessions allow us to work on the personal issues of both partners.
BREE: Oh, well I don’t have any personal issues. My only issue is that my husband wants to leave me, and how can I work on that if he’s not in the room?
REX: There are things I need to discuss with Dr. Goldfine, and I can’t have you there.
BREE: Why? I’m your wife, you can say anything in front of me. All we need is a few more sessions, and I’m sure we can…
REX: Dammit, Bree! A few more sessions isn’t gonna fix us. This is bigger than that.
(BREE looks at REX, crestfallen.)
DR. GOLDFINE: Why don’t we do it this way? Rex, you can take the first half hour. Bree, you can take the second.
BREE: Fine. Oh, and Doctor. If what he’s about to discuss has anything to do with adultery, prostitution or internet pornography, I would really appreciate you taking a moral hardline. (gets up, holding a tennis racket, and walks out to the waiting room.)
[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE - SIDEWALK]
(ASHLEY is sitting on the sidewalk, drawing with chalk on the sidewalk as GABRIELLE walks up to her tentatively.)
GABRIELLE: Hi, Ashley. Remember me? We met earlier?
(ASHLEY looks up at her, bored, then looks back down at her drawing.)
GABRIELLE: Wow, aren’t you the little artist. What are those, flamingos?
ASHLEY: (sullenly) No.
GABRIELLE: (taken aback) Well, they’re very pretty. It almost looks like they’re kissing. Funny thing about kissing. It’s not just for husbands and wives. Sometimes we kiss our mum, or our grandpa. Sometimes we even kiss our dog. Sometimes we even kiss people who are just our friends. Kinda like, a hi-five on the lips. Right? (holds up her hand for a hi-five. When ASHLEY doesn’t respond, she laughs awkwardly) Hey, Ash. I was at the mall, and I saw this. Thought you might like it. She’s Hawaiian. Her name is Princess Kahaluia. And, and I think it means “Little Waterfall”. Or “Big Pond” or something.
(ASHLEY looks at the doll, then puts it on her lap as she continues to draw)
GABRIELLE: Okay! So we’re good. Right?
(ASHLEY looks at GABRIELLE again, with an I-don’t-believe-you expression on her face. Heh.)
GABRIELLE: Okay. Well, you enjoy your new girlfriend. And if there’s anything else you need, you just let me know. (turns to walk away)
ASHLEY: What I’d really like, is a bike.
[CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - LIVING ROOM]
(Paul walks into his darkened living room. He goes to the fridge and opens it, looking inside. Suddenly, he hears a clicking noise. He turns to see Zach sitting on the floor against the couch, holding the gun, turning the empty barrel of the gun. Paul walks over and switches on the table lamp. He looks at ZACH.)
PAUL: Where did you find that?
ZACH: She used this to kill herself. Why would you keep it? Why?!
PAUL: Because I thought we might need it someday.
ZACH: For what?
PAUL: Protection.
ZACH: I wanna talk about Mum.
PAUL: You need to take your medication.
ZACH: We are going to talk about Mum!
(There is a knock at the door. They both look at the door, then back at each other. ZACH puts a finger to his lips, mouthing “shh” as he goes to the door. He cracks it open to see BREE standing outside.)
BREE: Hello Zach! I hope this isn’t a bad time.
ZACH: What can I do for you, Mrs. Van De Kamp?
BREE: Well, I wanted to invite you and your father to a dinner party tomorrow night.
ZACH: I’m not sure where he is right now.
BREE: Oh. Well, I’m sorry it’s such late notice, but well, we weren’t sure whether you and your father were ready for any kind of social engagement yet. But, well, we’re, we’re sort of throwing it in your mother’s honour.
ZACH: Really?
BREE: Yes, it’s just gonna be a casual night with the gang. We’re going to eat, and tell fun stories about your mum. (her smile falters as she sees ZACH looking grief-stricken and disturbed) Zach, are… are you okay?
PAUL: (appears at the door next to ZACH) Hello, Bree.
BREE: Oh hi, Paul, I was just…
PAUL: I heard. Thank you, we already have plans for tomorrow. (takes his hand off ZACH’s shoulder and moves it down his back to take the gun from where ZACH is holding it behind his back)
BREE: Oh. That’s too bad. Well, I should go.
ZACH: Thank you. Mrs. Van de Kamp.
BREE: For what, Zach?
ZACH: For remembering my mum.
