S1-E08 - Christmas Episode

Written by Fran Drescher & Peter Marc Jacobson

Directed by Lee Shallat

Executive Producers
Robert Sternin & Prudence Fraser

Final Draft December 1, 1993

Show #108

COLD OPENING

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

NILES IS DECORATING THE STAIRCASE WITH CRANBERRY STRINGS AND GARLAND. FRAN AND
THE KIDS ENTER FROM OUTSIDE, DRESSED IN ICE-SKATING OUTFITS. THE CHILDREN CARRY
THEIR SKATES. FRAN MUNCHES ON A BAG OF CHESTNUTS. THEY HANG THEIR COATS IN THE
ENTRY HALL CLOSET.

FRAN: Okay kids, run upstairs, hang up your skates, and don’t forget to put
those wet clothes in the hamper.

MAGGIE AND BRIGHTON EXIT UPSTAIRS.

NILES: No wet clothes for you, Miss Fine?

FRAN: I didn’t fall.

GRACE: She didn’t skate..

GRACE EXITS UP STAIRS, TOO.

NILES: And yet, such a lovely ensemble.

FRAN: Hey, you should see what I wear when I don’t play tennis. (THEN, NOTICING
DECORATIONS) Oh, cranberries on a string. Who started that tradition?

NILES: Probably Ocean Spray.

FRAN: Niles you old Scrooge. Get into the spirit.

NILES: Spoken by one who doesn’t have to clean it all up.

FRAN: That’s the thing about Chanukka. Eight candles and a Menorah. No muss, no
fuss.

NILES: Is it too late to convert?

FRAN: Never. We’ll give you a bar mitzvah, and of course, a circumcision –

NILES: Suddenly I’m filled with the spirit of Christmas.

FADE OUT.



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

EST. MUSIC: TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

MAXWELL IS DIRECTING FROM A CHAIR HOW THE CHRISTMAS TREE GETS TRIMMED. NILES
STRINGS THE LIGHTS. THE CHILDREN AND FRAN HAVE FORMED AN ASSEMBLY-LINE TO UNWRAP
ORNAMENTS. FRAN IS HUMMING ALONG WITH THE MUSIC FROM THE STEREO.

FX: FIRE IN THE FIREPLACE

FRAN: My first real Christmas tree. I’m so excited.

FRAN BEGINS TO PLACE TINSEL ON THE TREE.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine, what on earth are you doing?

FRAN: I’m puttin’ on a tinsel.

BRIGHTON: (MOCK SHOCK) Not before the lights.

FRAN: Oh, is that a faux pas?

MAGGIE: Lights first, ornaments second, tinsel, always last.

MAXWELL: But just a whisper.

GRACE: Father’s very anal about his tree trimming.

FRAN: One year we begged my mother for a Christmas tree. She called it a
Chanukka Bush. P.S., the candles from the Menorah set the flocking on fire and
the fumes put my father in the emergency room.

MAXWELL: A variation on the burning bush classic.

FRAN: Well, my mother took the whole thing as a sign from God, and from then on
we spent every Christmas at the Fountain Bleu in Miami. To this day I can’t get
a whiff of Bain de Soleil without havin’ a yen for eggnog.

NILES: Sir…

MAXWELL: Ready, everyone? Three, two, one!

MAXWELL PLUGS IN THE LIGHTS, ILLUMINATING THE TREE.

ALL: Ooh!

MAXWELL: Niles, I thought we agreed on twinkling lights.

NILES: Here.

NILES TAKES THE PLUG FROM HIM AND PULLS IT OUT, CAUSING THE LIGHTS TO GO OUT. HE
THEN PUSHES THE PLUG BACK IN. THE LIGHTS GO ON AGAIN. HE REPEATS THIS SEVERAL
TIMES.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine, I realize it’s a holiday and a bit of an imposition, but is
it at all possible for you to work on Christmas day?

FRAN: Are you kidding? To be a part of a real Christmas? It’s a dream come true.
I bet Niles makes a great razzleberry dressing.

MAXWELL: Razzle what?

FRAN: (A LA TINY TIM) And razzleberry dressing… (THEN, OFF MAXWELL’S LOOK) What,
you never saw Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol? Uch, and you’re in the theater.

MAXWELL: Precisely, which is why I need you to work Christmas day. I’ll be in
D.C. producing a benefit at the Kennedy Center.

FRAN: You won’t be home for Christmas?

GRACE: He’s never home for Christmas.

MAXWELL: Grace, we’ve been through all this. We’re raising money for children
who aren’t as fortunate as we are.

BRIGHTON: (SOTTO, TO GRACE) Yeah, but keep laying in the guilt, we’ll get better
presents.

MAXWELL: We’re not canceling it altogether. We’ll simply celebrate it a day
early.

MAXWELL EXITS.


FRAN: He’s moving Christmas? You can do that?

NILES: They do it for Washington’s birthday.

NILES EXITS

FRAN: You go to all that trouble fathering a country, and before you know it,
you’re sharing the third Monday in February with Lincoln and a white sale.

GRACE: He’s never home on Lincoln’s Birthday either.

FRAN: Guess we’re on our own for Christmas. So, let’s write our letters to
Santa.

GRACE: Isn’t that cute. She still believes in Santa.

FRAN: I believe in anyone who delivers.

BRIGHTON: Well, we believe in Edna.

FRAN: Edna Claus? Would that be the missus?

MAGGIE: No, she’s Dad’s personal shopper. She buys all our gifts.

FRAN: So what you’re saying is, you give your list to Edna, and she gives it to
Santa.

GRACE: Fran, please, I wasn’t born yesterday.

MAGGIE: Fran, it’s better this way. When she believed in him, she drove herself
crazy.

BRIGHTON: Crazier. She thought Santa was always watching her. Was she naughty?
Was she nice?

GRACE: Plus, he had me on some list and he was checking it twice.

FRAN: (EXASPERATED) Gracie, chill out, he’s Santa, not Joe McCarthy. If you did
believe in Santa, what would you want him to bring you?

GRACE: Daddy for Christmas.

FRAN: How about a nice “Easy Bake” oven?

GRACE AND THE KIDS AREN’T CHEERED.

FRAN (CONT’D): Alright, wait here.

FRAN EXITS TO HALLWAY.

RESET TO:

INT. HALLWAY – A MOMENT LATER

FRAN ENCOUNTERS NILES IN THE HALLWAY.

FRAN: Uch, Niles, these poor kids are real grinches, and that Gracie’s the
anti-Claus. I gotta talk to Mr. Sheffield.

NILES: Well, I hope you’re not going to upset him, he’s writing out the staff
Christmas bonuses.

FRAN: How do you know?

NILES: Well, did you think the keyholes polished themselves?

FRAN: So the Nanny gets a Christmas bonus, too? Oh, that’s great news, ‘cause I
want to buy each of the kids something fabulous, but have you seen the price of
fabulous now a days?

NILES: Please. I can’t even afford wonderful. Fortunately, Mr. Sheffield is
usually very generous.

FRAN: Well, if he thinks a check is gonna make up for his not being here…

NILES: Four figures, Miss Fine.

FRAN: Glory to the new born king.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. LIBRARY – LATER

MAXWELL IS WRITING CHECKS. C.C. STANDS NEARBY.

C.C.: Oh Maxwell, look what I’m standing under… is that mistletoe?

MAXWELL: (TEASING) I’m not sure. It looks rather more like holly.

C.C.: It’s mistletoe. And I believe tradition calls for a kiss.

FRAN ENTERS..

FRAN: Alright.

SHE GIVES HER A KISS ON THE CHEEK.

C.C.: (WIPING HER FACE) Merry Christmas Nanny Fine.

FRAN: Whoops I got some lipstick on ya cheek…

C.C.: Oh for heaven’s sake.

FRAN: Meanwhile that shade looks gorgeous on you. Do you really have to go outta
town for Christmas?

C.C.: Yes, he does.

FRAN: (TO MAXWELL) I love the way you throw your voice like that.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine, I have to be there.

C.C.: It’s a very important benefit. We’re raising money for the… Who are we
raising money for? The poor, right?

MAXWELL AND FRAN GIVE HER A LOOK.

MAXWELL: I’d love to spend Christmas day with the family, but I just can’t.

C.C.: We can’t.

FRAN: You’re going, too?

C.C.: (SMILING) Uh-huh.

MAXWELL: (QUICKLY) And we’ll be working the entire time.

C.C.: Well, I think we’ll have time for dinners…

MAXWELL: No, no dinner. The only reason I’m going away with Miss Babcock is for
charity.

C.C.: Thank you, Maxwell.

MAXWELL: Well, you know what I mean.

C.C.: No, no I don’t.

MAXWELL: Was there anything else, Miss Fine?

FRAN : Far be it from me to tell ya’ how to do Christmas, but you’re doing it
all wrong. The father’s going away, kids don’t believe in Santa, and I haven’t
seen one stinkin’ partridge in a pear tree.

MAXWELL: Well, that’s why we’re moving it up a day. And I really want to make it
special. So I’ve told my personal shopper to go all out.

FRAN: That’s another thing. This woman doesn’t know our kids. A personal shopper
is so impersonal. Although, not a bad career choice.

C.C.: I’ve got an idea. During those many hours when the children are in school…


FRAN: Yeah…

C.C.: And you basically have nothing to do.

FRAN: I fill my days.

C.C.: Why don’t you get their gifts?

MAXWELL: That’s not the worst idea. You would know what they want.

FRAN: Don’t you want to pick out your own presents? If it were me, I’d much
rather get something you picked out yourself. Believe me, a gift from the heart
means so much more.

MAXWELL: (GETTING INTO IT) Well, I suppose I could find some time to pop into
F.A.O. Schwarz. But what do they want?

FRAN: Trust me, whatever you pick out they will love and cherish forever. (BEAT)
Just make sure it’s returnable.

FRAN EXITS.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

INT. VESTIBULE/LIVING ROOM – A FEW DAYS LATER

FRAN AND VAL ENTER, LOADED WITH SHOPPING BAGS, ETC. MAXWELL CAN BE SEEN
ATTEMPTING TO ASSEMBLE A BICYCLE. NILES STANDS BY READY TO ASSIST.

FX: SNOW FALLING

FRAN: I got such great stocking-stuffers for the kids.

VAL: Are you putting up a stocking?

FRAN: I figured I’d hang up my pantyhose, that way I’ll get double.

THEY CROSS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

FRAN: Hiya, Mr. Sheffield.

MAXWELL: Hello ladies.

FRAN: Ooh, looks like we’re not the only ones who went shopping.

MAXWELL: Oh, yes. We had a wonderful time. Children laughing, people passing,
meeting smile after smile.

NILES: He’s been doing that all day.

MAXWELL: Admit it, old man, we had fun.

NILES: Only when you let me ride in the cart.

MAXWELL: (TO FRAN) So what do you think of Brighton’s bicycle.

FRAN: Who designed it, Picasso?

MAXWELL: It isn’t finished yet. The salesman said serious cyclers build their
equipment themselves.

NILES: Oh, they saw him coming.

FRAN: Well, if ya’ need a few pointers, Val’s very mechanical…

Val: (MODESTLY) I’m a plumber’s daughter.

MAXWELL: I’m a grown man, I’m sure I am perfectly capable of assembling a
child’s bicycle.

FRAN: May the testosterone be with you.

MAXWELL: Niles, I need a Phillips Head screwdriver.

NILES PASSES THE SCREWDRIVER TO MAXWELL LIKE A SURGEON’S ASSISTANT WOULD.

NILES: Phillips Head, sir.

MAXWELL: Niles, this is not a Phillips Head. (TO VAL) Is it?

VAL: (EXAMING IT CLOSELY) No.

NILES: Who was this Phillip anyway?

FRAN: And what must his head have looked like?

MAXWELL: If you want something done, you have to do it yourself. (BEAT) Val?

MAXWELL AND VAL EXIT. NILES BEGINS STRINGING POPCORN.

FRAN: Look at this gorgeous sweater for Maggie. I got great stuff for everyone.
You think Brighton likes Aramis?

NILES: What happened? Did you win the lottery?

FRAN: I wish. More like rubber checks. Relax. I’m not gonna let them bounce.
Tomorrow I get my Christmas bonus, Saturday and Sunday the banks are closed.
Monday I make an instant deposit, and I’ve done my part to stimulate the
economy.

NILES: Don’t you have a credit card?

FRAN: Not since my little run-in with Edward Scissorhands at Macy’s.

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

INT. LIVING ROOM – CHRISTMAS EVE MORNING

IT IS THE CRACK OF DAWN AND FRAN, DRESSED IN COLORFUL HOLIDAY ROBE AND SLIPPERS
CHEERFULLY GOES DOWN THE STAIRCASE FOLLOWED BY MAXWELL.

FX: SNOW FALLING OUTSIDE.

FX: FIRE IN FIREPLACE.

FRAN: (CALLING BEHIND HER) Come on everyone. Merry… eh-

MAXWELL: Merry morning of the day before Christmas.

THE CHILDREN ENTER IN ASSORTED ROBES AND SLEEPWEAR.

FRAN: (RE: PLATE ON FOYER TABLE) Look Grace, Santa took a bite out of the cookie
we left him.

GRACE: I didn’t know Santa wore red lipstick.

FRAN: (BEAT) The man gets out of the house once a year. Live and let live!

MAGGIE RUNS TO GRAB A GIFT FOR FRAN.

MAGGIE: Fran would you open my present first?

FRAN: Before the family?… Alright.

FRAN TAKES GIFT AND BEGINS TO UNWRAP.

MAGGIE: I hope you like it… I made it myself… I mean it’s okay if you don’t…

FRAN: Honey, I’m sure I’ll love it, ‘cause a gift from the heart is worth more
than the present itself. Right Mr. Sheffield? (SHE WINKS AT MAXWELL)

MAXWELL: Absolutely, Miss Fine. (HE RETURNS THE WINK)

AS FRAN OPENS HER GIFT FROM MAGGIE.

FRAN: (THRILLED, SEARCHING) Ooooh –

MAGGIE: It’s a pajama holder.

FRAN: Ooooh. And I don’t already have one.

NILES: (SOTTO TO FRAN) Because you don’t wear any pajamas.

FRAN: You have polished your last keyhole. (RISING) Thank you, Maggie. Now who’s
next? Oh, Mr. Sheffield…

FRAN GIVES MAXWELL A GIFT.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine, how kind of you.

HE OPENS THE GIFT.

MAXWELL (CONT’D): I’ve always wanted a Swiss Army knife.

BRIGHTON: Cool, let me see.

BRIGHTON AND MAXWELL LOOK AT IT TOGETHER.

MAXWELL: Be very careful, Brighton. These are designed for soldiers. It has all
kinds of intricate survival gadgetry. What’s this?

FRAN: (SHE LOOKS) That’s the clipper for your nose hair! You don’t want bushy
nostrils in battle.

NILES: Be all that you can be, sir.

BRIGHTON: Dad, I love my what is this?

MAXWELL: It’s a bicycle – kit.

FRAN: Bicycle kit?

MAXWELL: Half the fun of owning a bike is building it yourself.

NILES HANDS BRIGHTON A SCREWDRIVER WITH A BOW ON IT.

NILES: And this is from me.

BRIGHTON: Gee, guys, you shouldn’t have.

MAGGIE: He really wanted Cindy Crawford.

BRIGHTON: At least she’s built.

MAGGIE: Daddy, I love my pearls.

MAXWELL: I wanted your first string of pearls to come from your old man.

SHE HUGS MAXWELL.

GRACE: (REMOVING WRAPPING PAPER) Oh, “The Screamer”! Thank you.

MAXWELL: I’m glad you like it. And I hope you understand why I can’t be here
tomorrow.

GRACE: I understand.

MAXWELL: That’s my big girl. Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

HE CROSSES TO NILES.

GRACE: Merry Christmas, Daddy.

SHE PUNCHES THE DOLL.

BRIGHTON: (SOTTO, TO MAGGIE) No hidden hostility there.

MAXWELL: (RE: ENVELOPE HE PULLS OUT OF HIS VEST POCKET) Niles ol’ man, what can
I say, year in and year out, you’re a friend indeed. Thank you and Merry
Christmas.

