The One With All The Kissing
Written by: Wil Calhoun
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Bathroom, Chandler and Monica are sharing a candlelight bubble bath while drinking champagne and they clink their glasses.]
Monica: You look cute in bubbles.
Chandler: Ehh, you're just liquored up.
(They move into kiss but are interrupted by Joey knocking on the door.)
Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in!
(Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey enters. He looks a little shocked at what Chandler's doing.)
Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day.
Joey: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want some?
Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then.
Joey: Okay.
(Joey turns to leave but stops at the door.)
Joey: You sure? Some extra crispy? Dirty rice? Beans?
Chandler: For the last time no! Get out! Get out, Joey!
Joey: All right!
(Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.)
Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken.
Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken.
Chandler: Hey Joe!
(Monica goes back underwater as Joey re-enters.)
Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke-(Yelps in
pain as Monica grabs him underwater)-Diet Coke.
(Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the chicken.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are eating breakfast.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey, Pheebs!
Joey: Mornin' Pheebs!
Phoebe: I have to tell you this story. Okay, I was coming over here and this driver…
Joey: (interrupting) Was his name Angus? (Monica and Chandler laugh.)
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Oh, he was this cab driver we had in London.
Phoebe: Oh. Ha-ha-ha. All right, anyway…
Monica: Wait, what that place, that pub he took us too?
Chandler: Uh, The Wheatsheaf.
Joey: Yeah-yeah-yeah, and they had that beer! That uh…
Monica: Bodington's!
All: Bodington's! Woohoo! (And they all high-five each other.)
Chandler: Ooh! Ahh, Pheebs, was gonna tell a story.
Phoebe: Yeah, so, he had a really funny hat—I don't want to talk about it.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
All: Hey!
Joey: Hey, Ross, Bodington's!
Ross: Yeah! (They high-five.)
Joey: That was good beer.
Ross: Ohh…
Joey: Y'know, I'd walk back to London for another frosty one of those bad boys.
Ross: Y'know, I think they have those at that British pub near the trade center.
Joey: Later! (Exits.)
Ross: Isn't Rachel supposed to be back by now?
Monica: Yeah, but her plane got delayed in Athens. But actually, (Checks watch) she should be here by now.
Ross: Oh, so-so you talked to her. Did she, did she sound mad?
Monica: No, but she likes me. You abandoned her on a plane to Greece.
Ross: Okay, I did not abandon Rachel! Okay? Emily showed up at the airport! I had to go after her! I mean, I-I did what I had to do! She's my wife! Rachel is my wife! Y'know—Emily! Emily, is my wife! Man, what is that?
Phoebe: So you still hadn't heard from Emily?
Ross: No, not since I lost her at the airport.
Chandler: I can't believe she can out run you man!
Ross: HEY, SHE'S FAST!! OKAY?!! (Chandler is so shocked at Ross's outburst that he drops his spoon and backs up) Oh! You-you think you can be beat me? Let's go! Outside!!
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
All: Hey! (They all go hug her, except for Ross.)
Ross: Rach, Rach, I am so sorry. I am so-so sorry.
Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! You just did what you had to do.
Ross: That's it? You're not mad? I mean, it must've been terrible.
Rachel: Terrible? Hell, I was in Greece! That was a nice hotel! Nice beach, met the nice people. Not to shabby for Rachel. (Goes and puts her luggage away.)
Ross: So, what? That's it?
Rachel: Well, yeah! We're cool. Totally cool.
Ross: Oh, thanks. Oh, you're the best. (They hug.)
Rachel: Oh no, you're the best.
Ross: (breaking the hug) Ohh, I gotta go to the flower store! (Runs to the door.) Check it out, no one will tell me where Emily is, so I'm gonna send 72 long-stem, red roses to Emily's parent's house, one for each day that I've known and loved her. That oughta get her talking to me again.
Chandler: Oh, Ross, when you make out card; be sure to make it out to, EM-I-LY.
(Ross bangs his fists together to tell Chandler off, like what was learned last season. Read about it here.)
Monica: Rach, that's great! It's so good that you had a good time in Greece!
Rachel: What?! I didn't have a good time in Greece! Ross abandoned me! Okay, I couldn't get a plane out, so I had to stay in their honeymoon suite with people coming up to me all the time going, "Oh, Mrs. Geller, why are you crying?" I mean, it was sooo humiliating. I felt like such an idiot! I mean, it's all my fault! And you know why, because I make very bad decisions.
Chandler: Oh that's not true.
Rachel: Yes it is! It is true! I went, I went after Ross in stupid London.
Phoebe: London is stupid! Stupid!
Rachel: Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me.
Phoebe: Oh… No, I did that for someone once and I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life.
