Original Airdate (NBC): 26/APR/2005
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TRANSCRIPT:
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Guest star: Paul Lieberstein (Toby), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Melora Hardin (Jan Levinson-Gould), Kate Flannery (Meredith), Leslie David Baker (Stanley), Mindy Kaling (Kelly), David Denman (Roy), Oscar Nunez (Oscar), Brian Baumgartner (Kevin) , Amy Adams II (Katy), Phyllis Smith (Phyllis)
OPENING CREDITS (With that awesome Jay Ferguson music)
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Michael is sticking pencils upright in his keyboard)
Jan: (on speaker phone) Are you listening to me Michael?
Michael: Affirmative.
Jan: What did I just say?
Michael: You just said...let me uh...just check my notes. (starts rustling random papers) You just said...
Jan: Alan and I have created an incentive program-
Michael: Hey, hey! How is Alan? Tell Alan that the Mets suck. Okay? From me, big time. Go Pirates!
Jan: I'm not going to do that Michael. We've created an incentive program to increase sales.
Michael: Uh huh.
Jan: At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to one thousand dollars.
Michael: Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow. A thousand big ones. That's cool. Do I uh...get to pick the prize?
Jan: Uh, yes. Yes, you can.
Michael: Um, question. Does top salesman include, uh, people who were at one time, uh, such outstanding salesmen that they've been promoted to...
Jan: No, Michael. No. You can't win this prize.
Michael: I didn't mean me.
CUT TO SHOT OF OFFICE
(Jim is yawning on the phone and Oscar is doing some highlighting)
CUT BACK TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else.
Dwight: (OS) Sex.
(Camera zooms out to reveal Dwight standing behind Michael)
Michael: It's illegal, can't do that. Next best thing.
Dwight: Torture.
Michael: Come on, Dwight. Just, help me out here. This is stupid.
Pam: (OS) Um, Michael...
Michael: Pam!
Pam: Hey, there's-
Michael: Burger with cheese.
Pam: There's a person here-
Michael: And fries.
Pam: There's a-
Michael: And shake. What? Go ahead.
Pam: There's a person here who wants to sell handbags.
Michael: No no no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction.
Pam: Okay, I told her you'd talk to her at least.
Michael: Pam, come on, I'm busy. So just tell her to go away.
Pam: Okay.
(Pam leaves, Michael looks out to reception to see the hand bag lady and sees that she's pretty hot)
Michael: (changing mind) Alright, I'll talk to her.
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Katy, the purse girl, is showing Pam some hand bags)
Katy: This one is hand-embroidered.
(Michael enters with Dwight in tow)
Michael: Alright girls, break it up, you're being infiltrated. Cock in the hen house.
Dwight: Cocks in the hen house.
Michael: Don't say cocks. No. (offers hand to Katy) Uh, what is your name, my fair lass?
Katy: (shaking Michael's hand) Katy.
Michael: Ah, Katy. Wow, look at you. You are, uh, you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0.
(Quick shot of Pam reacting to that statement)
Michael: Oh, look! Oh hey, no cat fights, you two. I'm against violence in the workplace.
Dwight: So am I.
Michael: Nobody cares what you think.
Dwight: Doesn't matter.
Michael: So, uh, I usually don't allow solicitors in the office, but, uh, today...
(Dwight starts staring at Katy)
Michael: I am going to break some rules. And you can have the conference room. It's yours all day.
Katy: Wow, thanks.
Pam: There's an HR meeting in there at 11:30.
Michael: Well, let's put 'em in the hallway, give them some chairs. Right? Decisiveness. One of the keys to success, according to Small Businessman. (VO) I do.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: I read small businessman. I also, uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way, um, magazine, that's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts. And where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating.
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Michael: This is my conference room, so please, uh, make yourself at home. Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wall. (knocks on wall) There used to be a window here. There's not anymore. So that's where I will be.
(Katy starts setting up, ignoring Michael)
Michael: So...(clears throat). If you need anything else, something to make you more comfortable, just don't hesitate to ask, I'm right, uh, here.
Katy: I guess a cup of coffee would be great.
Michael: Waaaait a second! Oh, i should have spotted another addict. Oh, gotta love the 'bucks.
Katy: What?
Michael: It's like a slang for Starbucks. They're all over the place. Oh, man. That place is like the promised land to me.
(Katy looks uncomfortably at the camera)
Michael: What a business model, too. Ooooh, too bad we don't have the good stuff here.
Katy: A regular coffee is fine.
Michael: No, it's not, it's...
Katy: No, really it is.
Michael: No, here's the thing. You know...I do my best to...to be my own man and...(Katy looks at the camera unsure of how to react to Michael)...go by the beat of a different drummer. And nobody gets me. And they're always putting up walls and I'm always tearing 'em down. Just breaking down barriers, that's what I do all day. So, a coffee. Regular coffee. For you. High test or unleaded?
Katy: Um, bring it on. Yeah.
Michael: Oh! Woo! I will. I'll bring it on. Aright.
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Pam is working and Kevin comes up behind her)
Kevin: So, are you jealous because there's another girl around?
Pam: No.
Kevin: She's prettier than you, though.
Pam: (pauses) That's a very, rude thing to say, Kevin.
(Kevin nods and leaves)
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Dwight and Kevin can be seen in the background drinking water and staring at Katy)
Katy: (talking to someone)...suit you. I can see you pairing it with gloves.
Dwight: (VO) The purse girl hits everything on my check list.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Michael: There you go, nice, steaming hot cup of joe.
Katy: Thank you.
Michael: I have an idea. Why don't I introduce you around? You know, you can kind of get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele. Right?
(They start heading out into the office area)
Katy: Gosh, I would love to, but my purses. I should um...
Michael: Oh, uh, well, um, we can have Ryan take a...Ryan would you look after the purses, please?
Ryan: Uh, I'm installing file share on all the computers.
Michael: Oh, well blah dee bloo dee blah blah. (to Katy) Techno babble. (to Ryan) Just do it. Okay? We have company. Right?
CUT TO KITCHEN AREA
Michael: You should sell a lot here because this branch made over $1 million last year. Not that we're all millionaires. I'm probably closest. (laughs) So...here's Oscar. Oscar...(pushes Oscar who hits his head on the wall)...this is Katy.
Oscar: (annoyed) I'm on the phone.
Michael: Ooh ooh ooh, Oscar the grouch. Right? Yeah, I thought of that. Yeah.
Katy: That was on Sesame Street.
Michael: I know. I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe he'd never heard that before he worked here?
Katy: No, I don't believe that.
(They pass Pam as she comes out of the bathroom)
Michael: It's unbelievable.
(Pam watches them pass before walking back to reception)
Pam: (VO) It's nice having Katy around.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: It's another person for Michael to um...(smiles) interact with.
CUT TO BACK OFFICE AREA
Michael: Here is Toby from Human Resources.
Toby: Hi.
Katy: Hi. (shakes Toby's hand)
Michael: Katy, Toby. Toby, Katy.
Toby: Hey, (points to Katy's ring) did you go to, uh, Bishop O'Hara?
Katy: (looks at ring) Yeah.
Toby: Yeah, me too. What class...
Katy: Cool, what year were you there?
Toby: '89...
Michael: (interjecting) Toby's divorced. He uh, God. Recently, right? You and your wife. And you have kids?
Katy: Oh.
Toby: I have a girl.
Michael: That's so, it was really messy. You slept one night in your car, too.
(Toby just sits there and bravely takes it)
Katy: I should probably get back to my table.
Michael: Okay, all right. Cool. See you in a bit.
(Katy leaves, Michael turns to Toby's bulletin board)
Michael: Oh, she's cute. Cutie pie. (quick shot of a picture of Toby's daughter on his desk) Back to work. (VO) I live by one rule.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: (With both his arms behind his head) No office romances. No way. Very messy, inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule. Just do it. Nike.
CUT TO KITCHEN AREA
(Pam, Roy, and Jim are eating their lunches, Kevin is getting something out of the fridge)
Roy: Hey, Jimmy, what do you think about that, uh, little purse girl, huh?
Jim: Cute, sure, yeah.
Roy: Why don't you get on that?
Jim: She's not really my type.
Roy: What are you, gay?
Jim: Umm, (pretends to think about it) I don't think so, nope.
(Pam smiles at that comment)
Roy: Well, what is your type?
(Jim looks at Pam, Pam looks up from her salad at the same time to hear his answer)
(Jim looks at Roy, then at Pam one more time)
Jim: Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms, single moms, NASCAR moms, any type of mom, really.
(Pam gets an amused smile before continuing her salad)
Roy: That's disgusting.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
Jim: Too late, Kev.
(Katy enters the kitchen and goes to the ladies room)
(Jim watches her briefly, then looks back at Roy)
Roy: Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam.
Pam: We're not dating, we're engaged.
Roy: Engaged, yeah.
(Pam waits for an apology, then puts down her fork and walks out of the kitchen)
(Jim continues eating, Roy says nothing and continues eating as well)
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Pam walks to her desk, grabs a file off the counter and throws it on a table)
Jim: (VO) Pam and I are good buddies. I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: You know, with stuff like work or, ah, her fiancé, Roy. Or um...nope, those are pretty much her only two problems.
CUT TO JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA
(The camera is zoomed in on Katy arranging purses)
Jim: (OS) She'd be perfect for you.
Dwight: (OS) Mmmm...She's been talking to Michael a lot.
Jim: So what? You're assistant regional manager.
Dwight: Assistant TO the regional manager.
Jim: Well, you know what, he's your work boss. Okay? He is not your relationship boss.
Dwight: That's true.
Jim: Plus, you have so much more to talk to this girl about. You're both um...salesmen. I mean that's something right there.
Dwight: True. Plus I could talk to her about the origins of my last name.
Jim: It's all gold. (gets scheming smile)
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Katy: (to camera) Guys are usually my best customers. They buy the high-end stuff, the beads and the sequins and stuff. For gifts, you know. They don't know what they're looking at, so, I make suggestions.
CUT BACK TO JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA
Jim: Alright, here's the thing. Just keep talking to her. If you hit a stall, you have a perfect fall-back.
Dwight: What's that?
Jim: You buy a purse.
Dwight: I don't want a purse. Purses are for girls.
Jim: Dwight, that's not necessarily true. Do you read GQ?
Dwight: No.
Jim: Well, I do. They're like mini briefcases. Alright, lots of guys have them.
Dwight: Like those?
Jim: Yes. Listen, you are spending way too much time talking to me, when you could be talking to her.
Dwight: (standing up) Okay, I'm just gonna use the bathroom and then I'm gonna...
Jim: (standing up as well) You don't need the bathroom. You've got it. Go. (pushes Dwight towards the conference room, then takes off to reception)
CUT TO RECEPTION
Pam: (on phone) ...put me down on Friday...
(Jim comes around the corner and hangs her phone up)
Jim: Okay, shh. Stop, (puts her receiver in the holder) whatever you're doing. 'Cause this is going to be good.
(The camera stays at reception, but swings over to show Dwight in the conference room)
Jim: (VO) (in a falsetto voice, narrating for Dwight) Hi, my name's Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good Lord! Look at these purses.
(The camera swings back to Jim and Pam)
(Pam is laughing)
Jim: (still in falsetto) This is something special.
(Swing back to Dwight picking up a big orange purse)
Jim: (in voice) Oh, my God. In this Salvatore de Chini...asta?
(Swing back to Jim)
Pam: (narrating for Katy) Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that.
(Swing back to Dwight who is stepping around the purse strap)
Jim: (in voice) Yes.
Pam: (in voice) You put it on...
Jim: (in voice) Well, I want to stress test it, you know, in case anything happens.
(Dwight is now banging another purse against the table)
Jim: (in voice) Oh!
Pam: (in voice) Oh!
Jim: (in voice) That was really...this is necessary to do to really give it a good workout. This is the...this is the prettiest one of all. I'm going to be the prettiest girl in the ball. Oh, how much?
Pam: (in normal voice) Oh, God. It's sad. It's so sad.
Jim: Here he comes, shh.
(Dwight comes out of the conference room holding a black purse, he looks over at Jim for approval)
Jim: (silently mouths) Good. (gives Dwight a thumbs up)
(Dwight walks back to his desk wearing the purse)
(Jim and Pam silently laugh)
Jim: He did pick a good one.
Pam: You're horrible.
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Katy is showing Pam some purses)
Katy: This one's really a good one for a hot date.
Pam: Yeah? What's that? (they both laugh, holds up her ring) I'm engaged.
Katy: Oh, congratulations. You need a hot date more than anyone.
Pam: I wish, right?
(Michael enters)
Michael: Giggle, giggle, chuchee, chuchee...I get it, I get it. Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood over here. Right? (To Katy) So how was that coffee from earlier?
Katy: I was good.
Michael: I knew it. Guzzled it down, you greedy little thing. So, uh, Pam, is this your lunch break or was that earlier when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys?
(Pam looks at Katy and gives her back her purse)
Pam: Sorry.
Michael: Busted.
Katy: (to Pam) Come back.
Michael: Oh hey, I want to, uh, I want to show you something. Come here. I know you are gonna like this. I picked it up today, a thousand big ones.
(They go into Michael's office where there is a box on his desk)
Katy: Is that from Starbucks?
Michael: Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the Mack Daddy of espresso makers.
Katy: Wow, is that for the office?
Michael: Well, oh, I know what you're thinking. You're not prying this out of my hands. (laughs)
(Katy laughs nervously)
Michael: Don't tempt me because I'll give it to you.
Katy: I wouldn't think of it.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug. It is quite literally a drug, that speeds up people. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the '80s, before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. God...MAN, did they move paper.
CUT BACK TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Michael is trying to impress Katy by reading the features of the machine)
Michael: The rotating...(looks up) steam wand.
(Katy isn't listening, but instead looking at her phone)
(She closes it looking a little upset)
Michael: What? What's the matter?
Katy: Oh, nothing. Ah, my ride just bailed on me.
Michael: Oh. Oh! Well, God, I'm sorry. Where are you going? Nearby? Because I could give you a ride.
Katy: (looks a little scared) No.
Michael: Sure?
Katy: I-I don't want to inconvenience you.
Michael: Oh God. No no no no. No inconvenience. I'm out of here at five sharp.
Katy: No, at five?
Michael: I can go earlier because I'm the boss. You know. Whatever. I'm outta here, slaves.
Katy: Oh, okay.
Michael: (surprised) What?
Katy: Okay.
Michael: Okay.
Katy: Okay, I guess that would be okay.
Michael: Okay, sounds good. Sounds good. Five o'clock sharp, I will give you and your purses a ride home.
Katy: Ok, cool. (leaves back to the conference room)
Michael: Excellent. Great. Great. Cool. Cool. (looks at the camera, smiles) Yeah, okay.
CUT TO MICHAEL AND DWIGHT IN MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Dwight is on Michael's computer)
Michael: I should have never let the temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons and now I have four folders. So...
Dwight: It's actually better this way.
Michael: No it's not. Because I could just click on the icon and then I'm onto something.
Dwight: Michael, could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know it's against the rules and everything.
Michael: No, no, no, it's not against the rules. (clears throat) She is not a-a permanent employee, so it's not.
Dwight: Thank you Michael. I appreciate this so much.
Michael: But I think that you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later.
Dwight: What?
Michael: She asked me for a ride, so I'm going to give her a ride home.
Dwight: Is that all it is? Just a ride home like a taxicab?
Michael: Well, it might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and...dot, dot, dot.
Dwight: Please. Please. I am your inferior and I'm asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home?
Michael: No. I cannot promise you.
Dwight: You cannot promise me, or you won't promise me?
Michael: Listen, Dwight.
Dwight: Do you love her?
Michael: Dwight, no. I don't know. It's too early to tell. I...I don't know how I feel.
(Dwight looks at the camera, then looks down very sadly)
CUT TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM
(Katy is selling a purse to Stanley)
Katy: You've made a good choice. She's really going to like that.
(Michael enters)
Michael: Espresso?
Katy: Oh thank you.
Michael: You're welcome. There you go. Mmm mmm mmm.
Stanley: Is that from the machine that was in your office?
Michael: (making a face from the bitterness) Mm-hm.
Stanley: I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson?
Michael: Very easy to clean. (Stanley walks off) Okay. Like he's gonna win anyway. (starts laughing) Right?
