Joe: Now tell me, what kind of dancing do you do?
MIA: Dancing? Just the normal kind. You know, like…
Joe: I see. We have a Genovian alternative. Now, the dances here are very sedate right from the hips. In place. No bobbing of the head, please. It’s not a doggy on a dashboard. Straight up. Let’s practice this here. Now, this dance is between a waltz and a tango, you see?
MIA: It’s a wango?
Joe: no. all right, here we go. Spin out and spin into me. Um…try again. One more spin. Very quickly, now pull away. That’s it. Good. Good attitude. Spin in. good.
MIA: I did it? Grandma, I spun without hurting anyone!
Clarisse: That’s very good news. Better. It’s coming along. Now you may go home. Thank you, Joseph.
Joe: You’re been wearing black too long.
Lilly: Mia! Are you ready?
MIA: On, hey. I’m really sorry but I can’t do it today. I’ve got a Grandma thing. And I‘ll call you. Bye.
Lilly: What? Has your grandma turned into the big bad wolf? Cute, Jeremiah, but a way to a girl’s heart is not by treating her like a vending machine.
Clarisse: You’re late.
MIA: I know. I am really sorry about it.
Clarisse: And where is Paolo?
Charlotte: Send in Paolo
Clarisse: Ah! Always prompt. Good afternoon. We’re so pleased you could make yourself available to be here.
PAOLO: Your Majesty.
Clarisse: We won’t waste time. Let the work begin.
PAOLO: Ah, of course. Where is the beautiful girl?
Clarisse: My granddaughter Amelia.
PAOLO: She is gorgeous. Let us take a closer look.
Clarisse: Paolo, we have a limited number of days before the state dinner.
PAOLO: Fizzy, busy, and dizzy. In the best sense.
Clarisse: Oh, I would like it if your ladies would also sign our confidentiality agreement.
PAOLO: Majesty, they know what is a secret, eh?
Charlotte: Excuse me, Your Majesty. The Genovian press secretary’s waiting for your call.
Clarisse: Oh, of course. Well, I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave and come back and be surprised. Charlotte, watch him like a hawk.
PAOLO: so we begin, princess? In Paolo’s hands, remember: you will be beautiful. You have thick hair. Like a wolf. Do you wear contact lenses?
MIA: well I have them, but I don’t really like to wear them that much.
PAOLO: now you do.
MIA: you broke my glasses!
PAOLO: you broke my brush. I love your eyebrows. We’ll call them “frida” and “kahlo”. If Brooke Shields married Groucho Marx that child would have your eyebrows. Do you want to know a big secret?
Woman: tell me.
Paolo: the cucumber does nothing. This is something we make up. Majesty, Paolo is exhausted because, Majesty, only Paolo can take this and this… and gives you a princess.
Clarisse: better. Much better. Why don’t we go and have a wonderful cup of tea? Come, Mia!
Michael: Lily, the car’s here!
Lilly: I’m coming!
Michael: thanks for the ride. Thank you.
Lilly: Michael, don’t always think you can get a ride with us. Who destroyed you?
MIA: oh. You think it looks that bad?
Lilly: you look ridiculous. You should sue.
MIA: I know it’s a little straighter and shouter
Lilly: Weirder!
Michael: An attractive weirder.
Lilly: no. It’s not attractive. What I really can’t understand you ditched me again yesterday when I needed your help on the Greenpeace petition. This bag! You have one of these bags? You know we could hock that and feed a whole Third World country? Am I right?
Joe: if there are no more passengers I think we should close the door.
Lilly: I mean you used to care more about what was inside your head instead of on it. Come on, Mia. Fess up. I don’t know where you are these days and now you’re turning into an A-crowd wannabe? You are morphing into one of them? And who knows, next week you could be waving pom-poms in my face. You sold out!
Joe: Was my rear-view mirror fogging up or was someone tearing back there?
MIA: I’m fine.
Joe: very well. Then I’ll go meet your grandmother. But you should know that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
MIA: Eleanor Roosevelt said that.
Joe: yes. Another special lady like yourself. I’ll be back at 3:00.
Lilly: she has a hat. Do you really think wearing that hat will keep people from seeing your new Lana-do? Just because the student population might be morally bankrupt doesn’t mean they’re blind.
MIA: Lilly! Just stop it, OK? Just because your hair sucks, get off mine!
Michael: Ouch. Thank you.
Lilly: Michael, can you please pretend you have a life for just one moment? What did you just say to me?
