Maggie: Jason, I don't know what I can do about dinner. I gotta work late tonight, or I would
never finish that story. Don't forget Mike start that dentist appointment at three.
Jason: I can take him. I cancelled my three o'clock patient, and moved my cluster ferment
back to six.
Maggie: Great, any cook?
Jason: Well, maybe. As long as there isn't wrong with the elevator.
Maggie: Never mind, I'll pick up something.
Jason: You know how long it's been sensual??, we've been not along together
Maggie: We're along now.
Jason: I'm talking about "along" I mean without our children, without our work, without our
clothes.
Ben: Hey, mom, where are my wings?
Mike: Houston, a short time. I am going to down in the kitchen.
Ben: Come on Mike, I've got to the dress rehearsal in ten minutes
Mike: Oh, no, enemy plane, there's gotta be a definitely dog fight by new.
Ben&Carol: Mom!
Jason: OK, Mike, please stop shooting your sister and give the kid back his wings.
Mike: OK, OK, OK. And Seaver steals the ball in midcourt,
he fakes left, fakes right, goes up
and, scoring!
Jason: Hello?
Maggie: That's it! Now the last one on that school bus has to eat his father's pancakes for a
week. Bye!
Jason: Nice!
Maggie: Oh, I am sorry. Honey, how can I make it up?
Jason: Well, see if this gives you any ideas.
Maggie: Brown s gorilla takes a bride?
Jason: No, no, read that.
Maggie: Mount snow?? getaway
weekend,189.95.Oh, Jason, look. It's the Hardly Inn.
Remember last time we were there?
Jason: Yeah, fifteen years ago.
Maggie: Right after we were married.
Jason: As I recalled, we never did use our lift tickets
Maggie: And 9 months later, we have Mike.
Jason: Maybe we should have done a little skiing.
Maggie: Well, It would be fun if we ve done that sometime
Jason: Well, how about this weekend?
Maggie: What?
Jason: Yeah, come on, Maggie. Why don't we just go for?
Maggie: Really?
Jason: Really!
Maggie: Well, It would be so much fun. That's it, 189.95 times 2... do you think they ll charge
full price for Ben
Jason: No, no, no. Because I am talking about "Benless" weekend. A
"Benless","Carolless","Mikeless" weekend.
Maggie: That's a pretty "schooless" guestless.
Jason: Yeah. well Call me a snarl??.
Maggie: Oh, Jason. Where can we find a sitter on such a short notice.
Jason: Well, I have a perfect candidate.
Maggie: Who?
Jason: Sit down!
Maggie: Not Mike!
Jason: I beg you to sit down!
Maggie: But Jason, we ve never let him be in charge for more than six hours!
Jason: If our own homemade policy cover most of that. Come on, that won't be a problem.
Maggie: Honey, he is fifteen years old, he even doesn't have a driver license
Jason: He doesn't have to drive the house, he only has to sit in it.
Maggie: Honey, It's just such a big step.
Jason: I agree it's a very big step...for us.
Maggie: What do you mean?
Jason: Well, I mean it's a...it's tough a bit sometime that your kids is growing up.
Maggie: Jason, the boy just slammed down a great fruit to his brother's halo.
Jason:Well, I think Mike should be able to handle something like this. The question is: can we
handle it?
Maggie: You really think it will be OK?
Jason: I really think it will be OK.
Maggie: OK. If they can handle, I can handle.
Jason: Then you'll go?
Maggie: You bet.
Jason: And you'll kick back and relax?
Maggie: Jason, you are looking at the first lady of relaxation.
Maggie: OK, one more time, emergency phone numbers.
Kids: In the kitchen on the refrigerator
Maggie OK, poison drills, strong alkali, acid, petroleum products.
Kids: Call the fireman and drink milk.
Maggie: Everything else?
Kids: Check the doctor and Throw up.
Jason: where's the first lady of relaxation?
Maggie: Just going over a few things, Jason. Let s come and not be delayed?
Jason Hey, Mike, here's a hundred dollars.
Mike: I can get this for doing nothing but, thanks.
Jason: That s for emergency use only.
Mike: So I can fill an emergency dates? Just kidding, dad. I find that humor can keep a little
on its ease.
Jason: Thanks what you'll do, Mike.
Maggie: Now I want you guys all try and get along. Mike is in ch...ch...charge.
Mike: And I want to reassure you that if anything should go a miss, just it would be a swift,
and severe.
Carol: Dad. Don't you think there should be like a system of checks and balance here. I
mean...I can accept that Mike has a certain authority, just Ben and I have...
Ben: Baseball bats.
Mike: I'll get that.
Man: Good afternoon. I'm from the Faxross Encyclopedia Company
Mike: I am sorry, sir, but my parents really don't have time at the moment, you see they are
about to go away for the weekend.
Man: Oh. Ok. Well, thank you anyway. Have a nice trip.
Maggie: Mike, you should never, ever tell someone like that your parents aren t gonna be at
home.
Jason: Not up to a great start, Mike.
Mike: OK, OK, I mean this guy does not look like a psycal killer type
Maggie: Hi, Seaver, tell me, smart guy, what exactly does a cycle killer type look like?
Jason: That's very good.
Maggie: OK. that's it, That's it, That's everything. Look, by the time we get to the hotel it
might be late. What are you guys gonna do tonight.
Mike: Probably just hang on.
Maggie: OK, we'll call you in the morning.
Mike: Right.
Jason: We are out of here.
Maggie: Your father and I rely on you, Mike. We have the up most confidence in your ability
to take care of the house and my babies.
Jason: No time.
Maggie: We wouldn't be doing this if we didn t trust in Mike
Jason: Maggie, let's go.
Maggie: OK, OK, Well, bye, everybody.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, look at this.
Jason : Looks great.
Maggie: It's the same room we had fifteen years ago. Same furniture, same view.
Jason: Same bar of soap. Not everything the same, now they...sanitized the toilet for our
protection.
Maggie: I'm sure they hold up this as long as they could.
Jason: Remember what we did here? The very first night? You were crazy! You re still that
crazy?
Maggie: Oh, I don't know...
Jason: Fine, I dare you.
Maggie: Double dare?
Jason: You are? You are crazy after all these years. Look out.
Maggie: You know maybe we should call the kids
Jason: If somebody said we should call the kids?
Maggie: I mean they feel so... far away
Jason: Yeah?
Maggie: You know, 300 miles away?
Jason: Yeah
Maggie: Imagine how tiny they look from 300 miles
Jason: Yeah.
Maggie: How lost, how helpless, how abandon.
Jason: Maggie, it's after ten. We said we'd call them in the morning.
Maggie: I know.
Jason: And Ben's asleep. You won't wake them up now, do you?
Maggie: Aha. Sweetheart, why don't you just start packing up something
Jason: OK, I'll start by putting away your sweater. Hi, honey, what's the matter?
Maggie: Jason, the phone rang seven times and nobody get in to...eight, nine, ten... Jason,
that's twentyseven
rings
Jason :Maybe they are sound in sleep...
Maggie: Twentynine
rings. three people could not say to ...30 rings
Jason: It's only 10 rings a piece. Wait a minute, come on, let me try, OK, maybe you've dialed
the wrong number.
Maggie: A wrong number, you're right, I could have done that. I don't think I did, but if that
I would be better.
Jason: No answer. Yeah, honey, that's only four rings
Maggie: Plus my thirty, Jason, something's wrong. What could it be?
Mike: Well, roast hamburger. All right.
Carol: Mike, do you really think mom and dad would let us have barbecue?
Ben: What's big wow, Carol? We ve had barbecue before.
Carol: Never in the living room.
Ben: It's just got point there.
Mike: Yeah, All right, I'll do it in the kitchen. Hey, how does the thing work anyway? Oh, never
mind, I'll get it.
Ben: Hey, Carol, hand me another glass. Come on, Mike, I warn you might rare.
Carol: Get anything to cover the fire.
Ben: Unbelievable, now I have to start all over again!
Carol: It s too late. It's out of control.
Mike: This is to mean we re out tonight
Jason: Maggie, I think your imagination's got the better of you. Mike will not barbecue our
house.
Maggie: But what's going on? Why won't they answer the phone?
Jason: Why won't we think about this commonly for a minute, ok? We know they won't do
anything crazy. Maybe they just decide to do something together. Something they could all
enjoy.
Mike: Chapter one. My father's family name being Phillip, and my Christian name Phillip. My
infant tongue couldn t make both names nothing longer and more explicit than Pip.
Mike: I'll get it.
Ben: Darn, I was just getting to do it.
Carol: Remember what mom said? Don't open the door to strangers.
Mike: Oh! He s not a stranger. He is somebody we know.
Stranger: Good evening .
Mike: Hi1 How are you! Come on, in.
Stranger: Thank you. Thank you very much. You kids are all alone.
Mike: No problem, sir. Any decision needs to be made? I can handle it.
Stranger: Oh! In that case, I have something very special. I like to show you. All right, hands
up. Over by the couch.
Ben: Unbelievable.
Mike: Do you think that machine gun is gonna make us buy your one stupid Encyclopedia.
Stranger: Shut up! And hold this! Actually, this is a submachinegun
and anyone here tell me
who first developed this weapon in the America? Thomson. This is a Thomson
submachinegun.
Something you might know if you want to site in my Encyclopedias. Oh, your parents couldn t
be bothered. They were too busy laughing at me. You were all laughing at me. The whole
world laughs at me.
Ben: Maybe you could become a comedian.
Stranger: And maybe you, boy, could become a pork chop.
Carol: I need to get the phone?
Stranger: Good idea!
Maggie: Oh! Thanks for showing that with me, Jason. I feel much better now. Who re you
calling?
Jason: Calling Ellen Coolsman. Hello, Ellen, yes, this is Jason Seaver. Yeah, we ve just called
the kids. And there was no answer. So we are just wondering if you could run next door. And
take a look at them. Would you? Ok. Good ,thank you. She s gonna call right back from the
house.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, I knew this was a mistake. We should never ever leave them alone.
Jason: Honey ,there is not panicky. Ok? I still say there is going to be some reasonable
explanation why they were not answering the phone.
Maggie: Yeah. Like?
Jason:Well, like it's not unusual for kids to become a phoneshyer.
Ellen, Yes. What? They are
not there. Where else could they be?
Man: Yeo! Michael, looking good. Yeah, you kids got IDs.
Mike: Yeah, here got them, man.
Man: Carol Seaver, born in 1953. It s good to me. Ben Seaver, army discharge. Numb, ehe?
Ben: Yeah.
Man: How was it?
Ben: It was hell.
Carol: Wahh! Mike, this place s awesome.
Ben: Yeah, how come you didn t bring us here before.
Mike: You know, how old fashion mom and dad are. No matter after the nights so some
dumpers still are starting work yet. En! It's Lash.
Man 2: All right, Seaver. I can always use another bouncer. What about you two? Looking for
work.?
Ben: Yeah! I want to be bartender.
Carol: I could be a waitress.
Man2: You got it, towards.
Woman: Hei! Mike, parts of me are missing parts of you.
Mike: Hei, why not take all of me.
Woman: You are right.
Man3: Hei, body, do me a favour. Keep this for me .
Ben: Sure.
Carol: Please show if there s a bombing maker
Ben: Coming up.
Man3: Hei! Babe, will you spell my life, eh?
Carol: Inscrutable, leave me alone.
Man3: Do me a kiss, just a little kiss. Coming, coming.
Mike: Hei! What did you do?
Man3: You got sot the save tough guy.
Ben: Go ahead, Make Mike dead.
Jason: Well, I'm calling the Hun?? police.
Maggie: 5165555622. Yeah, I m a mother. I m a reporter. I know these things.
Jason: Hello! I reach the police. Yes. This is Jason Seaver, yes Mike's dad. I want to report 3
missing children. And it's been at least 5 minutes. Well, no, it could have been 7, it might be
7 minutes. My wife and I are in Vermont. And we left the kids alone. Yes, with Mike. Well, we
phoned the neighbours. And they went to check the house. The kid weren't there. 15
Robenland. Thank you, yes.
Maggie: Jason, you didn't leave my phone number here.
Jason: No, that's because we are going home.
Maggie: But how does there is a 5 hours ride?
Jason: We fly down and we will go take a cab, ok.? That's where we belong.
Maggie: Did you get we got clothes? Ok. Ok. All right.
Jason: The keys don t fit.
Maggie: You re sure you have the right one?
Jason: Well, what does that look like?
Jason& Maggie: The hotel key!
Ben: What s coming on? I m tired.
Mike: Hush! Someone in the house! Climb out to the street and call someone to recur to it.
Come on. Let s go!
Maggie: Oh, no, Jason, They re really not here. What re we gonna do?
Jason: Check back with the police! Yes! Yes! Please! Thank you very much! The police were
here at 11 o clock and all the kids were here, then!
Maggie: But Jason, they are gone now.
Jason: Oh! I know. They re sending another patrol car over right here.
Police: Freeze!
Jason: Oh, it s quick!
Police: Hands up! Over by the rim.
Jason: Now, you see,
Police: Over there!
Jason: Ok! Ok!
Maggie: But, we re the Seavers, we live here.
Police: The Seaver are in Vermont, lady.
Jason: We flew back! We are them! We re home!
Police: All right! Let s see some Ids, pal!
Jason: It s not a good picture.
Police: All right, Monrol. Why not go outside to get those kids and bring them over here?
Jason: The kids are safe?
Police: Aha! They re fine! Until they heard some pirates downstairs hasn t call the cups.
Mike: They can t be my parents. My parents are in Vermont! I don t believe it!
Maggie: Oh! My baby!
Police: Not so fast! Mike, are these your parents?
Maggie: Er! That is some, er, with cleverest makeup!
Police: Hey! Thanks keeping me running up!
Mike: What are you guys doing here? Wasn t it enough to send the cups by once in the
evening?
Maggie: But Mike we called, and you weren t here.
Mike: You said you wouldn t call until tomorrow!
Jason: But that s not the point, Mike! Where the hell were you!
Mike: These more geologists made a banquet. They made us for deserve!
Ben: And they pull up our vacation sites. They went every week.
Maggie: But we called at ten o clock. But where were you then?
Mike: Norland!
Ben: Something you bear and never mind. If you seem one in the field, you see them all.
Jason: Is that all true Carol?
Carol: Well! Actually, there was as true all than a banquet. That s not about to worry.
Mike: Would you guys think what we would do anyway?
Maggie: Then was how we always never do the certain things to the kids that our parents said
us? Did we just do one of those things to our kids?
Jason: I don t know I was going to handle it pretty well, at the circumstances. Couldn t be a
lot of words? Couldn t be ours watching Rouisanna s vacation s like?
Maggie: Well, I guess we ve turned out to be a pretty normal after all.
Jason: Oh! No! No! Maggie, are we norma?
Maggie: En! Pretty scarcely, isn t it?
Jason: Say is it true two normal parents would go out at three o clock in the morning for a
double dip banana fuss Sunday surprise?
Maggie: I doubt it s.
Jason: You ll be abnormal?
Maggie: Love to!
Jason: Ok! You go! Tell Mike to get up. Im going to warm up the Volvo!
Maggie: Oh! Jason! Jason! There s just one problem.
Jason: what?
Maggie: Our Volvo is in Vermont!
Growing Pains 106 Mike's Madonna Friend V2.0
Carol: She's definitely a Wendy.
Jason: Uh uh, he's clearly a Sam.
Carol: Dad I think I know my own friend; she's a Wendy.
Jason: Carol I went to medical school ok? So I think I can settle this...that's a Wendy.
Maggie: What are you two doing?
Carol: Oh it's an experiment I've been talking to Wendy here and giving what's its name silent
treatment and we will see which one grows faster.
Jason: And the winner becomes tonight's salad.
Carol: Dad!
Ben: It's a girl here for Mike.
Maggie: Ben did you just leave her standing outside?
Ben: She's a girl mum what would you want me to do? Let her in?
Jason: Sounds like you have some pretty strong feelings about girls...
Ben: Ah no I just don't like 'em.
Maggie: Well Ben when a friend comes to the door you should let them....in.
Why Hello.
Lisa: Hi.
Is Mike home?
Maggie: Possibly...quite possibly. Let me check.
Jason: Maggie.
Maggie: Oh.
Please come in.
Lisa: Thanks.
Maggie: Uh would you like to have a seat?
I'm Maggie, Mike's mother. This is Jason. Ben. Carol. And you are?
Lisa: Lisa. I'm Mike's...like friend
Jason: You've got to forgive him he doesn't like girls.
Lisa: Well I actually like. Don't consider myself a girl, I consider myself a woman.
Maggie: And rightly so I'm sure. I'll call Mike: Mike. Oh I'm sorry he doesn't seem to be here.
Jason: I guess he doesn't like girls either.
Lisa: Aha we'll see about that.
Jason: So Lisa. Dip? No.
Mike: Hey hey Lisa what a surprise.
Lisa: I was just in the neighborhood breaking up with my old boyfriend.
Mike: Oh yeah!
Lisa: Yeah. He was just too immature.
Maggie: Was he younger than you?
Lisa: No he was 27.
Mike: What an amazing coincidence 'cos I was just up on the phone to break up with my old
girlfriend; She was 43.
Carol: Yeah dog years maybe.