CUT TO DWIGHT'S DESK
(Dwight is working away with the handbag around his shoulder, he glances over at the conference room to see if Katy is looking)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Pam is sitting across from Michael)
Michael: So did we get any mail?
Pam: Yeah, I gave it to you.
Michael: Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Just checking, double-checking. Checking on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office. And...
Pam: So can I...
Michael: Yeah, of course. Um, Pam, one more thing. How do girls your age feel about futons?
(Pam just looks at the camera)
CUT TO JIM'S DESK
(Pam is sitting on Jim's desk)
Jim: A futon? He's a grown man.
Pam: That's what he said.
Jim: That's sad. (Pam starts laughing) Or it's innovative. You know the futon in a bed and couch all rolled into one. (notices Roy and stops talking to Pam)
Roy: What's up?
Pam: (curtly) Hi.
Roy: Are you still mad at me?
Pam: Roy...
Roy: Come on. (tries to tickle Pam)
Pam: Cut it out.
(Meanwhile, Jim is trying his best not to notice what is going on beside him by focusing on the computer)
Roy: Come on, are you mad at me?
Pam: Stop it.
Roy: Are you still mad at me now? (Tickling her now)
Pam: Cut it out. (Laughs) Stop!
Roy: (playfully) Are you mad at me now?
Pam: (laughing) Stop!
(Pam starts squirming and bumps Jim)
Roy: Come on.
(Jim looks at the camera then stands up and leaves)
Roy: Come on Pammy.
Pam: Stop I can't breathe.
Roy: (sing song) I was just kidding. You know I didn't mean it.
(Jim is still walking away and all we hear is Pam's laughter)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: Jim's a great guy. He's like a brother to me. We're like best friends in the office and...I really hope he finds someone.
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Katy is showing Angela some purses)
Katy: You seem to like to touch things. Try the velvet.
(The camera swings around to Dwight's desk, he is nervously playing with a rubber band ball)
Angela: (OS) I don't like to necessarily touch things, I'm just...I'm shopping.
Katy: (OS) Oh, no, it-it's fine that you...here. What about the raspberry one? It's really, um...
(Dwight finally gets up and heads into the conference room)
Katy: (OS) ...kind of festive. It's got a lot of personality.
Dwight: How's it going? Good. Can I talk to you for a second in private?
Katy: I don't think so, I'm busy.
Dwight: It will just take a second.
Katy: I can't.
Dwight: Just for a minute. Please.
Katy: I-I really can't.
Dwight: I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date.
Katy: No.
(Dwight looks down and starts to walk out, but stops)
Dwight: Okay, was that no to talking to me in private or was that no to the date?
Katy: Both.
(Dwight slowly walks out of the room dejected)
Katy: (to Angela) What colors do you like?
Angela: Gray, dark gray, charcoal...
CUT TO RYAN AT PHYLLIS' DESK
(Michael walks up)
Michael: Ryan. Would you like to help me with a special project?
Ryan: I would love to.
Michael: Al-right.
CUT TO PARKING LOT
(Michael and Ryan are in Michael's car)
Michael: Okay, just throw out all the empties.
Ryan: You don't want to recycle them?
Michael: Um...(looks at camera) yes. Throw them away in the recycling bin.
Ryan: (holds up a bottle with water still inside) Do you want this?
Michael: (thinks about it) No.
Ryan: What about this bottle of power drink?
Michael: What flavor?
Ryan: Blue.
Michael: Blue's not a flavor.
Ryan: It says, "Flavor, blue blast."
Michael: Oh, blue blast. Yes, put that in the trunk. And there should be an unopened Arctic Chill back there. I want that in the passenger's cup holder. Thank you.
CUT BACK TO OFFICE, JIM'S DESK
(Jim is sitting at his desk, contemplating, then gets up and heads into the conference room)
Jim: Hi.
Katy: Hi.
Jim: I'm Jim by the way
Katy: I'm Katy.
(They shake hands)
Jim: Hi Katy, nice to meet you.
Katy: You sit out there don't you?
Jim: I do. That's what I'm best known for,
(And for the first time since she got there Katy genuinely laughs)
Jim: ...sitting out there. Alright, let's talk about purses.
Katy: Okay, um...
Jim: Katy, but, you know what? Don't try to sell me one. Okay? Seriously, because I'm just here to learn.
Katy: (laughs) Okay.
Jim: So I know about most of these, but...
Katy: (laughs) Okay.
CUT TO PARKING LOT
(Ryan and Michael are still cleaning this car out, Ryan is throwing a cologne bottle in the trash)
Michael: What's up? Whoa! That's my Drakkar Noir.
Ryan: (looks at bottle) No, this is Rite Aid - Night Sweat.
Michael: No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I'm not paying for the label. Right here, give it.
Ryan: Well it's empty.
Michael: No, it's not. There's some in the straw.
(Michael screws the top off and starts brushing his neck with the straw)
Michael: There, now you may throw it out.
(Ryan surveys his bag of trash)
Ryan: Wow. How many Filet-O-Fishes did you eat?
Michael: That's over several months, Ryan.
Ryan: Still...
CUT TO OFFICE
(Pam is sitting on Jim's desk)
Jim: What's up?
Pam: I'm bored.
Jim: Thank you for choosing me.
(Pam laughs)
Pam: No, I'm kidding. Um, so you got big plans this weekend?
Jim: Uh...well, I think I'm going to see Katy.
Pam: (not the answer she was expecting) Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: What are you guys going to do?
Jim: Oh man, I don't know. Dinner. Drinks, movie, matching tattoos.
Pam: (slight laugh) That's great. That's cool.
Jim: Big stuff. Yeah. What are you doing?
Pam: I-I was going to say that I think, um, we're going to help Roy's cousin move.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: 'Cause Roy's got a truck.
Jim: That's cool
Pam: Uh huh.
Jim: Yes.
Pam: That is cool.
Jim: I'll see you Monday, though, right?
Pam: Great.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Okay, I'm going to head back.
Jim: Alright.
(Pam sits back down at her desk)
Michael: (VO) I think in order to be a ladies' man...
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: It's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies' man. So I kinda play that close to the chest.
CUT TO MICHAEL UNFOLDING A MAP OF SCRANTON
Michael: (VO) I don't know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think...
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: Other people have told me I have a very symmetrical face. (Michael shows the camera both sides of his face) (laughs) So I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're right. I don't know.
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Pam is looking in a mirror and putting lip gloss on her lips)
(She looks up and notices the camera on her)
(She puts the lip gloss and mirror away and tries to casually cover her mouth)
CUT TO PARKING LOT
Michael: Sure you don't want me to help you with that? Cause I can grab that no problem.
Katy: Goodnight. It was nice to meet some of you.
Michael: See you later! Goodnight.
(Michael, Katy, and Jim are walking together)
Michael: Goodnight Jim.
Jim: Goodnight Michael.
Michael: Where are you going?
Jim: I don't know (points his thumb to Katy) To grab a drink, I think.
Michael: With us?
Katy: I um, I probably should have told you. I don't need a ride now 'cause Jim can take me home after. So, you're off the hook.
Michael: Okay great. Off the hook, excellent. Okay cool.
Jim: I got this.
Michael: Alright, have fun.
Katy: Thank you.
Michael: Don't drink and drive. Take it easy.
(Jim picks up Katy's suitcase)
Jim: Have a good night.
Michael: You too. Have a good night.
Katy: You got that?
Jim: Oh, yeah.
(The camera follows Michael to his car, he tries to wave them off)
Jim: You sold a lot, so it's lighter.
Katy: Yeah.
(Michael starts his car, Jim is in the background putting the luggage in his trunk, Michael leaves)
Katy: Here. Squeeze it inside.
Jim: Now, I'm gonna warn you, don't freak out. Okay?
(In the background, Roy backs out of his spot with Pam in the passenger's seat)
Katy: Why?
Jim: This is a really nice car. In case you haven't noticed, this is a Corolla. Okay?
(Roy drives off, Pam watches Jim as they leave)
Katy: It's a- It's a very nice car.
Jim: So you're not going to freak out.
(Jim holds the door open for Katy)
Michael: (VO) Do I have a special someone?
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: Uh, well, yeah. Of course. A bunch of them. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night stand with some stupid cow I'd pick up at a bar, and these people, I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an every-day stand. And I still know their names in the morning.
THE END
THE OFFICE: AN AMERICAN WORKPLACE S1EP05 - BASKETBALL
Original Airdate (NBC): 19/APR/2005
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
==========================
Guest star: Craig Robinson (Darryl), Kate Flannery (Meredith), Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), David Denman (Roy), Oscar Nunez (Oscar), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Brian Baumgartner (Kevin), Leslie David Baker (Stanley) , Patrice O'Neal (Lonny), Matt DeCaro (Jerry), Karly Rothenberg (Madge)
OPENING CREDITS (With that awesome Jay Ferguson music)
INT. THE OFFICE
(Michael enters and slaps Pam's desk with a newspaper)
Michael: (giggles) (to Jim): Hey, you ready?
(Jim pulls out a red duffle bag from beneath his desk, Michael shows his own bag)
Michael: Alright, alright, secret sign. Hey, Ryan.
(Camera pans to Ryan who holds up a plastic bag)
Michael: Very good. Excellent, excellent. (gives the camera a big smile as he heads to his office)
Dwight: Michael! (happily holds up his own duffle bag)
(Michael looks at the camera, without smile, sighs and goes into his office)
Michael: (VO) Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff...
(Dwight sadly looks at his duffle bag)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: ...at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea.
CUT TO MICHAEL STANDING OUT SIDE THE WAREHOUSE BAY
Michael: (VO) Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, "This might be kinda fun."
CUT BACK TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: And so I started messing around and...I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So...you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together.
CUT TO RECEPTION
Michael: (slaps the counter) Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please.
(Pam hands him some papers)
Dwight: Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office?
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Michael is resting his forehead in his hand on his desk)
Dwight: I think I should be on the team.
Michael: (without looking up) No. (clears throat and looks up) And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior.
Dwight: Oh, please.
Michael: (to camera) When I let him come to my pick-up game-
Dwight: I apologized for that.
Michael: (to Dwight) I vouched for you.
Dwight: Michael, I-
Michael: I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight.
(Dwight concedes and picks up a spinning toy from Michael desk that starts playing some irritating music)
(Michael takes it away and puts it on another place on his desk, away from Dwight)
Michael: Alright, here's what I'm going to do. The had strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.
Dwight: I can handle that.
Michael: Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't wanna have to deal with that.
Dwight: And that's why you have an assistant regional manager.
Michael: Yes it is. Assistant TO the regional manager.
Dwight: (to camera) Same thing.
Michael: No, it's not. It's lower, so...
Dwight: It's close.
(Dwight looks at camera, motions to Michael who is at a stale mate in the conversation)
CUT TO DWIGHT AND JIM'S DESK AREA
(Dwight has a huge dry erase board on his desk with a grid on it)
Dwight: So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that, that should be...(flips tie over shoulder)...Jim.
Jim: God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this?
Phyllis: Keep me out of it.
Pam: (VO) My fiancé has plans for us this Saturday.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: So I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? (laughs) I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding. (looks a little scared at the thought)
CUT TO MICHAEL AND RYAN HEADING DOWN TO THE WAREHOUSE AREA
Michael: Alright, managing by walking around. (they head down the stairs) This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.
Ryan: (looks at camera) Fine, don't worry about that.
Michael: And here we have "Mister Roger's Neighborhood." Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs.
Lonny: What's up?
Michael: And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs.
Darryl: It's not my real name.
Michael: No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs.
Ryan: Darryl Rogers?
Darryl: Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers.
Michael: (laughs) And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs.
Ryan: Yeah yeah.
Michael: You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job.
(Roy laughs, a little embarrassed)
Michael: Rapport.
CUT TO JIM'S DESK
(The camera is at Jim's desk, but zoomed in on Pam)
Pam: (talking low on the phone) No, n-no, I know that the warranty's expired, but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? (Jim hears and looks toward Pam) Okay, fine, three years.
Jim: (VO) Pam gets a little down.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set...and that was three years ago.
CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE
Michael: So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on.
Darryl: We're loading at one.
Michael: Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me.
Darryl: No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time.
Michael: Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. (laughs at his own "insult")
(Everybody just stands there and looks at him)
Michael: Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. Okay, fine, have it your way. (starts clucking like a chicken)
(Starts dancing around like a chicken)
Darryl: Alright, fine, you know what? One o'clock.
Michael: Alright, see you at one. (heads back upstairs)
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
Michael: Are we ready for the game?
Everybody: (Half-heartedly) Yeah.
Michael: I- yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight: Just trying to be helpful.
Michael: Uh, (in a nerdy voice) "I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword." (makes light saber sounds)
Jim: (starts laughing) That's him.
Michael: Okay, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course.
Stanley: I'm sorry?
Michael: Um, what do you play? Center?
Stanley: Why "of course"?
Michael: Uh...
Stanley: What's that supposed to mean?
Michael: Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that.
Jim: Uh, I heard it.
Michael: Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um...other starters...Me, of course. I heard it that time.
Phyllis: I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school.
Michael: (choosing to ignore Phyllis) Um...Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart.
Ryan: But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch?
Michael: Yes.
Ryan: Okay.
Michael: Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else?
Oscar: I can help out, if you need me.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Kevin: I have a hoop in my driveway.
Michael: No.
Phyllis: I have a sports bra.
Michael: No, NO, ridiculous.
Dwight: Michael, look.
(Empties out his pencil cup, does a quick fake, then throws the cup at the trash can. Air ball, off by a mile.)
Dwight: Missed it...(Dwight looks at Michael, puts his index fingers close together as if to say "this much")
Michael: Close. Alright, uh...Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight.
Dwight: (throws both fists in the air) Yesssss!
Michael: Sorry Phyllis.
Dwight: Can I be team captain?
Michael: No, I'm team captain.
Dwight: Can I be team manager?
Michael: No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager.
Dwight: Assistant team manager?
Michael: No.
Dwight: (threateningly) Okay, we'll see who's working this weekend then.
Michael: Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.
Jim: (unhappy) Oh my God. (glances at the camera)
Michael: Threat neutralized.
CUT TO ACCOUNTING
(Oscar just finishes an apple, turns around quickly and tosses it perfectly into Meredith's trashcan)
(Meredith just looks at trash can)
CUT TO LATER TO ACCOUNTING
(Kevin pulls the last tissue out of the kleenex box, takes the empty box and tosses it perfectly into a trashcan behind Angela, nothing but net)
CUT TO STANLEY'S AREA
(Stanley crumples up a piece of paper, tosses it blindly at the trash can and doesn't even come close, he doesn't care)
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Pam is working, but then a piece of paper hits her in the head)
Michael: (OS) Off the backboard!
Pam: (irritated) Please don't throw garbage at me.
Michael: Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?
Pam: I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiancé.
Jim: (OS) I'll do it. Wear a little flouncy skirt if you want, and...
Michael: Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too GAY on the court.
(Jim give Michael a "wow, you just said that?" look, gives the camera the same look)
Michael: (covering) And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.
Pam: Maybe Angela would cheerlead.
Michael: Ooh, yeah right.
Phyllis: I'll do it.
Michael: Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing.
(Phyllis looks hurt, now it's Pam's turn to give Michael the "wow, you just said that?" look)
Michael: (covering again) 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait.
(Pam gets a confused look on her face, Phyllis is still standing there looking hurt)
Michael: You made it, suit up, you're on the team! (silence) Alright, cool! Very good. (starts walking to kitchen area)
CUT TO KITCHEN AREA
(Darryl is coming out)
Michael: Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man?
Darryl: Just getting a tea bag. (starts walking away)
Michael: (following) Oh ho, ooh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face!
Darryl: Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's.
Michael: Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday.
(Stanley shakes his head in disbelief at Phyllis)
Darryl: No, that's not as much fun.
(Michael starts clucking like a chicken, Darryl just stares)
Darryl: (taking a step towards Michael) You know what?
Michael: (steps back) What?
Darryl: You're on.
Michael: Okay. Cool, you're on.
(Dwight walks up and starts doing a weak chicken impersonation, holds up hand to high five Michael)
Michael: (to Dwight) Don't screw this up. (goes into office)
(Dwight puts his hand down, glances at camera)
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
(Michael comes down the stairs dressed in his sports clothes and a knee brace, notices Darryl in having lunch in the back of a delivery truck)
Michael: (to camera) Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game.