NILES TAKES THE ENVELOPE FROM MAXWELL AND OPENS IT. IT’S A CHECK.

NILES: Thank you, Mr. Sheffield, this is more than generous. It’s hard to
express just how much I… deserve this.

MAXWELL: You’re welcome. And Miss Fine…

FRAN: (DROOLING) Yeah?

MAXWELL: Your contribution to this family has not gone unnoticed.

FRAN: I think I’m gonna cry.

MAXWELL: (HE HANDS HER THE BOX) Thank you and Merry Christmas.

FRAN: What’s this?

SHE BEGINS OPENING GIFT.

MAXWELL: Your Christmas present. I gave it a lot of thought and picked it out
myself.

INSIDE THE BOX SHE FINDS A SMALL VASE WHICH SHE TURNS EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE
WITH HOPE THAT A CHECK MIGHT FALL OUT.

FRAN: Oooh.

SHE CONTINUES TO SHAKE THE VASE.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER THAT SAME MORNING

FRAN SITS DISCONSOLATELY AS NILES CLEANS UP. THEY ARE ALONE.

FRAN: Me and my BIG mouth! Niles will you come visit me in debtors’ prison.

NILES: Miss Fine, you should be flattered that Mr. Sheffield got you a gift.
I’ve never known him to give a staff member anything but a check.

FRAN: Well, who the hell needed that distinction? Why can’t I mind my own
business? Be more like you… cold and aloof.

NILES: I’m no fool. (RE: VASE) You know it really is a lovely vase.

FRAN: Gorgeous, but does it fit through an automated teller? Niles, if you ever
catch me shopping again, just slap me up side the head.

MAGGIE SKIPS DOWN STAIRS WEARING THE NEW SWEATER FRAN BOUGHT HER.

FRAN: Maggie, honey. You’re wearing the new sweater already?

FEELING UP THE KID’S ARM.

Maggie: Oh, I just love it. It’s the most beautiful sweater I’ve ever seen.

FRAN: (CONCERNED) Oh isn’t that sweet… Ya didn’t cut the tag off did ya?

DURING THE FOLLOWING, FRAN AND MAGGIE TUG ON THE SWEATER.

Maggie: Yes. Why?

FRAN: (ON SECOND THOUGHT) Oh that’s okay. I got the receipt.

Maggie: Fran, I’m keeping the sweater. I love it.

FRAN: No you don’t.

Maggie: But Fran you picked it out. It’s from the heart.

FRAN: (HUGGING MAGGIE) Really the minute I saw it, I thought it had your name
written all over it. Go wear it in good health.

MAGGIE EXITS WITH ONE SLEEVE HANGING TO HER KNEE.

FRAN: Now what am I gonna do?

NILES: That offer to loan you the money still stands.

FRAN: I consider you my friend, so I’ll be frank – I’m not good for it.

NILES: Well, it really is an exquisite vase. The perfect piece to begin one’s
personal art collection.

FRAN: Yeah… what do you think I can get for it?

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

EXT. PAWN SHOP – EST. SHOT

INT. PAWN SHOP – LATER THAT DAY

FRAN: I coulda taken it straight to Sothebys but I’m givin’ you a break here.
This is antique hand-blown glass.

PAUL: Sweetheart, it’s a vase.

FRAN: It’s very old.

PAUL: So am I. Don’t you have something I can unload? A VCR or a nice
semi-automatic weapon?

FRAN: Paulie, don’t you know a valuable antique when you see it? It’s
practically Elizabethan.

PAUL: (SUDDENLY INTERESTED) Elizabeth Taylor?

FRAN: No, Liz the Queen.

PAUL: Who?

FRAN: The bald one, with the big collar.

PAUL: Oh her. No can do. If ya’ said Elizabeth Montgomery, ya’ know “Bewitched”,
then I could move it.

VAL: (DESPERATE) Uncle Paulie, will ya please buy the vase? The woman owes the
world. She’s desperate, we’ll take anything.

FRAN: And that Val, is why you cannot get a partner for bridge.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER THAT DAY (EARLY EVENING)

FRAN AND GRACE ARE WATCHING TV. BRIGHTON AND MAGGIE ARE ATTEMPTING TO ASSEMBLE
BRIGHTON’S NEW BICYCLE. MAGGIE’S READING INSTRUCTIONS. NILES IS PLACING THE
LUGGAGE NEAR THE DOOR.

FRAN: (TO GRACE) Cheer up, honey. (SWITCHING CHANNELS) Oh look, my favorite,
“It’s A Wonderful Life”.

GRACE: We’ve already seen it six times.

BRIGHTON: Today.

FRAN: There’s a Christmas special on the Shopping Channel.

FRAN ONCE AGAIN SWITCHES CHANNELS.

TV ANNOUNCER (O.S.): “Call now, and you can own “It’s A Wonderful Life” at a
wonderful price.”

FRAN: (TURNING OFF TV) Uch, can you believe this? Although, for nine ninety-
five it is a classic.

FRAN REACHES FOR THE PHONE. NILES WALKS BY AND SLAPS HER ON THE BACK OF HER
HEAD.

FRAN: (CROSS-EYED) Thanks, I needed that.

MAXWELL DESCENDS THE STAIRS.

MAXWELL: Niles, did you remember my attache?

Niles: Yes.

MAXWELL: My carry-on?

Niles: Always.

MAXWELL: Well then, seems like we have everything.

C.C. ENTERS FROM THE LIBRARY.

C.C: Maxwell?

Niles: Oops, I guess I did forget one old bag.

Grace: Daddy, I wish you could come to church with us. Do you really have to go?


MAXWELL: I wish I didn’t, Sweetheart. I’ll miss you very much. All of you.

GRACE: Can’t we come with you?

C.C.: No! I mean, oh wouldn’t that be grand? Unfortunately, we’ll be working
‘round the clock.

MAXWELL: She’s right, Sweetheart. Even if you came, I’d never get time to see
you. You’ll have more fun here.

FRAN: Honey, at least he just has to work Christmas. My sister, the caterer,
works every holiday. Thank God we fast on Yom Kippur, or we’d never see her.

MAXWELL AND C.C. CROSS TO VESTIBULE. FRAN FOLLOWS THEM OUT.

MAXWELL: Thank you for that, Miss Fine. And I do hope you like your vase.

FRAN: Heh?

MAXWELL: It reminded me of you. One of a kind with just the right accent. You’ve
been a wonderful addition to our family. And I hope you’ll cherish that vase as
the children cherish you.

MAXWELL EXITS AS NILES RE-ENTERS

FRAN: Niles, would you watch the kids? I gotta go buy something.

NILES HITS FRAN UPSIDE THE HEAD, AS WE:

FLIP TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

INT. PAWN SHOP – A SHORT WHILE LATER (NIGHT)

FRAN POUNDS ON A BELL AT THE COUNTER.

VAL: You know, every time a bell rings an angel gets it’s wings.

FRAN: Who cares?

PAUL ENTERS.

FRAN (CONT’D): Paulie, I want my vase back!! It’s right there next to…
(STRAINING TO SEE IT) Richard Burton’s toaster?

PAUL: It’s good to see them back together again.

VAL: Fran, you can’t do this. How you going to pay your bills?

FRAN: I’ll think of something. That little vase is the most meaningful gift I’ve
ever received in my whole life. (OFF VAL’S LOOK) Except of course for that
Polaroid swinger ya gave me at graduation.

VAL: Well, I was gonna say…

PAUL HANDS HER THE VASE.

PAUL: Here you go – four hundred dollars.

FRAN: Four hundred? You gave me two.

PAUL: Overhead… Storage…

FRAN: You’re a crook.

PAUL: Whatever.

FRAN: Paulie, work with me here. would you take my watch?

FRAN STARTS TO TAKE THE WATCH OFF.

VAL: (GASPS) Oh, not your grandmother’s watch! She gave that to you on her
deathbed!

FRAN: Thank you, Val, you’re making this a lot easier.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

EXT. JFK AIRPORT (STOCK SHOT) - EST.

INT. AIRPORT – A LITTLE WHILE LATER

MAXWELL IS ON THE PHONE. C.C. STANDS BY WAITING FOR THEIR FLIGHT. SANTA IS
NEARBY, RINGING A BELL THROUGHOUT THE SCENE.

MAXWELL: (DISTRESSED) Thanks for telling me, Niles. Have a good holiday, old
man.

HE HANGS UP.

C.C.: What? What?

MAXWELL: I gave Miss Fine a gift in lieu of a check and aparently she had to
hock her grandmother’s watch to pay for the gifts she bought for the children.

C.C.: Oh, how tragic. It’s positively Dickensian. (CHEERY) Oh well.

MAXWELL: I wish there was something I could do.

C.C.: Too bad, our flight leaves in ten minutes.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.): Flight 851 going to Washington Dulles International airport
will be delayed three hours… Merry Christmas.

C.C.: Cocktails and dinner.

MAXWELL: I’ll be back.

AS HE EXITS.

C.C.: What if you miss the plane? What about those poor underprivileged people
counting on us?

SANTA WALKS BY, RINGING THE BELL.

C.C. (CONT’D): Oh, give it a rest.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

EXT. ST. PATRICK’S CATHEDRAL – EST. STOCK SHOT

NILES AND THE CHILDREN ARE SITTING IN A PEW. FRAN ENTERS AND MAKES HER WAY
ACROSS THE PEW TOWARDS THEM.

FRAN: Excuse me, pardon me, silent night, holy night.

NILES: Miss Fine, you’re late.

FRAN: I’m sorry, but I don’t have a watch, remember? Oh, this place is
magnificent. Did I miss anything?

HE HANDS HER A BIBLE.

NILES: Here, this ought to bring you up to date.

MEANWHILE, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN LINING UP TO GO INTO CONFESSIONALS.

FRAN: Look at the crowd at the confessional. There were shorter lines at the
gift wrap at Macy’s.

NILES: It’s been a rough year for everyone.

FRAN: Tell me about it. I’ve got a few things I’d like to get off my chest. (SHE
THINKS A BEAT) Tell me Niles, are these confessionals open to anyone? Or is it
more like the Homeclub?

NILES: You in a confessional? I’d pay good money to see that.

SHE STARTS EXITING THE PEW.

FRAN: Excuse me. All is calm. All is bright.

NILES: Oh, God in heaven.

GRACE LEANS OVER TO BRIGHTON.

GRACE: Where is Fran going?

BRIGHTON: (PASSES DOWN TO MAGS) Grace wants to know where Fran’s gone.

MAGGIE: What’s with Fran?

NILES: (TO MAGGIE) She went to confess.

MAGGIE: (TO BRIGHTON) She went to play chess.

BRIGHTON: (TO GRACE) She went to undress.

GRACE: What?

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE SIX A

INT. CONFESSIONAL – A SHORT TIME LATER

FRAN OPENS THE CURTAIN. SHE SITS DOWN.

FRAN: Forgive me Father for I have shopped…

SHE TAKES THE VASE OUT OF HER PURSE AND SETS IT DOWN BESIDE HER.

FRAN: Boy, these benches are really uncomfortable. You don’t want people to stay
long, huh?

FATHER: Stay as long as you like, I’m on ‘til midnight. Father Donahue got
Christmas week off. Again.

FRAN: I know just how you feel. I’m working Christmas this year, and I was
really looking forward to it, but instead it’s gonna be awful. The Father’s in
Washington, the kids don’t believe in Santa and I’m in hock up to my ears. I
just don’t know what to do.

FATHER: I hear the Fontaine Bleu’s nice this time of year. (BEAT) At least
Father Donahue says so.

FRAN: Look , you have more experience with Christmas than I do. Does it ever
live up to one’s expectations?

FATHER: That depends on what one expects.

FRAN: Oh, you’re good. See, that’s why they shipped Father Donuhue off to
Florida, and you’re working St. Patty’s on Christmas Eve.

THERE’S A KNOCK ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE CONFESSIONAL.

FRAN (CONT’D): There’s someone in here.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine, it’s me. May I come in?

THE CURTAIN OPENS, MAXWELL POPS HIS HEAD IN.

FRAN: Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?

MAXWELL: Niles told me how I got you in trouble.

THE PRIEST REACTS.

FRAN: It’s not your fault. I should have been more responsible.

FATHER: We do offer counseling for unwed mothers.

FRAN/MAXWELL: WHAT??

MAXWELL: For heaven’s sake Father, she’s not overdue, she’s overdrawn!

FATHER: Forgive me. But you know I have been in this little box for a very long
time.

FRAN: (PATTING THE SCREEN) It’s alright, Padre.

MAXWELL: You’ve been so generous to me and the children and made it such a
special Christmas, but it shouldn’t cost you your grandmother’s watch.

MAXWELL HANDS FRAN A WATCH CASE.

FRAN: (TOUCHED) Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

MAXWELL: I got the name of the pawn shop from Val.

FRAN: I don’t know what to say. (SHE OPENS THE CASE) This isn’t my grandmother’s
watch.

MAXWELL: Oh, the man in the pawn shop is an idiot.

FRAN: Val’s uncle. Mr. Sheffield, don’t feel bad. Things could be worse. Have a
seat. At least I still have my beautiful –

MAXWELL PLOPS DOWN ON THE BENCH NEXT TO FRAN.

SFX: BREAKING GLASS

FRAN (CONT’D): -- vase.

ANGLE ON: OUTSIDE OF CONFESSIONAL

MAXWELL (O.S.): Owww!

CHURCH BELLS AND HYMN SINGING MIX IN WITH THE YELL, AS WE:

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE SEVEN

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM – A SHORT WHILE LATER

MAXWELL IS LYING ON HIS STOMACH SURROUNDED BY FRAN AND THE CHILDREN. NILES IS
DECORATING THE ROOM FOR CHRISTMAS.

FRAN: Oh, I’m really sorry, Mr. Sheffield. Talk about “The Nightmare Before
Christmas.” Tim Burton has nothing on me.

MAXWELL: It’s quite alright. It’s not the pain so much as the humiliation.

FRAN: There’s nothing to be humiliated about. (ASIDE TO NILES) They really
should get backs for those gowns.

MAXWELL: I hope C.C. can handle a benefit by herself. She must be in the air by
now.

NILES: There go the friendly skies.

GRACE HANGS A TINSEL ON MAXWELL’S HEAD.

MAGGIE: Gracie don’t decorate Father.

MAXWELL: It’s all right.

HE SMILES AT GRACE AND MAGGIE.

SANTA (O.S.): Let me go! It’s Christmas Eve. I’ve got things to do.

NURSE: In here.

ORDERLIES BRING IN SANTA IN A WHEELCHAIR.

SANTA: Don’t you know who I am?

ORDERLY #1: Yes we do. And we’ve been good all year.

THE ORDERLIES HELP HIM ONTO THE BED.

ORDERLY #2: So why don’t you be good and lie still until the medication kicks
in.

FRAN: What happened to him?

ORDERLY #1: Some drunk lady at the airport knocked him out with his own bell.

SANTA: My ears are still ringing.

THE ORDERLIES START TO CLOSE THE CURTAINS BETWEEN THE TWO BEDS.

GRACE: Thank you, Santa.

HE WINKS AT HER AS THE ORDERLIES CLOSE THE CURTAINS COMPLETELY AND EXIT.

BRIGHTON: What are you thanking him for?

MAGGIE: I thought you didn’t believe in Santa Claus.

GRACE: Well, I do now because my Christmas wish came true.

MAXWELL: What wish, sweetheart?

GRACE: That you’d be with us on Christmas.

MAXWELL: Funny, that was my wish too.

THEY HUG.

FRAN: Isn’t that a positive way to look at this disaster.

SFX:CHURCHBELLS RING IN THE DISTANCE.

NILES: Oh listen, it’s Christmas and not a cranberry in sight.

FRAN: And look at this. We’re together, we’re happy, we’re healthy… well most of
us.

AS EVERYONE AD LIBS “MERRY CHRISTMAS”, FRAN TAKES A PHOTO.

FRAN: Why don’t we invite the old man to join us? No one should be alone on
Christmas.