Monica: I'll do it!
Rachel: That's fine. So Monica, you are now in control of my love life.
Chandler: Okay, I gotta go to work.
(He gets up and gives Monica a rather passionate kiss as Rachel and Phoebe look on in amazement. After the kiss ends, Chandler suddenly realizes what he just did, so he decides to do something rather rash.)
Chandler: And uh, Rachel, glad to have you back.
(He goes over and gives Rachel the same treatment he gave Monica, only Rachel is shocked.)
Chandler: Pheebs! (He goes over and kisses Phoebe, who is also stunned.) Always a pleasure. (And he struts out leaving the girls to stare at each other.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Chandler and Joey are there looking at pictures from the trip to London.]
Monica: Oh, Rachel, sweetie, look, here's a really cute picture of Joey and you at the reception.
Rachel: Ohh, he's married! Ross is married. I can't—I still can't believe it. (Rachel grabs the picture from Monica)
Monica: Honey, sweetie, by the edges.
Rachel: I mean, y'know I'm just gonna have to accept it (She grabs the rest of the pictures)…
Monica: Ohh. (Monica covers her eyes in horror.)
Rachel: …I mean it's my fault.
Monica: Sweetie! Edges! Fingers! Smudgey! Pictures!
Rachel: Oh my God! (She licks the top picture and hands them back.)
Monica: Okay. That's okay. I-I know that you're very upset right now. I know, I know that wasn't about me.
Joey: (To Chandler) I bet it was about her a little.
Monica: If you would stop thinking about Ross for one minute you would notice that there are great guys everywhere! I mean, look! Look, Gunther! (Gunther turns to listen in.) I mean, he's nice, he's cute.
Rachel: Yeah, I guess Gunther is kinda…
Monica: (Interrupting) Oh, what about that guy over there? (She points at another guy and Gunther is deflated.) Remember? That is the guy you flirted with at the counter that time.
Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
Monica: You're going to talk to him! Y'know what? We made a deal, I make your decisions and I say you're going to talk to him.
Rachel: All right, you're the boss. I guess I gotta do what you tell me.
Joey: Say that to him and you're golden. (She just glares at him.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey, Pheebs!
Monica: We got out pictures back from London. (Shows her one.) Here's all of us at the Tower of London.
Phoebe: (Grabs the pictures) Oh! Here we all are! Yeah, there's Ross and Joey and you and me. (She picks up a magic marker and draws herself in. Monica can't watch.)
Chandler: All right, y'know what, we've been talking about London too much haven't we?
Phoebe: No. I'm sorry. It's just 'cause I couldn't be there. 'Cause all I ever get to do now is pregnant stuff, it just bums me out.
All: Sorry.
(Rachel returns.)
Monica: What happened?
Rachel: Well, y'know, a little of this, a little of that. Got myself a date tomorrow night.
Monica: See, didn't I tell you?! You're getting over Ross already!
Rachel: Well…
(Gunther goes up to the guy and holds a sign that reads, "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.")
Gunther: (To the guy) Get out!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler enters to find Monica waiting patiently for him. He closes the door and they start kissing.]
Monica: What took you so long?
Chandler: I got caught up and work, but I'm quitting tomorrow.
Monica: Oh, good.
(They start kissing and turn around so that Chandler is facing the door. And Chandler sees Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey walk in and quickly ends the kiss with Monica.)
Chandler: So, thanks for having me over! Rach. (Goes over, grabs her, and kisses her.) Pheebs. (After a moment while he decides how to kiss her around her belly, grabs her and kisses her.)
Joey: (Jumping out of his way) See ya!! (To the girls.) What the hell was that?!
Monica: Probably some y'know, European good-bye thing he picked up in London.
Rachel: That's not European!
Phoebe: Well, it felt French.
(Joey is intrigued.)
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Rachel is returning from her date with Dave.]
Rachel: Oh God, I really had a good time!
Dave: Yeah, me too. (They reach her door.) So, I guess this is it.
Rachel: Yeah. Umm, unless you wanna come inside?
Dave: Yeah!
Rachel: Okay. Oh, uh, wait a minute, y'know what? I uh, I can't decide this. Umm, okay, just hold on a second.
Dave: Okay, yeah!
(She enters the apartment, leaving Dave in the hallway, to find Ross sitting on the couch with a big box.)
Rachel: Umm, hi!
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Is Monica around? I-I have to ask her something.
Ross: She's doing her laundry.
Rachel: What's that? (Points to the box.)
Ross: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch!
Rachel: Oh, honey that's awful.
Ross: Oh, it's not so bad. Monica's gonna make potpourri! I think I'm gonna go wander out in the rain for a while.