(Camera zooms in on Darryl, he could care less)
(Back to Michael, he starts doing his warm up exercises)
(Starts jumping with knees high, slapping them alternately)
(Lonny stares from the warehouse office)
(Michael continues his stretches, which now includes flailing his arms around oddly)
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
(Angela is searching a shelf for something)
Angela: Has anyone seen the first-aid kit?
(Without looking back, Dwight holds the kit up)
Angela: How many times have I told you? I'M the safety officer, not you.
(Without looking at Angela, Dwight puts the kit down)
CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE
(The camera is zoomed in on the rim as Michael is attempting to make a slam dunk)
(He misses again)
(Finally, he succeeds)
(Camera pulls back as Lonny raises the rim higher)
(Michael shoots the ball, it misses the goal completely, walks away)
Jim: (VO) Basketball?
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: It was kind of my thing in high school. And I'm, yeah, I'm looking forward to playing. You know, I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here.
CUT TO RECEPTION
Jim: (tying his shoelaces) You coming down?
Pam: Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones.
Jim: You gonna wish me luck?
Pam: Yeah, you're gonna need it.
Jim: Whoa.
(Pam makes a shocked face)
Jim: Is that trash talk from Pam?
Pam: (laughing) I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive.
Jim: Oh.
Pam: And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so...
Jim: Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names...
(Pam chuckles)
Jim: ...and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.
Pam: Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.
Jim: I think I'll see you at the mall. (pretends to think about it) Yeah.
(Pam starts laughing again)
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
(Michael is still stretching, Stanley is coming down the stairs)
Michael: Hey, there he is. Secret weapon!
(Jim is stretching while Pam is talking to him, Roy comes up to Pam)
(Roy and Pam say something to each other that I can't quite make out)
(Pam puts a hand on Roy's chest, Roy starts kissing her, Pam wraps her arms around Roy)
(Jim, still stretching and not looking to pleased, tries to avert his eyes)
Michael: (clapping) Alright, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go!
(Everybody gathers, Dwight is standing behind Michael with a clear face guard on)
Michael: Okay, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke (starts laughing).
(Nobody else laughs)
Michael: Okay, let's do it.
Jim: (offers his had to Roy) Have a good game man.
Roy: (shakes it) Yeah, you too. Should be fun.
Michael: Alright, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch?
Ryan: I stretched before I came.
Michael: Okay.
CUT TO TEAM HUDDLE
Michael: Okay, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy.
Jim: Really? I thought I'd take Roy.
Michael: Actually, I think Roy is their best player (Jim looks at the camera and shakes his head in disbelief) not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal.
(Dwight scoffs at his luck)
Michael: Uh, who else we got...(gets distracted by Darryl and Lonny's complicated handshake) Um..okay, alright, you guys.
Dwight: (taking off his shirt) Okay, we'll be skins...
(Everybody groans, a little disgusted)
Michael: Aw, come on Dwight.
Dwight: What? Shirts on or off?
Michael: ON. Just put it on.
Dwight: You sure?
Michael: Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball okay?
Roy: Don't listen to him Pam. Trust me, tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car.
(Roy laughs with his fellow warehouse workers, Pam doesn't look to pleased)
(Michael gets the advantage and tips it to Stanley)
Michael: Stanley!
(Stanley gets it, starts dribbling awkwardly with one hand while the other hand is far behind him, keeping balance, you can tell he doesn't play basketball)
Michael: WHAT? You gotta be kidding me?!
(Roy runs past, having stolen the ball, and goes for a lay up)
Michael: (putting his hands on his knees and looking down) Oh...
CUT TO LATER IN THE GAME
Michael: Here we go!
(Lonny has the ball, shoots)
Michael: Who's on him? Somebody get him!
(Lonny makes it)
Teammates: Yeah!
Roy: (giving Lonny a low five) That's what I'm talking about.
CUT TO LATER ON IN THE GAME AGAIN
(The ball is loose and heading to the out, Jim hurries and saves it)
Michael: Yeah yeah yeah. Over here, over here.
(Jim saves it and passes it to Michael who is standing almost under the goal)
Michael: Here we go. Three! (Shoots and misses, Roy's team gets it) Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone!
(Michael and Dwight are rushing backwards)
Dwight: De-fense! (clap clap) (Michael joins in) De-fense! (clap clap)
Michael and Dwight: De-fense! De-fense!
(The cheering doesn't help as Darryl passes the ball to Roy who puts it in the basket)
Warehouse worker: Well done team.
Michael: Who's got Roy?
(Jim has the ball now and comes down court, he is being guarded by Roy, and they are conveniently in front of Pam)
(Jim dribbles for a while then does an impressive behind the back move around Roy for the basket)
Pam: Woo!
CUT TO LATER IN THE GAME
(Michael throws from what would be considered half court, of course it misses the goal)
Michael: Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today? (points at basket) Usually hit those.
(Shot of Stanley dribbling again, boy can't play)
(Ryan passes to Dwight who shoots and makes it)
(Claps his hands, looks to Michael for praise)
Michael: Dwight, I was open. Alright, let's go.
CUT TO DWIGHT TAKING A BREAK
(Dwight is trying to drink from a sports bottle, but his face mask prevents him from doing so. The drink ends up going into his mask, Dwight chokes)
CUT BACK TO GAME
(Michael is guarding Roy, Roy tries to go around Michael and bumps him slightly, very slightly)
Michael: Okay, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul.
Roy: (dumbfounded) Okay.
Michael: Okay, I'll take it.
CUT TO MICHAEL AT THE FREE THROW LINE
(Michael slowly bounces the ball, throws it up a couple of times)
(Places the ball on the line and looks at it)
(Finally, picks it up and throws it at the basket. It misses by a mile and a half.)
Michael: Okay (starts clapping hands) (VO) When I am playing hoops..
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: ...all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away.
CUT TO SHOTS OF THE BASKETBALL GAME
Michael: (VO) It's gone, I'm in the zone.
(Shows Michael taking a shot, it bounces off the backboard)
Michael: What is wrong with me today?!
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT
Michael: Who am I? Am I Michael Scott?
CUT BACK TO GAME
(Michael is guarding Roy by waving his hands wildly in front of him)
Michael: (VO) I don't know...
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: I might just be a basketball machine.
CUT BACK TO GAME
(Michael takes a shot that ends up being a pass for the other team)
Michael: (VO) What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it.
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT
Michael: Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um...well, that's probably gonna happen, actually.
CUT BACK TO GAME
(Jim has the ball)
Michael: Jim! Jim! Jim, right here, Jim! Give me the ball! (turns his head) Ryan, cut!
(The ball flies past Michael and hits some boxes)
Michael: Whoa!
Jim: (looks around) My bad.
(Roy now has the ball, he passes to Darryl who makes the shot)
Darryl: (gives Lonny high fives) Here we go. Here we go. (Darryl and Lonny start doing a victory dance) Here we go.
Lonny: Where you at? Where you at? You over there? I'm over there. (still dancing)
(Michael is fascinated, watching the whole thing, he even slowly starts to do the dance himself)
(Lonny and Darryl are done and start walking to the other end of the court)
Michael: (as they pass) That is cool. Is that like the Robot? (They ignore him)
CUT TO ANOTHER POINT IN THE GAME
(Ryan takes a shot and makes it)
Michael: Nice! Come here! (gives Ryan a chest bump and tries to initiate the Lonny/Darryl dance)
Ryan: Can we just do one? That's cool, that's fine.
Darryl: You have one more free throw shoot. Come on.
(Michael is doing the dance all by himself)
Roy: Alright, let's go.
CUT TO LATER IN THE GAME
(Dwight is forcefully taking the ball from Madge)
Warehouse worker: Watch your back Madge.
Madge: Hey! Come on man!
Michael: Come on! Hey, Dwight. Dwight!
(Dwight takes the ball down, unguarded, and makes the lay up)
Dwight: Yeah! (points to Madge) In your face!
Madge: Yeah, like that counts.
Michael: You know what? Dwight, Dwight...
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo...And basketball is like jazz, you know?
CUT BACK TO GAME
(Michael is attempting another shot from half court, it misses and knocks down some boxes on the wall)
Michael: (VO) You're kind of...Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like...
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT
Michael: (singing) Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah...
CUT BACK TO GAME
(Jim just passed it in to Michael)
(Michael starts dribbling and singing the Harlem Globetrotters theme song)
(He goes down on one knee, still dribbling and singing)
Michael: Harlem Globetrotter...(sings some more)
(Roy, impatient, comes up and steals the ball, and makes the lay up)
(Roy runs back down court)
Roy: (mimicking Michael's singing) Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball.
Michael: Alright, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on!
(Everybody huddles up)
Michael: What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls.
Jim: (out of breath) You know what? Let me take Roy.
Michael: Alright, switch. Take it up a notch, come on.
CUT TO GAME
(Jim is passed the ball, he takes it to the hoop, easily beating Roy and makes the lay up)
(Jim runs back down court, giving Pam a nod and smile along the way)
(Pam smiles and I believe, checks Jim out)
CUT TO ANOTHER POINT IN THE GAME
(Jim is trying to guard Roy, they are both pushing each other, Roy's elbow flies out and hits Jim in the face)
(Jim turns around quickly and holds his mouth)
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression!
(Jim finally turns back around and his lip is bleeding)
Michael: Oh, that is...You all right Jim? Suck it up.
(Pam looks concerned)
CUT BACK TO THE GAME
(Jim has the ball, Roy is guarding him, he pushes off against Roy and makes the shot)
Michael: Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt?
(Roy comes down the court with the ball, Jim steals it and makes another basket)
(Roy catches up, gets the ball, and gets a look of realization that he knows what Jim is up to, meanwhile, Pam is smiling at Jim)
CUT TO ANOTHER POINT IN THE GAME
(Jim has the ball, Roy is guarding him)
(Jim turns around forcefully pushing Roy to the ground, and makes a shot)
Michael: Yes!
(Roy gets up)
Roy: What the hell man?
Jim: Take it easy.
Roy: No, you take it easy.
CUT BACK TO THE GAME
(Darryl has the ball and takes a shot)
Michael: Watch the long passes, you guys!
(The shot goes in)
CUT TO ANOTHER POINT IN THE GAME
(Ryan has the ball, Dwight steals it and takes the shot)
Ryan: Same team Dwight.
Michael: Dwight!
(The shot goes in)
Dwight: Yes!
CUT TO YET ANOTHER POINT OF THE GAME
(Phyllis takes the shot and makes it)
Michael: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (starts doing pelvic thrusts) In, your, face!
CUT TO THE BENCH WHERE THE REST OF THE STAFF IS SITTING
Michael: Angela, what's the score?
Angela: You're ahead.
Michael: Yeah, baby, here we go!
(Jim has the ball)
Michael: Jim! Jim! Right here! (runs into the elbow of the guy guarding him) Ow! God! Hold it!
Worker: I'm sorry.
Michael: (holding his nose) Foul! Foul!
Worker: I'm sorry. You all right?
Michael: Oh, that hurts.
Worker: Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
Michael: What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason?
Darryl: Take your shot man!
Michael: No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there.
Worker: No it wasn't.
Michael: (in a mocking voice) Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair.
Worker: Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up-
Michael: Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just...we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly.
Angela: This is a cold pack-
Dwight: Here, gimme that. You have to break the interior bag.
(Dwight gives the bag a squeeze which causes it to explode pellets everywhere)
Michael: Thanks Dwight.
Lonny: Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on?
Michael: Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won.
Darryl: That was you.
Michael: It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face.
Roy: No no no, I'm not coming in on Saturday. (Steps to Michael)
Darryl: (steps up to Michael as well) Yeah, this isn't happening.
Michael: (a little intimidated) Um...well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so...
Lonny: (crowding in on Michael as well) So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right?
Michael: (really intimidated now and avoiding eye contact) Hey, hey...
Lonny: Monday?
Michael: (trying to laugh it off as the workers tower above him) You guys believed me? come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So...nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday.
(Jim gives up and turns around in disbelief)
Michael: Good game. Word.
(Everybody leaves. Kevin starts shooting the ball, Jim and Ryan rebound for him)
(He makes four swishes in a row)
CUT TO MEN'S BATHROOM
(Ryan and Stanley are trying their best to wash themselves off with paper towels and hand soap)
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Jim is slouched in the chair, tired)
Jim: (talking to Pam)...so I talked to the scout, it looks good.
Pam: (amused) Mmm hmm.
(Roy enters)
Jim: I didn't sign anything.
Roy: Hey baby.
Pam: Hey.
Roy: (to Jim) Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend.
Pam: (joining Roy) Yeah, he's, uh, pretty good, huh?
(Roy and Pam start to leave)
(Jim looks at camera and smiles)
Pam: (in the distant to Roy) Let's get you into a tub.
Roy: Yeah? Let's get YOU into a tub.
(Pam giggles, Jim's smile fades)
Michael: (comes out of his office with tissue in his nose) Hey, what a game, huh? What a game.
Oscar: What time do we have to come in?
Michael: Come on. Let's not be gloomy here man. we're all in this together. We're a team.
(Camera pans the office, nobody is smiling)
Michael: You know what? Screw corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off.
(People start smiling)
Michael: Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend.
(Everybody's smiles disappear)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead.
THE END
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
==========================
Guest star: Craig Robinson (Darryl), Kate Flannery (Meredith), Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), David Denman (Roy), Oscar Nunez (Oscar), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Brian Baumgartner (Kevin), Leslie David Baker (Stanley) , Patrice O'Neal (Lonny), Matt DeCaro (Jerry), Karly Rothenberg (Madge)
OPENING CREDITS (With that awesome Jay Ferguson music)
INT. THE OFFICE
(Michael enters and slaps Pam's desk with a newspaper)
Michael: (giggles) (to Jim): Hey, you ready?
(Jim pulls out a red duffle bag from beneath his desk, Michael shows his own bag)
Michael: Alright, alright, secret sign. Hey, Ryan.
(Camera pans to Ryan who holds up a plastic bag)
Michael: Very good. Excellent, excellent. (gives the camera a big smile as he heads to his office)
Dwight: Michael! (happily holds up his own duffle bag)
(Michael looks at the camera, without smile, sighs and goes into his office)
Michael: (VO) Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff...
(Dwight sadly looks at his duffle bag)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: ...at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea.
CUT TO MICHAEL STANDING OUT SIDE THE WAREHOUSE BAY
Michael: (VO) Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, "This might be kinda fun."
CUT BACK TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: And so I started messing around and...I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So...you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together.
CUT TO RECEPTION
Michael: (slaps the counter) Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please.
(Pam hands him some papers)
Dwight: Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office?
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Michael is resting his forehead in his hand on his desk)
Dwight: I think I should be on the team.
Michael: (without looking up) No. (clears throat and looks up) And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior.
Dwight: Oh, please.
Michael: (to camera) When I let him come to my pick-up game-
Dwight: I apologized for that.
Michael: (to Dwight) I vouched for you.
Dwight: Michael, I-
Michael: I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight.
(Dwight concedes and picks up a spinning toy from Michael desk that starts playing some irritating music)
(Michael takes it away and puts it on another place on his desk, away from Dwight)
Michael: Alright, here's what I'm going to do. The had strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.
Dwight: I can handle that.
Michael: Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't wanna have to deal with that.
Dwight: And that's why you have an assistant regional manager.
Michael: Yes it is. Assistant TO the regional manager.
Dwight: (to camera) Same thing.
Michael: No, it's not. It's lower, so...
Dwight: It's close.
(Dwight looks at camera, motions to Michael who is at a stale mate in the conversation)
CUT TO DWIGHT AND JIM'S DESK AREA
(Dwight has a huge dry erase board on his desk with a grid on it)
Dwight: So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that, that should be...(flips tie over shoulder)...Jim.
Jim: God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this?
Phyllis: Keep me out of it.
Pam: (VO) My fiancé has plans for us this Saturday.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: So I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? (laughs) I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding. (looks a little scared at the thought)
CUT TO MICHAEL AND RYAN HEADING DOWN TO THE WAREHOUSE AREA
Michael: Alright, managing by walking around. (they head down the stairs) This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.
Ryan: (looks at camera) Fine, don't worry about that.