AS FRAN CROSSES TO THE CURTAIN AROUND SANTA’S BED.

FRAN (CONT’D): Excuse me, Santa. Are you decent?

FRAN OPENS THE CURTAIN. THE BED IS EMPTY.

FRAN: Where did he go?

SFX: SLEIGHBELLS RING IN THE DISTANCE.

SANTA (O.S.): Ho. Ho. Ho.

ALL THAT’S LEFT IS AN OPEN WINDOW.

FX: SNOW GENTLY BLOWING IN THE WINDOW.

ON A SHOT OF THE WHOLE FAMILY REACTING. THEN, FRAN LEANS TOWARD THE WINDOW AND
TAKES A PICTURE, AS WE:

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

本文未完，查阅更多请“点击此处”阅读全文（Read more）……

S1-E07 - Imaginary Friend

Written by Pamela Eells & Sally Lapiduss

Directed by Lee Shallat

Executive Producers Robert Sternin & Prudence Fraser

Final Draft September 22, 1993

Show #105

COLD OPENING

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

MAGGIE IS PAINFULLY PLAYING A SLOW RENDITION OF “HEART AND SOUL” ON THE PIANO,
CONSTANTLY REPEATING THE SAME MISTAKE. FRAN, READING A MAGAZINE, AND BRIGHTON,
READING A COMIC BOOK, EXCHANGE A PAINED GLANCE. NILES IS DUSTING, AND GRACE IS
STARING INTENTLY AT A CHECKER BOARD LAID OUT IN FRONT OF HER. MAGGIE HITS
ANOTHER SOUR NOTE. BRIGHTON JUMPS UP, HANDS OVER HIS EARS.

BRIGHTON: Make her stop! It’s torture!

MAGGIE STOPS PLAYING

FRAN: You don’t know what torture is. My sister played the zither. One time my
ears actually bled.

MAGGIE: My teacher says I have nimble fingers.

NILES: (HOPEFULLY) You know, sign language is an excellent hobby.

FRAN: Be nice. You think Beethoven played perfect from the get go?

GRACE: That dog played the piano?


FRAN: Not the dog. Ludwig Van. But his sister Helga never teased. And you think
that was easy? All day long, (A LA FIFTH SYMPHONY) with the Da Da Da Daaa, Da Da
Da Daaa. Plus, they had no indoor plumbing.

BRIGHTON: I never heard of Helga Beethoven.

FRAN: Sure, because women’s contribution to history is always swept under the
rug.

GRACE: (TO AIR, IMPATIENT) Come on, Imogene, king me. (BEAT) Okay, I’ll do it
myself.

GRACE REACHES ACROSS THE BOARD AND “KINGS” HER CHECKEER PIECE. THEY ALL LOOK AT
HER STRANGELY. BRIGHTON HUMS THE “TWILIGHT ZONE” THEME.

BRIGHTON: (A LA ROD SERLING) Submitted for your approval: A girl who has a
friend who isn’t there. An imaginary friend. Here, in The Gracie Zone.

FRAN: Give her a break… she’s six. We’ll start worrying if she asks an imaginary
guy to the prom.

GRACE: (TO AIR) I win. You want to play hide and seek? Okay, you hide. (COVERING
HER EYES) One, two, three, four, five. (UNCOVERS HER EYES, LOOKS AROUND AND
GASPS) Where’d she go? She’s good.

FRAN: Gracie, honey, why don’t we all play a game together, like Go Fish, or my
favorite, Old Maid? (THEN, BEFORE BRIGHTON CAN SPEAK) Shut up, Brighton.

AS MAGGIE HITS ANOTHER SOUR NOTE, NILES ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKS THE PIANO LID DOWN.
MAGGIE PULLS HER FINGERS AWAY JUST IN TIME.

NILES: Oops… a bit too much polish.

FADE OUT.




ACT ONE

SCENE ONE


FADE IN:

INT. THERAPIST’S WAITING ROOM – DAY

CC ENTERS.

AN ELEGANT UPPER EAST SIDE OFFICE. A WELL-DRESSED MAN AND WOMAN SIT LEAFING
THROUGH MAGAZINES, AND THERE IS A RECEPTIONIST OFF TO ONE SIDE. FRAN ENTERS.

FRAN: Well, this must be the place. Dr. Bort, (INDICATING DOOR, WHISPERS)
psychiatry.

RECEPTIONIST: (SMILING) May I help you?

FRAN: (INSTANTLY DEFENSIVE) What’s that supposed to mean? (CATCHING HERSELF)
Sorry, it’s just that I’m kind of new at this whole (WHISPERS) therapy thing.
Although, what am I worried about? I’m okay, you’re okay. (THEN WORRIEDLY
INDICATING PEOPLE ON COUCH) Are they okay?

RECEPTIONIST: You must be a new patient.

FRAN: Me? A patient? Whaddaya nuts? (TO PATIENTS) Not that there’s anything
wrong with that. I’m just here to pick up Gracie Sheffield.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh, you must be the new nanny.

FRAN: Fran Fine. I’m sort of Gracie’s role model. I’m sure she’s told you all
about me.

RECEPTIONIST: Anything Grace may have said about you is strictly confidential.

FRAN: Whaddya mean? If she blabbed about that little “Chutes and Ladders”
incident, I did not cheat; she just can’t count.

THE RECEPTIONIST WRITES SOMETHING DOWN. FRAN TRIES TO SEE WHAT SHE’S WRITING,
BUT THE RECEPTIONIST LOOKS UP AND CATCHES HER.

RECEPTIONIST: Excuse me?

FRAN: (COVERING) Great nails. You must eat a lot of Jello.

RECEPTIONIST: Please have a seat. You’re disturbing the other patients.

FRAN: Like they’re not disturbed already.

FRAN SITS DOWN NEXT TO THE OTHER PATIENTS. THEY LOOK AT HER AND FRAN SMILES BACK
NERVOUSLY. THERE IS A LONG PAUSE, THEN FRAN NOTICES ONE WOMAN HAS AN EXPENSIVE
HANDBAG. SHE NUDGES A MAN.

FRAN (CONT’D): Alligator handbag, two thousand dollars. We should all have her
problems.

GRACE ENTERS FROM THE THERAPIST’S OFFICE.

FRAN (CONT’D): Hi, Gracie, how was your session?

GRACE: It was great. I’m making real progress. C’mon, Imogene, lunch time.
(PLEASED) Stage Deli? I was gonna say the same thing.

FRAN: And that’s after a hundred and fifty dollar session.

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. LIBRARY – LATER THAT DAY

CC AND MAXWELL ARE LOOKING AGHAST AT SEVERAL HIDEOUS COSTUME SKETCHES.

MAXWELL: (ON PHONE) Well… What can I say about these costumes? They’re… awfully
well-drawn. You stayed almost completely inside the lines.

CC IMPATIENTLY GRABS THE PHONE.

CC: (INTO PHONE) They’re grotesque. You couldn’t design a dickie! You talentless
hack! (BEAT, THEN INCREDULOUS) He hung up on me!

MAXWELL: Perhaps we should review the chapter on tact in the Producers Handbook.


FRAN KNOCKS AT THE OPEN DOOR AND ENTERS.

FRAN: (AGREEING) You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.
(THINKING) Although what would you want with a whole bunch of flies? I mean
unless you had a lizard to feed, or a salamander or something…

MAXWELL: Miss Fine, may I ask why you’re in my office babbling about reptiles?

FRAN: Well, actually I wanted to talk to you about one of the kids.

MAXWELL: If this is about canceling Maggie’s piano lessons, God yes!

FRAN: Okay, so she’ll never be Liberace. Is that a crime?

CC: Yes, in some countries they’d cut off her hands.

FRAN AND MAXWELL STARE AT HER.

CC (CONT’D): (OFF THEIR STARES) What?

FRAN: Let me ask you a question: When they shot Bambi’s mother, did you find
that a sad moment… at all?

CC: I’m sure she’s mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.

FRAN: (REACTS) Okay… (THEN TO MAXWELL) And now I’ll talk to you.

MAXWELL: I’m waiting.

FRAN: So, today, I took Gracie out to lunch and that figment of her imagination
tagged along. Not that I mind eating two BLT’s, but she stuck me with the check.


MAXWELL: Oh, Imogene, yes. She’s been cropping up quite a bit lately.

FRAN: (NODDING) You should have seen poor Gracie in the park, sitting on that
teeter- totter, her little tush in the dirt, not budging an inch. Just waitin’
and waitin’. It broke my heart.

MAXWELL: (CONCERNED) Perhaps we should increase her therapy.

FRAN: I was thinking just the opposite. She’s six years old. Does she really
need to be lying on some couch getting her head shrunk?

CC: Miss Fine, they don’t actually shrink the child’s head.

FRAN: What am I, an ignoramus? Who recommended this quack anyway?

CC: (DEFENSIVE) She happens to be one of the finest therapists in New York. You
can’t get in to see her until one of her patients commits suicide.

FRAN: Same with my pedicurist, Selma. That woman knows her way around a bunion
like nobody’s business.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine, while I appreciate your concern, Grace is a complex child
and therapy is an important outlet for her.

FRAN: If she needs an outlet, I’ll take her to Jersey. There’s a Ralph Lauren
outlet, a Donna Karan outlet. Look, I’m not saying the kid has to go cold
turkey. I just think she needs less Freud and more fun.

CC: It just so happens that therapy can be enormously beneficial. I’ve been
going for twenty years.

FRAN: (STARTS TO SPEAK, THEN THINKS BETTER OF IT) Nah, it’s too easy.

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

INT. KITCHEN – A WEEK LATER

GRACE AND FRAN ARE MAKING A MESS BAKING COOKIES. GRACE IS HAPPILY SIFTING FLOUR,
WHICH IS SMUDGED ON HER FACE. FRAN IS TAKING A BATCH OF COOKIES OUT OF THE OVEN.


GRACE: How come they call them “toll house” cookies?

FRAN: ‘Cause you eat now, and pay later.

FRAN TASTES SOME DOUGH.

GRACE: Don’t eat raw dough. It’ll make you sick.

FRAN: Not true. Grown-ups just say that.

GRACE: Why?

FRAN: More dough for them.

GRACE: Grown-ups lie sometimes. You don’t really have to wait an hour before you
go into the pool.

FRAN: Unless you’ve eaten my mother’s kugel, in which case you have to wait a
week.

FRAN STARTS TO SIT DOWN.

GRACE: Don’t! Imogene’s sitting there.

FRAN: Oops! Sorry.

FRAN STARTS TO SIT IN THE ONLY OTHER CHAIR.

GRACE: No! Now she’s sitting there.

FRAN: She’s a zippy little thing, isn’t she? (LISTENING TO AIR) Excuse me? Oh,
sure.

GRACE: What?

FRAN: She wants to sit over on the counter.

FRAN MIMES MOVING NORMAL-SIZED CHILD.

GRACE: What are you doing? She’s only this (HOLDING HER FINGERS UP) big.

FRAN: She’s only that big and she’s causing me this much trouble? Here, sit in
the teacup.

GRACE: She’s bored.

FRAN SPINS THE CUP AROUND.

FRAN: There. It’s just like Disneyland.

GRACE HAPPILY EATS DOUGH, AS MAXWELL ENTERS.

GRACE: Hi, Daddy!

MAXWELL: Hello, sweetheart. Don’t eat raw dough, you’ll get sick.

GRACE: Yeah, right.

FRAN: (TO MAXWELL) The eggs are pasteurized, live dangerously…. have a
fingerful.

FRAN OFFERS A SPOONFUL OF DOUGH. MAXWELL HESITATES, THEN TAKES A FINGERFUL AND
EATS IT.

MAXWELL: Very tasty. (TAKES ANOTHER FINGERFUL) So what did you ladies do today?

GRACE: We shopped ‘til we dropped.

FRAN: (PROUD) She tried on every pair of shoes in the store and bought nothing.

GRACE: (PROUD) I made a salesman cry.

FRAN: (WELLING UP) I’m tellin’ ya, she’s got a gift.

GRACE STARTS HAPPILY DROPPING THE BATTER ON THE COOKIE SHEETS.

MAXWELL: Well, Miss Fine, cutting back on her therapy seems to have done some
good.

FRAN: (SOTTO, TO MAXWELL) Who needs Freud when you got Ferragamo? Maybe I should
hang out my shingle.

FRAN TAKES A BITE OF COOKIE. AS SHE PUTS IT IN HER MOUTH, GRACE LETS OUT A
BLOODCURDLING SCREAM.

GRACE: Stop!

MAXWELL: What? What is it?

FRAN: Whatsa matter?

GRACE: (TO FRAN) You killed Imogene!

FRAN: (PANICKED) How? What’d I do?

GRACE: (SCREAMING) You ate her!

MAXWELL: (HORRIFIED) You ate her?

FRAN: I did not eat her!

GRACE: She was sitting on that cookie, and you ate her!

FRAN QUICKLY SPITS IMOGENE OUT, BRUSHING HER TONGUE WITH HER FINGERS. THE CRUMBS
LAND ON MAXWELL. GRACE CONTINUES TO SCREAM.

MAXWELL: Grace, Grace… look, Miss Fine spit her out. Imogene’s fine. She’s right
there, see?

FRAN: Sure, and she’s not dead, she’s just stunned. You alright, honey?

GRACE: (SCREAMING) Help her!

MAXWELL: (TO FRAN) Do something!

FRAN: (SARCASTIC) Like what? C.P.R.?

MAXWELL: Right! C.P.R.!

FRAN: But I’ve only done it on a dummy! I’ve never done it on a real… What am I
talking about?

GRACE: (SCREECHING) Save her! She’s turning blue!

MAXWELL: You have to clear the air passageway. (MOVING HIS FINGER) There, the
throat is clear!

GRACE: That wasn’t her throat.

MAXWELL FREEZES IN DISGUST. FRAN JABS HIM.

FRAN: So you’ll wash your hands later. Keep going!

MAXWELL: Now I breathe into the mouth. (TO GRACE) This is her mouth?

GRACE NODS, AND MAXWELL PROCEEDS TO GIVE MOUTH TO MOUTH RESUSCITATION.

FRAN: I’ll pump her little heart!

MAXWELL: Don’t break her ribs!

GRACE: She stopped breathing!

FRAN: Oy.

FRAN GRABS TWO POT LIDS AND RUBS THEM TOGETHER LIKE FIBRILLATOR PADDLES.

FRAN (CONT’D): Clear!

SHE JOLTS IMOGENE AND JUMPS BACK. MAXWELL LOOKS AT HER STUNNED.

MAXWELL: I’m getting a pulse! She’s coming around! She’s a bit disheveled, but
she’s a plucky one.

FRAN: She pulled through!

MAXWELL: We’ve done it!

FRAN AND MAXWELL JUMP UP AND DOWN, CONGRATULATING EACH OTHER. GRACE JUST STARES
SADLY AT THE COUNTER.

GRACE: It’s too late. She’s gone.

GRACE RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM.

MAXWELL: This is terrible.

FRAN: I know. My malpractice insurance is gonna go sky high.

MAXWELL: I don’t believe this.

FRAN: It was an accident.

MAXWELL FOLLOWS GRACE, LEAVING FRAN ALONE. SHE SHOUTS AFTER THEM.

FRAN (CONT'D): I’m telling you, I didn’t eat anybody! (REACHING IN HER MOUTH)
Oooh, a hair.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

INT. LIVING ROOM – THE NEXT DAY

A TABLE WITH CANDLES AND FLORAL DISPLAY IS SET UP.

MAXWELL: We’re having a mock funeral for an imaginary person, and Grace is the
one in therapy.

FRAN: It’s a good idea. Trust me.

MAXWELL: Sure, why not? It’s gotten us this far.

FRAN GIVES MAXWELL A LOOK.

FRAN: I remember when Goldie passed away – she should rest in peace –

MAXWELL: (SYMPATHETIC) Your grandmother?

FRAN: My golfish…

MAXWELL: Goldie the goldfish. Clever. You should write.

FRAN: I loved her so much. Then one day I found her, belly up in her bowl, her
little body covered with ick. (DISTRAUGHT) We gave her a twenty-one flush
salute.