Rachel: But, it's not raining.
Ross: I can't catch a break!
Rachel: Y'know what Ross? You're not going anywhere. You're gonna sit right here. I'm gonna make you a cup of tea and we're gonna talk this thing whole out. All right? (She goes out to talk to Dave) Hey, Dave!
Dave: Yeah?
Rachel: Umm, listen, I'm gonna need to take a rain check, my roommate is just really sick. Okay? Bye! (She goes back in to talk to Ross.) Honey, listen, I know, I know things seem so bad right now.
Monica: (Poking her head in) Rach? Can I talk to for just a minute? I-I dropped some socks.
Rachel: Yeah. (She goes out to join her in the hall and starts looking for the dropped socks.)
Monica: What is the matter with you?! Do you want to fall into the trap? Do you want to fall into the trap?!
Rachel: Ohh! You did not drop any socks!
Monica: I just ran into Dave and he told me that you blew him off! I mean, you listen to me! Now, I'm calling the shots! I say you leave Ross alone and go get Dave! What the hell were you trying to do?
Rachel: Well, ultimately, I was trying y'know, I-I wanted…tell him y'know, that I'm still in love with him.
Monica: (Gasps) What?!! You cannot tell him that!!
Rachel: Why? Why not?! People love to hear that!
Monica: I make the decisions, and I say no.
Rachel: Well, y'know what, no, you do not make my decisions because y'know what, you're fired.
Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired!" Ha!
Rachel: Well… (At a loss for words, she grabs some of Monica's laundry and throws it on the floor as a diversion to allow Rachel to run back inside and close the door. Monica chases her to find that Rachel had locked the door.)
Monica: Rachel!! Come on! Let me in!
Joey: (Poking his head out.) Havin' some trouble?
Monica: Rachel locked the door.
Joey: I'll kick that door in if you give me a little sugar.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The hallway, continued from earlier. Monica is still locked out.]
Monica: Rachel! Let me in! Rachel!
[Cut to inside the apartment, Ross decides to let Monica in and goes over and opens the door in mid-pound.]
Monica: Thank you. Rachel, can I talk to you outside for a sec?
Rachel: No.
Monica: I really need to talk to you.
Rachel: Well, then talk!
Monica: Okay, I will. Remember that thing that we just discussed that you wanted to do?
Rachel: Yes!
Ross: What thing?
Monica: Well, Rachel wants to take swing dance lessons. Which I think is a really stupid idea! It's dangerous, she's never gonna get what she wants, and who knows who she might (Turns to look at Ross) end up hurting.
Ross: Monica's right, swing dancing can be tricky. I'm gonna use the phone. I gotta cancel those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily. (Looks at the rose mulch.) My God, think of the massacre.
Rachel: I'm gonna do it.
Monica: All right, Rachel, I know-I know you think I'm crazy, please, before you tell him you love him, just-just try to find one person who thinks this is a good idea. Because I bet you, you can't.
Rachel: But I…
Monica: Please!
Rachel: All right, fine.
(There's a loud bang on the door.)
Monica: Joey, I'm in!
Joey: (In tremendous pain) All right. Good deal.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters.]
All: Pheebs! Hey Pheebs!
Joey: Uh, okay, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Joey: Umm, y'know how the other day you were talking about how you didn't get to go to London and how you were kinda feeling left out?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Joey: All right, well, we felt really bad about that so we decided we should all take a little trip together!
Phoebe: Ohh, that's so nice! How great! Well, where? Where's the trip?!
Monica: Well, we thought we would all go to a picnic (Phoebe gasps), in Central Park!
Phoebe: (excited) Central…(not so excited) Park!
Joey: Yeah, all of us! All day!
Phoebe: That sucks! That's not a trip! I just came from the park! What are we gonna high five about at the stupid Central Park? "Well, it's right by my house, all right!"
Chandler: Well, I'm gonna go home and bask in the triumph of my Central Park idea. (Gets up to leave.)
Rachel: (stopping him) Hey-whoa-whoa-whoa!! Ho-ho-hold on a sec there, Mr. Kissey! Y'know, I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole, little, new European thing you got going on, and I just need to tell you that it makes me very uncomfortable and I just—y'know—stop it!
Chandler: I was just trying to bring a little culture to the group.
Phoebe: That's fine, just don't bring it in my mouth.
Monica: Makes me wanna puke! (Chandler looks at her, quizzically.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, and Joey are there as Ross enters with Phoebe.]
Ross: Hey everybody, Pheebs is here!
Joey: Phoebe!
Chandler: Hey, Pheebs!
Rachel: Phoebe, woo!
Phoebe: Okay, woo! Hi.