NARRATOR: That night, Paul gave his son something to calm his nerves.
(PAUL has his hand on ZACH’s shoulder, and pulls him inside, shutting the door.)
[CUT TO: EXT. SOLIS HOUSE]
(GABRIELLE opens the car trunk, and moves a bike out to put in front of a waiting ASHLEY.)
NARRATOR: And the next day, Gabrielle calmed her own nerves by giving something to her new best friend.
GABRIELLE: Here you go. Top of the line, free speed, aluminium frame, handlebar ribbons, and a bell. And you’ll notice it’s royal blue to match your pretty little eyes.
ASHLEY: My eyes are green.
GABRIELLE: Yeah, well, you’ll be cruising so fast on this, no one will even notice. (gives ASHLEY a helmet and props the bike up on the sidewalk) It’s all yours, hon. Have fun. (notices ASHLEY isn’t moving) What? What’s wrong?
ASHLEY: I don’t know how to ride a bike.
GABRIELLE: What? Well, then why did you ask for one?
ASHLEY: (shrugs her shoulders) Why can’t you show me?
GABRIELLE: (laughs) Sure, one of these days.
ASHLEY: What’s wrong with now?
[CUT TO: INT. MEYER HOUSE - STUDY]
(SUSAN sits at her work desk, flipping through a photo album. We see many picture, where KARL’s head is cut out of all the photos.)
NARRATOR: After her talk with Lynette, Susan decided to take a look at her old photo album. And she began to see herself in a whole new light. And the picture wasn’t flattering.
(SUSAN sighs, picking up the phone and dialling a number. We hear KARL’s voice mailbox message, “Yeah, you got Karl. Leave a message.”, followed by a beep.)
SUSAN: Hey Karl, it’s me. I was hoping you’d be there. Um, listen, we need to talk. So, maybe when you drop Julie off tomorrow, we could have a moment. It’s important. Give my best to… Brandy. Call me.
NARRATOR: Susan was proud of herself. She was finally ready to let go of her anger. Well, almost.
(SUSAN slides the cut-out head of KARL from underneath one of the pictures. She holds it up, looking at it for a moment until she starts scrunching the head together between her fingers.)
[CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN]
(We hear one of the boys yelling for LYNETTE in the background. LYNETTE is wearing a robe with curlers in her hair, and a mask on her face. TOM goes to the fridge and takes out a sports drink.)
LYNETTE: The boys will be hungry at 5:30, so put the fish sticks in the toaster oven at 5 o’clock…
TOM: … for a half an hour. Honey, I know, this is the third time you’ve told me.
LYNETTE: Well, the ? god help you.
TOM: Beautiful, I don’t need a pamphlet. It’s not brain surgery. They’re just kids, for god’s sake. (goes up the stairs)
LYNETTE: Preston, would you come here?
PRESTON: Yeah?
LYNETTE: Sweetie, you know our rule about eating cookies, right?
PRESTON: Yeah, we can’t have ‘em after 5, cause sugar makes us hyper.
LYNETTE: Yeah, but tonight, anything goes. (gives PRESTON a box of animal cookies) Make sure you share with your brothers.
PRESTON: Thanks Mum! (goes up the stairs)
(LYNETTE fixes her curlers, looking proud of herself)
[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE]
(We see GABRIELLE tottering along in her heels, as she helps ASHLEY riding along in her bike.)
GABRIELLE: Don’t look at your feet. Don’t look at your feet, look at the road. Look at the road. Ow. Uh, okay, find your balance. Find your balance. Okay, it’s all you. It’s all you, you’re doing great! Okay, stay to the right. Watch the car. Watch the car. Watch the car! (ASHLEY veers to the right of the car, narrowing missing the car, but falling off the bike) Oh god. (runs towards ASHLEY, helping her up) Are you okay?
ASHLEY: Yeah. Let’s go again.
GABRIELLE: (panting) Oh honey. These heels don’t have another block in them.
ASHLEY: What about tomorrow?
GABRIELLE: Well, you won’t be around tomorrow, ‘cause you have school.
ASHLEY: I’m home-schooled. I’m always around.
NARRATOR: It was in that moment that Gabrielle realized this ride was far from over.
[CUT TO: EXT. MEYER HOUSE - PORCH]
(We hear a doorbell ring. SUSAN runs to the door with a towel wrapped around her body.)