Mike: Uh you guys haven't seen uncle Steven in a while why don't you take a walk by his place.
Jason: Mike your uncle Steve's in Conneticut.
Mike: So?
Jason: And he's dead.
Mike: Shouldn't you guys go have a snack.
Jason: Right. ok...alright come on you guys. Lisa very nice to meet you.
Lisa: You too.
Jason: Come on.
Lisa: See you Maggie. You don't mind if I call you Maggie do you?
Maggie: Naah.
Carol: God dad can you believe the top that girl's wearing?
Jason: I didn't notice.
Carol: Oh come on dad she might as well have had no shirt on at all.
Jason: Yeah well all things considered I'm glad she didn't choose to go that route.
Ben: Me too. Err.
Maggie: Carol why don't you take Ben and go outside.
Carol: Why?
Maggie: Because I need to talk to your father.
Carol: About Mike's friend with the major league yabbas.
Maggie: Out both of you.
Carol: What are we supposed to do outside?
Maggie: I don't care talk to the lawn.
Jason: No it needs mowing as it is.
Jason: Did you see the top that girl was wearing?
Maggie: Jason she's a tramp.
Jason: Oh come on Maggie.. now I mean I admit she doesn't dress with a lot of...
Maggie: Clothing.
Jason: Taste. But we don't know anything about the girl.
Maggie: Jason she was going out with a 27 year old.
Jason: Oh that makes her a tramp. Maybe they shared the same interests.
Maggie: That makes her tramp.
Jason: Maggie.
Maggie: Jason she doesn't even giggle the way a fifteen year old's supposed to giggle.
Jason: Wow I'll call the national guard.
Maggie: You know what I mean; when a fifteen year old girl comes to my door asking for my
son she should feel awkward and uncomfortable; but with this girl I feel awkward and
uncomfortable.
Jason: See, she giggles.
Maggie: Sorry, my mistake.
Mike: So...ah do you think you guys could err, leave?
Maggie: Why?
Mike: So we can have some juice.
You mean you can't have juice with us in the room.
Fine, fine, but I don't know why you guys bought a house with nine rooms if you're not gonna
use them.
Jason: Subtle Mike.
Lisa: So anyway when I told Ed I was breaking up with him he like cried: So pathetic!
Mike: Yeah that is pathetic. I like never cry.
Mike: Well once when a car ran over my foot on the highway.
Lisa: You're like so cute Mike.
Mike: Uh..what can I say yeah I'm cute, I'm damn cute.
Lisa: Plus Ed was like super possessive I mean he like got upset because i went camping with
Phil Crawley, who's like just a friend basically.
Maggie: Basically?
Mike: Mum!
Maggie: I'm sorry. Lisa, so how did you parents feel about you going out with a 27 year old?
Lisa: Oh like my mother she was bummed.
Maggie: Really?
Lisa: Well I think she wanted to go out with him.
Maggie: Well I take it you parents are no longer together then.
Lisa: What makes you say that?
Maggie: Nothing. Never mind.
Lisa: So like anyway Mike you wanna do something tonight?
Mike: Uh well I did just end a very special relationship but I think i've moped around about
that long enough.
Maggie: Ah ah Mike don't forget that your father and I are going out with the cusman's
tonight and you have to babysit ben and carol
Mike: Can't we get a sitter?
Maggie: On this short notice, not one without an axe.
Mike: So. Rentakill are quick on their feet.
Jason: Mike!
Mike: Ok ok.
Lisa: Hey Mike maybe I could like come over here tonight.
Mike: Yeah that'd be....
Maggie: Probably a very boring way for Lisa to spend the Saturday night....
Lisa: No won't be boring Maggie. I just love babysitting.
Maggie: Aha.
Mike: What a woman hah mum?
Maggie: You bet ya.
Ben: You are the ugliest plant alive. Carol told me privately that she hates you.
Maggie: Ben what are you doing?
Ben: Uh uh nothing mum.
Jason: Ok, all set.
Maggie: So did you talk to him?
Jason: Yeah.
Maggie: Well what did you say?
Jason: Well pretty much what you and I discussed.
Maggie: like what, specificly.
Jason: Well you know it's one of those fatherson
talks.
Maggie: Aha forgive me jason I have never had one of those fatherson
talks. What did you
say?
Jason: Ah well that's where I say "ah how are you doing son?", he says "pretty good dad", I
say "is that wax in your hair, or wet look gel?"...
Maggie: Jason get to the good part.
Jason: Honey I just told him that in general that I think it's better to start slowly with the
relationship, to get to know somebody, to get a...
Maggie: Medical report.
Jason: That too yep.
Maggie: So well what do you think they'll do tonight?
Jason: Well they'll probably watch tv.
Maggie: Ah Jason what if they don't watch tv. I mean he's only 15 he's too young to not watch
tv.
Jason:Well if two teenagers kids want to get together and not watch tv they gonna find a way
to do it.
Maggie: I'm tired let's stay home.
Jason: Maggie.
Maggie: I want to watch "The loveboat".
Jason: Bob and Ellan are picking us up in three minutes.
Maggie: Are you sure we shouldn't stay home?
Jason: You know what you have to remember is that no matter where we are there's always
that little voice inside Mike's head saying "Mike this is your mother speaking"
and that's when Mike says "mum, what are you doing here?" And the little voice says "I just
want to remind you of it I love you and I always love you even if you break my heart by
touching that girl somewhere
Maggie: Ok ok ok so you are saying I've already saddled him with enough guilt to cripple him
for a life.
Jason: No no I'm just I'm saying that he knows our values and he knows that we care about
him and I know that he will consider that any time he makes one of life's big decisions."
Maggie: I hope you're right.
Jason we're not leaving this house.
Jason: Maggie the Cusmans are here let's just go.
Maggie: To hell with the Cusmans.
Bob: Come on guys let's go
Jason: Do you want to go out there and tell Bob and Ellan that we can't leave our house
because there's a girl in it?
Maggie: Why not? Would you leave Carol in there with a boy who just looks like a fellow off an
xrated
wedding cake. This is a double standard
Bob: Nobody said life was fair Maggie, let's go.
Jason: Honey I know what you are feeling but we should not try to make this decision for Mike
and no matter what happens he's gonna live through it.
Maggie: That's comforting.
Bob: It's ok, I saw her walk up. At least he'll die happy.
Maggie: I hate the Cusmans.
Film: You know how long I've waited for this, for the opportunity to do this this is an incredible
opportunity for me to do I've always...
shut up and hold me!
My god you have so many places to hold!
Just pick one.
Maggie: This movie happens to be very dull.
Jason: Maggie mike's gonna be just fine.
Maggie: There's no story, no character, just a lot of gratuitous sex, for it to boost ticket sales.
Film viewer: We know, sit down.
Jason: Maggie.
Maggie: How are theatre owners gonna know how we feel about this garbage if we just sit
through it.
Film viewers: Or stand through it in your case.
Maggie: Oh can it will you.
Jason: Maggie let's just watch the movie ok.
Film veiwer: People like you should stay home and watch the Loveboat.
Mike: Well uh this is the guest room that about raps up the tour of the house. let's go back
downstairs and we can watch TV or something
Lisa: Stay here. It's like nice.
Mike: Here? uh what will we do here? I mean the TV downstairs much more....
Lisa: Any idea about what you're doing to me?
Mike: ah well you know I was just trying to make my top lip match up roughly with you your...
Lisa: I mean inside.
Mike: Oh inside ah...well you know ah, I find it's always so hard to say with someone else
feels inside, and ah my dad who is a psychiatrist he says that ah no to people necessarily
have to feel the exact same inside and...
Lisa: I feel all steamy and tingly.
Mike: Ah I don't specifically remember he mentioning steamy and tingly, I'll, er, have to ask
him about that. oh ha how about that study's test last Friday.
Lisa: Mike I just've got like a funny idea.
Mike: Fu...funnier than this?
Lisa: No I mean it just occurred to me this is gonna be the first time you've like done it.
Mike: Ahahah Lisa Lisa Lisa Lisa hahahahah no no no I'm sorry life just solo rips?. No I'm not
a virgin Lisa, no not this cowboy.
Lisa: That's a relief 'cos believe it or not, there are guys out there our age who've never done
it.
Mike: Yeah, rejects and nerds.
Lisa: Really? So... where were we...
Mike: Uh I'm not sure...now I remember.
Carol: Did.
Ben: Did not.
Carol: Did too.
Ben: Did not.
Carol: I know you did something to her.
Ben: Did not.
Carol: Ben why don't you just admit you killed Wendy and then I'll kill you and we'll both feel
a lot better about the whole thing???
Ben: No.
Carol: You're a killer and you know it.
Jason: Hey wait hold it, both of you neutral corners.
Carol: Dad the plant I was talking to is dead.
Jason: Well that does not bode well for the rest of the family does it?
Carol: Dad Ben killed Wendy.
Ben: I did not. Stop saying that.
Jason: Now Ben your sister's not just one to make these things up. You look at me squarely
in the eye and you tell me the truth, and not another word will be said about it. Ok?
Jason: Ben did you kill Wendy?
Ben: No.
Jason: Ok.
Ben: Not exactly.
Carol: Uha!
Ben: I..I..I...said a mean thing to her and a leaf fell off but I tried to save her I swear I tried
to save her. How exactly did you try to save her Ben?
Ben: How do you think plant stuff?
Carol: Oh oh my god ben did you put the whole bottle on my plant?
Ben: See I told you I tried to save her.
Jason: Mix one capful of "mighty plant stuff" with 8 gallons of water.
Ben: What does that mean?
Jason: Five to ten in the green house.
Maggie: Kids where's your brother?
Carol: Oh you mean Mr. Testosterone, I think he's in the kitchen.
Maggie: Hey mike.
Mike: Mum.
Maggie: Where's Lisa?
Mike: How should I know.
Maggie: Well did you two uh have a good time together?
Mike: Sure.
Maggie: Oh what did you do?
Mike: We hung out.
Maggie: Did you ah watch any tv?
Mike: No.
Maggie: Oh what's that are you reading?
Mike: "wind surfer".
Maggie: Good issue?
Mike: Not that different from the last eleven issues.
Maggie: Are you feeling ok?
Mike: Yeah great.
Maggie: Good.
Maggie: So Lisa seems like a very interesting girl.
Mike: Yeah. What's that mean?
Maggie: What's what mean?
Mike: I said she seems like an interesting girl then you said yeah what does that mean?
Guess I just mean she's a interesting girl.
Maggie: So did you guys play any uh ball games?
Mike: Nothing happened ok mum. She wanted to sleep with me but I didn't do it. I'm probably
gay are you happy now?
Maggie: Mike!
Mike: What?
Maggie: I'm pretty sure you are not gay.
Mike: Ah I guess that was a long shot, heh?
Maggie: You know Mike there's nothing wrong with you choosing not to sleep with somebody.
I mean you can even wait for someone you love. People do it all the time
Mike: Come on mum it sounds like I did some big noble thing here; I just wimped out.
Maggie: Ok ok so you wimped out, but think about it for a minute what did you really wimp
out of? Let me rephrase that: Do you care about Lisa, I mean do you care about what she
feels or thinks or if she's happy or sad.. Do you really care about what happens to her?
Mike: Well I wouldn't want to see her get hit by a truck.
Maggie: And do you think she cares about you?
Mike: Yeah in the same kind of way.
Maggie: So you wimped out of sharing something very special with someone who...well
whose face you wouldn't want to see on the grill of an 18 wheeler.
Mike: Yeah I guess I see what you mean. But Lisa...there was something about her mum,
she's got....
Maggie: Major league yabbos.
Mike: Well in a nutshell, yeah.
Maggie: Oh Lisa is a great looking girl Mike but there are other great looking girls out there
who also happen to be warm, caring people.
Mike: Really?
Maggie: And you're gonna find one, and when the right girl and the right time comes along I
think you'll be feeling anything but wimpy.
Mike: Yeah maybe you're right.
Maggie: And you'll be a little scared at first, but trust me you'll find a way to overcome it; your
father did ???
Mike: Dad. Oh so I guess you are saying that he waited for the right girl..
Maggie: I guess you could say that. I met her, she was very nice.
Jason: Hey are you ok?
Mike: Yeah fine dad really.
Jason: ok mike sleep tight huh.
Jason: Uh uh, he's clearly a Sam.
Carol: Dad I think I know my own friend; she's a Wendy.
Jason: Carol I went to medical school ok? So I think I can settle this...that's a Wendy.
Maggie: What are you two doing?
Carol: Oh it's an experiment I've been talking to Wendy here and giving what's its name silent
treatment and we will see which one grows faster.
Jason: And the winner becomes tonight's salad.
Carol: Dad!
Ben: It's a girl here for Mike.
Maggie: Ben did you just leave her standing outside?
Ben: She's a girl mum what would you want me to do? Let her in?
Jason: Sounds like you have some pretty strong feelings about girls...
Ben: Ah no I just don't like 'em.
Maggie: Well Ben when a friend comes to the door you should let them....in.
Why Hello.
Lisa: Hi.
Is Mike home?
Maggie: Possibly...quite possibly. Let me check.
Jason: Maggie.
Maggie: Oh.
Please come in.
Lisa: Thanks.
Maggie: Uh would you like to have a seat?
I'm Maggie, Mike's mother. This is Jason. Ben. Carol. And you are?
Lisa: Lisa. I'm Mike's...like friend
Jason: You've got to forgive him he doesn't like girls.
Lisa: Well I actually like. Don't consider myself a girl, I consider myself a woman.
Maggie: And rightly so I'm sure. I'll call Mike: Mike. Oh I'm sorry he doesn't seem to be here.
Jason: I guess he doesn't like girls either.
Lisa: Aha we'll see about that.
Jason: So Lisa. Dip? No.
Mike: Hey hey Lisa what a surprise.
Lisa: I was just in the neighborhood breaking up with my old boyfriend.
Mike: Oh yeah!
Lisa: Yeah. He was just too immature.
Maggie: Was he younger than you?
Lisa: No he was 27.
Mike: What an amazing coincidence 'cos I was just up on the phone to break up with my old
girlfriend; She was 43.
Carol: Yeah dog years maybe.
Mike: Uh you guys haven't seen uncle Steven in a while why don't you take a walk by his place.
Jason: Mike your uncle Steve's in Conneticut.
Mike: So?
Jason: And he's dead.
Mike: Shouldn't you guys go have a snack.
Jason: Right. ok...alright come on you guys. Lisa very nice to meet you.
Lisa: You too.
Jason: Come on.
Lisa: See you Maggie. You don't mind if I call you Maggie do you?
Maggie: Naah.
Carol: God dad can you believe the top that girl's wearing?
Jason: I didn't notice.
Carol: Oh come on dad she might as well have had no shirt on at all.
Jason: Yeah well all things considered I'm glad she didn't choose to go that route.
Ben: Me too. Err.
Maggie: Carol why don't you take Ben and go outside.
Carol: Why?
Maggie: Because I need to talk to your father.
Carol: About Mike's friend with the major league yabbas.
Maggie: Out both of you.
Carol: What are we supposed to do outside?
Maggie: I don't care talk to the lawn.
Jason: No it needs mowing as it is.
Jason: Did you see the top that girl was wearing?
Maggie: Jason she's a tramp.
Jason: Oh come on Maggie.. now I mean I admit she doesn't dress with a lot of...
Maggie: Clothing.
Jason: Taste. But we don't know anything about the girl.
Maggie: Jason she was going out with a 27 year old.
Jason: Oh that makes her a tramp. Maybe they shared the same interests.
Maggie: That makes her tramp.
Jason: Maggie.
Maggie: Jason she doesn't even giggle the way a fifteen year old's supposed to giggle.
Jason: Wow I'll call the national guard.
Maggie: You know what I mean; when a fifteen year old girl comes to my door asking for my
son she should feel awkward and uncomfortable; but with this girl I feel awkward and
uncomfortable.
Jason: See, she giggles.
Maggie: Sorry, my mistake.
Mike: So...ah do you think you guys could err, leave?
Maggie: Why?
Mike: So we can have some juice.
You mean you can't have juice with us in the room.
Fine, fine, but I don't know why you guys bought a house with nine rooms if you're not gonna
use them.
Jason: Subtle Mike.
Lisa: So anyway when I told Ed I was breaking up with him he like cried: So pathetic!
Mike: Yeah that is pathetic. I like never cry.
Mike: Well once when a car ran over my foot on the highway.
Lisa: You're like so cute Mike.
Mike: Uh..what can I say yeah I'm cute, I'm damn cute.
Lisa: Plus Ed was like super possessive I mean he like got upset because i went camping with
Phil Crawley, who's like just a friend basically.
Maggie: Basically?
Mike: Mum!
Maggie: I'm sorry. Lisa, so how did you parents feel about you going out with a 27 year old?
Lisa: Oh like my mother she was bummed.
Maggie: Really?
Lisa: Well I think she wanted to go out with him.
Maggie: Well I take it you parents are no longer together then.
Lisa: What makes you say that?
Maggie: Nothing. Never mind.
Lisa: So like anyway Mike you wanna do something tonight?
Mike: Uh well I did just end a very special relationship but I think i've moped around about
that long enough.
Maggie: Ah ah Mike don't forget that your father and I are going out with the cusman's
tonight and you have to babysit ben and carol
Mike: Can't we get a sitter?