Michael: And here we have "Mister Roger's Neighborhood." Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs.
Lonny: What's up?
Michael: And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs.
Darryl: It's not my real name.
Michael: No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs.
Ryan: Darryl Rogers?
Darryl: Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers.
Michael: (laughs) And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs.
Ryan: Yeah yeah.
Michael: You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job.
(Roy laughs, a little embarrassed)
Michael: Rapport.
CUT TO JIM'S DESK
(The camera is at Jim's desk, but zoomed in on Pam)
Pam: (talking low on the phone) No, n-no, I know that the warranty's expired, but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? (Jim hears and looks toward Pam) Okay, fine, three years.
Jim: (VO) Pam gets a little down.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set...and that was three years ago.
CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE
Michael: So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on.
Darryl: We're loading at one.
Michael: Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me.
Darryl: No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time.
Michael: Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. (laughs at his own "insult")
(Everybody just stands there and looks at him)
Michael: Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. Okay, fine, have it your way. (starts clucking like a chicken)
(Starts dancing around like a chicken)
Darryl: Alright, fine, you know what? One o'clock.
Michael: Alright, see you at one. (heads back upstairs)
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
Michael: Are we ready for the game?
Everybody: (Half-heartedly) Yeah.
Michael: I- yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight: Just trying to be helpful.
Michael: Uh, (in a nerdy voice) "I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword." (makes light saber sounds)
Jim: (starts laughing) That's him.
Michael: Okay, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course.
Stanley: I'm sorry?
Michael: Um, what do you play? Center?
Stanley: Why "of course"?
Michael: Uh...
Stanley: What's that supposed to mean?
Michael: Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that.
Jim: Uh, I heard it.
Michael: Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um...other starters...Me, of course. I heard it that time.
Phyllis: I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school.
Michael: (choosing to ignore Phyllis) Um...Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart.
Ryan: But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch?
Michael: Yes.
Ryan: Okay.
Michael: Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else?
Oscar: I can help out, if you need me.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Kevin: I have a hoop in my driveway.
Michael: No.
Phyllis: I have a sports bra.
Michael: No, NO, ridiculous.
Dwight: Michael, look.
(Empties out his pencil cup, does a quick fake, then throws the cup at the trash can. Air ball, off by a mile.)
Dwight: Missed it...(Dwight looks at Michael, puts his index fingers close together as if to say "this much")
Michael: Close. Alright, uh...Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight.
Dwight: (throws both fists in the air) Yesssss!
Michael: Sorry Phyllis.
Dwight: Can I be team captain?
Michael: No, I'm team captain.
Dwight: Can I be team manager?
Michael: No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager.
Dwight: Assistant team manager?
Michael: No.
Dwight: (threateningly) Okay, we'll see who's working this weekend then.
Michael: Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.
Jim: (unhappy) Oh my God. (glances at the camera)
Michael: Threat neutralized.
CUT TO ACCOUNTING
(Oscar just finishes an apple, turns around quickly and tosses it perfectly into Meredith's trashcan)
(Meredith just looks at trash can)
CUT TO LATER TO ACCOUNTING
(Kevin pulls the last tissue out of the kleenex box, takes the empty box and tosses it perfectly into a trashcan behind Angela, nothing but net)
CUT TO STANLEY'S AREA
(Stanley crumples up a piece of paper, tosses it blindly at the trash can and doesn't even come close, he doesn't care)
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Pam is working, but then a piece of paper hits her in the head)
Michael: (OS) Off the backboard!
Pam: (irritated) Please don't throw garbage at me.
Michael: Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?
Pam: I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiancé.
Jim: (OS) I'll do it. Wear a little flouncy skirt if you want, and...
Michael: Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too GAY on the court.
(Jim give Michael a "wow, you just said that?" look, gives the camera the same look)
Michael: (covering) And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.
Pam: Maybe Angela would cheerlead.
Michael: Ooh, yeah right.
Phyllis: I'll do it.
Michael: Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing.
(Phyllis looks hurt, now it's Pam's turn to give Michael the "wow, you just said that?" look)
Michael: (covering again) 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait.
(Pam gets a confused look on her face, Phyllis is still standing there looking hurt)
Michael: You made it, suit up, you're on the team! (silence) Alright, cool! Very good. (starts walking to kitchen area)
CUT TO KITCHEN AREA
(Darryl is coming out)
Michael: Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man?
Darryl: Just getting a tea bag. (starts walking away)
Michael: (following) Oh ho, ooh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face!
Darryl: Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's.
Michael: Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday.
(Stanley shakes his head in disbelief at Phyllis)
Darryl: No, that's not as much fun.
(Michael starts clucking like a chicken, Darryl just stares)
Darryl: (taking a step towards Michael) You know what?
Michael: (steps back) What?
Darryl: You're on.
Michael: Okay. Cool, you're on.
(Dwight walks up and starts doing a weak chicken impersonation, holds up hand to high five Michael)
Michael: (to Dwight) Don't screw this up. (goes into office)
(Dwight puts his hand down, glances at camera)
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
(Michael comes down the stairs dressed in his sports clothes and a knee brace, notices Darryl in having lunch in the back of a delivery truck)
Michael: (to camera) Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game.
(Camera zooms in on Darryl, he could care less)
(Back to Michael, he starts doing his warm up exercises)
(Starts jumping with knees high, slapping them alternately)
(Lonny stares from the warehouse office)
(Michael continues his stretches, which now includes flailing his arms around oddly)
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
(Angela is searching a shelf for something)
Angela: Has anyone seen the first-aid kit?
(Without looking back, Dwight holds the kit up)
Angela: How many times have I told you? I'M the safety officer, not you.
(Without looking at Angela, Dwight puts the kit down)
CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE
(The camera is zoomed in on the rim as Michael is attempting to make a slam dunk)
(He misses again)
(Finally, he succeeds)
(Camera pulls back as Lonny raises the rim higher)
(Michael shoots the ball, it misses the goal completely, walks away)
Jim: (VO) Basketball?
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: It was kind of my thing in high school. And I'm, yeah, I'm looking forward to playing. You know, I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here.
CUT TO RECEPTION
Jim: (tying his shoelaces) You coming down?
Pam: Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones.
Jim: You gonna wish me luck?
Pam: Yeah, you're gonna need it.
Jim: Whoa.
(Pam makes a shocked face)
Jim: Is that trash talk from Pam?
Pam: (laughing) I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive.
Jim: Oh.
Pam: And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so...
Jim: Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names...
(Pam chuckles)
Jim: ...and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.
Pam: Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.
Jim: I think I'll see you at the mall. (pretends to think about it) Yeah.
(Pam starts laughing again)
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
(Michael is still stretching, Stanley is coming down the stairs)
Michael: Hey, there he is. Secret weapon!
(Jim is stretching while Pam is talking to him, Roy comes up to Pam)
(Roy and Pam say something to each other that I can't quite make out)
(Pam puts a hand on Roy's chest, Roy starts kissing her, Pam wraps her arms around Roy)
(Jim, still stretching and not looking to pleased, tries to avert his eyes)
Michael: (clapping) Alright, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go!
(Everybody gathers, Dwight is standing behind Michael with a clear face guard on)
Michael: Okay, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke (starts laughing).
(Nobody else laughs)
Michael: Okay, let's do it.
Jim: (offers his had to Roy) Have a good game man.
Roy: (shakes it) Yeah, you too. Should be fun.
Michael: Alright, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch?
Ryan: I stretched before I came.
Michael: Okay.
CUT TO TEAM HUDDLE
Michael: Okay, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy.
Jim: Really? I thought I'd take Roy.
Michael: Actually, I think Roy is their best player (Jim looks at the camera and shakes his head in disbelief) not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal.
(Dwight scoffs at his luck)
Michael: Uh, who else we got...(gets distracted by Darryl and Lonny's complicated handshake) Um..okay, alright, you guys.
Dwight: (taking off his shirt) Okay, we'll be skins...
(Everybody groans, a little disgusted)
Michael: Aw, come on Dwight.
Dwight: What? Shirts on or off?
Michael: ON. Just put it on.
Dwight: You sure?
Michael: Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball okay?
Roy: Don't listen to him Pam. Trust me, tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car.
(Roy laughs with his fellow warehouse workers, Pam doesn't look to pleased)
(Michael gets the advantage and tips it to Stanley)
Michael: Stanley!
(Stanley gets it, starts dribbling awkwardly with one hand while the other hand is far behind him, keeping balance, you can tell he doesn't play basketball)
Michael: WHAT? You gotta be kidding me?!
(Roy runs past, having stolen the ball, and goes for a lay up)
Michael: (putting his hands on his knees and looking down) Oh...
CUT TO LATER IN THE GAME
Michael: Here we go!
(Lonny has the ball, shoots)
Michael: Who's on him? Somebody get him!
(Lonny makes it)
Teammates: Yeah!
Roy: (giving Lonny a low five) That's what I'm talking about.
CUT TO LATER ON IN THE GAME AGAIN
(The ball is loose and heading to the out, Jim hurries and saves it)
Michael: Yeah yeah yeah. Over here, over here.
(Jim saves it and passes it to Michael who is standing almost under the goal)
Michael: Here we go. Three! (Shoots and misses, Roy's team gets it) Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone!
(Michael and Dwight are rushing backwards)
Dwight: De-fense! (clap clap) (Michael joins in) De-fense! (clap clap)
Michael and Dwight: De-fense! De-fense!
(The cheering doesn't help as Darryl passes the ball to Roy who puts it in the basket)
Warehouse worker: Well done team.
Michael: Who's got Roy?
(Jim has the ball now and comes down court, he is being guarded by Roy, and they are conveniently in front of Pam)
(Jim dribbles for a while then does an impressive behind the back move around Roy for the basket)
Pam: Woo!
CUT TO LATER IN THE GAME
(Michael throws from what would be considered half court, of course it misses the goal)
Michael: Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today? (points at basket) Usually hit those.
(Shot of Stanley dribbling again, boy can't play)
(Ryan passes to Dwight who shoots and makes it)
(Claps his hands, looks to Michael for praise)
Michael: Dwight, I was open. Alright, let's go.
CUT TO DWIGHT TAKING A BREAK
(Dwight is trying to drink from a sports bottle, but his face mask prevents him from doing so. The drink ends up going into his mask, Dwight chokes)
CUT BACK TO GAME
(Michael is guarding Roy, Roy tries to go around Michael and bumps him slightly, very slightly)
Michael: Okay, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul.
Roy: (dumbfounded) Okay.
Michael: Okay, I'll take it.
CUT TO MICHAEL AT THE FREE THROW LINE
(Michael slowly bounces the ball, throws it up a couple of times)
(Places the ball on the line and looks at it)
(Finally, picks it up and throws it at the basket. It misses by a mile and a half.)
Michael: Okay (starts clapping hands) (VO) When I am playing hoops..
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: ...all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away.
CUT TO SHOTS OF THE BASKETBALL GAME
Michael: (VO) It's gone, I'm in the zone.
(Shows Michael taking a shot, it bounces off the backboard)
Michael: What is wrong with me today?!
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT
Michael: Who am I? Am I Michael Scott?
CUT BACK TO GAME
(Michael is guarding Roy by waving his hands wildly in front of him)
Michael: (VO) I don't know...
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: I might just be a basketball machine.
CUT BACK TO GAME
(Michael takes a shot that ends up being a pass for the other team)
Michael: (VO) What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it.
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT
Michael: Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um...well, that's probably gonna happen, actually.
CUT BACK TO GAME
(Jim has the ball)
Michael: Jim! Jim! Jim, right here, Jim! Give me the ball! (turns his head) Ryan, cut!
(The ball flies past Michael and hits some boxes)
Michael: Whoa!
Jim: (looks around) My bad.
(Roy now has the ball, he passes to Darryl who makes the shot)
Darryl: (gives Lonny high fives) Here we go. Here we go. (Darryl and Lonny start doing a victory dance) Here we go.
Lonny: Where you at? Where you at? You over there? I'm over there. (still dancing)
(Michael is fascinated, watching the whole thing, he even slowly starts to do the dance himself)
(Lonny and Darryl are done and start walking to the other end of the court)
Michael: (as they pass) That is cool. Is that like the Robot? (They ignore him)
CUT TO ANOTHER POINT IN THE GAME
(Ryan takes a shot and makes it)
Michael: Nice! Come here! (gives Ryan a chest bump and tries to initiate the Lonny/Darryl dance)
Ryan: Can we just do one? That's cool, that's fine.
Darryl: You have one more free throw shoot. Come on.
(Michael is doing the dance all by himself)
Roy: Alright, let's go.
CUT TO LATER IN THE GAME
(Dwight is forcefully taking the ball from Madge)
Warehouse worker: Watch your back Madge.
Madge: Hey! Come on man!
Michael: Come on! Hey, Dwight. Dwight!
(Dwight takes the ball down, unguarded, and makes the lay up)
Dwight: Yeah! (points to Madge) In your face!
Madge: Yeah, like that counts.
Michael: You know what? Dwight, Dwight...
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo...And basketball is like jazz, you know?
CUT BACK TO GAME
(Michael is attempting another shot from half court, it misses and knocks down some boxes on the wall)
Michael: (VO) You're kind of...Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like...
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT
Michael: (singing) Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah...
CUT BACK TO GAME
(Jim just passed it in to Michael)
(Michael starts dribbling and singing the Harlem Globetrotters theme song)
(He goes down on one knee, still dribbling and singing)
Michael: Harlem Globetrotter...(sings some more)
(Roy, impatient, comes up and steals the ball, and makes the lay up)
(Roy runs back down court)
Roy: (mimicking Michael's singing) Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball.
Michael: Alright, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on!
(Everybody huddles up)
Michael: What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls.
Jim: (out of breath) You know what? Let me take Roy.
Michael: Alright, switch. Take it up a notch, come on.
CUT TO GAME
(Jim is passed the ball, he takes it to the hoop, easily beating Roy and makes the lay up)
(Jim runs back down court, giving Pam a nod and smile along the way)
(Pam smiles and I believe, checks Jim out)
CUT TO ANOTHER POINT IN THE GAME
(Jim is trying to guard Roy, they are both pushing each other, Roy's elbow flies out and hits Jim in the face)
(Jim turns around quickly and holds his mouth)
Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression!
(Jim finally turns back around and his lip is bleeding)
Michael: Oh, that is...You all right Jim? Suck it up.
(Pam looks concerned)
CUT BACK TO THE GAME
(Jim has the ball, Roy is guarding him, he pushes off against Roy and makes the shot)
Michael: Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt?
(Roy comes down the court with the ball, Jim steals it and makes another basket)
(Roy catches up, gets the ball, and gets a look of realization that he knows what Jim is up to, meanwhile, Pam is smiling at Jim)
CUT TO ANOTHER POINT IN THE GAME
(Jim has the ball, Roy is guarding him)
(Jim turns around forcefully pushing Roy to the ground, and makes a shot)
Michael: Yes!
(Roy gets up)
Roy: What the hell man?
Jim: Take it easy.
Roy: No, you take it easy.
CUT BACK TO THE GAME
(Darryl has the ball and takes a shot)
Michael: Watch the long passes, you guys!
(The shot goes in)
CUT TO ANOTHER POINT IN THE GAME
(Ryan has the ball, Dwight steals it and takes the shot)
Ryan: Same team Dwight.
Michael: Dwight!
(The shot goes in)
Dwight: Yes!
CUT TO YET ANOTHER POINT OF THE GAME
(Phyllis takes the shot and makes it)
Michael: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (starts doing pelvic thrusts) In, your, face!
CUT TO THE BENCH WHERE THE REST OF THE STAFF IS SITTING
Michael: Angela, what's the score?
Angela: You're ahead.
Michael: Yeah, baby, here we go!
(Jim has the ball)
Michael: Jim! Jim! Right here! (runs into the elbow of the guy guarding him) Ow! God! Hold it!
Worker: I'm sorry.
Michael: (holding his nose) Foul! Foul!
Worker: I'm sorry. You all right?
Michael: Oh, that hurts.
Worker: Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
Michael: What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason?
Darryl: Take your shot man!
Michael: No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there.
Worker: No it wasn't.
Michael: (in a mocking voice) Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair.
Worker: Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up-
Michael: Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just...we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly.