SUSAN: I’m coming! (opens the door to KARL) Karl, what are you doing here? I asked you to come tomorrow.
KARL: You said you wanted to talk, it sounded important.
SUSAN: Tomorrow! I’m in a towel!
KARL: We were married 14 years, I know what’s under there. Come on. (walks into the house)
SUSAN: I’m not really ready for this, I was gonna have a whole speech prepared.
KARL: Brandy and I have plans tomorrow. I suggest you wing it.
SUSAN: Oh. Um, okay. Here’s the thing, Karl. I was thinking about what happened in the driveway yesterday. And I just don’t wanna, I don’t wanna live like this. I don’t wanna be that kind of person. And I just thought, if the two of us had a nice calm… I need an apology, Karl.
KARL: A what?
SUSAN: An apology. For the way you ended our marriage. You never took any responsibility for your behaviour.
KARL: I don’t know what to say, Susan. The heart wants what it wants.
SUSAN: What does that mean?
KARL: I fell in love.
SUSAN: While you were married to someone else! (gesturing to herself)
KARL: The heart… wants what it wants.
SUSAN: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself.
KARL: I don’t wanna go back to that ugly place, really, and if you do, I suggest you get some help. (walks outside)
SUSAN: (follows him outside, still wearing just the towel) You know what? I don’t need an apology. I don’t need anything from you.
KARL: You’re humiliating yourself. (gets in the car)
SUSAN: (opens the passenger side door, and bends down to talk to him) No, you’re the one who’s been humiliating yourself, Karl, why don’t you see that? You walked out on your family. People think you’re scum, not me. So worry about yourself, I’m okay with me. I can walk down the street and walk my head high. (shuts the passenger side door of KARL’s CAR as he drives off, pulling the towel off SUSAN)
(SUSAN is appalled, and quickly runs towards the front door, covering herself with her hands. She tries to open the door, but it’s locked. She gasps, and tiptoes towards a wooden post on her porch, hiding behind it. She eyes a tall plant, and pulls it towards her, covering herself more.)
NARRATOR: On Wisteria Lane, an unsettled Susan racked her brain to find a way into her own house.
(SUSAN holds the plant in front of her, and sidesteps her way down the steps and towards the garden shed on the left of her house. She tries to open the door to the shed, but it’s also locked. She tiptoes towards a window, and tries to open it. It’s stuck. She puts down the plant and uses two hands to try and open it. She slips, and falls into her shrubs on her back!)
NARRATOR: Lying naked in her shrubs, it occurred to Susan that this could be the most humiliating moment of her life.
(MIKE walks by and notices her lying there.)
MIKE: Susan?
NARRATOR: She was wrong.
MIKE: (averts his eyes, grinning) Uh.. whatcha’ doing?
SUSAN: Locked myself out. Naked.
MIKE: Oh.
SUSAN: And then I fell. (crosses her legs) So how are you?
MIKE: Good. I just got back. I was gone all day, and I got your messages about dinner, and, um, I would love to come if the invite still stands.
SUSAN: It’s a date.
MIKE: Alright, I um, assume the dress is, uh, casual.
SUSAN: Yeah, it’s… it’s casual.
(MIKE nods, grinning as he walks off. SUSAN squeals and covers herself with the plants.)
[CUT TO: EXT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE]
(SUSAN and MIKE walk up the porch. SUSAN is holding a bottle of wine.)a
SUSAN: Thanks for helping me break in. Do you think it’s gonna be hard to replace that screen?
MIKE: Well that depends. Nail it in yourself, you might wanna wear gloves. Or pants. Pants wouldn’t hurt.
SUSAN: Okay. I know what just happened is funny, in theory, but I am nowhere near ready to laugh about it. So please, no jokes.
BREE: (opens the front door) Hey, where’ve you been?
MIKE: Um, Susan had a problem finding something to wear (stifles his laughter). Oh, was that the kinda thing you meant?
SUSAN: Pretty much.
LYNETTE: The kids are bouncing off the walls? Huh. Well I’m sure you can find a way to put them to bed, Tom. I mean, for god’s sakes, Tom, they’re just kids.
SUSAN: (notices GABRIELLE is limping) Hey, are you okay?
GABRIELLE: Yes, I, I went jogging today, and I think I just pushed myself too hard.
SUSAN: Well, you’re probably not wearing the right shoes.
GABRIELLE: Yeah, that thought did cross my mind.