Maggie: On this short notice, not one without an axe.
Mike: So. Rentakill are quick on their feet.
Jason: Mike!
Mike: Ok ok.
Lisa: Hey Mike maybe I could like come over here tonight.
Mike: Yeah that'd be....
Maggie: Probably a very boring way for Lisa to spend the Saturday night....
Lisa: No won't be boring Maggie. I just love babysitting.
Maggie: Aha.
Mike: What a woman hah mum?
Maggie: You bet ya.
Ben: You are the ugliest plant alive. Carol told me privately that she hates you.
Maggie: Ben what are you doing?
Ben: Uh uh nothing mum.
Jason: Ok, all set.
Maggie: So did you talk to him?
Jason: Yeah.
Maggie: Well what did you say?
Jason: Well pretty much what you and I discussed.
Maggie: like what, specificly.
Jason: Well you know it's one of those fatherson
talks.
Maggie: Aha forgive me jason I have never had one of those fatherson
talks. What did you
say?
Jason: Ah well that's where I say "ah how are you doing son?", he says "pretty good dad", I
say "is that wax in your hair, or wet look gel?"...
Maggie: Jason get to the good part.
Jason: Honey I just told him that in general that I think it's better to start slowly with the
relationship, to get to know somebody, to get a...
Maggie: Medical report.
Jason: That too yep.
Maggie: So well what do you think they'll do tonight?
Jason: Well they'll probably watch tv.
Maggie: Ah Jason what if they don't watch tv. I mean he's only 15 he's too young to not watch
tv.
Jason:Well if two teenagers kids want to get together and not watch tv they gonna find a way
to do it.
Maggie: I'm tired let's stay home.
Jason: Maggie.
Maggie: I want to watch "The loveboat".
Jason: Bob and Ellan are picking us up in three minutes.
Maggie: Are you sure we shouldn't stay home?
Jason: You know what you have to remember is that no matter where we are there's always
that little voice inside Mike's head saying "Mike this is your mother speaking"
and that's when Mike says "mum, what are you doing here?" And the little voice says "I just
want to remind you of it I love you and I always love you even if you break my heart by
touching that girl somewhere
Maggie: Ok ok ok so you are saying I've already saddled him with enough guilt to cripple him
for a life.
Jason: No no I'm just I'm saying that he knows our values and he knows that we care about
him and I know that he will consider that any time he makes one of life's big decisions."
Maggie: I hope you're right.
Jason we're not leaving this house.
Jason: Maggie the Cusmans are here let's just go.
Maggie: To hell with the Cusmans.
Bob: Come on guys let's go
Jason: Do you want to go out there and tell Bob and Ellan that we can't leave our house
because there's a girl in it?
Maggie: Why not? Would you leave Carol in there with a boy who just looks like a fellow off an
xrated
wedding cake. This is a double standard
Bob: Nobody said life was fair Maggie, let's go.
Jason: Honey I know what you are feeling but we should not try to make this decision for Mike
and no matter what happens he's gonna live through it.
Maggie: That's comforting.
Bob: It's ok, I saw her walk up. At least he'll die happy.
Maggie: I hate the Cusmans.
Film: You know how long I've waited for this, for the opportunity to do this this is an incredible
opportunity for me to do I've always...
shut up and hold me!
My god you have so many places to hold!
Just pick one.
Maggie: This movie happens to be very dull.
Jason: Maggie mike's gonna be just fine.
Maggie: There's no story, no character, just a lot of gratuitous sex, for it to boost ticket sales.
Film viewer: We know, sit down.
Jason: Maggie.
Maggie: How are theatre owners gonna know how we feel about this garbage if we just sit
through it.
Film viewers: Or stand through it in your case.
Maggie: Oh can it will you.
Jason: Maggie let's just watch the movie ok.
Film veiwer: People like you should stay home and watch the Loveboat.
Mike: Well uh this is the guest room that about raps up the tour of the house. let's go back
downstairs and we can watch TV or something
Lisa: Stay here. It's like nice.
Mike: Here? uh what will we do here? I mean the TV downstairs much more....
Lisa: Any idea about what you're doing to me?
Mike: ah well you know I was just trying to make my top lip match up roughly with you your...
Lisa: I mean inside.
Mike: Oh inside ah...well you know ah, I find it's always so hard to say with someone else
feels inside, and ah my dad who is a psychiatrist he says that ah no to people necessarily
have to feel the exact same inside and...
Lisa: I feel all steamy and tingly.
Mike: Ah I don't specifically remember he mentioning steamy and tingly, I'll, er, have to ask
him about that. oh ha how about that study's test last Friday.
Lisa: Mike I just've got like a funny idea.
Mike: Fu...funnier than this?
Lisa: No I mean it just occurred to me this is gonna be the first time you've like done it.
Mike: Ahahah Lisa Lisa Lisa Lisa hahahahah no no no I'm sorry life just solo rips?. No I'm not
a virgin Lisa, no not this cowboy.
Lisa: That's a relief 'cos believe it or not, there are guys out there our age who've never done
it.
Mike: Yeah, rejects and nerds.
Lisa: Really? So... where were we...
Mike: Uh I'm not sure...now I remember.
Carol: Did.
Ben: Did not.
Carol: Did too.
Ben: Did not.
Carol: I know you did something to her.
Ben: Did not.
Carol: Ben why don't you just admit you killed Wendy and then I'll kill you and we'll both feel
a lot better about the whole thing???
Ben: No.
Carol: You're a killer and you know it.
Jason: Hey wait hold it, both of you neutral corners.
Carol: Dad the plant I was talking to is dead.
Jason: Well that does not bode well for the rest of the family does it?
Carol: Dad Ben killed Wendy.
Ben: I did not. Stop saying that.
Jason: Now Ben your sister's not just one to make these things up. You look at me squarely
in the eye and you tell me the truth, and not another word will be said about it. Ok?
Jason: Ben did you kill Wendy?
Ben: No.
Jason: Ok.
Ben: Not exactly.
Carol: Uha!
Ben: I..I..I...said a mean thing to her and a leaf fell off but I tried to save her I swear I tried
to save her. How exactly did you try to save her Ben?
Ben: How do you think plant stuff?
Carol: Oh oh my god ben did you put the whole bottle on my plant?
Ben: See I told you I tried to save her.
Jason: Mix one capful of "mighty plant stuff" with 8 gallons of water.
Ben: What does that mean?
Jason: Five to ten in the green house.
Maggie: Kids where's your brother?
Carol: Oh you mean Mr. Testosterone, I think he's in the kitchen.
Maggie: Hey mike.
Mike: Mum.
Maggie: Where's Lisa?
Mike: How should I know.
Maggie: Well did you two uh have a good time together?
Mike: Sure.
Maggie: Oh what did you do?
Mike: We hung out.
Maggie: Did you ah watch any tv?
Mike: No.
Maggie: Oh what's that are you reading?
Mike: "wind surfer".
Maggie: Good issue?
Mike: Not that different from the last eleven issues.
Maggie: Are you feeling ok?
Mike: Yeah great.
Maggie: Good.
Maggie: So Lisa seems like a very interesting girl.
Mike: Yeah. What's that mean?
Maggie: What's what mean?
Mike: I said she seems like an interesting girl then you said yeah what does that mean?
Guess I just mean she's a interesting girl.
Maggie: So did you guys play any uh ball games?
Mike: Nothing happened ok mum. She wanted to sleep with me but I didn't do it. I'm probably
gay are you happy now?
Maggie: Mike!
Mike: What?
Maggie: I'm pretty sure you are not gay.
Mike: Ah I guess that was a long shot, heh?
Maggie: You know Mike there's nothing wrong with you choosing not to sleep with somebody.
I mean you can even wait for someone you love. People do it all the time
Mike: Come on mum it sounds like I did some big noble thing here; I just wimped out.
Maggie: Ok ok so you wimped out, but think about it for a minute what did you really wimp
out of? Let me rephrase that: Do you care about Lisa, I mean do you care about what she
feels or thinks or if she's happy or sad.. Do you really care about what happens to her?
Mike: Well I wouldn't want to see her get hit by a truck.
Maggie: And do you think she cares about you?
Mike: Yeah in the same kind of way.
Maggie: So you wimped out of sharing something very special with someone who...well
whose face you wouldn't want to see on the grill of an 18 wheeler.
Mike: Yeah I guess I see what you mean. But Lisa...there was something about her mum,
she's got....
Maggie: Major league yabbos.
Mike: Well in a nutshell, yeah.
Maggie: Oh Lisa is a great looking girl Mike but there are other great looking girls out there
who also happen to be warm, caring people.
Mike: Really?
Maggie: And you're gonna find one, and when the right girl and the right time comes along I
think you'll be feeling anything but wimpy.
Mike: Yeah maybe you're right.
Maggie: And you'll be a little scared at first, but trust me you'll find a way to overcome it; your
father did ???
Mike: Dad. Oh so I guess you are saying that he waited for the right girl..
Maggie: I guess you could say that. I met her, she was very nice.
Jason: Hey are you ok?
Mike: Yeah fine dad really.
Jason: ok mike sleep tight huh.
Growing Pains 105
Ben: Dad.
Jason: Mike,Mike,get the animal out of here.
Mike:come on dad,stuart was not ***,it was peppy.
Jason: Mike,Animals who live off human toes are not peppy.
Mike:This is great.you know.I'm trying to do a great deal for the neighbor who is out of town.now you guys can't do this complain
Ben: How come you only do good deal for neighbor walks like this
Mike: Ben there's a phrase one good turn deserves another.mean any thing to you?
Jason: Mike there's a phrase get that dog out of here before I punt it to the greenhouse.mean any thing to you?
Jason: Hi, Carol!
Carol: Hi!
Jason: What's the matter Carol?
Carol: I can't find the peanut butter
when is mum coming home?
Jason: Usual time
Carol:Can i call her at work?
Jason:of course you can ,sweetheart,if it's important
Carol: Yes,maggic seaver there,please? ... could you tell her to call Carol when she gets back it's really important...ok thanks bye
Jason: Something you want to talk to me about?
Carol: I don't know
Jason: Want me to leave you alone?
Carol:I don't know
Jason: Do you want me to stick large *** vegetables in my ears and play the accordion? Hey come on remember what we used to do when you were just a little girl and you had a problem i *** over here spinning around and *** like that?so we can have a face to face chat?
Carol: yeah!
Jason: It doesn't work any more.come on ,talk to me.
Carol:Today was the last day of the german club gummy bear selling.*** that was my last *** chance to get kevin to notice me before the dance tomorrow night and kevin's friend mark was coming up to get a gummy and melissa said she heard mark said he said
Jason: Wait wait who said?
Carol:kevin said
Jason: Said what?
Carol:Said said i look like a gummy bear
Jason: well honey i'm sure he meant it in a nice way
Carol:*** dad I mean the boy thinks i look like a bear i'm just ugly
Jason: You do not like a bear.but if you walk around thinking that you look ugly then you can end up looking like this.look.can you see it ***.now if you walking around know you're pretty,because you are ,then you gotta feel better.you are looking like this.what do you think?
Carol: I think it's more important what kevin thinks.
Jason: Ok but did you actually hear kevin say that he thought you look like a gummy bear?
Carol: No, but melissa said she heard he said it
Jason: why do you believe everything melissa said she heard
Carol: Well she does make me wonder sometimes i mean she swore she saw %someone's and some shop's name% last week
Jason: well they did have that big sale on home furnishings
Carol: Dad
Jason: Come on. I just think that you should take your *** about what kevin thinks fromwhat kevin says himself.
Carol: Yeah you're right i need new ice skates
Jason: Did i miss something?
Carol: well everybody's gonna be at skating rink tomorrow night and i can ski by kevin and see if he says anything to me
Jason: Tomorrow morning you and i go down to %name of a shop% and we buy a brand new pair of skates who knows maybe we'll ***run into *** in small***
Carol: Thanks dad
Maggie: Carol, Carol.
Jason: I'm here mum. ***
Maggie: Hi sweetheart where's Carol? i got a message she wants to talk to me
Jason: she's over the %someone's name%'s
Maggie: Ah!
Jason: How was your day?
Maggie: Oh another last minute rewrite i never type so fast in my life my fingers are still ***ing
Jason: oh don't be wasting those *** fingers and try to *** below the shoulder ***
Maggie: Oh Jason.
Jason: Perfect thank you
Maggie: So what did Carol want to talk about Jim said she sounds very upset
Jason: yes well it seems she has reasons to believe that kevin thought that she looks like a gummy bear.
Maggie: kevin? the one in the german club?
Jason: My dear the *** of the German club
Maggie: oh no she's had a crush on him since
Jason: Yeah since the october %a name% party
Maggie:wow kids must be *** eh i'll talk to her when she get home
Jason: But she's fine now
Maggie: she is?
Jason: Yeah we've talked it over ***
Maggie: You did?
Jason: I did
Maggie: Honey you don't have to say that *** i won't feel guilty
Jason: oh no Maggie we've talked the whole thing over through and through inside enough. we cried we laughed we hugged we closed with a song
Maggie: That's good that's good Jason, but if you don't mind i think i'll talk to her just the same.
Jason: she's fine Maggie
Maggie: Honey she always says she's fine now when she coming home?
Jason: You don't think I can hold up *** the bargain, do you?
Maggie: Oh, Jason what bargain.
Jason: Oh, come on the bargain were you go back to work and i stay here and take care the kids
Maggie:Oh Jason.
Jason: Nah you don't think that i can handle it do you
Maggie: Jason it's not that i don't think that you can handle it. It's ...
Jason: No,no,no. I happen to be a highly skilled professional consultant
Maggie: Oh, Jason
Jason: Who once talked to a man down from the shark ***
Maggie: Aha.
Jason: No,no,no. I mean because I was the guy who predicted two weeks before the police caught son of sam that he would turn out to be an ugly male man from new *** and talk to his neighbor's dog.
Maggie: Jason, it's not that I don't think that you are a wonderful psychiatrist but you're just not a mother.
Jason: Well that's fine with me because this *** is killing me
Mike: Ben, where's mum and dad?
Ben: Hey, Mike! what's hide from mum?
Mike: sh.....me hide something from my beloved mother and father?
Ben: oh no *** another one. Will it bite me?
Mike: What's the matter Ben are you *** stuart?
Ben: Mike, Stuart is black.
Mike: So.
Ben: This dog is white.
Mike: So!
Ben: So I think that's a noticeable difference.
Mike: Ben you gotta help me. Stuart ran away.
Ben: Wendy's planing to kill you
Mike: No she doesn't find out.
Ben: Mike, even one of your girlfriend has a sharp eye at remembering the color of her own dog.
Mike:That's ok with Wendy you just make sure mum and dad won't find out.
Maggie: Hi guys, what's this?
Ben" What dog?
Maggie: Who said anything about the dog?
Ben: Not me.
Carol: Hi mum.
Maggie: Hi, sweetheart, how are you?
Carol:Fine, great, just in time for my show!
Maggie: Oh I got your message and would've called you back but I was out of the office all day.
Carol: Oh that's ok mum. Look at this guy
Maggie: What is this?
Carol: It's sturgeons of %a name% street
Maggie: Why's the *** floors?
Carol: Their family dog died they *** to tell the grandma
Maggie: Oh, so honey you wanna talk about what happend at school the day? Carol?
Carol: Aha, mum, what did you say?
Maggie: Oh, you must be very upset about what kevin said . laughters
Maggie: Oh good commercial so let's talk. What's with this kevin anyway.
Carol: Alright i've talked everything through with dad
Maggie: I know that, but I thought maybe a woman to woman talk.
Carol: No, really, mum I'm fine.
Maggie: You are! Are you sure? Honey, you don't have say that just so that i won't feel guilty.
Carol: No, I swear it's ok mum you know I thought I wasn't gonna like it when you went back to work but it's really *** having dad at home now
Maggie: great it's great
Carol: Hey does wacky sturgeons on yet? Ah, come on dad sit in the middle. eh can you move off a little mum.
Maggie: Yes.
Jason: You gonna love this.
Maggie: Oh!
Wendy: Hi, it's Wendy!
Jason: Hi! Wendy, come on in.How are you doing ?
Wendy: Fine!
Jason: How was your vacation?
Wendy: Oh, it's great first we went to Europe and then we went to France.
Jason: Yes, well, you must have quite a travel agency. Mike, Wendy's here.
Wendy: I hope stuart wasn't too much trouble for you.
Jason: Stuart no no what we started feeded it the neighbor's childrens' we hardly knew he was here.
Mike: Hi Wendy .
Wendy: Hi, Mike hi %call the dog%
Mike: Wow it looks glad to see you, Wendy.
Ben: That does look like Stuart, doesn't it? Same color and everything.
Mike: Oh yes Wendy want *** you and stuart home come on stuart come on yeah that's it yeah good dog come on. Just look at it Wendy, I mean, he was so excited about you coming home last night he didn't sleep *** now of course it is exhaust.
Wendy: Oh...
Jason: Ben.
Ben: Yeah, dad?
Jason: What did Mike do to Stuart?
Ben: The truth,dad?
Jason: Yeah Ben.
Ben: Mike didn't do anything to stuart, bye.
Maggie: Hi, sweetheart.