MAXWELL: What a lovely tribute.

FRAN: No, she just wouldn’t go down.

FRAN LOOKS AROUND FOR A TISSUE, THEN SPOTTING MAXWELL’S POCKET HANDKERCHIEF, SHE
YANKS IT OUT AND BLOWS HER NOSE.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine, I understand you were fond of your fish, but are we floating
anywhere near a point here?

FRAN: The point is – and by the way, thank you so much for your sympathy – that
when death comes tappin’ at your tank, you need some kind of closure.

MAGGIE AND BRIGHTON COME DOWN THE STEPS.

FRAN: Is Gracie coming down?

BRIGHTON: She’s going through your shoe boxes trying to pick out the casket.

MAGGIE: She’s leaning toward your Ferragamo box.

FRAN: The kid’s got taste.

MAXWELL: This whole thing is surreal.

FRAN: (TO MAXWELL) When you do the eulogy, be sure to mention how much Imogene
loved peanut butter.

MAXWELL: Me? Why do I have to do the eulogy? Why not you?

FRAN: Because I’m the killer.

MAXWELL: I suppose that would be in poor taste.

FRAN: Of course, it wasn’t my fault. First she’s in the cup, then she’s on the
cookie…

MAXWELL: I suppose next you’ll be saying it was a suicide.

FRAN: She did seem a little despondent.

MAXWELL: So now you’re the imaginary Dr. Kervorkian.

MAGGIE PLAYS A BAD, MINOR KEY VERSION OF “HEART AND SOUL.” NILES DESCENDS THE
STAIRS, IN TOP HAT AND MOURNING SUIT, CARRYING A SHOEBOX. GRACE FOLLOWS, WEARING
A STYLISH BLACK DRESS, HAT, AND VEIL. MAXWELL AND FRAN RUSH TO HER SIDE.

MAXWELL: Niles?

NILES: It’s my Mr. Peanut look. Grace picked it out. You know how Imogene loved
–

MAXWELL: Peanut butter, yes, I know. Grace dear, how are you holding up?

FRAN LOOKS INSIDE THE SHOE BOX AND REACTS.

GRACE: I’m coping.

FRAN: I see you went with the open casket. (HOPEFULLY) But won’t she be crowded
with my new boots in there?

GRACE: No, she always wanted to be buried in suede.

BRIGHTON: It’s in the will. She left me her imaginary Porsche.

BRIGHTON MAKES A “SHE’S NUTS” GESTURE.

GRACE: You don’t mind, do you Fran?

FRAN: (WHIMPERING) Uh-huh.

NILES: Lord and Taylor giveth, and Lord and Taylor taketh away.

FRAN: She couldn’t have gone with a nice casket from Kinney’s?

NILES: (RE: PICTURE FRAME) Imogene? (GRACE NODS) That’s a lovely photo.

GRACE: (NODDING) Annie Leibovitz.

FRAN: I know you miss Imogene, but remember part of her will always be with you.


MAGGIE: And the rest of her is in Fran’s stomach.

BRIGHTON: Unless she’s already been… passed on.

FRAN: (POINTEDLY) Maybe we should start the memorial service now.

MAGGIE STARTS PLAYING; BRIGHTON REACTS.

NILES: Isn’t there enough pain in this house?

MAGGIE CONTINUES PLAYING.

FRAN: Thank you, Maggie.

MAGGIE PLAYS ON.

FRAN (CONT'D): (TERSELY) Thank you, Maggie.

MAGGIE STOPS.

FRAN (CONT'D): Mr. Sheffield wants to say a few words about the dearly departed.


MAXWELL: (AWKWARDLY) Um, yes, well. What can one say about Imogene? Faithful
friend, constant companion, peanut butter lover… Niles?

MAXWELL QUICKLY SITS DOWN. NILES LOOKS APPALLED.

NILES: Sir, please… I’m too overcome with grief.

MAXWELL: (FIRMLY) Stiff upper lip, man.

BRIGHTON: I have a few words prepared.

ALL: No!

MAXWELL BECKONS A RELUCTANT NILES FORWARD.

NILES: Perhaps in these difficult times, we can find solace in the immortal
words: “Therefore ask not for whom the bell tolls…”

MAXWELL: Is that Donne?

NILES: No, there’s still a bit more. (STARTING OVER) “Ask not for whom the bell
tolls…”

SFX: DOORBELL RINGS.

NILES LOOKS HEAVEN WARD.

NILES (CON'T): Thank God, it tolls for me.

HE QUICKLY EXITS TO ANSWER THE DOOR.

FRAN: Oy, Maggie, play something.

MAGGIE: (THRILLED) Really? Any requests?

BRIGHTON: Gee, how about “Heart and Soul”?

MAGGIE: (HAPPILY) Okay.

MAGGIE STARTS PLAYING AGAIN.

SFX: PHONE RINGS

MAXWELL AND BRIGHTON BOTH JUMP UP.

MAXWELL/BRIGHTON: I’ll get it!

MAXWELL: It’s my house, I’ll get it.

MAXWELL EXITS, AS CC ENTERS WITH A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS.

CC: Grace dear, I’m so sorry for your loss. How dreadful for you, to see your
little friend… (SHUDDERS) consumed by your caretaker.

FRAN: (DEFENSIVE) I spit her out.

GRACE SIGHS, TAKES CC’S FLOWERS, AND LAYS THEM ON THE TABLE BY THE SHOE BOX
CASKET. MAXWELL RE-ENTERS.

MAXWELL: (TO FRAN) That was Grace’s therapist. She wants to see the three of us
this afternoon.

FRAN: Why me? What did I do?

CC: Oh, nothing, merely cannibalized the child’s best friend… Nanny Lector.
(PUTTING A PROTECTIVE ARM AROUND GRACE) I only hope the good doctor can undo the
damage you’ve done. Because nothing is more important than the emotional well
being of our little Grace.

MAXWELL: I knew you’d feel that way. That’s why we’re taking your appointment.

CC: (HURLING GRACE AWAY) What?!!

MAXWELL: You’ll be alright, won’t you?

CC: Fine. I’ll be fine.

FRAN HAS BEEN EDGING SIDEWAYS TOWARD THE FERRAGAO BOX AND TAKES OUT A BOOT.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine!

MAXWELL GRABS IT BACK.

FRAN: Just paying my last respects.

FRAN CARESSES THE BOOT AND PUTS IT BACK.

DISSOLVE TO:



ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. THERAPIST’S WAITING ROOM – LATER THAT AFTERNOON

THE RECEPTIONIST IS READING A PAPERBACK. ANOTHER COUPLE SITS NEARBY, HOLDING
HANDS. MAXWELL AND FRAN ENTER, ARGUING.

MAXWELL: (LOOKING AT HIS WATCH) We’re late. Can’t you ever be on time for
anything?

FRAN: You think this look happens by accident? These clothes just fall on me?
The only shoes that go with this outfit are six feet under.

THE OTHER COUPLE EXCHANGE A GLANCE.

WOMAN: (TO FRAN AND MAXWELL) That’s how we used to talk to each other, (TO HER
HUSBAND) remember sweetheart?

MAN: Yes, dear.

WOMAN: But then Dr. Bort gave us the tools to rebuild our marriage.

MAN: And now it’s perfect.

MAXWELL: (TO COUPLE) We’re not married.

MAN: (SOTTO TO MAXWELL) Get out now!

THE WOMAN SHOOTS THE MAN A LOOK. HE SMILES, COVERING. THEY GO BACK TO HOLDING
HANDS. FRAN STARTS PACING BACK AND FORTH.

FRAN: Uch, you know what the doctor’s gonna do? She’s gonna try and pin the
whole thing on me.

MAXWELL: And she would be wrong exactly how?

FRAN: Not that anyone’s pointing fingers here, (POINTING HER FINGER) but this is
your fault.

MAXWELL: Even the twisted pathways of your mind couldn’t lead to that
conclusion.

FRAN: Oh yeah? Watch. You cut back on Gracie’s therapy.

MAXWELL: At your suggestion!

FRAN: Since when do you listen to me?

MAN: (SOTTO) Ooh, he walked right into that one.

FRAN: Besides, I never would have opened my mouth if I’d know then what I know
now.

MAXWELL: What do you know?

FRAN: You know! Niles told me all about how your family tree is crawling with
meshuggenehs.

MAXWELL: (FRUSTRATED) Sorry?

FRAN: Nuts, kooks, wackos.

MAXWELL: Ah, my family’s dementia is a vicious rumor. (BEAT) Just because my
Great Aunt Hermoine lived in the gazebo with a giant hoot owl…

FRAN: Yeah, there’s the Queen of Normal. Not to mention your Uncle Duncan and
his magic kilt.

MAXWELL: (DEFENSIVE) It was magic! And I shudder to think about the eccentrics
in your family.

FRAN: We don’t have any. Well, except for my Aunt Bessie. She collects gravel.

MAXWELL: Now that is odd. Not to mention difficult to catalog.

FRAN: It’s Ozzie and Harriet compared to owls and kilts!

MAXWELL: (FRUSTRATED) What on earth is an ‘aussienharriot’?

FRAN: And you’re in the theatre?

THE INNER DOOR OPENS AND GRACE APPEARS, FOLLOWED BY DR. BORT.

MAXWELL: Grace, dear, how are you feeling?

GRACE: I’m drained. I don’t bounce back like I use to.

TRYING TO CHEER HER UP, FRAN HANDS HER A MAGAZINE.

FRAN: (TEMPTING) Want to read “Psychology Monthly”

GRACE: (PERKING UP) Ooh. (READING) “Ritalin: friend or foe?”

SHE HAPPILY SITS DOWN, AND STARTS READING.

DR. BORT: Hello, Mr. Sheffield. And you must be… the nanny.

FRAN: (DEFENSIVE) Is that what she told you?

MAXWELL: You are the nanny.

FRAN: Oh, right.

AS THEY DISAPPEAR INTO THE INNER OFFICE, THE WOMAN SLAPS THE MAN ON THE SHOULDER
WITH HER PURSE.

WOMAN: “Get out?” Is that what you want? “Out?”

MAN: (DEFIANT) Yes, I want out.

WOMAN: Forget it. You’re in. Forever.

MAN: (MEEK) Okay.

CUT TO:



ACT TWO

SCENE THREE


SCENE THREE

A STANDARD PARK AVENUE SHRINK’S OFFICE, ONE CORNER OF WHICH IS FILLED WITH TOYS.


FRAN: I’m not lying down.

DR. BORT: That’s alright.

FRAN: ‘Cause I just did my hair.

DR. BORT: Of course.

FRAN: Otherwise I’d love to lie down, because, frankly, I’m exhausted.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine, you can sit, you can stand, you can hang upside down like a
bat…

FRAN: (TO SHRINK) Is it just me, or do you sense some hostility here?

DR. BORT: Well, I’m sure it’s been a difficult time for everyone. (TO FRAN)
Would you like a cookie?

DR. BORT HANDS FRAN A PLATE OF COOKIES

FRAN: I think not. Look, before you start blaming me, you should know I was just
trying to do my best for Gracie, and I think I’ve done pretty well, other than
this one little measly dead friend thing.

DR. BORT: You know what I think?

FRAN: Just like that? Two seconds of conversation and you’re ready to pass
judgement?

DR. BORT: I think you’ve done a good job with Grace.

FRAN: (RE: THERAPIST) She’s very insightful.

DR. BORT PRESSES A BUZZER ON HER DESK.

DR. BORT: (TO RECEPTIONIST) Would you send Grace in? (TO FRAN AND MAXWELL) You
know Grace first started seeing me after her mother died.

MAXWELL: Which is when Imogene first appeared.

DR. BORT: To help fill the void in Grace’s life.

MAXWELL: I think I see what you’re getting at, Doctor.

FRAN: Well, somebody buy me a vowel.

GRACE ENTERS.

MAXWELL: Hi, sweetheart.

FRAN: Come sit with us.

GRACE SITS BETWEEN FRAN AND MAXWELL.

DR. BORT: You know, Grace, Fran’s feeling very bad about what happened to
Imogene.

GRACE: Well, sure. She killed her.

DR. BORT: But she didn’t really kill her, did she?

GRACE: Yeah, I was there. She ate her.

MAXWELL: I tried to save her.

FRAN GLARES AT HIM.

DR. BORT: Grace? I want you to think, was it really Fran’s fault?

GRACE: You mean, ‘cause Imogene was just my pretend friend?

DR. BORT: That’s right. And maybe you didn’t want to play with her anymore.

GRACE: Yeah, she was starting to get on my nerves.

DR. BORT: But what’s the real reason you don’t need Imogene anymore?

GRACE: (A BEAT) 'Cause now I have Fran.

FRAN HUGS GRACE.

FRAN: (MOVED) I’m speechless.

MAXWELL: This is a miracle.

DR. BORT: No, it’s really a common psychological occurrence.

MAXWELL: No, the miracle is her being speechless.

FRAN: Uch, I feel so much better.

GRACE: Me, too.

FRAN: Maybe this whole therapy thing isn’t such a crock.

DR. BORT: Oh, thank you, Miss Fine.

GRACE PICKS UP A COOKIE FROM THE PLATE.

GRACE: Fran, you want a cookie?

FRAN: I don’t know.

GRACE: It’s alright, Fran.

DR. BORT: Go ahead.

FRAN: Are you sure? You don’t see anybody sitting on this cookie?

GRACE: (AS IF TO A MADWOMAN) Nooo. Do you?

FRAN: Okay, just checking.

FRAN BITES A PIECE OF THE COOKIE. GRACE SCREAMS. FRAN SPITS IT OUT.

GRACE: Just kidding.

THEY LAUGH, AND FRAN PULLS HER INTO A HUG, AS WE:

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

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S1-E06 - The Butler, The Husband, The Wife, and Her Mother

Written by Howard Meyers

Directed by Lee Shallat

Executive Producers Robert Sternin & Prudence Fraser

REVISED FIRST DRAFT
October 1, 1993

Show #106

COLD OPENING

INT. KITCHEN – MORNING

FRAN AND NILES ARE SEARCHING FOR A MOUSE. NILES IS WEARING A PAIR OF OVEN MITTS.
FRAN IS CARRYING A WHISK BROOM AND A PAPER

FRAN: Here, mouse. Come here, mouse…

NILES: Here, little mousey wousey…

FRAN: (TO NILES) Don’t talk down to him. (COMFORTING TO MOUSE) There’s nothing
to be afraid of. We’re just going to put you outside.

NILES: We’re just going to put you outside. (EQUALLY COMFORTING) And then we’re
going to kill you.

FRAN: Niles! How could you kill Mickey Mouse?

NILES: If you must know, I’ve always found his voice annoying.

FRAN: How could a voice be annoying? (BEAT) You’re not really going to kill him?



NILES: Miss Fine, need I remind you that the inspectors from the Professional
Butlers Association will be coming here to observe my work and decide to accept
me as a member?

FRAN: Really? I thought you were kidding about that. I mean it sounded so
ridiculous (OFF HIS LOOK) in a profound and important way.

NILES: I happen to come from a long line of butlers, and every one of them has
belonged to the P.B.A… until the day my father, butler to the Duke of
Gloucester, accidentally knocked over a vase.

FRAN: And for that they kicked him out?

NILES: He was wrestling naked with the Duchess at the time.

FRAN: To each his own. Unless Duchess was a rotweiller.

NILES SPOTS THE MOUSE ON THE TABLE AND IN ONE SWIFT MOVE GRABS THE COVER TO A
SERVING TRAY AND PUTS IT DOWN OVER THE MOUSE.

NILES: Got it!

NILES LAUGHS AN EVIL LAUGH.

FRAN: Leave the poor little guy alone. Don’t you believe in instant karma? He’s
an innocent creature.

NILES: Not so innocent. He has brie on his breath.

CC ENTERS.

CC: I’m famished. Who do you have to know to get a cucumber sandwich around
here?

NILES HANDS HER A CUCUMBER

NILES: Here. Knock yourself out.

CC: What’s in here?

SHE LIFTS THE LID OF THE SERVING TRAY, SEES THE MOUSE AND SCREAMS.