CARLOS: So Gabrielle says you and Bree are taking lessons three times a week.
REX: Uh-huh.
CARLOS: I’m actually thinking about playing again. I mean, it’s such great exercise.
REX: That it is.
CARLOS: And my drop-shot could use a serious tune-up. Think you could give me the number of your pro?
REX: Yeah, I’ll, uh, give it to you later.
CARLOS: Well, what club does he work out of?
REX: Um. We’re not really taking tennis lessons, Carlos.
CARLOS: You’re not.
REX: That’s a story Bree concocted to cover the fact that we’re seeing a marriage counsellor.
(BREE, standing right behind him, drops her plate of hors d’oeuvres on the ground. REX turns around, startled. Everyone else turns to watch.) Bree, Bree.
(BREE takes his glass of wine from him.)
REX: He wouldn’t stop asking about the tennis pro. (turns to everyone else) Bree and I are in marriage counselling. Everyone knows our secret now. Did the sky fall? Has your life come crashing down?
(GABRIELLE, LYNETTE and SUSAN look at each other, dumbfounded.)
BREE: If everybody would please take your seats. Dinner is served.
[CUT TO: INT. YOUNG HOUSE - LIVING ROOM]
(ZACH is sleeping on the couch with the TV on. PAUL comes in, and sees him sleeping. He walks over and sits on the coffee table. He looks at ZACh, pulling a blanket over him. He looks up as he hears the news on TV, on channel KQRY 15.)
NEWS REPORTER: A recent discovery was made today in Westbrook, when a chest was found in Rock Water Lake, discovered by a local area businessman and his grandson while they were fishing. Investigators recovered a wooden chest, containing what appears to be human remains. Now a police spokesman said that the body was…
(PAUL switches the TV off. He gets up and switches off the lamp, leaving the room. ZACH opens his eyes.)
[CUT TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - DINING ROOM]
(The atmosphere is icy, as the dinner proceeds in silence. REX looks at BREE, then down at his plate. BREE is embaressed. MIKE looks at BREE, then REX,, then back down. CARLOS stares at his plate as he raises his eyebrows. GABRIELLE pretends to be engrossed in her food, then sips at her water. SUSAN can’t stand the silence.)
SUSAN: Okay, I gotta break the ice here. So you’re in counselling, big deal. You want humiliation? I’ll give you humiliation. I locked myself out of my house stark naked and got caught by Mike.
GABRIELLE: Oh my god, when did this happen?
SUSAN: Today. Right before the party.
MIKE: What can I say? Right place, right time.
(Everyone laughs, relieved to enjoy the story..)
LYNETTE: I think I can top that. Try getting thrown out of Disneyland for lewd behaviour.
SUSAN: What? When was this?
LYNETTE: When Tom and I were first married, things got a little out of hand on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.
REX: (grinning) You’re kidding.
LYNETTE: No, we got perp-walked down Main Street USA.
(BREE looks at REX, who’s laughing at the others’ stories. She is appalled that he can out her secret and not give a damn. Uh-oh, look out, Rex.)
GABRIELLE: Well since we’re doing true confessions. Carlos and I once broke a waterbed in Cancun.
MIKE: How’d you manage that?
GABRIELLE: Oh he used to have a thing for spiked heels.
CARLOS: I’d just like to make it clear, she was wearing them.
(Everyone laughs again, except BREE.)
BREE: Rex cries after he ejaculates.
(REX looks at BREE, appalled, who smiles at him, then looks down at her plate. SUSAN looks at BREE, then looks down. CARLOS looks at REX, then looks down as well. LYNETTE turns to see REX’s reaction. REX wipes his mouth, then gets up and leaves the table. We see him grabbing his car keys, then slamming the front door. BREE resumes eating, as the rest of them sit uncomfortably.)
[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE -- LATER]
(MIKE and SUSAN are walking down the darkened Wisteria Lane.)
MIKE: You think we left too early?
SUSAN: I was thinking we left too late.
MIKE: So is, uh, Rex gone for good?
SUSAN: I don’t know. God, I hope not. I mean, they’ve always been wound a little tight, but I’ve never seen him like that. Then again, who am I to judge?
MIKE: You mean, people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw soda cans?
SUSAN: Okay, you have got to know that I only get that angry around Karl. He just treated me so badly at the end, I… I haven’t been able to get past it.
MIKE: Maybe he did you a big favour.