Jason: Hello!
Maggie: Where's Carol?
Jason: I don't know. Are we going on vacation here?
Maggie: No, no, I just thought I take Carol onto the city for the day *** to a couple of art galleries *** to tab on the green for lunch then maybe *** zoo
Jason: Yeah.
Maggie: I know, Carol must be dying to see that %animal name% from Detroit.
Jason: Those thing come from Detroit?
Maggie: Anyway I thought we had time
Jason: Listen, sweetheart does Carol know all about this?
Maggie: No, why?
Jason: Well it's just Carol and I were planning to go shopping together the day for a new pair of skates.
Maggie: Oh.
Jason: I think it's important to her well you know kevin and other kids are going skating this afternoon.
Maggie: Oh.
Jason: And you know the big dance is tonight.
Maggie: No.
Jason: Oh yes.
Maggie: No I didn't realize that.
Jason: En.
Maggie:But that's more your *** now well honey you two have a good time.
Jason: Maggie wanna come with us?
Maggie: Oh, no. I just be in the way.
Jason: No,no. Don't be ridiculous.
Maggie: No. No. I can have fun here really. I'll just do the laundry maybe clean a few toilets.
Jason: Does it bother you that Carol and I have plans together ?
Maggie: No, no. I think it's great I mean sure she didn't have time to talk to me last night and she doesn't have time to be with me the day but I love seeing the two of you together you're her father she's your daughter you father and daughter you should do things together your father and daughter things I'm very happy for this.
Jason: Maggie, you know when Carol came from school yesterday all upset she really wanted to talk to you.
Maggie:En.
Jason: Oh yes it was like pulling teeth to get it opened up to old dad
Maggie: Yeah.
Jason: She still need her mother, you know.
Maggie: Sometimes I don't feel like it.
Jason: Oh, she does and you still are the *** in the family
Maggie: Yeah?
Jason: Very nice!
Maggie: Hah. So you are saying that I'm overacting a bit
Jason: No, no, I'm saying you are overacting a lot.
Mike: Dad i'm telling you she's to face that stuart going through people change dogs change but did you ever read %bookname% Wendy! *** how is it going? stuart *** fellow.
Wendy: Mike this isn't stuart.
Mike: Wendy Wendy Wendy, who would this be if this is not stuart?
Wendy: I don't know, Mike, but this dog changes its colors when he gets wet. Stuart will never do that.
Jason: Mike.
Mike: Eh you know there's an article about this in the paper it says pets are changing colors said that acid rain.
Jason: Mike look.
Mike: *** cincinnati that turns purple the thing is perfectly normal i have the article upstairs i'll go and get it.
Jason: Mike stop, sit. What did you do to stuart?
Mike: I lost him. Look, I looked everywhere but I couldn't find him. Wendy I would have told you the truth but then I ask myself what is truth. Was it honesty was it pain and grieving or is it the smile on a beautiful girl's face. I guess you know what I think the truth is.
Jason: Then you took a white dog and you dyed him black?
Mike: Hey, when somebody leaves a black dog with Mike seaver they'll get a black back
Jason: Wendy I am really sorry about all of this. I know how much you must've loved stuart.
Jason: Are you kidding who got to love stuart my family went on a vacation to get away from stuart.
Jason: what?
Wendy: But I love this dog, he's so sweet I think I'll name it Mike. No, make that Mikepo.
Mike: Did you hear that dad? She's gonna name it Mikepo.
Wendy: I'll see you at night, bye.
Mike: Yeah, ok bye. Well it's my lesson, I'll never do that again.
Jason: No you won't Mike, because you're grounded for the rest of your life.
Mike: Dad ....
Jason: And a month after that.
Maggie: What's with Mike?
Jason: I just ground him for life
Maggie: Again?
Maggie: Honey what's wrong?
Carol: Dad, you're not going to believe what Melissa told me?
Jason: What?
Carol: Melissa told me Mark told kevin that I sweat a lot.
Jason: Well sweetheart didn't we decide yesterday that Melissa's really not that reliable resource?
Carol: Yeah but everything's different now dad, I mean, the whole thing is blown wide open. You see Melissa said that she...
Jason: Wait you know this this would be the good one to run by the old prom here.
Carol: Ok! But then I talk to Mark he said he never even said that or the gummy bear thing, either.
Maggie: Mark, who's mark?
Carol: *** cathy tells me she was right there when mark tells kevin that I do sweat a lot.
Maggie: Honey could you tell me who mark is and what's happened yesterday?
Carol: Mum this is nothing to do with how happened yesterday. The point is I don't know whether to trust Melissa or Mark as Cathy says
Jason: Wait wait wait sweetheart, you said that cathy also had a thing for kevin
Carol: Yes, so?
Jason: Well that doesn't make cathy a very reliable resouce either
Carol:Oh, god damn it this means everybody's ***
Jason: Hey Maggie wait.
Carol: Dad, this is just not fair.
Jason: Honey, look, if kevin's really worth caring for then he's gotta make up his own mind, eh?
Carol: I guess he already has 'cause he didn't ask me to the dance dad..
Jason: Maggie don't be mad, Carol's just upset she didn't mean to exclude you
Maggie: I am not mad I am just tired of people takeing things out of the cabinet not putting back to where they belong.
Jason: But what are you looking for ?
Maggie:I don't know.
Jason: *** mango *** we finished in 1982, come on, Maggie, I know what you're feeling.
Maggie: You do not have any idea what I am feeling, doctor seaver,
Jason: Hey look.
Maggie: No, you may know what kevin Mark and Melissa feeling but you do not know what I am feeling.
Jason: Maggie..I tried to include you
Maggie: Oh don't patronize me Jason throwing me a bone calling me old *** maybe a few years you can bring me back for old timers day.
Jason: We talked about all of this I just happen to be the guy who is here the day the whole gummy bear thing exploded in our faces.
Maggie: It's not just the gummy bears Jason it's the whole past 3 months the way you've been pampering the children making Ben's favourate chololate chip cookies
Jason: Oh what's wrong with that
Maggie: What's wrong with that? what wrong with that you're edging me out of my children's lives?
Jason: Edging you wow is that what you think?
Maggie: I don't know, you are the expert why don't you tell me what i think
Jason: Ok I think you feel guilty about going back to work
Maggie: Of course I do.
Jason: And I *** you want to be here to spend time with the kids
Maggie: Of course, I do.
Jason: And I think you want me to be good at it
Maggie: Of course I do.
Jason: But you don't want me to be as good as yours
Maggie: Of course I do.
Jason: Oh.
Maggie: Well, maybe i don't.
Jason: You know Maggie i was at work when Ben took his first step and when Carol spoke her first sentence and when Mike committed his illegal act
Maggie:Eh.
Jason: I missed up and all that and now i had the chance to be closer to the kids spend more time then you be *** that
Maggie: Oh Jason i don't.
Jason: No maybe you do i know that feeling too, because it's time that goes and never comes back. They grow up and it hurts.
Maggie: Yeah it hurts.
Jason: Are you sorry went back to work? you wanna come home?
Maggie: No I don't I guess I guess I just want to have it all but you can't ....how's Carol.
Jason: Well she's not going to the dance with kevin.
Maggie: Oh no that's too bad.
Jason: Yeah but she does have a chance at another day that she was pretty excited about.
Maggie: Really?
Jason: Yeah!
Maggie: Really, who will?
Jason: I don't know exactly but she said something about %the name mentioned above%
Maggie:From Detroit?
Jason: Yeah were not originally there.
Maggie: Eha.
Ben: Help help stuart's back.
Maggie: Look why's the ***
Ben: She is playing dead.
Mike: His grandma %same as above%.
Jason: She is dead.
Ben: oh that's wacky sturgeons.
Jason: Look they're all dead.
Jason: Mike,Mike,get the animal out of here.
Mike:come on dad,stuart was not ***,it was peppy.
Jason: Mike,Animals who live off human toes are not peppy.
Mike:This is great.you know.I'm trying to do a great deal for the neighbor who is out of town.now you guys can't do this complain
Ben: How come you only do good deal for neighbor walks like this
Mike: Ben there's a phrase one good turn deserves another.mean any thing to you?
Jason: Mike there's a phrase get that dog out of here before I punt it to the greenhouse.mean any thing to you?
Jason: Hi, Carol!
Carol: Hi!
Jason: What's the matter Carol?
Carol: I can't find the peanut butter
when is mum coming home?
Jason: Usual time
Carol:Can i call her at work?
Jason:of course you can ,sweetheart,if it's important
Carol: Yes,maggic seaver there,please? ... could you tell her to call Carol when she gets back it's really important...ok thanks bye
Jason: Something you want to talk to me about?
Carol: I don't know
Jason: Want me to leave you alone?
Carol:I don't know
Jason: Do you want me to stick large *** vegetables in my ears and play the accordion? Hey come on remember what we used to do when you were just a little girl and you had a problem i *** over here spinning around and *** like that?so we can have a face to face chat?
Carol: yeah!
Jason: It doesn't work any more.come on ,talk to me.
Carol:Today was the last day of the german club gummy bear selling.*** that was my last *** chance to get kevin to notice me before the dance tomorrow night and kevin's friend mark was coming up to get a gummy and melissa said she heard mark said he said
Jason: Wait wait who said?
Carol:kevin said
Jason: Said what?
Carol:Said said i look like a gummy bear
Jason: well honey i'm sure he meant it in a nice way
Carol:*** dad I mean the boy thinks i look like a bear i'm just ugly
Jason: You do not like a bear.but if you walk around thinking that you look ugly then you can end up looking like this.look.can you see it ***.now if you walking around know you're pretty,because you are ,then you gotta feel better.you are looking like this.what do you think?
Carol: I think it's more important what kevin thinks.
Jason: Ok but did you actually hear kevin say that he thought you look like a gummy bear?
Carol: No, but melissa said she heard he said it
Jason: why do you believe everything melissa said she heard
Carol: Well she does make me wonder sometimes i mean she swore she saw %someone's and some shop's name% last week
Jason: well they did have that big sale on home furnishings
Carol: Dad
Jason: Come on. I just think that you should take your *** about what kevin thinks fromwhat kevin says himself.
Carol: Yeah you're right i need new ice skates
Jason: Did i miss something?
Carol: well everybody's gonna be at skating rink tomorrow night and i can ski by kevin and see if he says anything to me
Jason: Tomorrow morning you and i go down to %name of a shop% and we buy a brand new pair of skates who knows maybe we'll ***run into *** in small***
Carol: Thanks dad
Maggie: Carol, Carol.
Jason: I'm here mum. ***
Maggie: Hi sweetheart where's Carol? i got a message she wants to talk to me
Jason: she's over the %someone's name%'s
Maggie: Ah!
Jason: How was your day?
Maggie: Oh another last minute rewrite i never type so fast in my life my fingers are still ***ing
Jason: oh don't be wasting those *** fingers and try to *** below the shoulder ***
Maggie: Oh Jason.
Jason: Perfect thank you
Maggie: So what did Carol want to talk about Jim said she sounds very upset
Jason: yes well it seems she has reasons to believe that kevin thought that she looks like a gummy bear.
Maggie: kevin? the one in the german club?
Jason: My dear the *** of the German club
Maggie: oh no she's had a crush on him since
Jason: Yeah since the october %a name% party
Maggie:wow kids must be *** eh i'll talk to her when she get home
Jason: But she's fine now
Maggie: she is?
Jason: Yeah we've talked it over ***
Maggie: You did?
Jason: I did
Maggie: Honey you don't have to say that *** i won't feel guilty
Jason: oh no Maggie we've talked the whole thing over through and through inside enough. we cried we laughed we hugged we closed with a song
Maggie: That's good that's good Jason, but if you don't mind i think i'll talk to her just the same.
Jason: she's fine Maggie
Maggie: Honey she always says she's fine now when she coming home?
Jason: You don't think I can hold up *** the bargain, do you?
Maggie: Oh, Jason what bargain.
Jason: Oh, come on the bargain were you go back to work and i stay here and take care the kids
Maggie:Oh Jason.
Jason: Nah you don't think that i can handle it do you
Maggie: Jason it's not that i don't think that you can handle it. It's ...
Jason: No,no,no. I happen to be a highly skilled professional consultant
Maggie: Oh, Jason
Jason: Who once talked to a man down from the shark ***
Maggie: Aha.
Jason: No,no,no. I mean because I was the guy who predicted two weeks before the police caught son of sam that he would turn out to be an ugly male man from new *** and talk to his neighbor's dog.
Maggie: Jason, it's not that I don't think that you are a wonderful psychiatrist but you're just not a mother.
Jason: Well that's fine with me because this *** is killing me
Mike: Ben, where's mum and dad?
Ben: Hey, Mike! what's hide from mum?
Mike: sh.....me hide something from my beloved mother and father?
Ben: oh no *** another one. Will it bite me?
Mike: What's the matter Ben are you *** stuart?
Ben: Mike, Stuart is black.
Mike: So.
Ben: This dog is white.
Mike: So!
Ben: So I think that's a noticeable difference.
Mike: Ben you gotta help me. Stuart ran away.
Ben: Wendy's planing to kill you
Mike: No she doesn't find out.
Ben: Mike, even one of your girlfriend has a sharp eye at remembering the color of her own dog.
Mike:That's ok with Wendy you just make sure mum and dad won't find out.
Maggie: Hi guys, what's this?
Ben" What dog?
Maggie: Who said anything about the dog?
Ben: Not me.
Carol: Hi mum.
Maggie: Hi, sweetheart, how are you?
Carol:Fine, great, just in time for my show!
Maggie: Oh I got your message and would've called you back but I was out of the office all day.
Carol: Oh that's ok mum. Look at this guy
Maggie: What is this?
Carol: It's sturgeons of %a name% street
Maggie: Why's the *** floors?
Carol: Their family dog died they *** to tell the grandma
Maggie: Oh, so honey you wanna talk about what happend at school the day? Carol?
Carol: Aha, mum, what did you say?
Maggie: Oh, you must be very upset about what kevin said . laughters
Maggie: Oh good commercial so let's talk. What's with this kevin anyway.
Carol: Alright i've talked everything through with dad
Maggie: I know that, but I thought maybe a woman to woman talk.
Carol: No, really, mum I'm fine.
Maggie: You are! Are you sure? Honey, you don't have say that just so that i won't feel guilty.
Carol: No, I swear it's ok mum you know I thought I wasn't gonna like it when you went back to work but it's really *** having dad at home now
Maggie: great it's great
Carol: Hey does wacky sturgeons on yet? Ah, come on dad sit in the middle. eh can you move off a little mum.
Maggie: Yes.
Jason: You gonna love this.
Maggie: Oh!
Wendy: Hi, it's Wendy!
Jason: Hi! Wendy, come on in.How are you doing ?
Wendy: Fine!
Jason: How was your vacation?
Wendy: Oh, it's great first we went to Europe and then we went to France.
Jason: Yes, well, you must have quite a travel agency. Mike, Wendy's here.
Wendy: I hope stuart wasn't too much trouble for you.
Jason: Stuart no no what we started feeded it the neighbor's childrens' we hardly knew he was here.
Mike: Hi Wendy .
Wendy: Hi, Mike hi %call the dog%
Mike: Wow it looks glad to see you, Wendy.
Ben: That does look like Stuart, doesn't it? Same color and everything.
Mike: Oh yes Wendy want *** you and stuart home come on stuart come on yeah that's it yeah good dog come on. Just look at it Wendy, I mean, he was so excited about you coming home last night he didn't sleep *** now of course it is exhaust.
Wendy: Oh...
Jason: Ben.
Ben: Yeah, dad?
Jason: What did Mike do to Stuart?
Ben: The truth,dad?
Jason: Yeah Ben.
Ben: Mike didn't do anything to stuart, bye.
Maggie: Hi, sweetheart.
Jason: Hello!
Maggie: Where's Carol?
Jason: I don't know. Are we going on vacation here?
Maggie: No, no, I just thought I take Carol onto the city for the day *** to a couple of art galleries *** to tab on the green for lunch then maybe *** zoo
Jason: Yeah.
Maggie: I know, Carol must be dying to see that %animal name% from Detroit.
Jason: Those thing come from Detroit?
Maggie: Anyway I thought we had time
Jason: Listen, sweetheart does Carol know all about this?
Maggie: No, why?
Jason: Well it's just Carol and I were planning to go shopping together the day for a new pair of skates.
Maggie: Oh.
Jason: I think it's important to her well you know kevin and other kids are going skating this afternoon.
Maggie: Oh.
Jason: And you know the big dance is tonight.
Maggie: No.
Jason: Oh yes.
Maggie: No I didn't realize that.
Jason: En.
Maggie:But that's more your *** now well honey you two have a good time.
Jason: Maggie wanna come with us?
Maggie: Oh, no. I just be in the way.
Jason: No,no. Don't be ridiculous.
Maggie: No. No. I can have fun here really. I'll just do the laundry maybe clean a few toilets.
Jason: Does it bother you that Carol and I have plans together ?
Maggie: No, no. I think it's great I mean sure she didn't have time to talk to me last night and she doesn't have time to be with me the day but I love seeing the two of you together you're her father she's your daughter you father and daughter you should do things together your father and daughter things I'm very happy for this.