Angela: This is a cold pack-
Dwight: Here, gimme that. You have to break the interior bag.
(Dwight gives the bag a squeeze which causes it to explode pellets everywhere)
Michael: Thanks Dwight.
Lonny: Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on?
Michael: Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won.
Darryl: That was you.
Michael: It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face.
Roy: No no no, I'm not coming in on Saturday. (Steps to Michael)
Darryl: (steps up to Michael as well) Yeah, this isn't happening.
Michael: (a little intimidated) Um...well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so...
Lonny: (crowding in on Michael as well) So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right?
Michael: (really intimidated now and avoiding eye contact) Hey, hey...
Lonny: Monday?
Michael: (trying to laugh it off as the workers tower above him) You guys believed me? come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So...nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday.
(Jim gives up and turns around in disbelief)
Michael: Good game. Word.
(Everybody leaves. Kevin starts shooting the ball, Jim and Ryan rebound for him)
(He makes four swishes in a row)
CUT TO MEN'S BATHROOM
(Ryan and Stanley are trying their best to wash themselves off with paper towels and hand soap)
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Jim is slouched in the chair, tired)
Jim: (talking to Pam)...so I talked to the scout, it looks good.
Pam: (amused) Mmm hmm.
(Roy enters)
Jim: I didn't sign anything.
Roy: Hey baby.
Pam: Hey.
Roy: (to Jim) Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend.
Pam: (joining Roy) Yeah, he's, uh, pretty good, huh?
(Roy and Pam start to leave)
(Jim looks at camera and smiles)
Pam: (in the distant to Roy) Let's get you into a tub.
Roy: Yeah? Let's get YOU into a tub.
(Pam giggles, Jim's smile fades)
Michael: (comes out of his office with tissue in his nose) Hey, what a game, huh? What a game.
Oscar: What time do we have to come in?
Michael: Come on. Let's not be gloomy here man. we're all in this together. We're a team.
(Camera pans the office, nobody is smiling)
Michael: You know what? Screw corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off.
(People start smiling)
Michael: Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend.
(Everybody's smiles disappear)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead.
THE END
THE OFFICE: AN AMERICAN WORKPLACE S1EP04 - THE ALLIANCE
Original Airdate (NBC): 12/APR/2005
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
==========================
Guest star: Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), Craig Robinson (Darryl), Paul Lieberstein (Toby), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Kate Flannery (Meredith), David Denman (Roy), Leslie David Baker (Stanley)
OPENING CREDITS (With that awesome Jay Ferguson music)
INT. THE BATHROOM AREA OF THE OFFICE
(Dwight is waiting outside the men's room door fidgeting and biting his nail)
(Door opens and Michael comes out)
Dwight: MICHAEL!
Michael: OH! God. Dwight, come on...
Dwight: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?
Michael: There's no downsizing.
Dwight: I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?
Michael: (exasperated) Assistant TO the regional manager Dwight.
Dwight: Yeah, so I don't have to worry?
Michael: Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay?
(Dwight looks up and inhales deeply)
Michael: But there's no downsizing, so just don't...
Dwight: Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Michael: (shakes head) Mmm, mm, mm. (quickly) Maybe.
(Dwight looks scared)
Michael: (VO) It looks like there's gonna be downsizing.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: And it's part of my job, but...blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." (as Donald Trump) "You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed." It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. (as Donald again) "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, "You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so...
CUT TO DWIGHT'S DESK
(All his bobble head baseball players are bobbing due to his nervous leg hitting the desk)
Dwight: (VO) It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos (Dwight, with a concerned look, looks over at the water-cooler to see Jim laughing at something Toby and Oscar are talking about)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: Which puts me at a disadvantage, because, (picks up a water bottle) I bring my own water to work.
CUT TO OFFICE
(Kevin and Stanley are standing by the water-cooler which is now by Dwight's desk)
Stanley: Why'd you do this?
Dwight: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for...maintenance. (changing the subject) So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?
(Kevin and Stanley just look at each other)
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE
Michael: Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam...(camera pans over to Pam) Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is...drum roll please. (starts slapping desk) (singing) Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?
(Pam just looks at him, waiting for him to stop)
Michael: Who is it? Who's the birthday?
Pam: Um...(trying to speak above the drum roll) Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.
Michael: (still drumming) Next person on the...
Pam: Oh. (looks at paper)
Michael: ...calendar.
Pam: Okay, umm...that would be Meredith.
Michael: (stops drumming, claps hands) Yes! Alright, come on down Meredith!
Pam: But it's not until next month.
Michael: Um...uh, okay. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise.
Pam: You still want to have a party?
Michael: Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!
(No response from Pam)
Michael: (grabs cell phone off of desk) Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. (waves phone around Pam, making electronic sounds) Eeee. Eeeeee. Eeee. Eeeeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. (laughs at his own joke) Brr-rrrp. (closes phone) Star Trek.
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Angela, Pam, and Phyllis are sitting at the table)
Phyllis: Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could...it's stupid, forget it.
(Pam just sitting there silent)
Angela: (writing everything down) What?
Phyllis: I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
Angela: No, yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Phyllis: Yeah?
Angela: What color do you guys think?
Phyllis: Well, there's green, um, blue...yellow...red...
Pam: (interjecting) How about green?
Angela: I think green is kind of whoreish.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.
CUT BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Michael walks in)
Michael: These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!
QUICK CUT TO DUNDER MIFFLIN STAFF NEWSLETTER
(Headline: 80's PARTY A SUCCESS!, Dwight is pointing at Michael who is pointing at himself. Michael is dressed in a grey suit with a yellow t-shirt underneath and a Don Johnson style stubble. Dwight is dressed in a bright blue shirt, spaghetti tie, members only jacket and acid wash jeans. Meredith can be seen in the background dressed a little like Madonna)
CUT BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Michael: So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.
Angela: Meredith's allergic to dairy, so...
Michael: She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so...
Pam: It is...her birthday.
Michael: (ignoring the comment) MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip? (walks out)
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
(Jim is making some copies, Dwight walks up)
Dwight: (not making eye contact) Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
(Jim thinks about it)
Dwight: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
(Jim looks around, then at Dwight)
Jim: (serious) Absolutely, I do.
Dwight: Good, good. Excellent, okay. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.
CUT TO A FLASHBACK OF DWIGHT AND JIM AT THEIR DESKS
Dwight: Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight: The gun show. (Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his "bicep", smiles a goofy smile at his "cleverness")
(Jim looks for a while, then goes back to his work unamused)
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. (chuckles) And then here he comes and he says "No, Jim, here's a way."
CUT BACK TO JIM AND DWIGHT AT THE COPIER
Dwight: There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. (deadly serious) Don't tell anyone.
CUT TO RECEPTION
Pam: An alliance?
Jim: Oh yeah.
Pam: (laughs) What does that even mean?
Jim: I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure.
(Pam laughs)
Jim: Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.
Dwight: (from across the room) Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the...paper products?
CUT TO DWIGHT AND JIM IN THE BREAK ROOM
Dwight: Did you tell Pam about the alliance?
Jim: What? No.
Dwight: Just now.
Jim: What? Oh no no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, FOR the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? PAM.
Dwight: Right, that's good, good, pursue this.
Jim: Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing?
Dwight: Mmm hmm.
Jim: But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. Alright? And there my be chatting, and giggling. And you just gotta pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.
Dwight: Done.
Jim: Alright.
(Jim comes out of the room and gives the camera a look of triumph)
(The door closes on Dwight, Dwight peeks out between the blinds)
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE
Michael: (to the camera) Can you get her? She's right there. (camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk) That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this...is Meredith's card. (holds up a card with a cartoon bird with real feathers on the bum, the card reads "HAPPY BIRD-DAY") Happy Bird-Day. (starts laughing and opens the card) Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers." Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, "Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael." (pretends to vomit) (starts laughing)
CUT TO DWIGHT AND JIM SPYING ON TOBY AND KEVIN IN THE KITCHEN EATING LUNCH
Dwight: They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?
Jim: Yeah, what do you think that's about?
Dwight: Only one way to find out.
Jim: I'm on it.
(Jim gives Dwight a nod and goes into room)
CUT TO PARKING LOT
(Camera is kind of far away)
Jim: You are not going to believe this.
Dwight: What? I believe it.
Jim: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Dwight: I could tell, from the body language.
CUT TO KITCHEN
(Jim is just standing there casually)
Jim: Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?
(Camera swings in front of Jim, in the background we can see Dwight watching through the blinds)
Kevin: Italian.
Jim: (turns to Dwight for a second) Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone...
Kevin: Yeah.
Jim: (VO) Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
CUT BACK TO PARKING LOT
Dwight: Good, let 'em. It helps our cause.
Jim: Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...
Dwight: Oh, they're forming an alliance
CUT BACK TO KITCHEN
Toby: I love their sandwiches.
Jim: I love their sandwiches too.
Kevin: Their bread's really good.
Jim: Their bread is VERY good.
CUT BACK TO PARKING LOT
Dwight: (frustrated) Damn it. God! (kicks the tire on a red car)
(Car alarm starts going off, Jim pulls out keys and disarms it, (it was his car))
Jim: Okay, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight: (taking this way too seriously) God Damn it! Why us?
Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: (staring at card) Meredith, Meredith...Meri...Mary had a little lamb. Mary...Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.
(Knock on door)
Michael: (startled) Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up?
Oscar: Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
Michael: Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on?
Oscar: My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to...you know...if...
Michael: What?
Oscar: Donate to the charity?
Michael: Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.
Oscar: Thank you.
Michael: No, I'm always good...for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you...$25.
Oscar: (shocked) That's...that's...that's very generous.
Michael: Oh, my gosh, well...Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into...morale. That's what I say, so...(clicks tongue)
(Oscar gives Michael probably the first and last nod of admiration)
CUT TO JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA
Pam: (in a slight whisper) Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?
(Dwight overhears, tries to listen without being obvious)
Jim: Sure, what's up?
Pam: Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?
Jim: Oh no?
Pam: Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, "These people are my friends." But he's all like, "This is confidential. You can't tell anybody." But I just feel like I want to...aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything.
Jim: No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.
Pam: Okay, yeah.
(Jim takes off with Pam, Dwight sits at his desk and nods)
Dwight: (to himself) Jackpot.
Jim: (VO) That was beautiful.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: All her idea too. Awesome. (thoughtful) She is so great. (realizes he's on camera, looks up and tries to play it off)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Michael is still looking at the card)
Michael: Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath. (looks at camera)
(Dwight comes in quickly and closes the door)
Dwight: Hey, you wanted to see me?
Michael: Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
Dwight: I don't think she'd be missed.
Michael: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, Okay? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Dwight: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundees.
Michael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael: (clueless) Which on is that again?
Dwight: That's where they remove the uterus.
Michael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
Dwight: It could be kind of funny.
Michael: You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just...okay. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight.
(Dwight leaves, with a little bit of a sad look on his face)
Michael: That was a waste of time.
CUT TO DWIGHT AND JIM HAVING ANOTHER ONE OF THEIR MEETINGS IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Jim: Okay, here's the deal. Alright? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday.
Dwight: Oh my God, we have to be there.
Jim: I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there.
Dwight: No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.
Jim: What? What?
Dwight: I know. I know exactly what to do. (holds up hand)
Jim: (gives Dwight a high five) Great.
Dwight: (VO) I'm a deer hunter.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are...at vision.
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
Dwight: This is going to be perfect, okay? Centrally located. (starts climbing into a cardboard box) Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything.
Jim: (helping him) Good.
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Ryan knocks on the door wearing a party hat)
Ryan: Michael? Are you done yet?
Michael: Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. Okay, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on!
(Everybody in the office is wearing a party hat and gather up front)
Michael: Shhh. Be quiet.
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
(Dwight is crouched in the cardboard box)
Jim: Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.
Dwight: So tape it down.
Jim: I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe.
Dwight: Look, I can breathe just fine. Okay, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.
Jim: Thank you, thank you. Okay.
(closes the lid to the cardboard box)
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
(Phyllis is standing with the cake, door opens)
(Angela and Meredith walk in)
Everybody: Surprise!
Meredith: Oh! (turns to Angela) Surprise.
Angela: No, it's ah...
Michael: It's surprise Meredith. One, two...
Everybody: (at different times) Happy birthday to you.
Michael: Find a key.
Everybody: Happy birthday...
CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE
Jim: So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?
(Dwight pops out like a jack-in-the-box)
Dwight: No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone.
Jim: Right...That's good.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: Can I trust Jim? I don't know.
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
(Jim is using an excessive amount of tape to close the box)
Dwight: (VO) Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes.
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: Should I trust Jim? You tell me.
CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE
(Jim finishes taping box)
(In the background, faintly heard, "...birthday, dear Meredith...")
(A warehouse guy passes Jim, Jim stands next to the box nonchalantly)
(Background, "...Happy birthday to you...")
Michael: (OS) And many more!
CUT TO THE OFFICE AND EVERYBODY EATING CAKE AND TALKING
Stanley: Last year, five years ago...
CUT TO MICHAEL TALKING TO MEREDITH, PHYLLIS AND ANGELA
(Everybody but Meredith is eating cake)
Michael: You were surprised, weren't you?
Meredith: Yes.
Michael: You looked freaked, man. We said "Surprise." (puts a mouthful of cake in his mouth) You were, like, "What?" "What the hell's goin' on here?" Good cake. Why don't you have some?
Meredith: Uh, I can't. Um...
Michael: (pushing a forkful of cake toward her) Come on. A little bit.
Meredith: I can't eat dairy.
Michael: Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good.
Meredith: Yeah, it makes me sick.
Michael: You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself.
(Angela gives Michael a disaproving look)
Michael: (oblivious) 'Cause this is way, way too good.
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
(camera zooms in on a taped up box with two little holes on the side)
Pam: (VO) He's in a box?
Jim: (VO) Pam, he's in a box.
CUT TO PARTY
Jim: He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves.
(Pam starts cracking up)
Jim: I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic.
CUT TO PAM COMING DOWN THE STAIRS TO THE WAREHOUSE.
Pam: (VO) Hey where are you?
CUT TO PAM ON STANDING NEAR THE DWIGHT BOX
Pam: (on cell phone) Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? (tries not to laugh) Oh my gosh!
(camera zooms in on box, Dwight is cutting a larger hole in it)
Pam: That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do?
(Box starts falling over)
Pam: (trying really hard not to laugh) It said specifically that...
(Box falls over, Pam can't hold it anymore and runs off still trying not to laugh)
Dwight: (pained) Oh.
CUT BACK TO PARTY
Michael: Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.
Jim: Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks?
Michael: Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.
Jim: Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So...God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.
(camera zooms in on Michaels drained face)
Michael: Is Oscar around?
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know...25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so...
Oscar: Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is.
Michael: I know...
Oscar: It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, "However many dollars per mile."
Michael: Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...
Oscar: I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.
Michael: No, no no no no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't...No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just...it...it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?
Oscar: Yeah.
Michael: How many miles did he do last year?
Oscar: Last year, he walked 18 miles.
Michael: Son. Of. A. Bitch. That is impressive.
CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE
(The box is still on it's side, all of a sudden we see a knife poke out the top, it's sawing all over the place)
(Then it stops, we hear the knife being clicked back into it's holder)
(Suddenly, a hand bursts through the top)
(Struggling a bit, Dwight emerges. Darryl, a warehouse worker is just standing in the back watching the whole thing)
(Was a knife really necessary to break out of a cardboard box?)
CUT BACK TO THE PARTY
Pam: Happy Birthday. (gives Meredith her card)
Michael: Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.
Meredith: "Happy Bird-day" (shows card to everybody) Um..."Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still." (everybody laughs, she smiles at Stanley who cheers her with his paper cup)
Michael: (under his breath) I don't know about that.
Meredith: That was Stanley. "Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam." (everybody awwws)
Michael: (pretends to vomit) Huh! Thanks, downer.
Meredith: This is from Michael. "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
(Everybody is silent)
Michael: Because of the downsizing. (catches himself) Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.
Meredith: No, I...I get it. It's funny.
Michael: (laughs) You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually...I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um...(shifts through sheets of paper) Oh, where's that? Oh, okay, here's a good one. Um..."Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?
(Everybody is shooting Michael a death glare now)
Meredith: You're right. You're right. Yes.
Michael: Divorce. Um...okay, "Meredith is so old..." (looks up expectantly)
Oscar: How old is she?