CC (CONT’D): Aaaaahh!!!!

FRAN: You scared him!

NILES: Blast! He got away!
CC: I can’t stand mice. I have to go.

SHE SCURRIES OUT THE DOOR ON TIP-TOE, BEING CAREFUL TO AVOID ANY MICE.

FRAN: When you gotta go, you gotta go.

NILES: Well, back to the hunt. The inspectors will be here next Monday and they
frown upon vermin running free about the house.

FRAN: Then you better change the locks ‘cause CC has a key.

FADE OUT.

END OF COLD OPENING



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER THAT DAY

FRAN IS LOUNGING ON THE COUCH. ENGROSSED IN A MAGAZINE. MAXWELL ENTERS FROM
OFFICE WEARING A PAIR OF LARGE, BRIGHT YELLOW GALOSHES, CROSSES TO STAIRS AND
CALLS UP.

MAXWELL: Children, time to go!

FRAN: You’re not planning on wearing those boots to the museum?

MAXWELL: My wellies? Yes, there’s a chance of rain.

FRAN: There’s a chance I’ll fall off the couch, but you don’t see me wearing a
seat belt?

MAXWELL: Your point?

FRAN: What happened? You’re normally so GQ. Now suddenly you’re the Gordon’s
Fisherman?

MAXWELL: Miss Fine, I didn’t hire you as a fashion consultant, I hired you to
take care of the children.

FRAN: That’s what I’m doing. Your son just got elected class president. His
first day in office you’re gonna embarrass him with a scandal like this?

ALL THE CHILDREN COME DOWN THE STAIRS

MAXWELL: (RE: BRIGHTON) There he is. Hail to the chief!

BRIGHTON HOLDS UP BOTH HIS ARMS IN THE CLASSIC NIXON VICTORY POSE.

BRIGHTON: Thank you, thank you. I am not a crook.

MAGGIE: I still can’t believe you got elected.

BRIGHTON: Why?

MAGGIE: That means someone had to vote for you.

FRAN: Hey, give your brother some credit. We’re all very proud of him. He
obviously commands the respect and admiration of his classmates, and he’s
showing some real leadership qualities. Meanwhile, (SOTTO TO BRIGHTON) your fly
is open.

BRIGHTON MAKES THE APPROPRIATE ADJUSTMENT.

MAXWELL: So now we’re off to celebrate Brighton’s achievement by taking in the
German Expressionist show at the Met.

FRAN: Oh.

BRIGHTON: There’s a fine line between reward and punishment in this house.

GRACE: I love Edvard Munsch’s painting, “The Scream.”

GRACE IMITATES THE PAINTING BY CLASPING THE SIDES OF HER FACE AND MIMING A
SCREAM.

MAXWELL: Now, Brighton, you get to pick where we have lunch.

BRIGHTON: I’m the president… McDonald’s.

FRAN: McNuggets too? Please, I’m already green with envy.

MAGGIE: What are you doing on your day off?

FRAN: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I told my my mother I have to stay home and
rest. Otherwise I’d be having lunch right now with my Uncle Jack and cousin
Marsha. They’re up from Boca, and believe me, spending an afternoon with Jack
and Marsha, well, don’t ask.

MAXWELL: (IN HIS OVERCOAT BY NOW, AND EAGER TO LEAVE) I don’t think I did.

FRAN: (OBLIVIOUS, WORKING HERSELF UP) “Jack the k’nocker,” we call him. Uncle
big mouth. Always trying to one-up my mother. We buy a Skylark, he buys an El
Dorado. We move to Flushing, he moves to Florida. She never won. Oh yeah, one
time. She got a mustache before he did.

GRACE: Fran…?

FRAN: Yes, sweetheart?

GRACE: I’m sweating.

FRAN: So what are you hanging around here for? Go, go, have fun.

ALL AD-LIB GOODBYE, MAXWELL AND THE CHILDREN EXIT. NILES ENTERS CARRYING A SMALL
GIFT BASKET.

NILES: Mr. Sheffield?

FRAN: They just left.

NILES: Oh. Lauren Bacall just sent over some Beluga caviar.

THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER A BEAT.

FRAN: You make the toast. I’ll write the thank you.

FRAN AND NILES HEAD TOWARD THE KITCHEN.

NILES: Why is it that we can’t kill a mouse but we can suck the unborn offspring
from a fish?

FRAN: (BEAT) I’m pro-choice.

DISSOLVE TO:



ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. LIVING ROOM – A SHORT WHILE LATER FRAN IS ON THE COUCH, TRYING TO GET THE
LAST BIT OF CAVIAR OUT OF THE JAR WITH HER FINGER.

FRAN: Come on, little fish egg. Come to mama.

SFX: DOORBELL RINGS.

FRAN GETS UP AND OPENS THE DOOR TO SYLVIA.

FRAN (CONT’D): Ma?

SYLVIA: Hi, darling.

SYLVIA ENTERS, GIVING FRAN A PECK ON THE CHEEK.

FRAN: What are you doing here?

SYLVIA: You feel a little flushed. Are you overheated?

FRAN: I was lying on the couch, how could I be overheated?

SYLVIA: Meanwhile your father’s friend Gus dropped dead on our couch. Lucky for
me I have plastic slip covers. The paramedics wrapped him up and took him away.

SYLVIA SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH

FRAN: (STILL AT THE DOOR) Come on in, Ma, make yourself at home.

SYLVIA: I gotta tell you about my lunch with Jack and Marsha. Uch, they give me
such a pain. (TOUCHES HER STOMACH) It feels like there’s an asparagus spear
sticking right through the wall of my stomach.

FRAN: Ma, it’s my day off. Do we have to discuss gas?

SYLVIA: So we’re sitting, we’re eating, and, per usual, Jack’s going on and on
about Marsha. Marsha and her doctor husband, Marsha and her four-karat
solitaire, Marsha and her beach-front property right next to Dan Marino.

FRAN: Who the hell is Dan Marino?

SYLVIA: How the hell should I know? Anyway, just when I’m about to scream, they
ask me about you.

FRAN/SYLVIA: (ADOPTING AN INFURIATINGLY SYMPATHETIC TONE) “And how is Fran
doing?”

FRAN (CONT'D): Oh, I hate that tone of voice.

SYLVIA: So I told them you eloped with a rich Broadway producer, and you live in
a palace on the Upper East Side.

FRAN: (HURT) Ma, how could you do that?

SYLVIA: What?

FRAN: You left out the butler.

SYLVIA: Damn.

FRAN: So how did they take the good news? I trust they were devastated?

SYLVIA: Crushed. You shoulda seen their faces.

FRAN: I woulda liked to.

SYLVIA: You will.

FRAN: What, you took pictures?

SYLVIA: (COYLY) No.

FRAN: (REALIZING) Oh no. No way, Ma. Where are they?

SYLVIA: Looking for a place to park.

SFX: DOORBELL RINGS

SYLVIA (CONT'D): Oh, good, they found one.

FRAN: Forget it. I’m not doing this.

SYLVIA: Fine, that’s your choice. It’s good to have choices. Not that I had a
choice when I was in labor with you for ten hours, with that big head.

FRAN: I’m sorry, Ma, it’ll never happen again.

SYLVIA: Darling, do it for me. It’ll shut Jack up once and for all. After I’m
dead, you can tell him whatever you want.

FRAN: Is it really so important that I gotta make up a whole story and pretend
I’m something I’m not?

SYLVIA: Would you?

FRAN: No.

FRAN OPENS THE DOOR TO UNCLE JACK AND COUSIN MARSHA. THEY’RE BOTH WELL-TANNED.
MARSHA WEARS PINK FROSTED LIPSTICK. THEY’VE BOTH RECOVERED FROM THE SHOCK OF
SYLVIA’S NEWS AND HAVE THEIR GAME FACES BACK ON. AD LIB HUGS AND KISSES.

MARSHA: Look at you, ya’ caught a husband! Mazel tov!

JACK: (TO SYLVIA) The way she was going, we were sure she’d wind up an old maid.


FRAN: (A BEAT, THEN GESTURING GRANDLY) Welcome to my home.

JACK AND MARSHA ENTER.

SYLVIA: (INDICATING THE ROOM) Heh, Jack? Heh? Is this a palace? She’s living
like Seigfried and Roy.

JACK AND MARSHA ARE IMPRESSED, BUT DO THEIR BEST TO HIDE IT.

JACK: Not bad. How many square feet?

FRAN: Oh, we don’t get into all that. As long as we’re comfortable, that’s all
that matters.

JACK: (TO MARSHA) Your place is what…?

MARSHA: Twenty-eight hundred.

FRAN: (NOT SKIPPING A BEAT) Ours is twenty-eight thousand. (THEN, REALIZING) The
upstairs is enormous. (BEAT) I’d put out a spread, but the butler is off today.

SYLVIA: The butler, Jack.

JACK: Yeah, I heard, Syl.

FRAN: Well, this has been fabulous, but if you miss your plane I’ll never
forgive myself.

JACK: You really think we’d go home without meeting the lucky man?

FRAN: You want to meet Mr. Sheffield?

MARSHA: You call your husband “Mr. Sheffield?”

FRAN: It’s a pet name. You know, Sheff, Sheffie…

SYLVIA: Chef Boy-Ardee

FRAN: Ma, stay outta my private life.

JACK: Sylvia says he looks just like Fernando Lamas.

FRAN: When he was alive. Unfortunately Maxwell’s at a rehearsal, he won’t be
home for hours.

MARSHA: So we’ll wait.

JACK: We bought full-fare tickets, we can change them anytime.

MARSHA: We’re not going anywhere till we meet this mystery man.

JACK AND MARSHA SIT.

NILES ENTERS.

NILES: I’m going to run down to the bank, I’ll –

FRAN: Honey, you’re home!

NILES: Beg your pardon?

FRAN: (CROSSING TO NILES) Rehearsal went quick, huh? Come here and meet your new
relatives. (SOTTO) These are the k’nockers from Boca.

NILES: (SOTTO) And they just k’nocked at your door?

FRAN LAUGHS EMBARRASSEDLY, AS THOUGH NILES HAD SAID SOMETHING VERY INTIMATE.

FRAN: Stop, Sheff, not here. (TO THE OTHERS) He’s so naughty. (SOTTO TO NILES)
You’re Mr. Sheffield, I’m your wife, we’re deliriously happy.

NILES: (LAUGHS, THEN SOTTO) What’s in it for me?

FRAN: Does the phrase “hairline crack in the Ming” mean anything to you?


NILES QUICKLY CROSSES TO JACK, HAND EXTENDED.

NILES: Maxwell Sheffield, producer.

JACK: (SHAKES HANDS) Jack Norman.

MARSHA: (SHAKING) I’m Marsha, nice to meet you.

NILES: Likewise. (EXTENDS HIS HAND TO SYLVIA) And you are…?

SYLVIA: Your mother-in-law.

NILES: (MAKING A JOKE OF IT, SMACKS HIS FOREHEAD) OH, right! I was drunk at the
wedding. (LAUGHS, PUTS AN ARM AROUND SYLVIA’S SHOULDER) How are you, mumsy?

JACK: They say entertainment is recession- proof. I take it business is good?

NILES: Too good. I curse every moment I’m away from my beautiful bride.

FRAN: Oh, Sheff…

NILES: Sure, I hobnob with the rich and famous. But the only time I’m truly
happy is when I’m with her. She’s my center. My compass. The love of my life.
Sorry, sometimes I get swept up in the magic that is Fran.

FRAN: Hey, who can blame you? (THEN) So, Marsha, how are things with you and
whatsisname?

MARSHA: (DEFENSIVELY) Stan. And they couldn’t be better. That man would throw
himself in front of a truck for me.

FRAN: That’s how she lost her first husband.

MARSHA: (GIVES FRAN A LOOK, THEN PROUDLY) Stan is a doctor.

FRAN: (DISMISSIVELY) Podiatrist.

MARSHA: So, where are your kids? I want to meet your kids. I should say his
kids, ‘cause, you know, they’re not the fruit of your womb.

FRAN: That’s why this womb can still wear a bikini.

NILES: Unfortunately the children, who adore my sweet Fran, went to the museum.

SYLVIA: (PICKING HER TEETH WITH A TOOTHPICK) They’re very cultured.

MARSHA: (ACCUSINGLY) They’re off by themselves? In this city?

FRAN: Marsha, please. What kinda mother you think I am? They’re with, uh… (TO
NILES) who are they with…?

NILES: Niles the butler.

FRAN: Oh yeah, I love him.

JACK: I thought it was his day off.

FRAN: It is. But it’s, you know… (TO NILES) what’s it called again?

NILES: I can’t wait to hear.

FRAN: It’s Butler Day at the museum.

MARSHA: Butler Day?

FRAN: Bring your butler, get a free beverage.

SFX: DOORBELL RINGS.

NILES REFLEXIVELY STARTS TO GET THE DOOR. FRAN STOPS HIM.

FRAN (CONT’D): (TO NILES) Babe, you always get the door. Let me wait on you.

FRAN CROSSES AND OPENS FRONT DOOR TO THE BUTLER INSPECTORS. TWO FASTIDIOUSLY
DRESSED GENTLEMEN NAMED STANTON AND GEORGE.

FRAN (CONT’D): Hello. Who are you?

STANTON: We’re from the Professional Butler Association.

GEORGE: We’ve come to observe Niles.

FRAN: Oy, I thought you were coming next Monday.

NILES HAS CROSSED IN FROM LIVING ROOM.

STANTON: It’s our policy to show up early, to catch the prospective member
unawares.

FRAN: Boy, you butlers are sharks. Unfortunately, Niles isn’t here. (TO NILES)
is he, darling?

NILES: (CONSIDERS HIS OPTIONS, THEN) No, darling, I’m afraid Niles is out.

FRAN: You’ll have to come back.

NILES: (POINTEDLY) Actually, darling, that might not be good. If they came back
to observe Niles they might confuse him with someone else.

FRAN: Huh? Oh, yeah. What he said.

NILES: (USHERING THE INSPECTORS IN) Come in. We’ll tell you everything you need
to know about Niles.

STANTON: I take it, sir, you’re the gentleman of the house?

NILES: Apparently.

STANTON: And you are the lady?

FRAN: (DEFENSIVE) Yeah, can’t ya’ tell?

STANTON REACTS. THEY CROSS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

FRAN (CONT’D): Guys, these are inspectors from the Butler Association. They want
to talk to me and him – Max – about our butler – Niles – who isn’t here.

NILES: (FOR THE INSPECTORS’ BENEFIT) And we miss him so. He’s quite
indispensable.

JACK: Are you guys butlers, too?

STANTON: Yes, we are.

JACK: I’m surprised you’re not at the museum.

STANTON: (CONFUSED) The museum?

NILES: So, what can we tell you about Niles? He’s organized, efficient,
considerate, tactful… I could go on and on, but in short, Niles is one of the
greatest – perhaps the greatest – service professional of our time.

FRAN: I’ll say. He’s right up there with Mr. French.

THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND MAXWELL BARGES IN, UPSET, FOLLOWED BY THE KIDS.

MAXWELL: You’re not going to believe this! They had to close the museum because
of a bomb threat. What kind of world are we living in?

HE’S TAKEN OFF HIS COAT AND THROWS IT TO NILES.

MAXWELL (CONT’D): Here.

THE COAT HITS NILES, BUT HE MAKES NO ATTEMPT TO CATCH IT, AND IT FALLS TO THE
FLOOR.

STANTON: Who is this person?

FRAN: Uhh… that would be Niles the butler.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

INT. LIBRARY – A SHORT WHILE LATER

FRAN, NILES, MAXWELL AND THE KIDS ARE IN MID-CONVERSATION.

MAXWELL: I leave the house for twenty minutes, and I come back to some bizarre
parallel universe. I’m you, you’re me, and you’re married to her.

FRAN: He could do worse.

NILES: And I have. Sir, I would be the last to coerce you…

FRAN: Coerce, coerce.

NILES: But I would point out that if Miss Fine’s relations see through our
little charade, they’ll never let her forget it. Or her poor mother.

FRAN: And if you blow it for Niles, he won’t get in the Butler Association and
his family name’ll be mud forever. By the way Niles, what is your family name?