SUSAN: What do you mean?
MIKE: Just look at Karl as the starter marriage, you know, boot camp. Preparing you for something better next time.
SUSAN: Listen, Mike, I… about the whole seeing me naked thing. I don’t know, I just, I wanna thank you for being such a… perfect gentleman.
MIKE: Oh I wasn’t a perfect gentleman, I might’ve snuck a peek.
SUSAN: Oh. Goodnight. (bursts into laughter and walks towards her door.)
MIKE: Oh, and, uh, for what it’s worth… wow.
(SUSAN stares as MIKE walks away, smiling. She stands there surprised, then a huge smile blooms on her face as she opens her door and walks in.)
[CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - LIVING ROOM]
(TOM is asleep on the couch. A red cloth comes down to tickle his face and he starts, waking up to see LYNETTE.)
TOM: Hi.
LYNETTE: How was your night?
TOM: We are raising little terrorists, you know that, don’t you?
LYNETTE: Oh. Didn’t have a good time?
TOM: You know what, drop the act. I know you gave them cookies.
LYNETTE: Oooh. Who cracked anyway?
TOM: Porter. Yeah. So how was your dinner party?
LYNETTE: Well, there was dinner, but it wasn’t much of a party.
TOM: Uh oh, what happened?
LYNETTE: I don’t know. Rex announced that he and Bree are in counselling. She retaliated with this whole revelation which I won’t even go into now. And the bottom line is, he stormed out. Clearly there’s trouble in paradise.
TOM: Honestly, I’m not that surprised.
LYNETTE: Why not?
TOM: I don’t know, I just never got the, uh, idea that they were really happy.
LYNETTE: Are we happy?
(They look at each other.)
[CUT TO: INT. SOLIS HOUSE - BATHROOM]
(CARLOS is standing at the mirror, trimming his nose-hair. Eeyuww. GABRIELLE is rubbing oil up and down her legs.)
CARLOS: Man, oh man. I keep seeing that look on Rex’s face, and then him taking off like that? Heh. Some night. Then again, I would probably cry too if I had to have sex with that woman. (GABRIELLE cracks a smile.) I mean, you watch a man got torn down like that, makes you wonder why he’d let her get away with it. (GABRIELLE looks up, spooked.) Believe me, if a woman ever humiliated me like that in public, heh, it would only happen once. (CARLOS walks off, but GABRIELLE stands there still looking very scared.)
[CUT TO: INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - BEDROOM]
(BREE is packing REX’s suitcase. REX is sitting on the bed.)
BREE: So, uh, where are you going?
REX: I’ll be staying at the motor launch.
BREE: Hotel by the interstate has better rates, and, uh, it’s closer to your work.
REX: Fine.
BREE: I’m packing your swimsuit. There’s a pool there, and I know how swimming relaxes you.
REX: When our kids ask where I am, what’re you gonna say?
BREE: Umm, I can tell them that you went to tennis camp. That was a joke.
REX: Yeah. I got it.
BREE: There. Obviously, if you’ve forgotten anything, you can, um, come right back and get it.
REX: Well, I’ll call you.
BREE: Rex. In college, when we first started dating, people were so jealous of us. We were the golden couple. Everybody knew we were gonna have this wonderful life. Why is this happening?
REX: Because you can’t even let me pack my own suitcase. (walks out, leaving BREE standing there.)
(BREE walks towards the bed. She looks like she’s about to burst into tears. She collects herself, clearing her throat as she straightens the bed.)
[CUT TO: EXT. MEYER HOUSE]
(KARL is dropping JULIE off. SUSAN comes out the front door.)
KARL: (kisses JULIE on the head) Alright, see you. (gets in the car)
JULIE: Hey, where’re you going?
SUSAN: Just a sec.
JULIE: Mum?
SUSAN: Don’t worry, I’m not packing heat. (opens the passenger side door where BRANDI is sitting) Hey Brandy, could you scoot a little? Just scoot, thank you. (gets in and shuts the door) Hi.
KARL: W-What are you doing?
SUSAN: I’ll be quick. Brandy, I’m sorry for the way I treated you. It was uncalled for, and childish, and it won’t happen again. I have built up a lot of anger towards you, both of you, and I realise now that I just can’t carry that around anymore. So, apology or no apology, I’m moving on.
(BRANDI looks startled, sitting there. Suddenly, she gets up and out of the car.)