Jason: Maggie, you know when Carol came from school yesterday all upset she really wanted to talk to you.
Maggie:En.
Jason: Oh yes it was like pulling teeth to get it opened up to old dad
Maggie: Yeah.
Jason: She still need her mother, you know.
Maggie: Sometimes I don't feel like it.
Jason: Oh, she does and you still are the *** in the family
Maggie: Yeah?
Jason: Very nice!
Maggie: Hah. So you are saying that I'm overacting a bit
Jason: No, no, I'm saying you are overacting a lot.
Mike: Dad i'm telling you she's to face that stuart going through people change dogs change but did you ever read %bookname% Wendy! *** how is it going? stuart *** fellow.
Wendy: Mike this isn't stuart.
Mike: Wendy Wendy Wendy, who would this be if this is not stuart?
Wendy: I don't know, Mike, but this dog changes its colors when he gets wet. Stuart will never do that.
Jason: Mike.
Mike: Eh you know there's an article about this in the paper it says pets are changing colors said that acid rain.
Jason: Mike look.
Mike: *** cincinnati that turns purple the thing is perfectly normal i have the article upstairs i'll go and get it.
Jason: Mike stop, sit. What did you do to stuart?
Mike: I lost him. Look, I looked everywhere but I couldn't find him. Wendy I would have told you the truth but then I ask myself what is truth. Was it honesty was it pain and grieving or is it the smile on a beautiful girl's face. I guess you know what I think the truth is.
Jason: Then you took a white dog and you dyed him black?
Mike: Hey, when somebody leaves a black dog with Mike seaver they'll get a black back
Jason: Wendy I am really sorry about all of this. I know how much you must've loved stuart.
Jason: Are you kidding who got to love stuart my family went on a vacation to get away from stuart.
Jason: what?
Wendy: But I love this dog, he's so sweet I think I'll name it Mike. No, make that Mikepo.
Mike: Did you hear that dad? She's gonna name it Mikepo.
Wendy: I'll see you at night, bye.
Mike: Yeah, ok bye. Well it's my lesson, I'll never do that again.
Jason: No you won't Mike, because you're grounded for the rest of your life.
Mike: Dad ....
Jason: And a month after that.
Maggie: What's with Mike?
Jason: I just ground him for life
Maggie: Again?
Maggie: Honey what's wrong?
Carol: Dad, you're not going to believe what Melissa told me?
Jason: What?
Carol: Melissa told me Mark told kevin that I sweat a lot.
Jason: Well sweetheart didn't we decide yesterday that Melissa's really not that reliable resource?
Carol: Yeah but everything's different now dad, I mean, the whole thing is blown wide open. You see Melissa said that she...
Jason: Wait you know this this would be the good one to run by the old prom here.
Carol: Ok! But then I talk to Mark he said he never even said that or the gummy bear thing, either.
Maggie: Mark, who's mark?
Carol: *** cathy tells me she was right there when mark tells kevin that I do sweat a lot.
Maggie: Honey could you tell me who mark is and what's happened yesterday?
Carol: Mum this is nothing to do with how happened yesterday. The point is I don't know whether to trust Melissa or Mark as Cathy says
Jason: Wait wait wait sweetheart, you said that cathy also had a thing for kevin
Carol: Yes, so?
Jason: Well that doesn't make cathy a very reliable resouce either
Carol:Oh, god damn it this means everybody's ***
Jason: Hey Maggie wait.
Carol: Dad, this is just not fair.
Jason: Honey, look, if kevin's really worth caring for then he's gotta make up his own mind, eh?
Carol: I guess he already has 'cause he didn't ask me to the dance dad..
Jason: Maggie don't be mad, Carol's just upset she didn't mean to exclude you
Maggie: I am not mad I am just tired of people takeing things out of the cabinet not putting back to where they belong.
Jason: But what are you looking for ?
Maggie:I don't know.
Jason: *** mango *** we finished in 1982, come on, Maggie, I know what you're feeling.
Maggie: You do not have any idea what I am feeling, doctor seaver,
Jason: Hey look.
Maggie: No, you may know what kevin Mark and Melissa feeling but you do not know what I am feeling.
Jason: Maggie..I tried to include you
Maggie: Oh don't patronize me Jason throwing me a bone calling me old *** maybe a few years you can bring me back for old timers day.
Jason: We talked about all of this I just happen to be the guy who is here the day the whole gummy bear thing exploded in our faces.
Maggie: It's not just the gummy bears Jason it's the whole past 3 months the way you've been pampering the children making Ben's favourate chololate chip cookies
Jason: Oh what's wrong with that
Maggie: What's wrong with that? what wrong with that you're edging me out of my children's lives?
Jason: Edging you wow is that what you think?
Maggie: I don't know, you are the expert why don't you tell me what i think
Jason: Ok I think you feel guilty about going back to work
Maggie: Of course I do.
Jason: And I *** you want to be here to spend time with the kids
Maggie: Of course, I do.
Jason: And I think you want me to be good at it
Maggie: Of course I do.
Jason: But you don't want me to be as good as yours
Maggie: Of course I do.
Jason: Oh.
Maggie: Well, maybe i don't.
Jason: You know Maggie i was at work when Ben took his first step and when Carol spoke her first sentence and when Mike committed his illegal act
Maggie:Eh.
Jason: I missed up and all that and now i had the chance to be closer to the kids spend more time then you be *** that
Maggie: Oh Jason i don't.
Jason: No maybe you do i know that feeling too, because it's time that goes and never comes back. They grow up and it hurts.
Maggie: Yeah it hurts.
Jason: Are you sorry went back to work? you wanna come home?
Maggie: No I don't I guess I guess I just want to have it all but you can't ....how's Carol.
Jason: Well she's not going to the dance with kevin.
Maggie: Oh no that's too bad.
Jason: Yeah but she does have a chance at another day that she was pretty excited about.
Maggie: Really?
Jason: Yeah!
Maggie: Really, who will?
Jason: I don't know exactly but she said something about %the name mentioned above%
Maggie:From Detroit?
Jason: Yeah were not originally there.
Maggie: Eha.
Ben: Help help stuart's back.
Maggie: Look why's the ***
Ben: She is playing dead.
Mike: His grandma %same as above%.
Jason: She is dead.
Ben: oh that's wacky sturgeons.
Jason: Look they're all dead.
Growing Pains 104
Maggie: Mike, would you get your sister, please.
Mike: Yo, fido ,dinner
Carol: I'll be right down, firehydrant.
Tell mom, I'm just gonna finish this paragraph.
Mike: Hey, mom, fido's gonna finish her paragraph...
Maggie: Thank you, I heard. And frankly, fire hydrant, I don't think it's funny or appropriate for you to call your sister fido.
Mike: You are right. It's a boy's name.
Jason: Is she still working on that article? She's taking this tryout for the school paper very seriously.
Mike: Come on. This is the Walt Wittman chronical here, one of the world great papers. It's right up there with... Sharloman and nice and soft.
Maggie: Mike, this is very important to Carol. Try to keep your snide comments to a minimum.
Mike: So, like what? Three or four?
Jason: You're working awfully hard,sweet heart.
Carol: Yeah,I just wanna get it right, you know, so its like a best article they've ever got.
Mike: Pretty tuff to beat last week scroop: Gronoly bars replace gummy bears in snack machine
Ben: That's one!
Carol: One what?
Ben: Snide comment. Mom says Mike can make three more at you during dinner.
Jason: probrably that was last one, right, Mike?
Mike: Why, yes, father, I believe it was.
Carol: Anyway, tomorrow is the moment of truth. Tomorrow, Mr.Simmonds reads all the articles and decides who gets the job.
Jason: Oh, no, no, not Simmonds.
Maggie: Why? Who's Simmonds?
Jason: That's the teacher who locked the kid in the closet for not closing a quote.
Maggie: I don't think there's anything to worry about. Just do the best you can, I'm sure he'll be impressed.
Carol: This's so exciting. The roar of the mighty press's ink, coursing through my veins. Maybe I got what it takes , Maybe I don't. But I'll never find out unless I leap into the darkness and give it my all
Mike: If she sings "I gotta be me", I swear I'll throw up.
Ben: That's two.
Carol: Mom, do you think you can read my article tonight and tell me what you think?
Maggie: Well, I'll be happy to, honey.
Carol: You'll be honest?
Maggie: Savagely honest.
Carol: Well, I know. I am probably just worrying too much. But have you ever wanted something so much you could feel it with your entire body?
Mike: Well, now that you mention it.
Mike: Yes, Jerry, put me in for 20 bucks. Yes, of course I have it. Look only a scuzz ball wouldn't have 20 bucks. Yeah, Ok.bye. Hey, Ben, give me 20 bulks.
Ben: No way!
Mike: We didn't want you to know this, but...well, Mom needs an operation.
Ben: That's low Mike, even for you.
Mike: OK, OK. look, Jerry Delish, he 's over at offthetrack betting and he's got a hot tip on Peski Perski in the fourth.
Ben: Is that a horse?
Mike: No, it's an imported beer. Of course its a horse. Ben, I am giving you the opportunity to make a hundred dollars.
Ben: En, that sounds pretty good.
Mike: Of course it sounds pretty good. You're acting like I am trying to put over on you or something
Ben: I am sorry.
Mike: No, forget it. You'll do it?
Ben: Sure, I want to split the profits.
Mike: All right, Ben.
Ben: 70.30. mine.
Mike: What?
Ben: Take it or leave it.
Mike: OK, OK, Ok ...
Ben: So, it's a pleasure doing business with you, Mike.
Mike: That kid's going to be good.
Jason: Carol's paper can't be that bad.
Maggie: She wrote about guys who dig for clams.
Jason: Well, what's wrong was that?
Maggie: She called it "I clam, therefore I am".
Jason: Did she?
Maggie: Listen to this. Night obduces the ismus Beneath its osydium mantel The mollusks imbibe one last sip, betwixed their valves and expel the days muculance.
Jason: she could be pushing a little?
Maggie: Jason, read this.
Jason: With the dextrous manipulation of his digits, the master clammer extricates the muculant mollusk from its lepidious mana. Well ,look at it this way, we have a daughter who knows what muculance is. How many people know what muculance is.
Maggie: Nobody knows what muculance is. And that's the problem. Newspaper writing needs to be clear, accessible. Ah, Jason, what am I gonna to tell she, she asked for my honest opinion.
Jason: No kid wants your honest opinion. They want unconditional approval.
Maggie: And what if you don't approve?
Jason: Then you'll have a significant dilemma much like the one you re in now.
Maggie: Thank you, Doctor Seaver. Oh, come on, Jason, help me out here.
Jason: Well, if we want this to be a learning experience for her..
Maggie: Go on.
Jason: And all learning is based on positive reinforcement.
Maggie: More.
Jason: See if you want a pigeon to perform you reward it with a pellet.
Maggie: What are you saying?
Jason: I am saying that we should have had pigeons, they are easier to raise.
Maggie: Jason, come on.
Jason: You just start off by pointing out the strengths of the article. And then you show her how the article could be improved.
Maggie: You're right. Accentuate the positive.
Jason: Yes. Be gentle, nurturing and supportive. And if that doesn't work, you simply tie her the bad and set her rebboks on fire.
Maggie: Carol.
Carol: Come in.
Maggie: Ha...Well, it's late, you must be tired. We can talk about this tomorrow...
Carol: No, Mum, I've been waiting for you. I read the article again, I think I can be more objective now.
Maggie: That's a good thing to do. Put it away for a while, get some distance, often what you thought of it was a bit ...
Carol: I know, I know... I ve already changed it.
Maggie: You did?
Carol: Yeah.
Maggie: Ah...
Carol: The two "muculance" is in the same sentence...terrible. Make the second one" pituitousness "
Maggie: Oh...
Carol: Are you proud of me, mum? The truth
Maggie: Of course, honey, I am always proud of you.
Carol: You think I ll make the paper?
Maggie: Well, it's obviously you have potential. Very few people could write like...this.
Carol: so, you don't think I shouldn t change anything. Mum, It is great!
Maggie: Well, What I... What I...What I am saying is... I am...Carol, it's clear that you put a lot of time into this article. It's...wellthought out, it's well typed, and ... and I just love these margins
Carol: But...
Maggie: Well, it's not so much a but...
Carol: It sounds just like a but.
Maggie: Well, what I am trying to say is...
Carol: Cut to the "but", mum!
Maggie: But...it is just not newspaper writing, honey. Look, in any field there're rules, you just have to learn them. Newspaper writing has to be more simple, straight forward.
Carol: So you think my article is garbage.
Maggie: Sweetheart, if I let you turn this in to Mr Simmonds, he'd tell you the same things, only meaner.
Carol: Introduction to Journalism .
Maggie: I found it very helpful, and I am sure you'll too.
Carol: Yeah.
Maggie: Are you Ok?
Carol: Yeah, I am fine.
Maggie: Really?
Carol: yeah, really. Thanks for your advice.
Maggie: Good. Good night, pumpkin.
Mike: I know, Jerry says we bet on Undulate, in the eighth.
Ben: I say we bet on Arbitrary.
Mike: Why?
Ben: Why not?
Mike: Ben, look at these times, I mean, you'll be growing chest hair before Arbitrary finishes this race.
Ben: I just got a hunch about this one
Mike: Ben, you can't bet a race on a hunch.
Ben: OK. But what about if Arbitrary comes out of the Sacretary by the way of sea busicuit Adlonso picked up three purses in his last four turn outs.
Mike: OK. I know that. But I say we stick with Jerry, I mean, he's been right so far.
Ben: I m not so sure.
Mike: Ben, who's got the connections?
Ben: Who's got the money?
Mike: Who's got the weight advantage.
Ben: Go Undulate!
Jason: Earth to Maggie?
Maggie: Eh?
Jason: Everything OK?
Maggie: Oh, well, I was just wondering why Carol hasn't come down yet?
Jason: Ah.
Maggie: I hope I wasn't too hard on her last night.
Jason: No, I am sure you were just, unless, did you burn her rebboks?
Ben: What do you wanna for Christmas, mum? Cause my middle name is "Money"
Jason: Correct me if I m wrong, but I've been living under the assumption that your middle name was "Humphrey"
Ben: I hate " Humphrey ".
Jason: OH?
Ben: And a kid with 65 dollars can call his own shots.
Jason: Really?
Maggie: Ben, where did you get 65 dollars?
Ben: Oh, me, mum...
Mike: ah... I came into a little money, mum. And you always taught me to share, so I shared it with my little bro.
Jason: And now, just for the heck of it, Mike, the truth.
Ben: Jerry Delish bet on a horse for us and we won.
Maggie: Mike, you took Ben's money and risked it on a horse?
Ben: It was a sure thing, mum. Jerry Delish said so.
Maggie: Jerry" I swear she looked eighteen"Delish. There will be no more betting.
Ben: But, mum...I am going...
Mike: Jerry...
Jason: Wait. But, MUM. These guys are hot, they are on a roll, they won. I m sure there are some people who actually lose money at the track, but those people don't know Jerry Delish.
Maggie: Ah. Well, maybe you are right, Jason. These boys do seem to have...winner written right over them
Mike: So we can let it ride on Undulate on the eighth?
Jason: Boys, and I say this to you as a friend. I think you'd be crazy not to
Ben: Yeah, right...
Mike: Yeah, all right. Thanks a lot. see you later.
Jason: Don't worry, this will work.
Maggie: Two bucks say you are a loser.
Jason: You're on.
Maggie: Carol?
Jason: Don't worry, she will be fine. After all, she is a Seaver. She can take criticism.
Maggie: Good morning, Carol. You look nice.
Carol: Thank you.
Maggie: That's a real cute sweater.
Carol: Oh, you like it?
Maggie: A lot. It's a good color for you, brings out your eyes.
Carol: Not too bright?
Maggie: It's very becoming.
Carol: If you think not, I'm sure there's a book I can read perhaps "Introduction to Dressing"?.
Teacher: You call these facts? How many kids through up from the tuna casserole? Where s the cafeteria's side of the story?
Student: Food services had no comment.
Teacher: Food services had no comment. You go back down to the cafeteria.
somebody in sandwiches or puddings has an axe to grind. You find yourself a deep throat and you bring back a story.
Teacher: Next! Sit down!
Teacher: Carol, eh? All right. You want the job? You got it.
Carol: Really? You like my writing? Ah! I worked so hard on my metaphors
Teacher: Your metaphors stink.
Carol: Similies are more....
Teacher: Similies stink. Your writing stinks. Oh, excuse me, I forgot who I was talking to. It is repeat with stinkiocity. At least you can spell. To be honest, they can't even spell. But you spell words that nobody knows. Muculance? What in the hell is muculance?
Carol: Eh...It's ah... It's basically ... slimey glob
Teacher: Slimey glob. Call it slimey glob. People know what slimey glob is
Carol: I just felt that maybe...
Teacher: Felt is for pull tables. You start, Monday.
Carol: Thank you, but I don't think I want the job.
Mike & Ben: Come on! Undulate!
Commentator: Around the fern turn, its Nice Girl in the lead, with Undulate at the third! Its still Nice Girl a full six lengths ahead of Hedge Trimmer, with Undulate a distant third.
Maggie: Hey! Guys! Looks like Undulate's gonna be very late.
Ben: Relax! Nice Gril always strikes strong. She'll fade.