Michael: Everybody? If...could do it? "Meredith is so old..."
Everybody: (unenthusiastically) How old is she?
Michael: "She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her."
(Nobody laughs or moves)
Michael: That wasn't even mine. I got that off the internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me.
(Pam rubs Meredith's shoulder)
Oscar: Uh, nice party Michael.
Michael: This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. (The camera pans to the party planning beeyotches, they don't look pleased AT ALL.) The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.
Angela: Phyllis wanted red, I didn't.
Phyllis: (looks at Angela) Oh, boy...You...
(Everybody starts to dissipate)
Michael: Okay, we...alright. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. Okay, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are...a group of people...who work together. I was...I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's...walkathon. Twenty-five dollars.
Oscar: (re-emphasizing) Per mile.
Michael: Per mile, yes.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: When I retire, I...don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.
CUT BACK TO THE FAILED PARTY
(Michael is writing a check)
Michael: A check for the kids, and for the team. (VO) I want it to be like...
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: ..."Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what, (whispering) that was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous, how do you know?" "Because I'm him."
CUT BACK TO PARTY
(Michael give Oscar the check)
Oscar: Thank you, Michael.
(Michael starts clapping, hoping others will join in, but no one does)
Michael: Come here. (Grabs Oscar for a hug) (In a low voice) Don't cash that till Friday, okay?
CUT TO TOBY AND RYAN LEANING AGAINST THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Toby: Really? Today?
Ryan: Yeah.
Toby: Oh, Happy Birthday.
Ryan: Thanks.
Toby: Yeah, I could say something.
Ryan: No, don't. Don't do that.
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Jim is jogging towards Pam's desk)
Jim: (excited) Okay, okay. I have something that TOTALLY tops the box.
(Grabs Pam's chair and leans in close so he can talk quietly)
Pam: Oh, tell me, tell me.
Jim: Okay. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and...(Pam covers her face and starts laughing)...spy on our other branch. (Jim grabs her free hand) No no no.
CUT TO EARLIER IN DWIGHT AND JIM'S DESK AREA
Jim: (VO) But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
(Dwight pats his hair with both hands)
CUT BACK TO RECEPTION
(Jim puts a hand on Pam's shoulder and covers his mouth with the other)
Pam: (laughing) That's perfect!
(The sound of a door opening can be heard)
Jim: If we can get him to drive to Connecticut...(Jim's hand moves to Pam's other shoulder and Pam grabs Jim's other hand, trying to steady herself as she laughs, they are really close now)...and put peroxide in his hair...
(Roy enters the scene)
Roy: (loudly) What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?
(Jim let's go of Pam and stands up really quickly)
Jim: No, no, dude, no.
(Roy moves in quick on Jim, Jim back up)
Pam: (quickly standing between Roy and Jim) Hey, HEY!
Jim: No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.
(The whole office is now looking)
Pam: Come on.
Jim: (a little panicky) God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. (points in the vague direction of his desk) Uh, um...
(Quick cut to Pam standing in front of a pissed off looking Roy)
Jim: Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. (nervous laughter) And then um...um...we were...we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um...
Pam: It's just office pranks.
Jim: It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks.
Roy: (looking at Dwight) An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?
(The camera pans over to Dwight who is hiding behind a plant)
Dwight: I have absolutely no idea.
(Jim just stands there speechless and a little betrayed)
Roy: Come on. (guides Pam away while giving Jim a nasty "watch yourself" look, Pam follows without saying a word)
(Jim stands there, dumbfounded, looks at everybody, then finally moves)
Dwight: (VO) Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not. At. All. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: (With blond hair) That's politics baby. Get what you can outta someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.
THE END
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
==========================
Guest star: Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), Craig Robinson (Darryl), Paul Lieberstein (Toby), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Kate Flannery (Meredith), David Denman (Roy), Leslie David Baker (Stanley)
OPENING CREDITS (With that awesome Jay Ferguson music)
INT. THE BATHROOM AREA OF THE OFFICE
(Dwight is waiting outside the men's room door fidgeting and biting his nail)
(Door opens and Michael comes out)
Dwight: MICHAEL!
Michael: OH! God. Dwight, come on...
Dwight: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?
Michael: There's no downsizing.
Dwight: I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?
Michael: (exasperated) Assistant TO the regional manager Dwight.
Dwight: Yeah, so I don't have to worry?
Michael: Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay?
(Dwight looks up and inhales deeply)
Michael: But there's no downsizing, so just don't...
Dwight: Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Michael: (shakes head) Mmm, mm, mm. (quickly) Maybe.
(Dwight looks scared)
Michael: (VO) It looks like there's gonna be downsizing.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: And it's part of my job, but...blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." (as Donald Trump) "You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed." It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. (as Donald again) "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, "You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so...
CUT TO DWIGHT'S DESK
(All his bobble head baseball players are bobbing due to his nervous leg hitting the desk)
Dwight: (VO) It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos (Dwight, with a concerned look, looks over at the water-cooler to see Jim laughing at something Toby and Oscar are talking about)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: Which puts me at a disadvantage, because, (picks up a water bottle) I bring my own water to work.
CUT TO OFFICE
(Kevin and Stanley are standing by the water-cooler which is now by Dwight's desk)
Stanley: Why'd you do this?
Dwight: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for...maintenance. (changing the subject) So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?
(Kevin and Stanley just look at each other)
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE
Michael: Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam...(camera pans over to Pam) Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is...drum roll please. (starts slapping desk) (singing) Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?
(Pam just looks at him, waiting for him to stop)
Michael: Who is it? Who's the birthday?
Pam: Um...(trying to speak above the drum roll) Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.
Michael: (still drumming) Next person on the...
Pam: Oh. (looks at paper)
Michael: ...calendar.
Pam: Okay, umm...that would be Meredith.
Michael: (stops drumming, claps hands) Yes! Alright, come on down Meredith!
Pam: But it's not until next month.
Michael: Um...uh, okay. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise.
Pam: You still want to have a party?
Michael: Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!
(No response from Pam)
Michael: (grabs cell phone off of desk) Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. (waves phone around Pam, making electronic sounds) Eeee. Eeeeee. Eeee. Eeeeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. (laughs at his own joke) Brr-rrrp. (closes phone) Star Trek.
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Angela, Pam, and Phyllis are sitting at the table)
Phyllis: Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could...it's stupid, forget it.
(Pam just sitting there silent)
Angela: (writing everything down) What?
Phyllis: I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
Angela: No, yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Phyllis: Yeah?
Angela: What color do you guys think?
Phyllis: Well, there's green, um, blue...yellow...red...
Pam: (interjecting) How about green?
Angela: I think green is kind of whoreish.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.
CUT BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Michael walks in)
Michael: These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!
QUICK CUT TO DUNDER MIFFLIN STAFF NEWSLETTER
(Headline: 80's PARTY A SUCCESS!, Dwight is pointing at Michael who is pointing at himself. Michael is dressed in a grey suit with a yellow t-shirt underneath and a Don Johnson style stubble. Dwight is dressed in a bright blue shirt, spaghetti tie, members only jacket and acid wash jeans. Meredith can be seen in the background dressed a little like Madonna)
CUT BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Michael: So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.
Angela: Meredith's allergic to dairy, so...
Michael: She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so...
Pam: It is...her birthday.
Michael: (ignoring the comment) MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip? (walks out)
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
(Jim is making some copies, Dwight walks up)
Dwight: (not making eye contact) Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
(Jim thinks about it)
Dwight: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
(Jim looks around, then at Dwight)
Jim: (serious) Absolutely, I do.
Dwight: Good, good. Excellent, okay. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.
CUT TO A FLASHBACK OF DWIGHT AND JIM AT THEIR DESKS
Dwight: Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight: The gun show. (Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his "bicep", smiles a goofy smile at his "cleverness")
(Jim looks for a while, then goes back to his work unamused)
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. (chuckles) And then here he comes and he says "No, Jim, here's a way."
CUT BACK TO JIM AND DWIGHT AT THE COPIER
Dwight: There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. (deadly serious) Don't tell anyone.
CUT TO RECEPTION
Pam: An alliance?
Jim: Oh yeah.
Pam: (laughs) What does that even mean?
Jim: I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure.
(Pam laughs)
Jim: Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.
Dwight: (from across the room) Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the...paper products?
CUT TO DWIGHT AND JIM IN THE BREAK ROOM
Dwight: Did you tell Pam about the alliance?
Jim: What? No.
Dwight: Just now.
Jim: What? Oh no no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, FOR the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? PAM.
Dwight: Right, that's good, good, pursue this.
Jim: Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing?
Dwight: Mmm hmm.
Jim: But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. Alright? And there my be chatting, and giggling. And you just gotta pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.
Dwight: Done.
Jim: Alright.
(Jim comes out of the room and gives the camera a look of triumph)
(The door closes on Dwight, Dwight peeks out between the blinds)
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE
Michael: (to the camera) Can you get her? She's right there. (camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk) That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this...is Meredith's card. (holds up a card with a cartoon bird with real feathers on the bum, the card reads "HAPPY BIRD-DAY") Happy Bird-Day. (starts laughing and opens the card) Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers." Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, "Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael." (pretends to vomit) (starts laughing)
CUT TO DWIGHT AND JIM SPYING ON TOBY AND KEVIN IN THE KITCHEN EATING LUNCH
Dwight: They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?
Jim: Yeah, what do you think that's about?
Dwight: Only one way to find out.
Jim: I'm on it.
(Jim gives Dwight a nod and goes into room)
CUT TO PARKING LOT
(Camera is kind of far away)
Jim: You are not going to believe this.
Dwight: What? I believe it.
Jim: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Dwight: I could tell, from the body language.
CUT TO KITCHEN
(Jim is just standing there casually)
Jim: Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?
(Camera swings in front of Jim, in the background we can see Dwight watching through the blinds)
Kevin: Italian.
Jim: (turns to Dwight for a second) Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone...
Kevin: Yeah.
Jim: (VO) Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
CUT BACK TO PARKING LOT
Dwight: Good, let 'em. It helps our cause.
Jim: Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...
Dwight: Oh, they're forming an alliance
CUT BACK TO KITCHEN
Toby: I love their sandwiches.
Jim: I love their sandwiches too.
Kevin: Their bread's really good.
Jim: Their bread is VERY good.
CUT BACK TO PARKING LOT
Dwight: (frustrated) Damn it. God! (kicks the tire on a red car)
(Car alarm starts going off, Jim pulls out keys and disarms it, (it was his car))
Jim: Okay, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight: (taking this way too seriously) God Damn it! Why us?
Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: (staring at card) Meredith, Meredith...Meri...Mary had a little lamb. Mary...Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.
(Knock on door)
Michael: (startled) Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up?
Oscar: Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
Michael: Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on?
Oscar: My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to...you know...if...
Michael: What?
Oscar: Donate to the charity?
Michael: Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.
Oscar: Thank you.
Michael: No, I'm always good...for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you...$25.
Oscar: (shocked) That's...that's...that's very generous.
Michael: Oh, my gosh, well...Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into...morale. That's what I say, so...(clicks tongue)
(Oscar gives Michael probably the first and last nod of admiration)
CUT TO JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA
Pam: (in a slight whisper) Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?
(Dwight overhears, tries to listen without being obvious)
Jim: Sure, what's up?
Pam: Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?
Jim: Oh no?
Pam: Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, "These people are my friends." But he's all like, "This is confidential. You can't tell anybody." But I just feel like I want to...aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything.
Jim: No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.
Pam: Okay, yeah.
(Jim takes off with Pam, Dwight sits at his desk and nods)
Dwight: (to himself) Jackpot.
Jim: (VO) That was beautiful.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: All her idea too. Awesome. (thoughtful) She is so great. (realizes he's on camera, looks up and tries to play it off)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Michael is still looking at the card)
Michael: Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath. (looks at camera)
(Dwight comes in quickly and closes the door)
Dwight: Hey, you wanted to see me?
Michael: Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
Dwight: I don't think she'd be missed.
Michael: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, Okay? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Dwight: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundees.
Michael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael: (clueless) Which on is that again?
Dwight: That's where they remove the uterus.
Michael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
Dwight: It could be kind of funny.
Michael: You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just...okay. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight.
(Dwight leaves, with a little bit of a sad look on his face)
Michael: That was a waste of time.
CUT TO DWIGHT AND JIM HAVING ANOTHER ONE OF THEIR MEETINGS IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Jim: Okay, here's the deal. Alright? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday.
Dwight: Oh my God, we have to be there.
Jim: I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there.
Dwight: No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.
Jim: What? What?
Dwight: I know. I know exactly what to do. (holds up hand)
Jim: (gives Dwight a high five) Great.
Dwight: (VO) I'm a deer hunter.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are...at vision.
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
Dwight: This is going to be perfect, okay? Centrally located. (starts climbing into a cardboard box) Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything.
Jim: (helping him) Good.
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Ryan knocks on the door wearing a party hat)
Ryan: Michael? Are you done yet?
Michael: Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. Okay, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on!
(Everybody in the office is wearing a party hat and gather up front)
Michael: Shhh. Be quiet.
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
(Dwight is crouched in the cardboard box)
Jim: Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.
Dwight: So tape it down.
Jim: I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe.
Dwight: Look, I can breathe just fine. Okay, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.
Jim: Thank you, thank you. Okay.
(closes the lid to the cardboard box)
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
(Phyllis is standing with the cake, door opens)
(Angela and Meredith walk in)
Everybody: Surprise!
Meredith: Oh! (turns to Angela) Surprise.
Angela: No, it's ah...
Michael: It's surprise Meredith. One, two...
Everybody: (at different times) Happy birthday to you.
Michael: Find a key.
Everybody: Happy birthday...
CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE
Jim: So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?
(Dwight pops out like a jack-in-the-box)
Dwight: No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone.
Jim: Right...That's good.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: Can I trust Jim? I don't know.
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
(Jim is using an excessive amount of tape to close the box)
Dwight: (VO) Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes.
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: Should I trust Jim? You tell me.
CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE
(Jim finishes taping box)
(In the background, faintly heard, "...birthday, dear Meredith...")
(A warehouse guy passes Jim, Jim stands next to the box nonchalantly)
(Background, "...Happy birthday to you...")
Michael: (OS) And many more!
CUT TO THE OFFICE AND EVERYBODY EATING CAKE AND TALKING
Stanley: Last year, five years ago...
CUT TO MICHAEL TALKING TO MEREDITH, PHYLLIS AND ANGELA
(Everybody but Meredith is eating cake)
Michael: You were surprised, weren't you?
Meredith: Yes.
Michael: You looked freaked, man. We said "Surprise." (puts a mouthful of cake in his mouth) You were, like, "What?" "What the hell's goin' on here?" Good cake. Why don't you have some?
Meredith: Uh, I can't. Um...
Michael: (pushing a forkful of cake toward her) Come on. A little bit.
Meredith: I can't eat dairy.
Michael: Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good.
Meredith: Yeah, it makes me sick.
Michael: You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself.
(Angela gives Michael a disaproving look)
Michael: (oblivious) 'Cause this is way, way too good.
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
(camera zooms in on a taped up box with two little holes on the side)
Pam: (VO) He's in a box?
Jim: (VO) Pam, he's in a box.
CUT TO PARTY
Jim: He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves.
(Pam starts cracking up)
Jim: I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic.
CUT TO PAM COMING DOWN THE STAIRS TO THE WAREHOUSE.
Pam: (VO) Hey where are you?
CUT TO PAM ON STANDING NEAR THE DWIGHT BOX
Pam: (on cell phone) Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? (tries not to laugh) Oh my gosh!
(camera zooms in on box, Dwight is cutting a larger hole in it)
Pam: That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do?
(Box starts falling over)
Pam: (trying really hard not to laugh) It said specifically that...
(Box falls over, Pam can't hold it anymore and runs off still trying not to laugh)
Dwight: (pained) Oh.
CUT BACK TO PARTY
Michael: Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.
Jim: Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks?
Michael: Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.
Jim: Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So...God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.
(camera zooms in on Michaels drained face)
Michael: Is Oscar around?
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know...25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so...
Oscar: Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is.
Michael: I know...
Oscar: It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, "However many dollars per mile."
Michael: Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...
Oscar: I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.
Michael: No, no no no no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't...No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just...it...it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?
Oscar: Yeah.
Michael: How many miles did he do last year?