NILES: Just Niles. Like Cher.

FRAN: The important thing is, your employees are bonding. It’s a beautiful
thing.

MAXWELL: Perhaps you’ll get your next job together.

FRAN: C’mon, I’m helping my mother, Niles is helping me, and so far you’ve been
no help at all… Mr. Sheffield, sir.

GRACE: I thought you weren’t suppose to fib.

FRAN: Technically no, but there’s a gray area when somebody’s feelings are at
stake. Like if your friend walks out of the ladies’ room with the back of her
dress tucked into her panty hose and her tush hanging out, you have to tell her.
But if she asks “Did those guys over there see anything?” you fib through your
teeth.

BRIGHTON: You gotta love her.

MAGGIE: Father, I think you should do it.

GRACE: Me, too.

BRIGHTON: Fran and Niles do so much for us. It’s the least we can do for them.

FRAN: How sweet.

BRIGHTON: (TO MAXWELL, DELIGHTED) And I get to boss you around.

MAXWELL: (TO FRAN AND NILES) Look, if you can pull it off, fine, but I won’t be
a part of it and neither will the children.

BRIGHTON: So what you’re saying is we have no rights?

MAXWELL: None whatsoever.

BRIGHTON: Just checking.

MAXWELL AND THE KIDS EXIT TOWARD LIVING ROOM, FRAN AND NILES EXCHANGE A LOOK AND
FOLLOW ALONG.

RESET TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

THE INSPECTORS ARE STANDING IN BUTLER POSITION, OBSERVING. SYLVIA IS SHOWING
JACK AND MARSHA VARIOUS OBJECTS D’ART MAXWELL AND THE KIDS ENTER AND HEAD FOR
THE STAIRS. FRAN AND NILES ENTER BEHIND THEM.

SYLVIA: This they picked up in Rome… This they picked up in the Orient… And
this, isn’t this gorgeous? This they picked up for me.

SHE STICKS IT IN HER POCKET.

FRAN: Ma!

SYLVIA: But I already have one.

SYLVIA IMMEDIATELY PULLS IT OUT OF HER POCKET AND RETURNS IT TO IT’S ORIGINAL
POSITION.

JACK: (TO SYLVIA) I am so parched.

MAXWELL PASSES BY.

JACK (CONT’D): You got something to drink?

MAXWELL: (AUTOMATICALLY) Niles!

JACK: (TO MAXWELL) Sorry. You got something to drink, Niles?

MARSHA: (RE: MAXWELL) Touchy, touchy.

THE INSPECTORS LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

STANTON/GEORGE: (DISAPPROVINGLY) Touchy.

THE INSPECTORS WRITE ON THEIR CLIPBOARDS.

STANTON: Just like the father.

THE INSPECTORS CLUCK THEIR TONGUES.

JACK: My Marsha knows how to run a household. She says jump, they go out on a
ledge.

FRAN: (SOTTO, TO NILES) That’s how she lost her second husband.

STANTON: Well, I think we’ve seen enough.

MARSHA: (TO STANTON) You can’t really hod the butler responsible. After all, the
help reflects the hostess.

MAXWELL: (BEAT, THEN TO JACK AND MARSHA) Will that be crushed ice or cubes?

BRIGHTON: All right Dad!! – (COVERING) e-o. My butler, with whom I have a cool
kind of hepcat kind of beatnik kind of –

MAGGIE: Shut up, Brighton.

BRIGHTON: Thank you.

MAXWELL: My apologies for the momentary lapse. The bomb scare must have rattled
my nerves. (TO INSPECTORS) They haven’t been the same since that unpleasantness
in the Falklands.

GEORGE: You saw action too? Which ship were you on?

MAXWELL: The other one.

MAXWELL STARTS TOWARD KITCHEN.

BRIGHTON: Oh, Niles?

MAXWELL: Yes, Brighton.

BRIGHTON: That’s Master Brighton. While you’re at it, rustle me up some chips –
I’m thinking onion and garlic – and a nice tall glass of soda. (TO MAGGIE AND
GRACE) Ladies?

MAGGIE: Soda sounds good. And some cake.

GRACE: And ice cream. In the soda. With a crazy straw.

MAXWELL: Do you really think your father would approve of all these sweets in
the middle of the day?

NILES: It’s not a problem for me.

MAGGIE: (TO NILES) You’re the coolest dad.

MAXWELL: She never says that to me.

FRAN: Of course not, you’re the butler.

MAXWELL: Right.

BRIGHTON: (TO MAXWELL) And while you’re out there, let’s lose those boots.

MAXWELL REACTS AND EXITS, FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY GEORGE.

FRAN: (PINCHING BRIGHTON’S CHEEKS) Is this a darling child or what? (SOTTO) Blow
it and I’ll pinch your cheeks right off. (THEN, TO EVERYONE) He just got elected
president of his class.

BRIGHTON: I believe in a place called “hope.” Where are my drinks?

BRIGHTON SNAPS HIS FINGERS.

SYLVIA: (RE: BRIGHTON) Smart as a whip, that one. He’s gonna be a real doctor. A
doctor doctor.

BRIGHTON: A gynecologist.

MARSHA: How nice. You should see our Libby. Here she is at the equestrian
center.

MARSHA SHOWS FRAN A PHOTO.

FRAN: (POINTING) Oh, beautiful smile.

MARSHA: That’s Lightning. There’s Libby.

FRAN: Oh look at her, she’s got your nose. The old one.

MARSHA LAUGHS WEAKLY. NOTE: AT SOME POINT DURING THE FOLLOWING, MARSHA WANDERS
UPSTAIRS.

JACK: Max, why don’t we let the gals gab while I tell you about some exciting
real estate opportunities in the greater Boca Raton area.

NILES: I really don’t think…

JACK: Wait, you’ll listen, you’ll decide. Prices have never been better thanks
to Hurricane Andrew. Lotsa fixer-uppers.

JACK LEADS NILES OVER TO THE PIANO, TAKES A SKETCH OUT OF HIS POCKET AND GOES
OVER IT. MAXWELL ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A TRAY OF REFRESHMENTS, FOLLOWED
CLOSELY BY GEORGE, TOO CLOSELY FOR MAXWELL’S COMFORT. NILES LOOKS OVER FROM
WHERE JACK IS SHOWING HIM THE SKETCH.

NILES: Back so soon, Niles? (TO INSPECTORS) Speedy service, as always.

MAXWELL: Thank you, sir. It’s all part of being a good butler.

HE TRIPS ON THE EDGE OF THE RUG AND ALMOST GOES SPRAWLING, BUT MANAGES TO
RECOVER HIS BALANCE AND MIRACULOUSLY KEEP WHAT’S LEFT OF THE REFRESHMENTS FROM
SPILLING OFF THE TRAY.

NILES: (LAUGHING HEARTILY) He’s a master of physical comedy.

FRAN: He studied with Buster Keaton’s butler.

AS MAXWELL GIVES JACK HIS ICE, HE ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKS JACK’S GLASS OVER.

JACK: Hey! Schlemiel!

NILES: (LAUGHS HEARTILY, HOLDING HIS SIDES) Enough, Niles, you’re killing me.

MAXWELL QUICKLY SETS THE GLASS RIGHT AND MOPS UP.

BRIGHTON: Do that trick where you free up our trust funds.

MARSHA ENTERS DOWN THE STAIRS.

MARSHA: Fran, your master bedroom is to die for. All that closet space…
(POINTEDLY) with none of your clothes.

MAXWELL: I sent them out to be dry cleaned.

MARSHA: All of them?

SYLVIA: They had to after the fire.

JACK: You just had a fire? I don’t see any damage.

FRAN: It was a closet fire. We contained it.

SFX: DOORBELL RINGS

FRAN/MAXWELL/NILES/SYLVIA: I’ll get it!

MAXWELL: I’m the butler, I’ll get it.

MAXWELL CROSSES TO ANSWER THE DOOR.

MARSHA: Oh no, you’re not fooling me for a minute. This entire marriage is a
sham. (INDICATING FRAN AND NILES) You’re not sleeping in the same bedroom. Admit
it.

FRAN: Okay, we’re not. But there’s a simple explanation (AT A LOSS) which is
none of your business, ‘cause it’s private.

SYLVIA: Maxwell served in the Falklands. It’s a war wound.

GEORGE: I thought it was Niles who served in the Falklands.

SYLVIA: Oh, right. Maxwell’s a producer. It’s a theater wound.

FRAN: (INCREDULOUS) “Theater wound” Ma, is there oxygen on your planet?

MAXWELL CROSSES BACK WITH A TEN YEAR OLD CHILD.

MAXWELL: This is Master Crawford. He’s here to invite Brighton to an inaugural
ball.

FRAN: (TO BRIGHTON) Oh, isn’t that nice, they’re throwing you a big bash. We’ll
get your hair cut, but not on a runway.

CRAWFORD: The party’s for me. I’m the president. (INDICATING BRIGHTON) He’s just
the eraser monitor.

MAGGIE: I knew no one would vote for you.

FRAN: (TO MAGGIE AND GRACE) Time for bed, girls, you’re getting cranky.

GRACE: It’s only three o’clock.

FRAN: You’ll read.

MAGGIE AND GRACE EXIT UP THE STAIRS. EVERYONE LOOKS AT BRIGHTON.

MAXWELL: Brighton?

BRIGHTON: Excuse me.

BRIGHTON RUNS INTO THE KITCHEN.

FRAN: Oh, Brighton.

FRAN FOLLOWS.

MAXWELL: Excuse me. At a time like this they may need… refreshments.

MAXWELL EXITS TO THE KITCHEN. STANTON AND GEORGE START TO FOLLOW, BUT NILES
INTERCEPTS THEM, STEERING THEM AWAY.

NILES: Let me take this opportunity to tell you a little more about Niles. It’s
hard to talk in front of him, praise embarrasses him so. Did I mention that he’s
the greatest service professional of our time?

STANTON/GEORGE: Yes, you did.

NILES: Let’s pick up from there.

RESET TO:

INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

BRIGHTON: Everyone made such a big deal when I was running for president, I
didn’t know how to tell you I lost.

FRAN: Aw, honey. Well at least you got nominated.

BRIGHTON: I nominated myself.

FRAN: Oh.

MAXWELL: Brighton, it doesn’t matter that you’re the (WITH DIFFICULTY) eraser
monitor. I’d be proud of you even if you were the…

BRIGHTON: There’s nothing lower, Dad.

FRAN: Who needs to be the president? All that paperwork, meetings after school,
responsibilities? Plus no one’s ever assassinated an eraser monitor.

MAXWELL: What Miss Fine is trying to say is… What exactly are you trying to say?


FRAN: Honey, we’re proud of you no matter what you do, as long as you do it
well. You don’t have to pretend you’re something you’re not.

BRIGHTON: Isn’t that what you’re doing?

FRAN: (BEAT) Yes, as a matter of fact. And why doesn’t my mother think I’m good
enough?

RESET TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

SYLVIA: Oh sure, they got their own Lear jet. They flew me to Pennsylvania for a
Hershey.

JACK: (TO MARSHA) I’m lucky if you drive me to the dog track.

SYLVIA: Fran and I are more than mother and daughter. We’re like the best of
friends.

FRAN ENTERS.

FRAN: Ma, why can’t you love me for what I am?

SYLVIA: Eighty-six it. I’ve got them eating out of my hand.

FRAN: Enough with the charade.

SYLVIA: Fran…

FRAN: Ma, let it go. It’s over. You were just like this with Perot. (TO JACK AND
MARSHA) The truth is, I’m not married. This is not my house. I’m the nanny here.
I work for Mr…

SHE POINTS AT MAXWELL, NILES WHIMPERS. SHE POINTS AT NILES.

FRAN(CONT'D): Sheffield.

NILES SIGHS, RELIEVED.

SYLVIA: (HOLDS HER STOMACH) Oy, there’s that asparagus spear, again.

MARSHA: (ECSTATIC) You’re just a nanny? Did you hear that, Daddy? She’s just a
nanny.

MAXWELL: If I may speak as just the butler… Miss Fine is not just anything.
She’s an essential part of this family. She’s transformed this house into a
home, she’s done wonders with the children and I haven’t seen Mr. Sheffield this
happy for a long time.

FRAN: Oh, that is the sweetest. Thank you, Mr. (CATCHES HERSELF) Niles.

STANTON: That was a very moving speech.

GEORGE: And totally inappropriate.

NILES: I’ll decide what’s inappropriate in my home. I like a bit of sentiment
among the servants.

MARSHA: You hear that, Daddy? Servant.

JACK: Yeah. That must really hurt, Syl.

SYLVIA: Ah, shut up, Jack! I wouldn’t change Fran for all the Marshas in Miami.
Now go get the car, I’ll meet you out front.

SYLVIA WALKS MARSHA AND JACK TO THE DOOR. FRAN FOLLOWS IN TOW.

FRAN: Ma, you’re the best.

THEY HUG.

SYLVIA: Meanwhile, don’t quit your job. Your boss has the hots for you.

FRAN: Ma!

SYLVIA: Me, I love you just the way you are, but your father’d like to see a
ring on your finger.

SYLVIA EXITS.

STANTON: Well, we’ve seen all we need to see. (TO MAXWELL) Niles, we’d like to
welcome you to the Professional Butlers Association.

MAXWELL: I don’t know what to say. I’m really rather touched.

CC ENTERS.

CC: Good afternoon, all.

FRAN: Oy.

CC CROSSES TO THE SOFA.

CC: (TO MAXWELL) I just had a fabulous conversation with our investors. I think
I got us the St. James Theater for January.

MAXWELL: Wonderful. (TO NILES) Did you hear that, Mr. Sheffield?

NILES: Yes, I heard and I’m very excited.

CC: Mr. Sheffield? What is going on here?

SHE SEES THE MOUSE RIGHT NEXT TO HER ON THE BACK OF THE SOFA AND SCREAMS.

CC (CONT'D): Ahhh! I have to go! I have to go! Max, I’ll call you later.

NILES: Looking forward to it.

CC REACTS AND EXITS

FRAN: (TO NILES) Now that’s what I call karma.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

本文未完，查阅更多请“点击此处”阅读全文（Read more）……

S1-E05 - Here Comes The Brood

Written by Diane Wilk

SECOND DRAFT July 19, 1993

Episode 1.5

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. SHEFFIELD LIVING ROOM – DAY

(GRACIE PLAYS WITH HER BARBIE DOLLS WHICH ARE SEATED IN A CIRCLE ON THE COFFEE
TABLE. FRAN ENTERS AND IS DRAWN OVER, CURIOUS)

GRACIE: (IN A MODULATED VOICE) We have to stop now, Barbie. Our time is up.

FRAN: What are you doing?

GRACIE: They’re in group therapy.

FRAN: What’s the matter with you? Play normal. Besides, if you straighten these
people out where’s the fun? (SITS NEXT TO GRACIE; SWITCHES DOLLS AROUND) Now,
Ken has had a thing with Barbie since before I was playing, so you never see
them together. In the Dream Car maybe. Never in the Dream House.

GRACIE: (CONSIDERS THIS) Unless there’s a party with other dolls around.

FRAN: There you go. That would never come out in therapy.

GRACIE: Barbie’s in denial.

FRAN: Of course. Look at her feet. That’s all from frustration. Never trust a
woman who can’t wear flats.

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. SHEFFIELD LIVING ROOM – MORNING

(NILES ARRANGES FRESH CUT FLOWERS IN A VASE. FRAN ENTERS WEARING A BATHROBE,
HOLDING A CUP OF COFFEE)

FRAN: (SCREAMS UPSTAIRS) Kids, hurry up, the limo’s waiting!!

(NILES CRINGES)

FRAN: (CONT’D) I love saying that.

NILES: And I love hearing it.

(SFX: DOORBELL RINGS)




(NILES STARTS FOR THE DOOR)



FRAN: I’ll get it. Finish what you were doing.



NILES: I have finished.



FRAN: You’ll look again.



(NILES RE-EXAMINES HIS HANDIWORK. FRAN OPENS THE DOOR. IT’S C.C.)