Commnetator: And Nice Girl's starting to fade.
Mike: Come on, you can do it Undulate!
Ben: Don't worry! She'll make her move on the outside, right here, Undulate!
Speakman: And moving on the outside it is Undulate! Look at her go. They're moving on the final stretch. They're neck and neck. It's nicegirl,Undulate! Nicegirl, Undulate! And at the finish it is Undulate! By a nose hair! And she'll pay at nine to one folks!
Maggie: Nine to one!
Jason: Holy cow, that's four hundred and fifty bucks.
Mike: Alright. That's Jerry calling from OTV. What do we do? Fast Bennie. we keep the four fifty or let it ride on Nail Biter in the ninth?
Jason: Guys I don't think you should quit while you are ahead
Maggie: Jason!
Jason: Maggie! It's four hundred and fifty dollars you put that in a rollover account with interest and wait. Come on. We could teach them this gambling lesson another time. Ok! Boys, I say, this is no time to stop. You know you got it. you got that touch!
Mike: Hi! Jerry, put it all on Nail Biter to win.
Maggie: Hi! Carol. How did it go with Simmonds?
Carol: Fine thank you, I got the job.
Maggie: Oh, really? Well! Congratulations, honey! That's wonderful! Carol got the job on the paper!
Carol: I turned it down!
Maggie: May I come in?
Carol: Sure!
Maggie: What are you doing?
Carol: Cleaning this garbage out of my way.
Maggie: Carol, how come you turned the job down? I mean it really seemed like you had your heart set on it.
Carol: Yeah! Well that was before I realised that there's nothing really creative about journalism. I mean all you do is regurgitate facts. If I m going to be a writer I'd rather do a novel. At least people don't train their puppies on Moby Dick!
Carol: I can understand you being angry at me for my criticism of your article.
Carol: Why should I be angry? Simmonds gave me the job!
Maggie: I know! I know. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, well, honey, it's always tricky giving criticism to someone you love. And I guess I just didn't do a very good job.
Obviously Simmonds was very happy with what you did. And I m glad that I was wrong...
Carol: NO.
Maggie: Pardon me?
Carol: I said no. Ok? Are you happy? He said everything you said, only worse. He said my article was repeat with stinkiocity.
Maggie: But you said that you got the job.
Carol: But that was only because all the other articles were repeat with stinkiocity.
Maggie: Oh, honey! I am so sorry.
Carol: he said he even didn t know what muculance was.
Maggie: Well that s just his stupidness sweatheart. Everybody knows what
muculance is.
Carol: I ll never be able to write like you.
Maggie: Oh, hold on, hold on, honey, that s just not true. That maybe you will be reaching a little. But you have great natural abilities.
Carol: You're just saying that.
Maggie: Hey, hey. Didn't I establish myself last night as someone who isn t afraid to tell the truth?
Carol: Yeah. Even if it does mean crushing a little kids ego. You really think that I might have natural ability?
Maggie: I dug this out of the attic this afternoon. Well, I thought you might like to take a look at it.
Carol: A letter I wrote from camp 5 years ago?
Maggie: Uh huh. Read it.
Carol: "Dear mum and dad,
Camp is fun, except for the rash I got when I tried to find out what poison sue looks like, except for the kids teasing anyone who is small, fat, left handed. Missing you and baby Ben, and even Mike a little, but don't tell. Bring my chemistry set and potato chips on visiting day, love, Carol."
That's not so good?
Maggie: Hey, Didn't we bring your chemistry set and your potato chips?
Carol: Yeah?
Maggie: Then you got your point across.
Carol: Yeah
Maggie: Yeah,
Carol: Yeah, I see what you are saying. But I still think it could have been better.
Maggie: What makes you say that?
Carol: Well, as I remember you brought Mike too
TV: And this is unbelievable! Coming around the final turn it's Nailbiter by 18 lengths, running a distant second is Slimsfrog, with Arnold's Dream Date at third position. And it is Nailbiter by 20 lengths. ... (Mike,Jason,& Ben's yelling)And Nailbiter is at the final pole, and he must be a full 25 lengths ahead. That horse could walk in from here!
Ben: Go on, Nailbitter!...I'll never have to work again!
TV: Oh... Ladies and gentleman, wait a minute. There s been an accident. Nailbitter has tripped and gone down. The horse is on the ground. In all my years at the track I've never seen anything like this!
Ben: Get up! get up!
Mike: Get up! Get up!
TV: A foot from the finish line! Maybe two feet. And the jockey is trying to drag the horse across the finish. This is amazing! A 94 pound man trying to drag a race horse by one leg.
Mike: Pull him! Pull him!
Jason: Come on!
TV: ...coming up from the outside is Slimsfrog! And the winner is ...Slimsfrog!
Jason: It was just......I hope you boys have learned your lesson!
Carol: Look at here, "X rays reveal that Nailbiter suffered a fractured fibular. Trainer Jim Shepherd immediately announced that his prize stallion would be put out to stud"
Ben: What's a "stud"?
Jason: Mum?
Maggie: Well, Ben, sometimes when a boy horse get hurt, they used them to get lots and lots of girl horses pregnant.
Jason: That's very good.
Mike: Ouch, ouch...
Mike: Yo, fido ,dinner
Carol: I'll be right down, firehydrant.
Tell mom, I'm just gonna finish this paragraph.
Mike: Hey, mom, fido's gonna finish her paragraph...
Maggie: Thank you, I heard. And frankly, fire hydrant, I don't think it's funny or appropriate for you to call your sister fido.
Mike: You are right. It's a boy's name.
Jason: Is she still working on that article? She's taking this tryout for the school paper very seriously.
Mike: Come on. This is the Walt Wittman chronical here, one of the world great papers. It's right up there with... Sharloman and nice and soft.
Maggie: Mike, this is very important to Carol. Try to keep your snide comments to a minimum.
Mike: So, like what? Three or four?
Jason: You're working awfully hard,sweet heart.
Carol: Yeah,I just wanna get it right, you know, so its like a best article they've ever got.
Mike: Pretty tuff to beat last week scroop: Gronoly bars replace gummy bears in snack machine
Ben: That's one!
Carol: One what?
Ben: Snide comment. Mom says Mike can make three more at you during dinner.
Jason: probrably that was last one, right, Mike?
Mike: Why, yes, father, I believe it was.
Carol: Anyway, tomorrow is the moment of truth. Tomorrow, Mr.Simmonds reads all the articles and decides who gets the job.
Jason: Oh, no, no, not Simmonds.
Maggie: Why? Who's Simmonds?
Jason: That's the teacher who locked the kid in the closet for not closing a quote.
Maggie: I don't think there's anything to worry about. Just do the best you can, I'm sure he'll be impressed.
Carol: This's so exciting. The roar of the mighty press's ink, coursing through my veins. Maybe I got what it takes , Maybe I don't. But I'll never find out unless I leap into the darkness and give it my all
Mike: If she sings "I gotta be me", I swear I'll throw up.
Ben: That's two.
Carol: Mom, do you think you can read my article tonight and tell me what you think?
Maggie: Well, I'll be happy to, honey.
Carol: You'll be honest?
Maggie: Savagely honest.
Carol: Well, I know. I am probably just worrying too much. But have you ever wanted something so much you could feel it with your entire body?
Mike: Well, now that you mention it.
Mike: Yes, Jerry, put me in for 20 bucks. Yes, of course I have it. Look only a scuzz ball wouldn't have 20 bucks. Yeah, Ok.bye. Hey, Ben, give me 20 bulks.
Ben: No way!
Mike: We didn't want you to know this, but...well, Mom needs an operation.
Ben: That's low Mike, even for you.
Mike: OK, OK. look, Jerry Delish, he 's over at offthetrack betting and he's got a hot tip on Peski Perski in the fourth.
Ben: Is that a horse?
Mike: No, it's an imported beer. Of course its a horse. Ben, I am giving you the opportunity to make a hundred dollars.
Ben: En, that sounds pretty good.
Mike: Of course it sounds pretty good. You're acting like I am trying to put over on you or something
Ben: I am sorry.
Mike: No, forget it. You'll do it?
Ben: Sure, I want to split the profits.
Mike: All right, Ben.
Ben: 70.30. mine.
Mike: What?
Ben: Take it or leave it.
Mike: OK, OK, Ok ...
Ben: So, it's a pleasure doing business with you, Mike.
Mike: That kid's going to be good.
Jason: Carol's paper can't be that bad.
Maggie: She wrote about guys who dig for clams.
Jason: Well, what's wrong was that?
Maggie: She called it "I clam, therefore I am".
Jason: Did she?
Maggie: Listen to this. Night obduces the ismus Beneath its osydium mantel The mollusks imbibe one last sip, betwixed their valves and expel the days muculance.
Jason: she could be pushing a little?
Maggie: Jason, read this.
Jason: With the dextrous manipulation of his digits, the master clammer extricates the muculant mollusk from its lepidious mana. Well ,look at it this way, we have a daughter who knows what muculance is. How many people know what muculance is.
Maggie: Nobody knows what muculance is. And that's the problem. Newspaper writing needs to be clear, accessible. Ah, Jason, what am I gonna to tell she, she asked for my honest opinion.
Jason: No kid wants your honest opinion. They want unconditional approval.
Maggie: And what if you don't approve?
Jason: Then you'll have a significant dilemma much like the one you re in now.
Maggie: Thank you, Doctor Seaver. Oh, come on, Jason, help me out here.
Jason: Well, if we want this to be a learning experience for her..
Maggie: Go on.
Jason: And all learning is based on positive reinforcement.
Maggie: More.
Jason: See if you want a pigeon to perform you reward it with a pellet.
Maggie: What are you saying?
Jason: I am saying that we should have had pigeons, they are easier to raise.
Maggie: Jason, come on.
Jason: You just start off by pointing out the strengths of the article. And then you show her how the article could be improved.
Maggie: You're right. Accentuate the positive.
Jason: Yes. Be gentle, nurturing and supportive. And if that doesn't work, you simply tie her the bad and set her rebboks on fire.
Maggie: Carol.
Carol: Come in.
Maggie: Ha...Well, it's late, you must be tired. We can talk about this tomorrow...
Carol: No, Mum, I've been waiting for you. I read the article again, I think I can be more objective now.
Maggie: That's a good thing to do. Put it away for a while, get some distance, often what you thought of it was a bit ...
Carol: I know, I know... I ve already changed it.
Maggie: You did?
Carol: Yeah.
Maggie: Ah...
Carol: The two "muculance" is in the same sentence...terrible. Make the second one" pituitousness "
Maggie: Oh...
Carol: Are you proud of me, mum? The truth
Maggie: Of course, honey, I am always proud of you.
Carol: You think I ll make the paper?
Maggie: Well, it's obviously you have potential. Very few people could write like...this.
Carol: so, you don't think I shouldn t change anything. Mum, It is great!
Maggie: Well, What I... What I...What I am saying is... I am...Carol, it's clear that you put a lot of time into this article. It's...wellthought out, it's well typed, and ... and I just love these margins
Carol: But...
Maggie: Well, it's not so much a but...
Carol: It sounds just like a but.
Maggie: Well, what I am trying to say is...
Carol: Cut to the "but", mum!
Maggie: But...it is just not newspaper writing, honey. Look, in any field there're rules, you just have to learn them. Newspaper writing has to be more simple, straight forward.
Carol: So you think my article is garbage.
Maggie: Sweetheart, if I let you turn this in to Mr Simmonds, he'd tell you the same things, only meaner.
Carol: Introduction to Journalism .
Maggie: I found it very helpful, and I am sure you'll too.
Carol: Yeah.
Maggie: Are you Ok?
Carol: Yeah, I am fine.
Maggie: Really?
Carol: yeah, really. Thanks for your advice.
Maggie: Good. Good night, pumpkin.
Mike: I know, Jerry says we bet on Undulate, in the eighth.
Ben: I say we bet on Arbitrary.
Mike: Why?
Ben: Why not?
Mike: Ben, look at these times, I mean, you'll be growing chest hair before Arbitrary finishes this race.
Ben: I just got a hunch about this one
Mike: Ben, you can't bet a race on a hunch.
Ben: OK. But what about if Arbitrary comes out of the Sacretary by the way of sea busicuit Adlonso picked up three purses in his last four turn outs.
Mike: OK. I know that. But I say we stick with Jerry, I mean, he's been right so far.
Ben: I m not so sure.
Mike: Ben, who's got the connections?
Ben: Who's got the money?
Mike: Who's got the weight advantage.
Ben: Go Undulate!
Jason: Earth to Maggie?
Maggie: Eh?
Jason: Everything OK?
Maggie: Oh, well, I was just wondering why Carol hasn't come down yet?
Jason: Ah.
Maggie: I hope I wasn't too hard on her last night.
Jason: No, I am sure you were just, unless, did you burn her rebboks?
Ben: What do you wanna for Christmas, mum? Cause my middle name is "Money"
Jason: Correct me if I m wrong, but I've been living under the assumption that your middle name was "Humphrey"
Ben: I hate " Humphrey ".
Jason: OH?
Ben: And a kid with 65 dollars can call his own shots.
Jason: Really?
Maggie: Ben, where did you get 65 dollars?
Ben: Oh, me, mum...
Mike: ah... I came into a little money, mum. And you always taught me to share, so I shared it with my little bro.
Jason: And now, just for the heck of it, Mike, the truth.
Ben: Jerry Delish bet on a horse for us and we won.
Maggie: Mike, you took Ben's money and risked it on a horse?
Ben: It was a sure thing, mum. Jerry Delish said so.
Maggie: Jerry" I swear she looked eighteen"Delish. There will be no more betting.
Ben: But, mum...I am going...
Mike: Jerry...
Jason: Wait. But, MUM. These guys are hot, they are on a roll, they won. I m sure there are some people who actually lose money at the track, but those people don't know Jerry Delish.
Maggie: Ah. Well, maybe you are right, Jason. These boys do seem to have...winner written right over them
Mike: So we can let it ride on Undulate on the eighth?
Jason: Boys, and I say this to you as a friend. I think you'd be crazy not to
Ben: Yeah, right...
Mike: Yeah, all right. Thanks a lot. see you later.
Jason: Don't worry, this will work.
Maggie: Two bucks say you are a loser.
Jason: You're on.
Maggie: Carol?
Jason: Don't worry, she will be fine. After all, she is a Seaver. She can take criticism.
Maggie: Good morning, Carol. You look nice.
Carol: Thank you.
Maggie: That's a real cute sweater.
Carol: Oh, you like it?
Maggie: A lot. It's a good color for you, brings out your eyes.
Carol: Not too bright?
Maggie: It's very becoming.
Carol: If you think not, I'm sure there's a book I can read perhaps "Introduction to Dressing"?.
Teacher: You call these facts? How many kids through up from the tuna casserole? Where s the cafeteria's side of the story?
Student: Food services had no comment.
Teacher: Food services had no comment. You go back down to the cafeteria.
somebody in sandwiches or puddings has an axe to grind. You find yourself a deep throat and you bring back a story.
Teacher: Next! Sit down!
Teacher: Carol, eh? All right. You want the job? You got it.
Carol: Really? You like my writing? Ah! I worked so hard on my metaphors
Teacher: Your metaphors stink.
Carol: Similies are more....
Teacher: Similies stink. Your writing stinks. Oh, excuse me, I forgot who I was talking to. It is repeat with stinkiocity. At least you can spell. To be honest, they can't even spell. But you spell words that nobody knows. Muculance? What in the hell is muculance?
Carol: Eh...It's ah... It's basically ... slimey glob
Teacher: Slimey glob. Call it slimey glob. People know what slimey glob is
Carol: I just felt that maybe...
Teacher: Felt is for pull tables. You start, Monday.
Carol: Thank you, but I don't think I want the job.
Mike & Ben: Come on! Undulate!
Commentator: Around the fern turn, its Nice Girl in the lead, with Undulate at the third! Its still Nice Girl a full six lengths ahead of Hedge Trimmer, with Undulate a distant third.
Maggie: Hey! Guys! Looks like Undulate's gonna be very late.
Ben: Relax! Nice Gril always strikes strong. She'll fade.
Commnetator: And Nice Girl's starting to fade.
Mike: Come on, you can do it Undulate!
Ben: Don't worry! She'll make her move on the outside, right here, Undulate!
Speakman: And moving on the outside it is Undulate! Look at her go. They're moving on the final stretch. They're neck and neck. It's nicegirl,Undulate! Nicegirl, Undulate! And at the finish it is Undulate! By a nose hair! And she'll pay at nine to one folks!
Maggie: Nine to one!
Jason: Holy cow, that's four hundred and fifty bucks.
Mike: Alright. That's Jerry calling from OTV. What do we do? Fast Bennie. we keep the four fifty or let it ride on Nail Biter in the ninth?
Jason: Guys I don't think you should quit while you are ahead
Maggie: Jason!
Jason: Maggie! It's four hundred and fifty dollars you put that in a rollover account with interest and wait. Come on. We could teach them this gambling lesson another time. Ok! Boys, I say, this is no time to stop. You know you got it. you got that touch!
Mike: Hi! Jerry, put it all on Nail Biter to win.
Maggie: Hi! Carol. How did it go with Simmonds?
Carol: Fine thank you, I got the job.