Oscar: Last year, he walked 18 miles.
Michael: Son. Of. A. Bitch. That is impressive.
CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE
(The box is still on it's side, all of a sudden we see a knife poke out the top, it's sawing all over the place)
(Then it stops, we hear the knife being clicked back into it's holder)
(Suddenly, a hand bursts through the top)
(Struggling a bit, Dwight emerges. Darryl, a warehouse worker is just standing in the back watching the whole thing)
(Was a knife really necessary to break out of a cardboard box?)
CUT BACK TO THE PARTY
Pam: Happy Birthday. (gives Meredith her card)
Michael: Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.
Meredith: "Happy Bird-day" (shows card to everybody) Um..."Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still." (everybody laughs, she smiles at Stanley who cheers her with his paper cup)
Michael: (under his breath) I don't know about that.
Meredith: That was Stanley. "Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam." (everybody awwws)
Michael: (pretends to vomit) Huh! Thanks, downer.
Meredith: This is from Michael. "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
(Everybody is silent)
Michael: Because of the downsizing. (catches himself) Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.
Meredith: No, I...I get it. It's funny.
Michael: (laughs) You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually...I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um...(shifts through sheets of paper) Oh, where's that? Oh, okay, here's a good one. Um..."Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?
(Everybody is shooting Michael a death glare now)
Meredith: You're right. You're right. Yes.
Michael: Divorce. Um...okay, "Meredith is so old..." (looks up expectantly)
Oscar: How old is she?
Michael: Everybody? If...could do it? "Meredith is so old..."
Everybody: (unenthusiastically) How old is she?
Michael: "She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her."
(Nobody laughs or moves)
Michael: That wasn't even mine. I got that off the internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me.
(Pam rubs Meredith's shoulder)
Oscar: Uh, nice party Michael.
Michael: This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. (The camera pans to the party planning beeyotches, they don't look pleased AT ALL.) The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.
Angela: Phyllis wanted red, I didn't.
Phyllis: (looks at Angela) Oh, boy...You...
(Everybody starts to dissipate)
Michael: Okay, we...alright. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. Okay, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are...a group of people...who work together. I was...I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's...walkathon. Twenty-five dollars.
Oscar: (re-emphasizing) Per mile.
Michael: Per mile, yes.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: When I retire, I...don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.
CUT BACK TO THE FAILED PARTY
(Michael is writing a check)
Michael: A check for the kids, and for the team. (VO) I want it to be like...
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: ..."Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what, (whispering) that was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous, how do you know?" "Because I'm him."
CUT BACK TO PARTY
(Michael give Oscar the check)
Oscar: Thank you, Michael.
(Michael starts clapping, hoping others will join in, but no one does)
Michael: Come here. (Grabs Oscar for a hug) (In a low voice) Don't cash that till Friday, okay?
CUT TO TOBY AND RYAN LEANING AGAINST THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Toby: Really? Today?
Ryan: Yeah.
Toby: Oh, Happy Birthday.
Ryan: Thanks.
Toby: Yeah, I could say something.
Ryan: No, don't. Don't do that.
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Jim is jogging towards Pam's desk)
Jim: (excited) Okay, okay. I have something that TOTALLY tops the box.
(Grabs Pam's chair and leans in close so he can talk quietly)
Pam: Oh, tell me, tell me.
Jim: Okay. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and...(Pam covers her face and starts laughing)...spy on our other branch. (Jim grabs her free hand) No no no.
CUT TO EARLIER IN DWIGHT AND JIM'S DESK AREA
Jim: (VO) But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
(Dwight pats his hair with both hands)
CUT BACK TO RECEPTION
(Jim puts a hand on Pam's shoulder and covers his mouth with the other)
Pam: (laughing) That's perfect!
(The sound of a door opening can be heard)
Jim: If we can get him to drive to Connecticut...(Jim's hand moves to Pam's other shoulder and Pam grabs Jim's other hand, trying to steady herself as she laughs, they are really close now)...and put peroxide in his hair...
(Roy enters the scene)
Roy: (loudly) What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?
(Jim let's go of Pam and stands up really quickly)
Jim: No, no, dude, no.
(Roy moves in quick on Jim, Jim back up)
Pam: (quickly standing between Roy and Jim) Hey, HEY!
Jim: No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.
(The whole office is now looking)
Pam: Come on.
Jim: (a little panicky) God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. (points in the vague direction of his desk) Uh, um...
(Quick cut to Pam standing in front of a pissed off looking Roy)
Jim: Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. (nervous laughter) And then um...um...we were...we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um...
Pam: It's just office pranks.
Jim: It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks.
Roy: (looking at Dwight) An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?
(The camera pans over to Dwight who is hiding behind a plant)
Dwight: I have absolutely no idea.
(Jim just stands there speechless and a little betrayed)
Roy: Come on. (guides Pam away while giving Jim a nasty "watch yourself" look, Pam follows without saying a word)
(Jim stands there, dumbfounded, looks at everybody, then finally moves)
Dwight: (VO) Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not. At. All. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: (With blond hair) That's politics baby. Get what you can outta someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.
THE END
THE OFFICE: AN AMERICAN WORKPLACE S1EP03 - HEALTH CARE
Original Airdate (NBC): 05/APR/2005
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
==========================
Guest star: Melora Hardin (Jan Levinson-Gould), Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), Paul Lieberstein (Toby), Mindy Kaling (Kelly), Kate Flannery (Meredith), Oscar Nunez (Oscar), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Brian Baumgartner (Kevin) , Leeslie David Baker (Stanley)
OPENING CREDITS (With that awesome Jay Ferguson music)
INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA
(Pam is working at her desk)
Michael: Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies.
Pam: I'm not making any copies.
Michael: Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway.
Pam: Nothing new.
Michael: Lay them on moi. What?
Pam: There's nothing new.
Michael: That's not what you said earlier.
Pam: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the...(nods toward camera)
(Michael just stands there silent)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um...Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.
CUT TO SHOT OF ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT
CUT TO SHOT OF MICHAEL IN OFFICE WITH JAN LEVITSON-GOULD
Jan: So, which health plan have you decided on?
Michael: I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic message, you know, the works.
Jan: Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?
Michael: I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
Jan: The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.
Michael: Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: You gotta crack these things open.
Jan: You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan.
Michael: Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um...It won't be popular decision around the old orifice.
Jan: It's your job. So...
Michael: Well, it's a suicide mission, you know.
Jan: Michael...maybe...I mean...
Michael: There, there...
Jan: Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael: (scoffs) When have you ever done that?
Jan: I'm doing it right now. To you.
CUT TO RECEPTION AREA
(Jim is leaning across the counter talking to Pam)
Jim: Last night on Trading Spouses, there's...have you seen it?
Pam: No. I have a life.
Jim: Interesting, what's that like?
Pam: You should try it sometime.
Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is...
Pam: (laughs)...your problem.
(Michael comes out of his office)
Michael: Jimbo!
(Jim stands up, slightly annoyed)
Michael: Ha haaaaa. Ah. (walks off)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day.
(camera pans to his inbox to reveal, one, solitary post it note)
(Camera then pans to Jim who is looking at the post it)
Micheal: So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
Jim: Gosh! Heh...
Michael: Yeah!
Jim: That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I am going to do. You know who would be great for this?
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.
CUT TO DWIGHT IN MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Dwight: (enthusiastically) Yes. I can do it. I'm your man. (takes all the health care info off of Michael's desk)
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
CUT BACK TO DWIGHT IN MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Dwight: Okay, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan.
Dwight: Okay, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference foom should be fine.
Michael: You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Dwight: (to self) Yes, I have an office. (to camera) Bigger than his.
Michael: Nope, you cannot use it.
Dwight: Okay, I take it back, it's a workspace.
Michael: Temporary workspace. You can use it.
Dwight: Thank you. (smiles slyly at the camera)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today.
CUT TO DWIGHT IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM
(There is a sign posted on the window that says "DWIGHT SCHRUTE WORKSPACE")
Michael (VO): Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.
CUT TO DWIGHT HANDING OUT MEMOS TO EVERYBODY
Dwight (VO): What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.
CUT TO DWIGHT IN HIS WORKSPACE
Dwight: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. (looks into camera) I'm the lion. You're dead.
CUT TO EVERYONE LOOKING AT THE MEMO, UPSET
Stanley(VO): There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible.
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Phone rings)
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael: (on phone) Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?
Pam: Where are you?
(camera pans around to Michael's office, the blinds are drawn shut)
Michael: Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped.
(Camera finds a crack in the blinds enough for us to see Michael)
Michael: I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away.
(Shows Michael playing with a little toy Dunder Mifflin delivery truck)
Michael: I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there?
Pam: Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the...
Michael: Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call.
(Pam looks at her lines)
Pam: No you're not.
(Michael realizes that she can see his lines)
Michael: I have to make a call after I finish...my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?
Pam: Okay.
Michael: Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this.
Pam: Still no one calling.
(Michael hangs up)
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Pam and Jim open the door and go in)
Pam: Dwight, what...
Dwight: Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office.
Jim: It says "workspace".
Dwight: Same thing.
Jim: If it's the same thing, then why did you write "workspace"?
Dwight: (not knowing what to say) Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.
Jim: You are NOT my superior.
Dwight: Oh gee, then why do I have an office?
Jim: I thought it was a workspace.
(Pam finally getting impatient)
Pam: Okay! Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan?
Dwight: Yes. And my decision in final.
Pam: This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything.
Dwight: Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it.
Jim: You cut more than you had to, didn't you?
Dwight: Sure.
Jim: Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance?
Dwight: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
Jim: Okay, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
Dwight: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will. (demonstrating with a pen)
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: (matter-of-factly) So I can lower it.
(Pam nods as though she's going to have to be satisfied with that answer)
CUT TO ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT
Oscar: He literally won't come out of his office.
Kevin: He's got to come out sometime. (gets that sly smile of his) To go to the bathroom.
Angela: Kevin! That's inappropriate.
CUT TO OUTSIDE OF MEN'S ROOM
(Oscar and Meredith are waiting outside, Michael walks out)
Oscar: Michael, can I talk to you?
Michael: Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check? (starts hurridly walking to his office)
(Meredith and Oscar follow)
Meredith: Michael. Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo?
Michael: Ah, what? Which memo?
(More people are waiting for him by his office door)
Pam: Dwight's health care memo. I told you about it.
Michael: Is it a good plan?
Dwight: It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune.
Oscar: It's like a pay decrease.
Pam: Michael, he made huge cuts.
Michael: Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?
Dwight: Yeah, you said...
Michael: No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them?
Dwight: I can handle that.
Michael: Okay? Alright. Do we feel good? Alright. Good. (starts back to office, but stops and turns around) Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. Okay? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right?
(Everybody goes back to their desks, Dwight backs up into his workspace, Michael peeks out of his office between the blinds)
Oscar: This is not good.
Angela: It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him?
Oscar: What was that?
Angela: You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic.
(Oscar sighs)
Kevin: What are you guys talking about?
Angela: Nothing, Kevin.
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE
Michael: Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, "Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I...what a great guy. I love him. I...love him.
CUT BACK TO JIM'S DESK AND ENTRANCE TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Dwight comes out)
Dwight: Okay, everyone. Gather around.
(No one moves)
Dwight: Step forward.
(Still, no one moves)
Dwight: It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.
Jim: 'Kay, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.
Dwight: Okay, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.
Jim: Workspace.
(Dwight glares at Jim before he closes the door)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: You know what? Come with me. (grabs keys) We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise. (comes out of his office quickly)
Pam: Were are you going?
Michael: Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. (Opens the door and giggles) Couldn't find the knob.
CUT TO TRAVEL CENTER
Michael: So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, okay? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend.
Travel Agent: I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe?
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so...
CUT TO OFFICE
(Cut to people circling things on the list, Phyllis copying something off a perscription bottle, Kevin is trying to hide his answers)
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Jim and Pam are filling out their surveys, Jim glances at Pam's paper)
Jim: Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease.
(Pam looks at him confused)
Jim: Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.
(Holds up his paper with everything circled, Pam starts laughing)
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Oh, nice.
Jim: Thank you.
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS CAR IN A PARKING LOT
Michael: (talking on cell phone) Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.
Man on Phone: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mine shaft? It's not really a ride.
Michael: (Pulls out brochure) Its says here that it's a 300ft drop.
Man on Phone: It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.
Michael: So it's not a free fall?
Man on Phone: It's an industrial coal elevator.
Michael: Uh, well, alright. Well, once you get down into the mine, what...you got laser tag or something?
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE
Michael: Okay, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway?
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
(Dwight shouts off camera)
Dwight: Dammit!
(Opens door angrily)
Dwight: Alright, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
Jim: What are you talking about?
Dwight: Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony.
Jim: Okay, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight: Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. (cut to accounting department) (OS) Hot-dog fingers. (Angela starts laughing) Government-created killer nanorobot infection. (Stanley is laughing hard)
(Dwight turns to Jim, who is at the reception desk)
Dwight: You did this, didn't you?
Jim: Absolutely not.
Dwight: Yes you did.
Jim: No I didn't.
Dwight: I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one.
(Goes back into conference room)
CUT TO RECEPTION
Jim: (to Pam) Killer nanorobots?
Pam: It's an epidemic. (gives her best innocent look)
CUT LATER TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Dwight: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. (reads off of paper) "Count Choculitis"
Jim: (whistles) Sounds tough.
Dwight: Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you?
Dwight: I think you need to confess...
Jim: (gets up) Mmm hmm.
Dwight: ...the fact...
Jim: Yep. (grabs keys off of table and heads to the door)
Dwight: What are you doing? Those are my keys.
Jim: Good luck. (closes door and locks it)
Dwight: Jim! Damn it! NO! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let-(Bangs on door)
(Without looking, Jim throws his keys to his left, they land on a shelf next to Stanley)
Stanley: (looks at keys, continues talking on phone)...the light green or green...
CUT TO JIM AT HIS DESK
(Phone rings, Dwight can be seen in the background on phone)
Jim: (picks up phone) Jim Halpert.
Dwight: Let me out.
Jim: Who IS this?
Dwight: Let me out or you're fired.
Jim: No, you can't fire me.
Dwight: Y-yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.
Jim: Okay, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep. (presses button on phone) Jim Halpert.
Pam: (on phone) Hey, Jim. It's Pam.
Jim: Hey Pam! How are ya?
Dwight: (Faintly heard through window) JIM! Open the door!
Pam: Good, how are you? Busy?
Jim: I'm doing okay. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?
Dwight: Jim!
Pam: Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?
(Dwight angrily knocks on window)
Jim: No, not at all.
Pam: You don't have anything you're doing?
Jim: I have nothing to do.
Dwight: (still knocking on window) Jim!
Pam: Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? No, nothing. I'm not really doing anything.
Dwight: (knocking getting more persistent now) JIM!!
Jim: Oh yeah?
Pam: I might go to the mall.
Jim: The mall?
Dwight: Jim!
Pam: I need new shoes.
Jim: Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes?
(Dwight knocking the entire time)
CUT TO DWIGHT IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM
(Talking on the speaker phone)
Jan: Hello?
Dwight: Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould.
Jan: This is Jan.
Dwight: Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.
Jan: Who is this?
Dwight: Dwight Schrute.
Jan: From sales?
Dwight: Well...
Jan: Where's Michael Scott?
Dwight: He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.
Jan: Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Dwight: That's not entirely true. Because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan.
Jan: Really?
Dwight: Yeah.
Jan: Okay, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Dwight: Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?
Jan: No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again.
Dwight: Oh, this is your cell- I thought this was your...(dial tone)
CUT TO SHOT OF THE CLOCK WHICH READS 4:33
(Michael comes into the office)
Michael: Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! (laughs) Here you go. Take one, take one. (hands one to Pam) It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. (throws one at Phyllis, who misses it) Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! (throws it way over her head) Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism.
Ryan: Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the...
Michael: Why don't you just eat it, okay? And here you go, Stanley the manly.
Stanley: Oh, thanks.
Michael: There you go.
Stanley: This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.
Michael: Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprisING. Um, because you didn't expect it. But you will...you'll know it when you see it. (throws a sandwich at Kevin who wasn't even looking)
(Camera pans to Dwight who is still locked in the conference room)
Dwight: (knocking on window) Michael. Michael!
Michael: (under his breath) Oh, Christ...