BRANDI: Mrs. Meyer?
KARL: Brandy. Brandy, get in the car.
BRANDI: Mrs. Meyer?
SUSAN: Please. Call me Susan.
BRANDI: I just wanted you to know, what happened between me and Karl, things got out of hand because I thought your marriage was over. Anyway, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry, I really am.
SUSAN: Thank you.
NARRATOR: And though it came from an unexpected source, Susan finally got the apology she’d always wanted.
[CUT TO: INT. SCAVO HOUSE - FOYER]
(LYNETTE comes in the door with bags of stuff, and mail in her mouth.)
TOM: (comes down the stairs wearing a sombrero) Hey, let me take those. (takes her shopping bags and mail)
LYNETTE: You’re wearing a really big hat.
TOM: (puts the stuff down on the table, then puts some music on) Yes, I am. Listen, the kids are watching a video, which means that we’ve only got about 45 minutes until they actually find Nemo, so I suggest that we make the most of it. (puts the finishing touches on some margheritas.)
LYNETTE: By reliving your night out with the guys?
TOM: Lynette? I’m trying. (offers her a margherita)
LYNETTE: You look… ridiculous in that thing.
TOM: Sexy ridiculous?
LYNETTE: Maybe.
TOM: I can live with maybe.
LYNETTE: (twirls her around and slow-dances with her) Aww. You know, it’s gonna take more than just this one night.
TOM: I know. (they kiss) Ahh, looks like we have an audience.
(We see the three SCAVO kids sitting on the landing of the stairs, watching their parents dance)
LYNETTE: Let ‘em look. As long as they don’t try and cut in.
[CUT TO: INT. DR. GOLDFINE’S OFFICE]
(There’s a knock on the door as BREE comes in.)
BREE: Dr. Goldfine.
DR. GOLDFINE: Bree. We’re not scheduled now, are we?
BREE: I didn’t have time to make an appointment. Rex moved out today.
DR. GOLDFINE: I’m very sorry to hear that, but unfortunately, I’m completely booked right now.
BREE: I don’t need much time, it just seems that you have more insight into my situation than I do. And I just think that…
DR. GOLDFINE: Bree, we can’t talk now.
BREE: If you would just tell me what he told you, then I could fix the problem.
DR. GOLDFINE: You can’t do that, it’s completely unethical.
BREE: Well, why can’t you… (stops when she hears a bell ring from the outer office)
DR. GOLDFINE: That’s my next appointment. You really need to go.
BREE: Dr. Goldfine, please?
DR. GOLDFINE: Hold on. I’ll go talk to my client.
(DR. GOLDFINE leaves the room. BREE paces around the room, then spots a cupboard that hasn’t been fully closed. She looks through the tapes marked with names of DR. GOLDFINE’s clients. She finds REX’s tape and fingers it,, but stops as she sees one labelled “M.A. YOUNG”.)
NARRATOR: Bree searched for Rex’s audio tape, hoping to find answers. She found answers, all right. But to an entirely different question.
(BREE takes the tape out and looks at it, but is startled as she hears DR. GOLDFINE’s voice in the outer office, and drops the tape. She shuts the cupboard door, picks up the tape and hides it in her cardigan. She leans against his desk, wrapping her arms around herself, looking distraught. DR. GOLDFINE comes back in.)
DR. GOLDFINE: Bree, I’m sorry, he can’t wait. I can see you first thing in the morning, 8 o’clock.
BREE: 8 o’clock. Sorry to interrupt. Bye. (leaves the office quickly)
[CUT TO: EXT. WISTERIA LANE - NIGHT]
NARRATOR: Yes, I remember the world. Every detail.
(Pan to: BREE sitting at her window, fingering the tape. She turns to look out the window as she hears a faint banging noise.)
NARRATOR: And what I remember most is how afraid I was. What a waste.
(Pan to: GABRIELLE, lying in bed awake. She hears the noise, and gets up, going to the window to look out.)
NARRATOR: You see, to live in fear is not to live at all. I wish I could tell this to those I left behind, but would it do any good? Probably not.
(Pan to: SUSAN, sitting at her work desk, looking through some more photos. She looks out the window and across the road.)
NARRATOR: I understand now there will always be those who face their fears, and there will always be those who run away.
(Pan to: PAUL banging a huge “FOR SALE By Owner” with a hammer into his front yard.)
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