Maggie: Oh, really? Well! Congratulations, honey! That's wonderful! Carol got the job on the paper!
Carol: I turned it down!
Maggie: May I come in?
Carol: Sure!
Maggie: What are you doing?
Carol: Cleaning this garbage out of my way.
Maggie: Carol, how come you turned the job down? I mean it really seemed like you had your heart set on it.
Carol: Yeah! Well that was before I realised that there's nothing really creative about journalism. I mean all you do is regurgitate facts. If I m going to be a writer I'd rather do a novel. At least people don't train their puppies on Moby Dick!
Carol: I can understand you being angry at me for my criticism of your article.
Carol: Why should I be angry? Simmonds gave me the job!
Maggie: I know! I know. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, well, honey, it's always tricky giving criticism to someone you love. And I guess I just didn't do a very good job.
Obviously Simmonds was very happy with what you did. And I m glad that I was wrong...
Carol: NO.
Maggie: Pardon me?
Carol: I said no. Ok? Are you happy? He said everything you said, only worse. He said my article was repeat with stinkiocity.
Maggie: But you said that you got the job.
Carol: But that was only because all the other articles were repeat with stinkiocity.
Maggie: Oh, honey! I am so sorry.
Carol: he said he even didn t know what muculance was.
Maggie: Well that s just his stupidness sweatheart. Everybody knows what
muculance is.
Carol: I ll never be able to write like you.
Maggie: Oh, hold on, hold on, honey, that s just not true. That maybe you will be reaching a little. But you have great natural abilities.
Carol: You're just saying that.
Maggie: Hey, hey. Didn't I establish myself last night as someone who isn t afraid to tell the truth?
Carol: Yeah. Even if it does mean crushing a little kids ego. You really think that I might have natural ability?
Maggie: I dug this out of the attic this afternoon. Well, I thought you might like to take a look at it.
Carol: A letter I wrote from camp 5 years ago?
Maggie: Uh huh. Read it.
Carol: "Dear mum and dad,
Camp is fun, except for the rash I got when I tried to find out what poison sue looks like, except for the kids teasing anyone who is small, fat, left handed. Missing you and baby Ben, and even Mike a little, but don't tell. Bring my chemistry set and potato chips on visiting day, love, Carol."
That's not so good?
Maggie: Hey, Didn't we bring your chemistry set and your potato chips?
Carol: Yeah?
Maggie: Then you got your point across.
Carol: Yeah
Maggie: Yeah,
Carol: Yeah, I see what you are saying. But I still think it could have been better.
Maggie: What makes you say that?
Carol: Well, as I remember you brought Mike too
TV: And this is unbelievable! Coming around the final turn it's Nailbiter by 18 lengths, running a distant second is Slimsfrog, with Arnold's Dream Date at third position. And it is Nailbiter by 20 lengths. ... (Mike,Jason,& Ben's yelling)And Nailbiter is at the final pole, and he must be a full 25 lengths ahead. That horse could walk in from here!
Ben: Go on, Nailbitter!...I'll never have to work again!
TV: Oh... Ladies and gentleman, wait a minute. There s been an accident. Nailbitter has tripped and gone down. The horse is on the ground. In all my years at the track I've never seen anything like this!
Ben: Get up! get up!
Mike: Get up! Get up!
TV: A foot from the finish line! Maybe two feet. And the jockey is trying to drag the horse across the finish. This is amazing! A 94 pound man trying to drag a race horse by one leg.
Mike: Pull him! Pull him!
Jason: Come on!
TV: ...coming up from the outside is Slimsfrog! And the winner is ...Slimsfrog!
Jason: It was just......I hope you boys have learned your lesson!
Carol: Look at here, "X rays reveal that Nailbiter suffered a fractured fibular. Trainer Jim Shepherd immediately announced that his prize stallion would be put out to stud"
Ben: What's a "stud"?
Jason: Mum?
Maggie: Well, Ben, sometimes when a boy horse get hurt, they used them to get lots and lots of girl horses pregnant.
Jason: That's very good.
Mike: Ouch, ouch...
Growing Pains 103
Jason: Ok, here we go, how many for scrambled eggs?....... Ok how many for last nights liver?..... How many for scrambled eggs?
Jason: Dad, I m having some trouble with my science project
Jason: Uh hu. You need some help with it?
Jason: I need to know what it is
Jason: Well what are you studying in science?
Jason: Science stuff
Jason: OK, its a good start. Carol what did you do for your third grade science project?
Carol: Well I constructed a compound of monodychloride to polodychlorides that were capable of withstanding excessive heat and mechanical stress
Jason: Mike?
Mike: I ran tests to see how high a superbowl would bounce
Jason: Well at least we've now defined the boundaries of science
Maggie: Morning everybody Everybody: Hi
Carol: You look nice
Maggie: Thanks
Jason: You sure do
Jason: You want some eggs?
Maggie: No time. I've got this eight thirty interview on this toxic waste story. Do you realize that they are just dumping this stuff all over Long Island? It may very well be in our water, even our food.
Mike: Even in our eggs
Maggie: I'm going to be late. Bye everybody Everybody: Bye
Jason: Bye bye, see you at lunch
Maggie: Lunch?
Jason: Yeah, you were going to meet me back here for lunch.
Maggie: Oh Jason, i'm sorry. I completely forgot
Jason: No problem. So I ll see you about noon?
Maggie: Well the problem is I don't think I ll have time to come home.
Jason: It's your cooking dad. Take her out
Jason: Good idea. Listen why don't I just come by there and I ll take you out for lunch?
Maggie: Oh gee, i'm not sure what time i'll be free. I don't want you to wait around
Jason: That's no problem. It'll be fun for me. I haven't seen you in action at your office
Maggie: Well I, umm
Mike: Mum. Come on, the guys begging for a date. I don't know how much more of this I can watch
Maggie: Ok, ok
Jason: See you later
Maggie: Bye bye
Mike: Yes!
Maggie: No. No no. Mrs. Curwick, you see we suspect that East Town is giving you and your neighbours a lot of false information about whats been dumped in that reservoir. Right...right..ah hu..You see that's just what I mean. There's no such thing as chunky style water. Uh hu. For the record, good.
Maggie: Oh, just one minute
Jason: Mind if I make a call?
Maggie: Sure, right over there
Jason: I wanna place a call not launch an MX missile. Hello! This is Dr Seaver! Is Mr Anderson in please? Oh! I m sorry. I must have misdialed then. I was No, no , I don t wish to place a classified ad. Oh, I m sure that's a very good per word price, but, no I want to just try to get an outside line here. No, i'm not going to be placing the ad with anyone else. I m trying to reach a patient. Mildly schizophrenic, dellusional,illusions of grander, occasional
Maggie: Lets go with this one. Yes, yes, I ll be right with you Mrs. Curwick.. Enhe and this one.
Jason: Maggie! I think I just levelled Moscow
Maggie: Ok. I m all set here.
Jason: So, what do you wanna eat?
Fred: Hi, Mags, wanna grab some lunch?
Jason: Mags?
Maggie: Fred, I want you to meet my husband, Jason Seaver.
Fred: Oh, gees, I didn't even see you down there.
Maggie: Jason, this is Fred Mathers. Fred's the one i'm working with on the toxic waste story.
Fred: Oh! No! No! Don t get up! It's really nice to meet you!
Jason: Well, it s nice to meet you, too.
Fred: Mags has told me a lot about you.
Jason: Why didn t you tell me about Fred?
Fred: Well poor Mags is stuck with me all day. I'm sur ethe last thing she wants to do when she gets home is talk about me.
Maggie: That s not true! I told you about Fred just yesterday. Don t you remember?
Jason: Oh! Yeah! Well. I think I just picture you differently. Balder. Fatter.
Fred: Well, that s the public for you. They think we all look like Lou Grant. Thank God Mags doesn't hey Jason?
Maggie: Eh. Jason and I were jsut about to grab a bite.
Fred: Well I won't keep you. Excuse me. Oh! Mags, I will need to see you for a couple of minutes before that meeting at 2 o clock. It , It s 1:30 now.
Maggie: Oh
Jason: Well look Fred. Why don t you just join us for lunch?
Fred: Oh no I don't want to....
Jason: No, no, I insist. You two have work to do together.
Fred: It s very nice of you, Jason. Mags, I didn t tell you. Two of these goons tried to muscle me when I was in East Town.
Jason: Must have been some big goons.
Mike: Come on, Carol, why can t you just write this essay for me?
Carol: Because it s your assignment
Mike: Yeah but you'd do a better job, I mean, look, you re standing on principle and the result is that the essay suffers. And do you really want that on your conscience?
Carol: That s a private hell I choose to live within.
Jason: Maggie? Thought I heard a car door slam?
Mike: No. You know, Dad no matter how many times I ask neighbours to please climb out of their windows, they insist on using those doors.
Jason: Don t be a wise guy, Mike. Carol, what time does your watch say?
Carol: En, ten o three. Why? Is yours broken?
Jason: No, no, It says ten o two. Just thought it might have stopped
Mike: Apparently it did Dad. But it sounds like you've nipped it in the bud.
Jason: Maggie! Fred! Hi! Yeah! No, I'll have her call you right away! Ok, You too. Bye, Bye!
Carol: Fred?
Jason: Yeah! Fred is the guy your mother s working on that toxic waste story with. Seems like a nice guy. Very nice. Darn nice.
Carol and Mike: Oooh!
Jason: Will you guys act your age?
Carol and Mike: Ooooh!
Maggie: Hi! Everybody!
M&C: Hi! Mom!
Jason: Maggie! I didn't even hear your car door slam.
Maggie: Well, eh, I ll try and do it louder next time. Well guys, how re things going? What did you do today?
Mike: Well, I went
Jason: Nothing! They re children. They have boring uneventful lives. How was your day? Tell us about that story.
Maggie: I m sorry our lunch got turned into a work session.
Jason:You re kidding. That was great for me. That was shocking for me to discover how little I knew about sludge. What about the East Town dump?
Maggie: Oh, honey! I am really bushed. I d rather not even think about that stuff for a while. Ok?
Jason: Ok! Sure!
Mike: Oh, Dad. Don t forget to tell her Fred just called.
Maggie: Oh! Fred called? Oh good. I need to talk to him. We're going to break that story tomorrow if it means working through the night. Oh, I just cannot wait to nail those creeps.
Maggie: Fred? Hi. Ah, you're kidding?
Jason: So how did everyone enjoy my first forein in the wonderful world of pancakes?
Mike: Dad, beat the heck out of your forein in the wonderful world of liver.
Jason: Dad, did they have Science Projects when you were in third grade?
Mike: Ben, when Dad was in the third grade they didn t have science. In fact when Dad was in the third grade, they didn t HAVE the third grade.
Jason: Mike, they say the sense of humour is the final stage of child develpoment. You ought to feel it coming on any time now.Yes, Ben, I did a wonderful project in third grade. I grew mould on bread.
Jason: On purpose?
Jason: Yes. Yes. I determined that mould( would grow faster on white bread than on pumpernickel
Jason: I think I should strike out in new directions.
Jason: Well, What you really have to do is find something that interests you and that way the project will teach you the most.
Carol: The ride's here. Bye! Mom!
Maggie: Bye! Sweetie. Have a good day!
Mike: Bye mom. Nice talking to you. You look good again.
Maggie: Thanks. Looking good yourself.
Mike: Oh, yeah, you know. Been cutting down on the beer.
Jason: Me too.
Maggie: I'm outta hear too. Oh remember Fred and I will probably be working late again late tonight.
Jason: So, what time you think you'll be home?
Maggie: Well, it s hard to
Jason: To estimate!
Maggie: Oh, I don t know. Between 9 and 11. Might say.
Jason: You call that an estimate? No an estimate is 9:05 9:06.
Maggie: Ok. Let s say between 10 and 10:15?
Jason: Well which one? 10 or 10:15?
Maggie: I don t know Jason. It s only 15 minutes.
Jason: It s only 15 minutes? Mag a lot can happen in 15 minutes. The Titanic sunk in 15 minutes. Charlton Heston Picked up 10 commandments in 15 minutes. Our first child was conceived in 15 minutes. Tops!
Maggie: Jason. Are you jealous?
Jason: Jealous? Of what?
Maggie: Of me and Fred you know, working late
Jason: Of you and ? That s a comical farce.
Maggie: Jason, you re jealous!
Jason: Oh, no, I m not jealous! I m a psychiatrist. I m also a man with a hightened degree of selfawareness.
And for that reason, I can admit to a certain sense of loss over the fact you now share things with a professional colleague. Until 10 or 11 at night. Things you and I are unable to share. But I hasten to add that I would feel exactly the same way if your colleague were a woman.
Maggie: Well, You are probably right.
Jason: But that s not probably about it, Meg. Analysing people s motivation is what I do for a living. I m not sexually jealous. I have far too much faith in you to ever be sexually jealous. And I would appreciate it if you had the same faith ofme.
Maggie: I m sorry, Jason. I was just kidding. Forgive me?
Jason: Well, ok!
Maggie: Ok? I ll see you later! Good
Jason: So what time you think you'll be home?
Carol: Mike! Cut it out!
Mike: What! I wasn t doing anything!
Hason: Mike! Stop bothering your sister.
Mike: Dad, what s another word for election?
Carol: Plebicite
Mike: I didn t ask you! I asked Dad.
Carol: What s the difference?
Mike: The difference is I don t wanna know from you!
Carol: Sorry!
Mike: How do you spell it?
Carol: Why should I tell you how to spell it?
Mike: Because I asked you.
Carol: I thought you didn t want to know things from me.
Mike: What are you, a lawyer? I mean Im trying to do you a favour here by finding a use for your brain. I don't know why you turn on me like a wild dog?
Carol: Cut it out.
Jason: Female subject grabs wrist at third clip.
Mike: You do that again and I'll kill you.
Jason: Male subject threatens death after first clip.
Jason: Ben, what are you doing?
Jason: It's my science project. I'm testing to see how long it takes certain people to response to certain stimuli.
Jason: Well, it's not a good science project, so stop it.
Jason: But you told me to do something that interests me. Mike and Carol interest me more than mould.
Jason: That's a touching sentiment, Ben. Now, cut it out.
Jason: What's with him?
Mike: He doesn't like you. He never has. Hey, Dad, when's mom coming home?
Jason: Do I look like a Gene Dickson Mike? Your mother's a working adult. And when she s finished working, she will come home.
Jason: I wish she'd get here cos she thinks of great science projetcs
Jason: She does?
Jason: Last year she picked tadpoles.
Jason: Well that's it then!
Jason: I can't do tadpoles again. They keep these things on file.
Jason: No, I mean your mother. We should be asking your mother what to do. I think I'll go down to that newspaper office right now and ask her.
Mike: Dad, why don t you just call her?
Jason: Obviously you haven't seen the PHONES they have down there. Believe me it will be a lot simpler in this way.
Carol: Won't that be bothering her, dad?
Jason: Absolutely not. No, no, your mother wants to be involved in these decision. Besides, I don't like the idea of her being down at the office this late at night all by herself.
Carol: She's not all by herself. Fred's with her.
Jason: Even so.
Maggie: Fred, who's that?
Fred: I don't know. The janitor?
Maggie: No one who cleans for a living would press his nose against glass.
Fred: Bet it's one of those goons from the East Town dump site.
Maggie: Oh, I'll call the police.
Jason: Wuuh!
Fred: Jason!
Maggie: Jason?
Fred: You are all right?
Maggie: Oh! Honey?
Fred: I'm sorry.
Maggie: Sit down.
Jason: No, no I'm fine.Of course my nose stopped the door before it could hit my face.
Maggie: Jason, what are you doing here?
Jason: What am I doing here? It s about Ben.
Maggie: Jason, what's it, is it serious?
Jason: Oh, of course, it's serious. I wouldn t come down here if it wasn't serious, would I? I don't know what to do with the boy. Maggie, he's got ba...ba...bad attitude about mould and it s just not ethical for him to do tadpoles again
Fred: Excuse me. This sounds personal.
Maggie: You came down here to check out upon me, didn't you?
Jason: Oh, oh, that's great, that's just great.I come down to discuss the welfare of our youngest son, our baby if you will? And you twist it into something sordid. I have a good mind I should just turn around and walk out of here right now.
Maggie: I don't believe this. I mean you thought, you actually thought there was something going on between me and Fred.
Jason:Aha.I can't even dignify that with a response.You like him better than me, don't you?
Maggie: Jason!
Jason: Oh, Maggie. Admit it. I'm not a complete idiot. "Maggie, you wanna eat eggs? " "no time";"Maggie, how about we meet for lunch?""Oh, I completely forgot";"Maggie, how's your day today""I don't wanna talk about it at all";"Fred called?""Oh, I have time to talk to him!"
Maggie: Oh, Jason...
Jason: Don't "Jason" me, Maggie! And I've also been watching the way you are dressing lately. And now I understand. It's because when he looks at you, he looks at you as if you...,as if you were a woman.
Maggie: Yes, you know, and at first, I couldn't figure that out, and then it dawned on me: I AM a woman!
Jason: So you admit it? You're into this Maggie. You enjoy it.
Maggie: Yes, I enjoy it. People find me interesting that makes me feel good. What's wrong with that?