FRAN: (CONT’D) Hiii, C.C.



(C.C. ENTERS)



C.C.: Hello, Miss Fine.



FRAN: Make yourself comfortable.



C.C.: (OFF FRAN’S ROBE) I see you have. (C.C. TAKES A SEAT ON THE COUCH)



FRAN: (SCREAMS UPSTAIRS) Mr. Sheffield! C.C.’s here!!



NILES: There goes the other ear.



FRAN: (WAGS A FINGER) Don’t start with me, Niles.



(MAGGIE AND GRACIE COME DOWNSTAIRS IN THEIR PRIVATE SCHOOL UNIFORMS)



FRAN: (CONT’D) Aren’t we gorgeous.



GRACIE: We wear the same thing everyday.



FRAN: Trust me. Men dream about these outfits.



(FRAN ADJUSTS THEIR CARDIGANS, SMOOTHS THE PLEATS ON THEIR SKIRTS, ETC. MAXWELL
COMES DOWNSTAIRS WITH BRIGHTON IN HIS TRACKS)



MAXWELL: Brighton cut himself shaving again.



FRAN: (TO BRIGHTON) What’s your hurry? Wait till you get some hair!



(FRAN MINISTERS TO BRIGHTON. MAXWELL OPENS HIS MAIL)



MAGGIE: (RUBBING HER TEMPLES) Daddy, I’ve got another headache.



MAXWELL: (CONCERNED) Oh no, Maggie…



FRAN: (TO MAGGIE) Let’s save this look for when you need a facelift.



(FRAN REMOVES THE BARRETTE HOLDING MAGGIE’S HAIR TIGHTLY BACK)



MAGGIE: Wow…? I feel the blood rushing back…



NILES: (TO MAXWELL) I’ll cancel the MRI.



(MAXWELL SHOOTS HIM A LOOK)



FRAN: Say good-bye to your father, kids.



(THE KIDS AND MAXWELL AD-LIB GOOD-BYES, KISSES, THEN DO THE SAME TO FRAN. EXCEPT
BRIGHTON)



BRIGHTON: I hate the limo. I get carsick.



FRAN: Take a cab in New York, you’ll get a heart attack. Don’t be so ungrateful.
Your father had to walk ten miles in the snow to his limo.



(AND THE KIDS ARE OUT)



MAXWELL: Ah, C.C., Sorry to keep you waiting. (HOLDS UP ENVELOPE) The contracts
arrived this morning.



C.C.: (POPS OPEN HER ATTACHE) I’ve got the limited partnership agreements as
well.



(MAXWELL AND C.C. SWAP DOCUMENTS, SIT DOWN AND STUDY THEM. FRAN SITS ON THE BACK
OF THE COUCH)



FRAN: Y’know, you should do a show with Cher. She’s pushing those hair products
now, you could probably get her for nothing. (BEAT) Did she do something to her
face? Her lips are not the same.



(C.C. ROLLS HER EYES. NILES BRINGS OVER COFFEE SERVICE, POURS MAXWELL A CUP)



MAXWELL: (SIPS; GRIMACES IN PAIN) Blasted tooth…



FRAN: Ohh? You need to see a dentist.



MAXWELL: Nonsense. I just… slept on it wrong.



FRAN: How do you sleep on a tooth?



MAXWELL: One can do many things when there’s quiet.



FRAN: Excuse me. What is it with the English and teeth?



MAXWELL: (RISES; TO C.C.) We’ll be late for the lawyers if we don’t step on it.



C.C.: (RISES) Yes, let’s get out of here.



FRAN: Wait, lemme fix your tie.



MAXWELL: No good? I thought I’d try a double Windsor knot. Churchill wore one.



FRAN: Was he hiding a goiter?



(FRAN CROSSES WITH MAXWELL TO A MIRROR AND PROCEEDS TO RETIE HIS TIE FOR HIM.
C.C. SITS BACK DOWN)



C.C.: Coffee, Niles.



NILES: No, thank you. I’m already speeding.



C.C.: For me.



(NILES POURS HER A CUP. C.C. WATCHES THE INTERACTION BETWEEN MAXWELL AND FRAN)



C.C.: (CONT’D) The domestic vignettes around here are enough to make you ill.



NILES: It seems to agree with Mr. Sheffield.



C.C.: He does seem happy again. I was so worried about him.



NILES: I’m sure you’ll rest easy now.



C.C.: (CONT’D) Does Nanny Fine ever give it a rest?



NILES: Only on her day off.



C.C.: That’s tomorrow, isn’t it? How will you manage?



(FRAN FOLLOWS MAXWELL BACK)



FRAN: Hold it, you got some schmutz.



(FRAN WETS A KLEENEX IN HER MOUTH AND WIPES SHAVING CREAM OFF HIS FACE)



C.C.: Did you just spit on that tissue and rub it on his face?



FRAN: I brushed.



(FRAN EXITS UPSTAIRS)



MAXWELL: (TO C.C.) There are things about Miss Fine you wouldn’t want to change.
Anyway, if you did, I doubt that you could. Shall we? (MAXWELL HEADS FOR THE
DOOR)



C.C.: Maxwell, tomorrow’s Saturday. Let’s go to the zoo!



MAXWELL: (STOPS) The zoo? C.C., what have I ever done to make you think I’d have
the slightest interest in that?



C.C.: It’s the nanny’s day off. It’ll be fun! We’ll be like one big, happy
family. You and I.



MAXWELL: And the children.



C.C.: Of course. You can’t always think of yourself.



MAXWELL: C.C., this is a side of you that’s rather unexpected. You want to spend
the day with them?



C.C.: Maxwell, I adore children. I don’t know why that should be so surprising.
It’s a natural thing. A female thing.



(C.C. SMILES CONFIDENTLY)



NILES: Some females eat their young.



CUT TO:



ACT ONE



SCENE TWO



INT. SHEFFIELD DINING ROOM – NEXT MORNING



(THE FAMILY SITS AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE. FRAN ENTERS. IN LIEU OF A ROBE, SHE
WEARS AN ATTRACTIVE SUIT)



FRAN: Morning, everyone.



(KIDS AD-LIB G’MORNINGS)



MAXWELL: Your attire’s a welcome change of pace, Miss Fine.



FRAN: Pure linen. Bloomingdale’s after season sale. (REACTS OFF SUIT) Ugh, I
haven’t even left the house yet? It only looks crisp on the hanger. I’m not
hungry, Niles, I’ll just pick. (PICKS FOOD OFF SERVING TABLE WITH HER FINGERS)
Maggie, they got some gorgeous moules left over from summer. Naturally, it helps
if you wear a ten. Or a five.



(FRAN USES THE SERVING FORK AND PICKS OFF IT. NILES CAN’T LOOK)



FRAN: Why dirty a fork? I’m only thinking of you, you gotta clean it.



MAXWELL: Well, are we all excited about going to the zoo?



BRIGHTON: About as excited as you, Dad.



FRAN: Your father is thrilled to spend a day with his family.



MAGGIE: Since when is Miss Babcock part of our family?



MAXWELL: As long as she raises half the money for Daddy’s shows.



GRACIE: The zoo gives me major anxiety.



BRIGHTON: C’mon, Gracie. It’s not like the otters are going to… EAT YOU!



(GRACIE SCREAMS, BOLTS FROM THE TABLE AND GLOMS ONTO FRAN)



BRIGHTON: (CONT’D) I’d book two sessions next week, Dad.



GRACIE: I want to stay with Fran!



FRAN: Gracie, I have to go to a wedding. I’m a bridesmaid. I could scream too,
you should see the dress I’m wearing.



(NILES CROSSES TO MAXWELL WITH A PLATE OF TOAST. MAXWELL WAVES HIM AWAY)



SFX: DOORBELL RINGS



(NILES GOES TO ANSWER IT)



FRAN: (CONT’D) Not hungry, Mr. Sheffield?



MAXWELL: Full.



FRAN: Uh-huh. Lemme see you eat.



(MAXWELL PICKS UP BRIGHTON’S TOAST, BITES OFF A PIECE, SMILES)



FRAN: Chew.



MAXWELL: (DOES) Owwww…?!



FRAN: That’s it, no zoo for you. You’re seeing a dentist.



(BRIGHTON, MAGGIE AND GRACIE HIGH-FIVE “YES!”)



MAXWELL: Dentists don’t work on Saturday’s.



FRAN: Oh yeah? My Uncle Myron…



MAXWELL: How did I know?



FRAN: He’s built an entire practice on availability.



(NILES REENTERS WITH C.C., DRESSED IN A SAFARI ENSEMBLE COMPLETE WITH PITH
HELMET TIED ON WITH SCARF)



NILES: (OFF THE HELMET) Having a bad hair day?



C.C.: (IGNORES HIM) Good morning everyone! Ready for our outing?



MAXWELL: C.C…



C.C.: One second, Maxwell, you have some crumbs…



(SHE WIPES HIS MOUTH WITH A NAPKIN…)



MAXWELL: (IN AGONY) AAAAHHHH??!!!



NILES: Funny, I had the same reaction. But I internalized it.



(C.C.’S MORITFIED)



FRAN: It’s not you, C.C. (TO MAXWELL) I’m telling you. You could have an
abscess.



MAXWELL: Or something that sounds equally as good. C.C., we can’t go to the zoo.
I have to see Miss Fine’s Uncle Myron.



FRAN: (TO C.C.) He’s an excellent perio. If your gums bleed, there’s no where
else to turn.



MAXWELL: Especially on Saturday.



C.C.: Maxwell, you poor dear? I’ll drive you.



FRAN: No, we’ll take the limo.



C.C.: “We’ll?”



FRAN: he can drop me off. It’s on the way, C.C., you go to the zoo, the kids are
looking forward to it.



(THE KIDS GESTURE EMPHATICALLY: IXNAY!)



FRAN: (CONT’D) Be nice. Ms. Babcock got all dressed up for you.



C.C.: Actually, I’ve worn this for everyday.



FRAN: Right. (TO KIDS) Well, it’s a jungle out there.



(THE KIDS LOOK TO THEIR FATHER)



MAXWELL: You may be excused.



(THE KIDS DASH OUT OF THE ROOM)



MAXWELL: (CONT’D) Miss Fine.



FRAN: Yeah?



MAXWELL: You too.



FRAN: Oh. Why didn’t you say so? What am I Karnac?



(FRAN EXITS)



MAXWELL: C.C. I don’t know if this is such a good idea, taking the children by
yourself. They are a handful.



C.C.: I think I’m at least as capable as Nanny Fine.



MAXWELL: I know. It’s a female thing.



NILES: And you are a female thing.



(C.C. SHOOTS HIM A LOOK)



MAXWELL: Let’s be honest, children aren’t exactly your strong suit.



C.C.: Maxwell, you hurt me. Deeply. You do.



MAXWELL: I don’t mean to hurt you.



NILES: Allow me.



C.C.: I beg your pardon!



NILES: The dishes.



(NILES STARTS TO CLEAR THE TABLE)



MAXWELL: I really think I should let you off the hook.



C.C.: (STAMPS HER FOOT) I don’t want to be let off the hook!



NILES: She wants her hooks in.



C.C.: Would you let us talk? (TO MAXWELL) Admittedly, it would’ve been more
productive if you could’ve come along.



MAXWELL: Because it was supposed to be a family outing.



C.C.: That too. Maxwell, it’s time you stopped thinking of me as solely your
business partner, and more like a close… close… friend. I won’t let you
disappoint the children, and that’s final.



(FRAN REENTERS)



FRAN: I reached Uncle Myron on seventeenth hole. He’s got a cellular phone.
He’ll meet you at the office.



MAXWELL: (HOLDS HIS CHEEK) Maybe I should take an Advil first.



FRAN: You won’t feel a thing. He uses a humongus needle.



(MAXWELL PALES; EXITS)



FRAN: Men are such babies, aren’t they? The kids are ready for you. Keep Maggie
in sun block, with that complexion freckles are a sin. Gracie is terrified of
otters, go straight to seals, period. Now, Brighton will nag you for junk food.
Whatever you do, don’t give in. It’s murder getting’ vomit out of pith…



(C.C. TOUCHES HER PITH HELMET WITH ALARM; AND WE…)



DISSOLVE TO:



ACT ONE



SCENE THREE



INT. SHEFFIELD LIVING ROOM – LATER – SAME DAY



(NILES IS DUSTING. THE DOOR OPENS; BRIGHTON, MAGGIE AND GRACIE TRUDGE IN LOOKING
MISERABLE AND PLOP THEMSELVES ON THE COUCH, EXHAUSTED. C.C. ENTERS AFTER THEM, A
TOTAL WRECK)



NILES: If it isn’t “The African Queen.”



C.C.: (HANDS OVER HER PITH HELMET) Burn this, would you.



NILES: (GETS A WHIFF) New perfume?



C.C.: Yes. (GLARING AT BRIGHTON) Eau de corn dog, cotton candy, chili fries and
a Slurpee. (TO NILES) Where’s Maxwell?



NILES: Upstairs recuperating from the “Tooth Fairy.” How was the zoo?



C.C.: Glorious! I had no idea how many marsupials there were! Perhaps if there
wasn’t such a PUNGENT aroma in the marsupial house, one could linger longer
before passing out!



GRACIE: (TO BRIGHTON AND MAGGIE) I think she’s having a nervous breakdown.



C.C.: I am not! (ASIDE) Niles, bring me a Valium.



NILES: We don’t keep drugs in the house.



C.C.: What is this Red China?!



NILES: The children.



C.C.: The children! (CROSSES TO THEM) Well, what shall we do now? Shoot
ourselves?



BRIGHTON: (TO MAGGIE) She’s wacko.



C.C.: Oh, we’re feeling better, aren’t we!



MAGGIE: (TO BRIGHTON) Shoot her.



C.C.: Maggie, coming out of your shell? Was it the solid hour at the tortoise
PIT that did it?



MAGGIE: Gracie wanted to watch them eat the lettuce.



C.C.: (GLARING AT GRACIE) She just didn’t want to walk past the OTTERS! Can I
help it if the dratted tram broke down??!!



GRACIE: Fran never yells at us.



C.C.: If I hear the “F” word one more time…



BRIGHTON: You mean FRAN?



C.C.: You’re like broken records! All day long, Fran, Fran, Fran!



MAGGIE: Fran enjoys spending time with us.



C.C.: (TURNS ON THEM) Let me tell you something about your beloved nanny! She
gets paid to spend time with you! She doesn’t do it out of her own free will!!



GRACIE: That’s not true!!



(GRACIE RUNS UPSTAIRS. MAGGIE GOES AFTER HER. C.C.REACTS. NILES DUSTS PAST)



NILES: To quote Miss Fine: “Oy.”



(NILES EXITS)



C.C.: What did I say?



(C.C. LOOKS UPSTAIRS APPREHENSIVELY)



BRIGHTON: Y’know, Miss Babcock, we’re a lot alike. We both blurt out things that
are potentially hurtful and damaging. The difference is… I can be bought.



(BRIGHTON HOLDS OUT HIS PALM. C.C. GREASES IT WITH A TWENTY…)



CUT TO:



ACT ONE



SCENE FOUR



INT. SYLVIA’S LIVING ROOM – LATER – EVENING



(SYLVIA, WEARING A GOWN UNZIPPED IN THE BACK, APPLIES NAIL POLISH TO A RUN IN
HER PANTY HOSE. FRAN ENTERS WEARING A STUPID BRIDESMAID GOWN WITH PUFF SLEEVES
AND A BOW AROUND THE WAIST. THE SCENE IS PLAYED IN DOUBLE-TIME – RUSHING TO GET
READY)



FRAN: Look at me. I look like Pat Boone’s mistress. (CROSSES TO MIRROR) What,
God forbid I should outshine the bride? Is it my fault she’s a size fourteen?
Did I put the doughnuts in her mouth? Ma, you’re supposed to use clear. That
looks like somebody bit you.



SYLVIA: I should be so lucky. Zip me up.



(FRAN STRUGGLES TO ZIP SYLVIA’S DRESS)



SYLVIA: (CONT’D) Too tight?