Chandler: Okay, Pheebs, we decided the picnic idea was a little… Y'know, it didn't have any… It-it, well it blew. So, we thought, that this afternoon that we would all go away for the whole weekend to, Atlantic City!
Phoebe: Ooh, Atlantic City! Oh, that's a great plan! Who's plan was that?
Joey: Mine!
Ross: Wait! It was my plan.
Joey: Nooo, I said we needed a new plan.
Ross: And, I came up with Atlantic City.
Joey: Which, is the new plan!
Monica: Okay, well, why don't we all meet upstairs in an hour?
Phoebe: Okay! Ooh-ahh, I'm gonna go pack. I'm gonna go pack my ass off!
(They all go pack except for Ross.)
Monica: Come on Rach, let's go.
Rachel: Yeah, y'know what? I'm-I'm gonna meet you upstairs in a minute.
Monica: No! Rachel, you didn't find anyone so you can't tell him.
Rachel: Well, y'know what, that doesn't matter.
Monica: Okay, Rachel, do you have any idea how painful it is to tell someone that you love them and not have them say it back?
Rachel: Yeah, I-I don't care.
Monica: Okay. I-I can't watch. (Leaves as sits down to read the paper.)
Rachel: What 'cha readin'?
Ross: The paper.
Rachel: Yeah, what's it about?
Ross: Events from around the globe.
Rachel: Okay. Uhh, Ross, y'know what, there's something that I-that I have to talk to you about and everybody's saying that I shouldn't tell you, but I think they're wrong. I mean, and you know how people can be wrong.
Ross: Sure. Once, at work I-I thought carbon dating was fossilized…
Rachel: Okay, Ross, I'm really trying to tell you something here.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Go ahead.
Rachel: Umm, okay, I think I'm-I'm just gonna-just gonna say it. Just gonna say it. Uhh, (pause) I'm still in love with you Ross.
(Ross is stunned.)
Ross: Wow. Umm… Huh… I'm-I'm not sure what to do with that right now.
(Rachel starts laughing hysterically.)
Ross: What? What? Was that a joke? 'Cause it's mean.
Rachel: (Laughing) I'm so dead serious. I'm totally serious.
Ross: Why are you laughing?
Rachel: Because (laughs), because, I just heard it. I heard it, and it's ridiculous! I mean, you're married. You're-you're married and it's just ridiculous, and it's like, it's like when said it, I sort of like, I floated up out of my body, y'know? And, and-and then I heard myself say it and then the floating Rachel (laughs) was like, "You are such an idiot!"
Ross: Well, well I am married. Even though I haven't spoken to my wife since the wedding.
Rachel: (laughs) I'm sorry, that's not funny.
Ross: Actually, it kinda is. My wife won't return my calls. I don't know where my wife is. (Laughs) "Hey Ross, where's the Mrs.?" Don't know!
Rachel: Oh God, ohh, okay, y'know what, do you think ah, do you think that you just forget that I told you this?
Ross: Well, I kinda half to. I mean, because the thing is…
Rachel: The thing is y'know, that you're married to Emily.
Ross: That is what the thing is.
Rachel: Ross, things aren't gonna be weird between us, right? I mean was that just the stupidest thing, me telling you that?
Ross: No. No. No, I'm-I'm glad you did. Look, if nothing else, it's-it's always great when someone tells you they love you.
Rachel: That's what I said! Thank you for being so nice. (They hug.)
Ross: No thank you for… Thank you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is about ready to leave for Atlantic City.]
Ross: Okay, let's go!
Chandler: Atlantic City!
Phoebe: Atlantic City, baby! Let's roll some bones! Hey Joey, high-five for rolling bones!
(They high-five and howl, but Phoebe suddenly stops and the guys gasp and retreat in shock.)
Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you're leaking?
Monica: Oh my God! You're water broke!
The Guys: Ohh!
Phoebe: All right. Well, don't worry, I call shotgun! (She starts out the door.)
All: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait-wait!
Chandler: Pheebs! We have to take you to the hospital now!
Ross: Pheebs, Pheebs, the babies are coming now.
Rachel: High-five, the babies are coming! (They all high-five.)
Phoebe: Wait, wait, remember when my water broke? (They all high-five again.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, they are taking Phoebe to the hospital but Chandler and Monica hold back.]
Monica: I can't believe Phoebe's gonna have her babies!
Chandler: I know, it's beautiful. Amazing.
(They both kiss.)
Chandler: Y'know what else I can't believe? I had to kiss Phoebe and Rachel every time I left a room, I mean it's too bad they didn't see us having sex.
Monica: Do you know anything about women?
Chandler: No.
Monica: That's all right.
Chandler: Okay. (They kiss again.)
End