Jason: Oh, What's wrong with it is that you're putting your husband through a living hell. And Maggie, I would never do that to you!
Maggie: Ah!
Jason: What do you mean "Ah"?
Maggie: "Ah" means I spent 15 years in sweat pants cleaning toilets while you went down to your office in your sexy psychiatrist sweater and your sexy psychiatrist jacket...
Jason: But my jacket aren't sexy, Maggie. They are tweed.
Maggie: Women die for tweed.
Jason: I don't have any control over that.
Maggie: And how many nights did I spend watching your brocolli go limp, while I was waiting for you to come home?
Jason: I was fighting traffic Maggie.
Maggie: Yeah, with that brilliant young psychiatrist in your car pool.
Jason: Dr.Rosen Bloom?
Maggie:Dr. Jeniffer Rosen Bloom who as I noticed, always managing to ride in the front seat next to you
Jason: Maggie, she had very long legs!
Maggie: Well, that's a relief. I hope leg room wasn't a problem when the two of you jetted off to Chicago for that psychiatric convention.
Jason: We were writing a paper together, Maggie.
Maggie: Yes, I remember it "Human Sexual and inhibitions: Use Them Or Lose Them".
Jason: Maggie, that was strictly a professional relationship!
Maggie: What do you think this is?
Jason: Was that a rhetorical question?
Maggie:Waiting for someone else to come home all the time is hard Jason. But you get better at it.
Jason: I hope so. Suddenly I feel very silly.
Maggie: "silly" is a strong word. Not entirely inappropriate, but strong. Jason, I love you, I could never cheat on you.
Jason: Yeah.
Maggie:Yeah.
Jason: Well, thank you.
Maggie: You are welcome...caterpillars!
Jason: What?
Maggie: It's obvious Ben should do caterpillars!
Jason: Oh now that's a great idea!
Maggie: Thanks.
Jason: It's a good thing I came down here tonight.
Jason: So how's Ben doing with his caterpillars?
Carol: Somebody else was already doing caterpillars. Ben had to think of a new project
Jason: A new project? Please. Pretty good.
Mike: It's yum!
Jason: Hey! Where's my mould experiment?
Jason: Dad, I m having some trouble with my science project
Jason: Uh hu. You need some help with it?
Jason: I need to know what it is
Jason: Well what are you studying in science?
Jason: Science stuff
Jason: OK, its a good start. Carol what did you do for your third grade science project?
Carol: Well I constructed a compound of monodychloride to polodychlorides that were capable of withstanding excessive heat and mechanical stress
Jason: Mike?
Mike: I ran tests to see how high a superbowl would bounce
Jason: Well at least we've now defined the boundaries of science
Maggie: Morning everybody Everybody: Hi
Carol: You look nice
Maggie: Thanks
Jason: You sure do
Jason: You want some eggs?
Maggie: No time. I've got this eight thirty interview on this toxic waste story. Do you realize that they are just dumping this stuff all over Long Island? It may very well be in our water, even our food.
Mike: Even in our eggs
Maggie: I'm going to be late. Bye everybody Everybody: Bye
Jason: Bye bye, see you at lunch
Maggie: Lunch?
Jason: Yeah, you were going to meet me back here for lunch.
Maggie: Oh Jason, i'm sorry. I completely forgot
Jason: No problem. So I ll see you about noon?
Maggie: Well the problem is I don't think I ll have time to come home.
Jason: It's your cooking dad. Take her out
Jason: Good idea. Listen why don't I just come by there and I ll take you out for lunch?
Maggie: Oh gee, i'm not sure what time i'll be free. I don't want you to wait around
Jason: That's no problem. It'll be fun for me. I haven't seen you in action at your office
Maggie: Well I, umm
Mike: Mum. Come on, the guys begging for a date. I don't know how much more of this I can watch
Maggie: Ok, ok
Jason: See you later
Maggie: Bye bye
Mike: Yes!
Maggie: No. No no. Mrs. Curwick, you see we suspect that East Town is giving you and your neighbours a lot of false information about whats been dumped in that reservoir. Right...right..ah hu..You see that's just what I mean. There's no such thing as chunky style water. Uh hu. For the record, good.
Maggie: Oh, just one minute
Jason: Mind if I make a call?
Maggie: Sure, right over there
Jason: I wanna place a call not launch an MX missile. Hello! This is Dr Seaver! Is Mr Anderson in please? Oh! I m sorry. I must have misdialed then. I was No, no , I don t wish to place a classified ad. Oh, I m sure that's a very good per word price, but, no I want to just try to get an outside line here. No, i'm not going to be placing the ad with anyone else. I m trying to reach a patient. Mildly schizophrenic, dellusional,illusions of grander, occasional
Maggie: Lets go with this one. Yes, yes, I ll be right with you Mrs. Curwick.. Enhe and this one.
Jason: Maggie! I think I just levelled Moscow
Maggie: Ok. I m all set here.
Jason: So, what do you wanna eat?
Fred: Hi, Mags, wanna grab some lunch?
Jason: Mags?
Maggie: Fred, I want you to meet my husband, Jason Seaver.
Fred: Oh, gees, I didn't even see you down there.
Maggie: Jason, this is Fred Mathers. Fred's the one i'm working with on the toxic waste story.
Fred: Oh! No! No! Don t get up! It's really nice to meet you!
Jason: Well, it s nice to meet you, too.
Fred: Mags has told me a lot about you.
Jason: Why didn t you tell me about Fred?
Fred: Well poor Mags is stuck with me all day. I'm sur ethe last thing she wants to do when she gets home is talk about me.
Maggie: That s not true! I told you about Fred just yesterday. Don t you remember?
Jason: Oh! Yeah! Well. I think I just picture you differently. Balder. Fatter.
Fred: Well, that s the public for you. They think we all look like Lou Grant. Thank God Mags doesn't hey Jason?
Maggie: Eh. Jason and I were jsut about to grab a bite.
Fred: Well I won't keep you. Excuse me. Oh! Mags, I will need to see you for a couple of minutes before that meeting at 2 o clock. It , It s 1:30 now.
Maggie: Oh
Jason: Well look Fred. Why don t you just join us for lunch?
Fred: Oh no I don't want to....
Jason: No, no, I insist. You two have work to do together.
Fred: It s very nice of you, Jason. Mags, I didn t tell you. Two of these goons tried to muscle me when I was in East Town.
Jason: Must have been some big goons.
Mike: Come on, Carol, why can t you just write this essay for me?
Carol: Because it s your assignment
Mike: Yeah but you'd do a better job, I mean, look, you re standing on principle and the result is that the essay suffers. And do you really want that on your conscience?
Carol: That s a private hell I choose to live within.
Jason: Maggie? Thought I heard a car door slam?
Mike: No. You know, Dad no matter how many times I ask neighbours to please climb out of their windows, they insist on using those doors.
Jason: Don t be a wise guy, Mike. Carol, what time does your watch say?
Carol: En, ten o three. Why? Is yours broken?
Jason: No, no, It says ten o two. Just thought it might have stopped
Mike: Apparently it did Dad. But it sounds like you've nipped it in the bud.
Jason: Maggie! Fred! Hi! Yeah! No, I'll have her call you right away! Ok, You too. Bye, Bye!
Carol: Fred?
Jason: Yeah! Fred is the guy your mother s working on that toxic waste story with. Seems like a nice guy. Very nice. Darn nice.
Carol and Mike: Oooh!
Jason: Will you guys act your age?
Carol and Mike: Ooooh!
Maggie: Hi! Everybody!
M&C: Hi! Mom!
Jason: Maggie! I didn't even hear your car door slam.
Maggie: Well, eh, I ll try and do it louder next time. Well guys, how re things going? What did you do today?
Mike: Well, I went
Jason: Nothing! They re children. They have boring uneventful lives. How was your day? Tell us about that story.
Maggie: I m sorry our lunch got turned into a work session.
Jason:You re kidding. That was great for me. That was shocking for me to discover how little I knew about sludge. What about the East Town dump?
Maggie: Oh, honey! I am really bushed. I d rather not even think about that stuff for a while. Ok?
Jason: Ok! Sure!
Mike: Oh, Dad. Don t forget to tell her Fred just called.
Maggie: Oh! Fred called? Oh good. I need to talk to him. We're going to break that story tomorrow if it means working through the night. Oh, I just cannot wait to nail those creeps.
Maggie: Fred? Hi. Ah, you're kidding?
Jason: So how did everyone enjoy my first forein in the wonderful world of pancakes?
Mike: Dad, beat the heck out of your forein in the wonderful world of liver.
Jason: Dad, did they have Science Projects when you were in third grade?
Mike: Ben, when Dad was in the third grade they didn t have science. In fact when Dad was in the third grade, they didn t HAVE the third grade.
Jason: Mike, they say the sense of humour is the final stage of child develpoment. You ought to feel it coming on any time now.Yes, Ben, I did a wonderful project in third grade. I grew mould on bread.
Jason: On purpose?
Jason: Yes. Yes. I determined that mould( would grow faster on white bread than on pumpernickel
Jason: I think I should strike out in new directions.
Jason: Well, What you really have to do is find something that interests you and that way the project will teach you the most.
Carol: The ride's here. Bye! Mom!
Maggie: Bye! Sweetie. Have a good day!
Mike: Bye mom. Nice talking to you. You look good again.
Maggie: Thanks. Looking good yourself.
Mike: Oh, yeah, you know. Been cutting down on the beer.
Jason: Me too.
Maggie: I'm outta hear too. Oh remember Fred and I will probably be working late again late tonight.
Jason: So, what time you think you'll be home?
Maggie: Well, it s hard to
Jason: To estimate!
Maggie: Oh, I don t know. Between 9 and 11. Might say.
Jason: You call that an estimate? No an estimate is 9:05 9:06.
Maggie: Ok. Let s say between 10 and 10:15?
Jason: Well which one? 10 or 10:15?
Maggie: I don t know Jason. It s only 15 minutes.
Jason: It s only 15 minutes? Mag a lot can happen in 15 minutes. The Titanic sunk in 15 minutes. Charlton Heston Picked up 10 commandments in 15 minutes. Our first child was conceived in 15 minutes. Tops!
Maggie: Jason. Are you jealous?
Jason: Jealous? Of what?
Maggie: Of me and Fred you know, working late
Jason: Of you and ? That s a comical farce.
Maggie: Jason, you re jealous!
Jason: Oh, no, I m not jealous! I m a psychiatrist. I m also a man with a hightened degree of selfawareness.
And for that reason, I can admit to a certain sense of loss over the fact you now share things with a professional colleague. Until 10 or 11 at night. Things you and I are unable to share. But I hasten to add that I would feel exactly the same way if your colleague were a woman.
Maggie: Well, You are probably right.
Jason: But that s not probably about it, Meg. Analysing people s motivation is what I do for a living. I m not sexually jealous. I have far too much faith in you to ever be sexually jealous. And I would appreciate it if you had the same faith ofme.
Maggie: I m sorry, Jason. I was just kidding. Forgive me?
Jason: Well, ok!
Maggie: Ok? I ll see you later! Good
Jason: So what time you think you'll be home?
Carol: Mike! Cut it out!
Mike: What! I wasn t doing anything!
Hason: Mike! Stop bothering your sister.
Mike: Dad, what s another word for election?
Carol: Plebicite
Mike: I didn t ask you! I asked Dad.
Carol: What s the difference?
Mike: The difference is I don t wanna know from you!
Carol: Sorry!
Mike: How do you spell it?
Carol: Why should I tell you how to spell it?
Mike: Because I asked you.
Carol: I thought you didn t want to know things from me.
Mike: What are you, a lawyer? I mean Im trying to do you a favour here by finding a use for your brain. I don't know why you turn on me like a wild dog?
Carol: Cut it out.
Jason: Female subject grabs wrist at third clip.
Mike: You do that again and I'll kill you.
Jason: Male subject threatens death after first clip.
Jason: Ben, what are you doing?
Jason: It's my science project. I'm testing to see how long it takes certain people to response to certain stimuli.
Jason: Well, it's not a good science project, so stop it.
Jason: But you told me to do something that interests me. Mike and Carol interest me more than mould.
Jason: That's a touching sentiment, Ben. Now, cut it out.
Jason: What's with him?
Mike: He doesn't like you. He never has. Hey, Dad, when's mom coming home?
Jason: Do I look like a Gene Dickson Mike? Your mother's a working adult. And when she s finished working, she will come home.
Jason: I wish she'd get here cos she thinks of great science projetcs
Jason: She does?
Jason: Last year she picked tadpoles.
Jason: Well that's it then!
Jason: I can't do tadpoles again. They keep these things on file.
Jason: No, I mean your mother. We should be asking your mother what to do. I think I'll go down to that newspaper office right now and ask her.
Mike: Dad, why don t you just call her?
Jason: Obviously you haven't seen the PHONES they have down there. Believe me it will be a lot simpler in this way.
Carol: Won't that be bothering her, dad?
Jason: Absolutely not. No, no, your mother wants to be involved in these decision. Besides, I don't like the idea of her being down at the office this late at night all by herself.
Carol: She's not all by herself. Fred's with her.
Jason: Even so.
Maggie: Fred, who's that?
Fred: I don't know. The janitor?
Maggie: No one who cleans for a living would press his nose against glass.
Fred: Bet it's one of those goons from the East Town dump site.
Maggie: Oh, I'll call the police.
Jason: Wuuh!
Fred: Jason!
Maggie: Jason?
Fred: You are all right?
Maggie: Oh! Honey?
Fred: I'm sorry.
Maggie: Sit down.
Jason: No, no I'm fine.Of course my nose stopped the door before it could hit my face.
Maggie: Jason, what are you doing here?
Jason: What am I doing here? It s about Ben.
Maggie: Jason, what's it, is it serious?
Jason: Oh, of course, it's serious. I wouldn t come down here if it wasn't serious, would I? I don't know what to do with the boy. Maggie, he's got ba...ba...bad attitude about mould and it s just not ethical for him to do tadpoles again
Fred: Excuse me. This sounds personal.
Maggie: You came down here to check out upon me, didn't you?
Jason: Oh, oh, that's great, that's just great.I come down to discuss the welfare of our youngest son, our baby if you will? And you twist it into something sordid. I have a good mind I should just turn around and walk out of here right now.
Maggie: I don't believe this. I mean you thought, you actually thought there was something going on between me and Fred.
Jason:Aha.I can't even dignify that with a response.You like him better than me, don't you?
Maggie: Jason!
Jason: Oh, Maggie. Admit it. I'm not a complete idiot. "Maggie, you wanna eat eggs? " "no time";"Maggie, how about we meet for lunch?""Oh, I completely forgot";"Maggie, how's your day today""I don't wanna talk about it at all";"Fred called?""Oh, I have time to talk to him!"
Maggie: Oh, Jason...
Jason: Don't "Jason" me, Maggie! And I've also been watching the way you are dressing lately. And now I understand. It's because when he looks at you, he looks at you as if you...,as if you were a woman.
Maggie: Yes, you know, and at first, I couldn't figure that out, and then it dawned on me: I AM a woman!
Jason: So you admit it? You're into this Maggie. You enjoy it.
Maggie: Yes, I enjoy it. People find me interesting that makes me feel good. What's wrong with that?
Jason: Oh, What's wrong with it is that you're putting your husband through a living hell. And Maggie, I would never do that to you!
Maggie: Ah!
Jason: What do you mean "Ah"?
Maggie: "Ah" means I spent 15 years in sweat pants cleaning toilets while you went down to your office in your sexy psychiatrist sweater and your sexy psychiatrist jacket...
Jason: But my jacket aren't sexy, Maggie. They are tweed.
Maggie: Women die for tweed.
Jason: I don't have any control over that.
Maggie: And how many nights did I spend watching your brocolli go limp, while I was waiting for you to come home?
Jason: I was fighting traffic Maggie.
Maggie: Yeah, with that brilliant young psychiatrist in your car pool.
Jason: Dr.Rosen Bloom?
Maggie:Dr. Jeniffer Rosen Bloom who as I noticed, always managing to ride in the front seat next to you
Jason: Maggie, she had very long legs!
Maggie: Well, that's a relief. I hope leg room wasn't a problem when the two of you jetted off to Chicago for that psychiatric convention.
Jason: We were writing a paper together, Maggie.
Maggie: Yes, I remember it "Human Sexual and inhibitions: Use Them Or Lose Them".
Jason: Maggie, that was strictly a professional relationship!
Maggie: What do you think this is?
Jason: Was that a rhetorical question?
Maggie:Waiting for someone else to come home all the time is hard Jason. But you get better at it.
Jason: I hope so. Suddenly I feel very silly.
Maggie: "silly" is a strong word. Not entirely inappropriate, but strong. Jason, I love you, I could never cheat on you.
Jason: Yeah.
Maggie:Yeah.
Jason: Well, thank you.
Maggie: You are welcome...caterpillars!
Jason: What?
Maggie: It's obvious Ben should do caterpillars!
Jason: Oh now that's a great idea!
Maggie: Thanks.
Jason: It's a good thing I came down here tonight.
Jason: So how's Ben doing with his caterpillars?
Carol: Somebody else was already doing caterpillars. Ben had to think of a new project
Jason: A new project? Please. Pretty good.
Mike: It's yum!
Jason: Hey! Where's my mould experiment?
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