FRAN: (OFF THE CIRSS-CROSSED SPAGHETTI STRAPS) I don’t know about those straps.
Your back looks like a ham.



SYLVIA: The salesgirl said I looked like a dream!



FRAN: Yeah, Oscar Meyers.



SYLVIA: (PUTS ON LIPSTICK) She should choke on her commission.



FRAN: (STUFFS HER EVENING BAG) What are these mints? (TAKES THEM OUT; LOOKS AT
SYLVIA) Mothballs.



SYLVIA: (LOOKS AT HER WATCH) How did it get to be six o’clock?!



FRAN: (PANICS) You give yourself three hours! Where does the time go?!



SYLVIA: Comb your father’s hair.



(FRAN GETS A HEAD FORM WITH A TOUPEE ON IT OUT OF THE CLOSET ALONG WITH A COMB
AND SOME GLUE)



SYLVIA: (CONT’D) (CALLS OUT) Morty, we’re leaving without you!!



FRAN: Save your breath. It’s the ninth inning.



SYLVIA: Part it on the right. For some reason it stays in the wind.



FRAN: On the left is better. One eye is smaller.



SYLVIA: Where are my shoes?!



FRAN: On the coffee table. I found them in the refrigerator. If you bought
leather your feet wouldn’t sweat.



SYLVIA: I needed lemon colored shoes like a hole in the head. (PUTS THEM ON) Oy,
they’re like rocks? (INDICATES TOUPEE) Take that into your father before the
glue dries.



FRAN: Too late.



(FRAN EXITS TRYING TO PULL OFF THE TOUPEE STUCK TO HAND)



(SFX: DOORBELL RINGS)



SYLVIA: Who the hell is that?



(SYLVIA OPENS THE DOOR REVEALING…)



SYLVIA: (CONT’D) Gracie?



FADE OUT.



END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO



SCENE ONE



FADE IN:



INT. SYLVIA’S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS ACTION



(SYLVIA PULLS GRACIE INSIDE)



SYLVIA: Come in, sweetheart, sit down…



(FRAN REENTERS)



GRACIE: Hi, Fran.



FRAN: Gracie, what are you doing here?



GRACIE: Just visiting.



SYLVIA: She’s all alone!



FRAN: What?! What happened to C.C.?



GRACIE: She’s fine. I called the limo service.



SYLVIA: What if they got a flat? A child like that, by herself, it’s pitch dark!




FRAN: Omigod, does anyone know where you are?



(GRACIE SHAKES HER HEAD “NO”)



SYLVIA: They found a little girl in Rego Park. Not all of her.



FRAN: Ma, you’re scaring me. Would you stop?



(SYLVIA FLOPS IN A CHAIR; FANNING HERSELF)



SYLVIA: Speak amongst yourselves. I’m getting palpitations…



FRAN: Gracie, you can’t just hire a limo and go traipsing around the city it’s
not safe.



GRACIE: It’s not?



FRAN: (TO SYLVIA) These people are so sheltered!



GRACIE: (SHRUGS) I miss you.



FRAN: Oh honey,, I miss you too. And I bet I’m not the only one. I’m calling
your father right now, okay?



SYLVIA: Call him! You’re asking a six old’s permission.



(FRAN GLARES AT SYLVIA)



GRACIE: (RESIGNED) Okay.



(FRAN GIVES GRACIE A HUG, HEADS TO THE PHONE)



SYLVIA: (SOTTO) You could get fired for this.



FRAN: (SOTTO) It’s my day off! What did I do?



SYLVIA: (SOTTO) She’s too emotionally attached to you.



FRAN: (SOTTO) Louder. This kid’s toys are in therapy.



CUT TO:



ACT TWO



SCENE TWO



INT. SHEFFIELD LIBRARY/SYLVIA’S LIVING ROOM – MOMENTARILY



(NILES POURS TEA FOR C.C. AND MAXWELL)



C.C.: I wish you could’ve been there, Maxwell, the children and I had a
marvelous time! Oh, Brighton was his usual self, but I’m not easily offended.



NILES: Ms. Babcock’s famous for “taking it” lying down.



(C.C. SHOOTS HIM A LOOK. MAXWELL IS SLAPPING HIS JAW)



C.C.: Darling, why are you slapping yourself?



MAXWELL: Uncle Myron gave me enough Nova Caine to bring down an elephant. then
he went on about his son, Hymie, who took ten years of tap. I kept begging to be
gassed.



(SFX: PHONE RINGS)



NILES: (ANSWERS IT) Sheffield residence. (TO MAXWELL) It’s Miss Fine, sir.



MAXWELL: (TAKES THE CALL) Hello, Miss Fine…



INTER CUT: (OR) SPLIT-SCREEN: SYLVIA’S LIVING ROOM



(GRACIE STANDS NEXT TO FRAN, SYLVIA SCRUTINIZES HER)



SYLVIA: She’s so skinny! Don’t you feed this child?



(FRAN GESTURES FOR SYLVIA TO SHUT UP)



FRAN: How are you, Mr. Sheffield, everything all right?



MAXWELL: Everything’s splendid! C.C. and the children had a wonderful time.



(C.C. BASKS IN THE GLORY)



MAXWELL: (CONT’D) It’s nice of you to call, but really it wasn’t necessary.



FRAN: Oh yeah? Say hello, Gracie.



GRACIE: (INTO PHONE) Hello.



MAXWELL: (REACTS; LOOKS AT C.C.) Gracie’s there? With you?



C.C.: (CONSIDERS THIS) That’s not possible. I’m sure she came home with us.



MAXWELL: Don’t you know?! C.C. she was in your care!



C.C.: (DEFENSIVELY) She could’ve sneaked out without me seeing her! She is very
small!



MAXWELL: (INTO PHONE) I’m leaving right now.



FRAN: So are we. You’ll have to pick her up at the wedding. Leonard’s on Cassena
Blvd… Ask for the Mishkin party.



END INTER CUT: (OR) SPLIT SCREEN: INT. SYLVIA’S LIVING ROOM



(FRAN HANGS UP THE PHONE)



GRACIE: (EXCITED) I’m coming with you?



FRAN: Stick with me. You’ll eat, you’ll dance…



(THE WOMEN PUT ON THEIR COATS; FRAN’S IN A LEOPARD-SPOTTED FAKE FUR, SYLVIA’S
WAS ONCE A MINK JACKET THAT’S BEEN EXTENDED TO FULL LENGTH WITH LEATHER PANEL
INSERTS; AND HEAD FOR THE DOOR)



SYLVIA: (CALLS OUT) Morty!!! (TO FRAN) One day I’ll burst a lung.



FRAN: I’ll pull the car around.



GRACIE: We’ve got a perfectly good limo right here.



(FRAN AND SYLVIA EXCHANGE GLANCES)



FRAN: (TO GRACIE) After you.



(THEY EXIT; AND WE…)



DISSOLVE TO:



ACT TWO



SCENE THREE



EXT. LEONARD’S BALLROOM AND CATERING – NIGHT – (EST)



(A BAND PLAYS THE OLD FAVORITES. THE DANCE FLOOR IS PACKED. AT TABLES GUESTS
STUFF THEIR FACES AND SCHMOOZE. GRACIE HAS THE TIME OF HER LIFE AT A TABLE
FILLED WITH KIDS. SYLVIA’S TABLE IS EMPTY UNTIL FRAN JOINS HER)



FRAN: Where’s daddy?



SYLVIA: They got ESPN at the bar. That’s why everyone’s dancing and I sit alone
like a dog. Why aren’t you with the wedding party?



FRAN: Look at them. I feel like I’m part of the King family.



SYLVIA: (INDICATES HER PLATE) Chicken. For this I gave a fifty dollar check. I
should’ve bought a bond. Let them wait.



FRAN: Ma, don’t look now. Aunt Pola’s wearing your dress.



SYLVIA: (WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT) That’s the copy.



(MAXWELL AND C.C. WANDER IN, TOTALLY OUT OF THEIR ELEMENT)



FRAN: (CONT’D) (WAVES) Mr. Sheffield, over here.



SYLVIA: Who’s the blonde?



FRAN: That’s C.C. his business associate.



SYLVIA: Uh-huh, so that’s what they call ‘em nowadays.



FRAN: She wishes.



(MAXWELL AND C.C. ARRIVE AT THE TABLE)



FRAN: (CONT’D) Mr. Sheffield, you remember my mother.



MAXWELL: Sylvia. Charmed.



SYLVIA: Makes two of us. (TO C.C.) Sylvia Fine.



C.C.: C.C. Babcock. How do you do.



(THEY SHAKE HANDS)



SYLVIA: (ASIDE TO FRAN) Like a fish.



MAXWELL: Miss Fine, I hope Gracie wasn’t too much trouble…



SYLVIA: Ah, she’s having a ball!



FRAN: (INDICATES) She’s the hit of the cousins table.



C.C.: I had to come. I couldn’t imagine what drove her… (LOOKS AROUND) to this.



FRAN: The more the merrier.



SYLVIA: Excuse me. (TO FRAN) I’ve got to bring Morty a plate. (MUTILATES FOOD)
No skin… Oy, so much butter…



FRAN: She’s got to de-flavorize it first.



SYLVIA: Better he should drop dead on me.



(SYLVIA LEAVES. A LITTLE BOY PASSES BY THE TABLE, FRAN INTERCEPTS HIM)



FRAN: (CONT’D) Jeffrey, go get Gracie.



MUSIC CUE: HORA



(THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE DANCED ON CHAIRS)



MAXWELL: (FASCINATED) Why are they being carried on chairs?



FRAN: They want to see who showed up. So anyway, no harm was done. She missed
me. Isn’t that cute? Your limo service should be strung up. They take a call
from a child?



(UNCLE MYRON, A GENIAL FELLA, CROSSES WITH A BALD GUY IN TOW)



UNCLE MYRON: (TO MAXWELL) Sheffield, I thought it was you.



MAXWELL: Ah, Uncle Myron. The Sweeney Todd of dentistry.



FRAN: I forgot! How’s your tooth? (TO UNCLE MYRON; WAGS A FINGER) I want a
kickback.



UNCLE MYRON: (TO MAXWELL) You mind? I just want Leo to take a look. Open please



(MAXWELL REALIZES WHAT HE MEANS, OPENS HIS MOUTH. C.C. LOOKS ON AGHAST. UNCLE
MYRON SHOWS BALD GUY)



UNCLE MYRON: (CONT’D) Beautiful, huh? You should’ve seen it before I went in.
(TO MAXWELL) Close. Thank you. (NOTICES C.C.) Hey, who’s this cookie?



FRAN: Go back to Ceil.



(UNCLE MYRON KNOWS HE’S WORN OUT HIS WELCOME, TAKES BALD GUY WITH HIM)



FRAN: (CONT’D) He thinks he’s an artist. You know how it is.



(GRACIE CROSSES, HANGING HER HEAD)



GRACIE: Hi, Daddy.



MAXWELL: (HUGS HER) Gracie, don’t ever do this again.



C.C.: Dear, you had us worried sick.



FRAN: You have to go now. Your father’s here.



GRACIE: I don’t want to leave yet.



MAXWELL: It’s Miss Fine’s day off. You mustn’t intrude.



GRACIE: Then it’s true.



MAXWELL: What’s true?



GRACIE: Fran only spends time with me because you pay her to. And she wouldn’t
if she had any free will.



FRAN: Who fills her head with that nonsense? (REALIZES) Oy.



C.C.: (FLIMSILY) I meant it in the nicest possible way.



MAXWELL: C.C., what on earth possessed you?



(UNCLE MYRON RETURNS, WITH HIS SON, HYMIE, A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD JOEL GRAY)



UNCLE MYRON: I’m interrupting? Sheffield, this is my son, Hymie.



MAXWELL: Myron, this is not the time…



UNCLE MYRON: A minute. A minute of your life…



FRAN: Get outta here, Myron? I’m never sending anyone to you…



UNCLE MYRON: (TO HYMIE) Hit it –



HYMIE: (SINGS FROM “PIPPIN”) “Everything has it’s sea-son, everything has it’s
time. – Show me a rea-son, and I’ll soon, show you a rhyme…!”



UNCLE MYRON: (TO HYMIE) Dance –



(HYMIE STARTS TAP DANCING)



C.C.: I think he shows talent…



MAXWELL: C.C.?!



UNCLE MYRON: (TO C.C.) We’ll talk later. (TO MAXWELL) He’s the next Ben Vereen!



(AND UNCLE MYRON & SON ARE GONE)



FRAN: It’s in the genes. His brother’s a cantor. (TO GRACIE) Come here, honey…



MAXWELL: I’ll handle this, Miss Fine. (FORTHRIGHTLY) Gracie, it’s true. Miss
Fine does earn a salary for taking care of you. She’s a nanny. That’s her job
definition. I’m sure she enjoys the work or she wouldn’t be very good at it, and
mind you, then I’d fire her on the spot…



(GRACIE’S MOUTH CURLS INTO A POUT, HER EYES WELL WITH TEARS)



MAXWELL: (CONT’D) (TO FRAN) Why is she crying?



FRAN: Because that was so moving. Gracie…



(GRACIE COMES OVER)



FRAN: (CONT’D) (HOLDS HER) Your father’s right. It’s all true. But that
shouldn’t affect us. I have to make a living somehow. Now I could make a living
devoting myself to you, which is my pleasure, or, I could find some other way.
What, I’m gonna work in a bank? When I get to spend time with you, and pay my
bills, I mean, it’s ridiculous how privileged I am.



GRACIE: (SMILES) We’ve had some good times, haven’t we.



FRAN: This is not the place to discuss it. Does everyone need to know?



(THEY HUG EACH OTHER. MAXWELL SMILES. C.C. LOOKS ON “HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?”)



MUSIC CUE: “SUNRISE, SUNSET” (OR THE EQUIVALENT)



FRAN: (CONT’D) (TO MAXWELL) Why don’t you ask your daughter to dance?



(MAXWELL HOLDS HIS HAND OUT TO GRACIE AND TAKES HER ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR)



C.C.: (SNARLS) Oh, you’re good… (THEN; SELF-RECRIMINATING) And I’m terrible…
just terrible…



FRAN: C.C., you shouldn’t put this kind of pressure on yourself. Have some wine…




(FRAN SLIDES OVER A GLASS OF WINE. C.C. TAKES A SIP, REACTS LIKE SHE SUCKED ON A
LEMON)



FRAN: (CONT’D) Manechievitz. An acquired taste, it takes centuries. C.C., you’re
a beautiful woman, you’re good at so many things, you…? You…? What do you do?
(GOES PAST IT) This is just my area. It’s no reflection on you.



(C.C. SMILES, WEAKLY. SYLVIA RETURNS TO THE TABLE)



SYLVIA: C.C., someone wants to talk to you.



C.C.: Who?



SYLVIA: (GESTURES) Over there.



(C.C. WANDERS AWAY LOOKING)



SYLVIA: (CONT’D) Where’s Sheffield?



(FRAN INDICATES TO MAXWELL AND GRACIE DANCING. GRACIE’S STANDING ON HER FATHER’S
SHOES)

FRAN: (KVELLS) Isn’t that adorable? Couldn’t you just die?

SYLVIA: Go cut in.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

FADE IN:

INT. WEDDING RECEPTION – LATER

(AT THE TABLE, SYLVIA, HORDING FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS, DISPATCHES GRACIE)

SYLVIA: (POINTS) They’re leaving! Go! Grab that centerpiece!

(C.C. DANCES WITH UNCLE MYRON)


UNCLE MYRON: We knew Hymie had it when he was a baby. He held his bottle like a
hand mike.

(C.C. SMILES, WEARILY)

UNCLE MYRON: (CONT’D) You got a beautiful smile. Who did it?

(FRAN AND MAXWELL ARE ALSO DANCING)

MAXWELL: That was a lovely sentiment, Miss Fine.

FRAN: Oh? Which one, I can’t keep track.

MAXWELL: What you said to Gracie.

FRAN: I meant every word. I love every second of this job. Even when I’m not
getting time and a half, like I am in this case.

(MAXWELL REACTS)

FRAN: (CONT’D) I worked on my day off. That’s how dedicated I am!

THE END

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