(Michael just walks straight to his office and shuts the door)
(Jim turns around in his chair and throws his ice cream at Dwight)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: I tried being rational, okay? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options.
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM, DWIGHT IS HOLDING A MEETING (And apparently got unlocked)
Dwight: I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
Stanley: What about confidentiality?
Dwight: You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis.
(No one raises their hand)
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
(Silence)
CUT TO SPY SHOT OF MICHAEL THROUGH THE BLINDS
(He's eating an ice cream sandwich, there are wrappers all around his desk, he throws down his current one and looks sick)
CUT BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Dwight: Okay, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. Okay, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?
Kevin: That's a real thing.
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin: (glances at camera) Someone has it.
(Silence as the realization kicks in for everybody)
CUT TO EVERYBODY GETTING READY TO LEAVE
(Everybody is standing around Michael's door, Michael is peeking out of the blinds)
Kevin: Do you think we should go ?
Oscar: I don't know, Kevin. This is important. I don't want...(spots Michael through the blinds) There he is.
Kevin: What is he doing?
Oscar: I don't know.
(Michael slowly opens the door and emerges)
(Everybody just stands there, dissatisfied and ready to leave)
(Michael sighs loudly, as if nothing's wrong)
Oscar: Well?
Michael: Well, what? You could be referring to anything.
Oscar: Okay, the health care plan.
Pam: Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.
Michael: Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits?
Dwight: I most certainly did not.
Michael: Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah...(sarcastically) Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and...what time is it, what time is it? (looks at watch) Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, okay. See you guys on Monday. (turns to go back into office)
Angela: What about the surprise?
Michael: Oh, yesss. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what YOU think the big surprise is?
Stanley: We all think you don't have a surprise.
Michael: Alright, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And...here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is...Brrrrrrr! (starts banging imaginary drums) Drum roll...Brrrrrrr! Brrrrrrr! (running out of breath) (stops and just stands there in silence)
(Everybody looks pissed now)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
CUT BACK TO THE IMPENDING MUTINY IN THE OFFICE
Michael: (claps hands) God, yeah...Ahh! (trying real hard to think) This...(gets quiet)
(Kevin looks around and leaves, followed by Kelly)
Michael: (VO) Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head to head with him.
(Ryan leaves)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: Oh! That would be exciting. (as Robin Williams)"Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.
CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE AREA
(Michael is standing there still trying to come up with something)
(Meredith leaves, followed by Toby, then Pam)
(Angela and Phyllis leave, Jim is still at his desk)
(Jim gets his bag and leaves, Michael just stands there, dissapointed)
Dwight: Oh, um...Jan wants you to call her.
THE END
==========================
TRANSCRIPT:
==========================
Guest star: Melora Hardin (Jan Levinson-Gould), Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), Paul Lieberstein (Toby), Mindy Kaling (Kelly), Kate Flannery (Meredith), Oscar Nunez (Oscar), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Brian Baumgartner (Kevin) , Leeslie David Baker (Stanley)
OPENING CREDITS (With that awesome Jay Ferguson music)
INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA
(Pam is working at her desk)
Michael: Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies.
Pam: I'm not making any copies.
Michael: Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway.
Pam: Nothing new.
Michael: Lay them on moi. What?
Pam: There's nothing new.
Michael: That's not what you said earlier.
Pam: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the...(nods toward camera)
(Michael just stands there silent)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um...Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.
CUT TO SHOT OF ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT
CUT TO SHOT OF MICHAEL IN OFFICE WITH JAN LEVITSON-GOULD
Jan: So, which health plan have you decided on?
Michael: I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic message, you know, the works.
Jan: Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?
Michael: I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
Jan: The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.
Michael: Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: You gotta crack these things open.
Jan: You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan.
Michael: Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um...It won't be popular decision around the old orifice.
Jan: It's your job. So...
Michael: Well, it's a suicide mission, you know.
Jan: Michael...maybe...I mean...
Michael: There, there...
Jan: Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael: (scoffs) When have you ever done that?
Jan: I'm doing it right now. To you.
CUT TO RECEPTION AREA
(Jim is leaning across the counter talking to Pam)
Jim: Last night on Trading Spouses, there's...have you seen it?
Pam: No. I have a life.
Jim: Interesting, what's that like?
Pam: You should try it sometime.
Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is...
Pam: (laughs)...your problem.
(Michael comes out of his office)
Michael: Jimbo!
(Jim stands up, slightly annoyed)
Michael: Ha haaaaa. Ah. (walks off)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day.
(camera pans to his inbox to reveal, one, solitary post it note)
(Camera then pans to Jim who is looking at the post it)
Micheal: So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
Jim: Gosh! Heh...
Michael: Yeah!
Jim: That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I am going to do. You know who would be great for this?
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.
CUT TO DWIGHT IN MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Dwight: (enthusiastically) Yes. I can do it. I'm your man. (takes all the health care info off of Michael's desk)
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
CUT BACK TO DWIGHT IN MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Dwight: Okay, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan.
Dwight: Okay, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference foom should be fine.
Michael: You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Dwight: (to self) Yes, I have an office. (to camera) Bigger than his.
Michael: Nope, you cannot use it.
Dwight: Okay, I take it back, it's a workspace.
Michael: Temporary workspace. You can use it.
Dwight: Thank you. (smiles slyly at the camera)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today.
CUT TO DWIGHT IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM
(There is a sign posted on the window that says "DWIGHT SCHRUTE WORKSPACE")
Michael (VO): Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.
CUT TO DWIGHT HANDING OUT MEMOS TO EVERYBODY
Dwight (VO): What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.
CUT TO DWIGHT IN HIS WORKSPACE
Dwight: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. (looks into camera) I'm the lion. You're dead.
CUT TO EVERYONE LOOKING AT THE MEMO, UPSET
Stanley(VO): There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible.
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Phone rings)
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael: (on phone) Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?
Pam: Where are you?
(camera pans around to Michael's office, the blinds are drawn shut)
Michael: Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped.
(Camera finds a crack in the blinds enough for us to see Michael)
Michael: I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away.
(Shows Michael playing with a little toy Dunder Mifflin delivery truck)
Michael: I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there?
Pam: Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the...
Michael: Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call.
(Pam looks at her lines)
Pam: No you're not.
(Michael realizes that she can see his lines)
Michael: I have to make a call after I finish...my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?
Pam: Okay.
Michael: Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this.
Pam: Still no one calling.
(Michael hangs up)
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Pam and Jim open the door and go in)
Pam: Dwight, what...
Dwight: Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office.
Jim: It says "workspace".
Dwight: Same thing.
Jim: If it's the same thing, then why did you write "workspace"?
Dwight: (not knowing what to say) Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.
Jim: You are NOT my superior.
Dwight: Oh gee, then why do I have an office?
Jim: I thought it was a workspace.
(Pam finally getting impatient)
Pam: Okay! Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan?
Dwight: Yes. And my decision in final.
Pam: This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything.
Dwight: Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it.
Jim: You cut more than you had to, didn't you?
Dwight: Sure.
Jim: Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance?
Dwight: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
Jim: Okay, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
Dwight: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will. (demonstrating with a pen)
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: (matter-of-factly) So I can lower it.
(Pam nods as though she's going to have to be satisfied with that answer)
CUT TO ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT
Oscar: He literally won't come out of his office.
Kevin: He's got to come out sometime. (gets that sly smile of his) To go to the bathroom.
Angela: Kevin! That's inappropriate.
CUT TO OUTSIDE OF MEN'S ROOM
(Oscar and Meredith are waiting outside, Michael walks out)
Oscar: Michael, can I talk to you?
Michael: Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check? (starts hurridly walking to his office)
(Meredith and Oscar follow)
Meredith: Michael. Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo?
Michael: Ah, what? Which memo?
(More people are waiting for him by his office door)
Pam: Dwight's health care memo. I told you about it.
Michael: Is it a good plan?
Dwight: It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune.
Oscar: It's like a pay decrease.
Pam: Michael, he made huge cuts.
Michael: Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?
Dwight: Yeah, you said...
Michael: No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them?
Dwight: I can handle that.
Michael: Okay? Alright. Do we feel good? Alright. Good. (starts back to office, but stops and turns around) Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. Okay? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right?
(Everybody goes back to their desks, Dwight backs up into his workspace, Michael peeks out of his office between the blinds)
Oscar: This is not good.
Angela: It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him?
Oscar: What was that?
Angela: You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic.
(Oscar sighs)
Kevin: What are you guys talking about?
Angela: Nothing, Kevin.
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE
Michael: Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, "Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I...what a great guy. I love him. I...love him.
CUT BACK TO JIM'S DESK AND ENTRANCE TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Dwight comes out)
Dwight: Okay, everyone. Gather around.
(No one moves)
Dwight: Step forward.
(Still, no one moves)
Dwight: It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.
Jim: 'Kay, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.
Dwight: Okay, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.
Jim: Workspace.
(Dwight glares at Jim before he closes the door)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: You know what? Come with me. (grabs keys) We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise. (comes out of his office quickly)
Pam: Were are you going?
Michael: Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. (Opens the door and giggles) Couldn't find the knob.
CUT TO TRAVEL CENTER
Michael: So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, okay? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend.
Travel Agent: I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe?
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so...
CUT TO OFFICE
(Cut to people circling things on the list, Phyllis copying something off a perscription bottle, Kevin is trying to hide his answers)
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Jim and Pam are filling out their surveys, Jim glances at Pam's paper)
Jim: Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease.
(Pam looks at him confused)
Jim: Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.
(Holds up his paper with everything circled, Pam starts laughing)
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Oh, nice.
Jim: Thank you.
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS CAR IN A PARKING LOT
Michael: (talking on cell phone) Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.
Man on Phone: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mine shaft? It's not really a ride.
Michael: (Pulls out brochure) Its says here that it's a 300ft drop.
Man on Phone: It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.
Michael: So it's not a free fall?
Man on Phone: It's an industrial coal elevator.
Michael: Uh, well, alright. Well, once you get down into the mine, what...you got laser tag or something?
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE
Michael: Okay, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway?
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
(Dwight shouts off camera)
Dwight: Dammit!
(Opens door angrily)
Dwight: Alright, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
Jim: What are you talking about?
Dwight: Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony.
Jim: Okay, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight: Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. (cut to accounting department) (OS) Hot-dog fingers. (Angela starts laughing) Government-created killer nanorobot infection. (Stanley is laughing hard)
(Dwight turns to Jim, who is at the reception desk)
Dwight: You did this, didn't you?
Jim: Absolutely not.
Dwight: Yes you did.
Jim: No I didn't.
Dwight: I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one.
(Goes back into conference room)
CUT TO RECEPTION
Jim: (to Pam) Killer nanorobots?
Pam: It's an epidemic. (gives her best innocent look)
CUT LATER TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Dwight: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. (reads off of paper) "Count Choculitis"
Jim: (whistles) Sounds tough.
Dwight: Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you?
Dwight: I think you need to confess...
Jim: (gets up) Mmm hmm.
Dwight: ...the fact...
Jim: Yep. (grabs keys off of table and heads to the door)
Dwight: What are you doing? Those are my keys.
Jim: Good luck. (closes door and locks it)
Dwight: Jim! Damn it! NO! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let-(Bangs on door)
(Without looking, Jim throws his keys to his left, they land on a shelf next to Stanley)
Stanley: (looks at keys, continues talking on phone)...the light green or green...
CUT TO JIM AT HIS DESK
(Phone rings, Dwight can be seen in the background on phone)
Jim: (picks up phone) Jim Halpert.
Dwight: Let me out.
Jim: Who IS this?
Dwight: Let me out or you're fired.
Jim: No, you can't fire me.
Dwight: Y-yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.
Jim: Okay, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep. (presses button on phone) Jim Halpert.
Pam: (on phone) Hey, Jim. It's Pam.
Jim: Hey Pam! How are ya?
Dwight: (Faintly heard through window) JIM! Open the door!
Pam: Good, how are you? Busy?
Jim: I'm doing okay. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?
Dwight: Jim!
Pam: Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?
(Dwight angrily knocks on window)
Jim: No, not at all.
Pam: You don't have anything you're doing?
Jim: I have nothing to do.
Dwight: (still knocking on window) Jim!
Pam: Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? No, nothing. I'm not really doing anything.
Dwight: (knocking getting more persistent now) JIM!!
Jim: Oh yeah?
Pam: I might go to the mall.
Jim: The mall?
Dwight: Jim!
Pam: I need new shoes.
Jim: Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes?
(Dwight knocking the entire time)
CUT TO DWIGHT IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM
(Talking on the speaker phone)
Jan: Hello?
Dwight: Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould.
Jan: This is Jan.
Dwight: Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.
Jan: Who is this?
Dwight: Dwight Schrute.
Jan: From sales?
Dwight: Well...
Jan: Where's Michael Scott?
Dwight: He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.
Jan: Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Dwight: That's not entirely true. Because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan.
Jan: Really?
Dwight: Yeah.
Jan: Okay, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Dwight: Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?
Jan: No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again.
Dwight: Oh, this is your cell- I thought this was your...(dial tone)
CUT TO SHOT OF THE CLOCK WHICH READS 4:33
(Michael comes into the office)
Michael: Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! (laughs) Here you go. Take one, take one. (hands one to Pam) It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. (throws one at Phyllis, who misses it) Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! (throws it way over her head) Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism.
Ryan: Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the...
Michael: Why don't you just eat it, okay? And here you go, Stanley the manly.
Stanley: Oh, thanks.
Michael: There you go.
Stanley: This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.
Michael: Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprisING. Um, because you didn't expect it. But you will...you'll know it when you see it. (throws a sandwich at Kevin who wasn't even looking)
(Camera pans to Dwight who is still locked in the conference room)
Dwight: (knocking on window) Michael. Michael!
Michael: (under his breath) Oh, Christ...
(Michael just walks straight to his office and shuts the door)
(Jim turns around in his chair and throws his ice cream at Dwight)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: I tried being rational, okay? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options.
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM, DWIGHT IS HOLDING A MEETING (And apparently got unlocked)
Dwight: I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
Stanley: What about confidentiality?
Dwight: You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis.
(No one raises their hand)
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
(Silence)
CUT TO SPY SHOT OF MICHAEL THROUGH THE BLINDS
(He's eating an ice cream sandwich, there are wrappers all around his desk, he throws down his current one and looks sick)
CUT BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Dwight: Okay, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. Okay, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?
Kevin: That's a real thing.
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin: (glances at camera) Someone has it.
(Silence as the realization kicks in for everybody)
CUT TO EVERYBODY GETTING READY TO LEAVE
(Everybody is standing around Michael's door, Michael is peeking out of the blinds)
Kevin: Do you think we should go ?
Oscar: I don't know, Kevin. This is important. I don't want...(spots Michael through the blinds) There he is.
Kevin: What is he doing?
Oscar: I don't know.
(Michael slowly opens the door and emerges)
(Everybody just stands there, dissatisfied and ready to leave)
(Michael sighs loudly, as if nothing's wrong)
Oscar: Well?
Michael: Well, what? You could be referring to anything.
Oscar: Okay, the health care plan.
Pam: Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.
Michael: Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits?
Dwight: I most certainly did not.
Michael: Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah...(sarcastically) Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and...what time is it, what time is it? (looks at watch) Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, okay. See you guys on Monday. (turns to go back into office)
Angela: What about the surprise?
Michael: Oh, yesss. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what YOU think the big surprise is?
Stanley: We all think you don't have a surprise.
Michael: Alright, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And...here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is...Brrrrrrr! (starts banging imaginary drums) Drum roll...Brrrrrrr! Brrrrrrr! (running out of breath) (stops and just stands there in silence)
(Everybody looks pissed now)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
CUT BACK TO THE IMPENDING MUTINY IN THE OFFICE
Michael: (claps hands) God, yeah...Ahh! (trying real hard to think) This...(gets quiet)
(Kevin looks around and leaves, followed by Kelly)
Michael: (VO) Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head to head with him.
(Ryan leaves)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: Oh! That would be exciting. (as Robin Williams)"Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.
CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE AREA
(Michael is standing there still trying to come up with something)
(Meredith leaves, followed by Toby, then Pam)
(Angela and Phyllis leave, Jim is still at his desk)
(Jim gets his bag and leaves, Michael just stands there, dissapointed)
Dwight: Oh, um...Jan wants you to call her.
THE END
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