MIA: you heard me. I am so sick of you ragging on me all the time and always telling me what to do. I get enough of that from my mother and now my grandmother and I don’t need it from you!
Lilly: I’m not an idiot, so I know something’s going on you’re not telling me! Friends tell, so you know what? Here is your friendship charm. I’m taking it off and it’s going in the dirt!
MIA: don’t do that, ok? All right, just wait.
Lilly: why?
MIA: I will tell you the truth but you’re gonna think it’s really stupid and you’re gonna freak.
Lilly: try me. Shut up!
MIA: is that all you can say?
Lilly: I’m sorry I was harsh and I don’t know what else there is to say. Will you come on my cable show?
MIA: no, I can’t. This is a royal secret. You can’t tell anyone. Not even Michael especially not Michael. You are sworn to secrecy. Secret handshake. We might have to think of a new secret handshake.
Lilly: are you really sure you can run a country? You can barely keep your goldfish alive for more than a couple of days.
MIA: Lilly, I’m really sure of anything tight now.
Lilly: listen; there are pros and cons to being a princess.
MIA: Shh! don’t say that word. People can hear.
Teacher: class has begun and I have a little surprise for you. Pop quiz. French Revolution.
Anna: Mr. O’CONNELL, there’s a school rule that says nobody’s allowed to wear hats in class. And I don’t think anybody should be an exception to that rule, do you?
Teacher: no, Anna. Mia, I’m sorry, but hats are against the dress code.
Lana: look who’s trying to fit in now.
It’s a wig. Right?
I think it looks really sweet, Mia.
Looks like she got a head transplant.
Lilly: well, I think it rocks. And you know what? Voltaire. Hair. I would personally like to learn about Voltaire.
Clarisse: the roses are lovely. But now we need fountains lights in the trees. The Japanese Embassy has a waterfall. Why can’t we have fountains?
Charlotte: We have a fountain up there, ma’am.
Clarisse: well, I would like at least two in here. Charlotte, just make me an Eden. Amelia? Let’s continue. In your spare time, I would like you to read these. What’s in a name?
MIA: that which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet.
Clarisse: and so you wave to them and acknowledge them gracefully. Not quite so big, because, of course it’s very exhausting after a while. Try it properly. Waving, even more gently. You say, “thank you for being here today.”
MIA: so this is considered art?
HELEN: My parents did this in the Sixties. Yes! They had an exhibition at Woodstock. And I guess you’re trying to bring it back?
MIA: And I guess you’re trying to bring it back?
HELEN: well, this beats homework.
MIA: yeah. Some moms help their kids with homework, we do this.
This is more fun than princess lessons.
MIA: Tell me, how dose my mother, really, for that matter go into a parent-teacher conference and come out with a date?
HELEN: Mia, Mr. O’Connell is not married. He’s not living with anyone. Plus he’s not pierced, tattooed, or hair-plugged. Do you realize how rare that is south of Market Street?
MIA: Ok. Did it ever occur to you that if you dated one of my teachers, it would give the other kids license to mock me for the rest of my life?
HELEN: No, you’re right. I didn’t, and I am sorry. It’s just that Patrick is such a nice man. He is a real gentleman and I haven’t met one of those in a long, long time.
MIA: Ok. It’s fine.
HELEN: I just can’t do anything right anymore, can I?
Boys: Come on! Go for it! Come on, get her! In your face! Just block one, Mia!
MIA: I can’t do this. I’m a girl.
Teacher: What am I, a duck?
MIA: I mean you are an athletic girl. I am a synchronized swimming, yoga-doing, horseback-riding, wall-climbing-type girl. My hand-eye coordination is zero.
Teacher: All right, you can go again later. Josh! Get in here.
Josh: yeah, I’m in. So, I was watching you earlier and you’re way tense. You know what I’m saying? Bring it on.
MIA: Hey, Joe? I’m turning the back seat into a dressing room so I can change into a proper outfit for Madame. OK?
Joe: Yes, well, don’t forget your shoes.
MIA: Oh, thanks.
Joe: Strange town, San Francisco. When I purchased the pumps, they asked if I wanted them wrapped or if I wanted to wear them. All right, closing. I’ve never put on pantyhose, but it sounds dangerous.
MIA: Grandma? Is it customary in Genovia to imprison your dinner guests with Hermes scarves?
Clarisse: It’s Hermes. The scarf is merely a training tool. Eventually you will learn to sit and eat properly without it. Manners matter but enough etiquette for the day. Now, Genovia does a lot of trade with Spain so we prepare for that. The quickest way to a Spanish heart is dance.
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