Written by Diane Wilk
SECOND DRAFT July 19, 1993
Episode 1.5
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. SHEFFIELD LIVING ROOM – DAY
(GRACIE PLAYS WITH HER BARBIE DOLLS WHICH ARE SEATED IN A CIRCLE ON THE COFFEE
TABLE. FRAN ENTERS AND IS DRAWN OVER, CURIOUS)
GRACIE: (IN A MODULATED VOICE) We have to stop now, Barbie. Our time is up.
FRAN: What are you doing?
GRACIE: They’re in group therapy.
FRAN: What’s the matter with you? Play normal. Besides, if you straighten these
people out where’s the fun? (SITS NEXT TO GRACIE; SWITCHES DOLLS AROUND) Now,
Ken has had a thing with Barbie since before I was playing, so you never see
them together. In the Dream Car maybe. Never in the Dream House.
GRACIE: (CONSIDERS THIS) Unless there’s a party with other dolls around.
FRAN: There you go. That would never come out in therapy.
GRACIE: Barbie’s in denial.
FRAN: Of course. Look at her feet. That’s all from frustration. Never trust a
woman who can’t wear flats.
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
INT. SHEFFIELD LIVING ROOM – MORNING
(NILES ARRANGES FRESH CUT FLOWERS IN A VASE. FRAN ENTERS WEARING A BATHROBE,
HOLDING A CUP OF COFFEE)
FRAN: (SCREAMS UPSTAIRS) Kids, hurry up, the limo’s waiting!!
(NILES CRINGES)
FRAN: (CONT’D) I love saying that.
NILES: And I love hearing it.
(SFX: DOORBELL RINGS)
(NILES STARTS FOR THE DOOR)
FRAN: I’ll get it. Finish what you were doing.
NILES: I have finished.
FRAN: You’ll look again.
(NILES RE-EXAMINES HIS HANDIWORK. FRAN OPENS THE DOOR. IT’S C.C.)
FRAN: (CONT’D) Hiii, C.C.
(C.C. ENTERS)
C.C.: Hello, Miss Fine.
FRAN: Make yourself comfortable.
C.C.: (OFF FRAN’S ROBE) I see you have. (C.C. TAKES A SEAT ON THE COUCH)
FRAN: (SCREAMS UPSTAIRS) Mr. Sheffield! C.C.’s here!!
NILES: There goes the other ear.
FRAN: (WAGS A FINGER) Don’t start with me, Niles.
(MAGGIE AND GRACIE COME DOWNSTAIRS IN THEIR PRIVATE SCHOOL UNIFORMS)
FRAN: (CONT’D) Aren’t we gorgeous.
GRACIE: We wear the same thing everyday.
FRAN: Trust me. Men dream about these outfits.
(FRAN ADJUSTS THEIR CARDIGANS, SMOOTHS THE PLEATS ON THEIR SKIRTS, ETC. MAXWELL
COMES DOWNSTAIRS WITH BRIGHTON IN HIS TRACKS)
MAXWELL: Brighton cut himself shaving again.
FRAN: (TO BRIGHTON) What’s your hurry? Wait till you get some hair!
(FRAN MINISTERS TO BRIGHTON. MAXWELL OPENS HIS MAIL)
MAGGIE: (RUBBING HER TEMPLES) Daddy, I’ve got another headache.
MAXWELL: (CONCERNED) Oh no, Maggie…
FRAN: (TO MAGGIE) Let’s save this look for when you need a facelift.
(FRAN REMOVES THE BARRETTE HOLDING MAGGIE’S HAIR TIGHTLY BACK)
MAGGIE: Wow…? I feel the blood rushing back…
NILES: (TO MAXWELL) I’ll cancel the MRI.
(MAXWELL SHOOTS HIM A LOOK)
FRAN: Say good-bye to your father, kids.
(THE KIDS AND MAXWELL AD-LIB GOOD-BYES, KISSES, THEN DO THE SAME TO FRAN. EXCEPT
BRIGHTON)
BRIGHTON: I hate the limo. I get carsick.
FRAN: Take a cab in New York, you’ll get a heart attack. Don’t be so ungrateful.
Your father had to walk ten miles in the snow to his limo.
(AND THE KIDS ARE OUT)
MAXWELL: Ah, C.C., Sorry to keep you waiting. (HOLDS UP ENVELOPE) The contracts
arrived this morning.
C.C.: (POPS OPEN HER ATTACHE) I’ve got the limited partnership agreements as
well.
(MAXWELL AND C.C. SWAP DOCUMENTS, SIT DOWN AND STUDY THEM. FRAN SITS ON THE BACK
OF THE COUCH)
FRAN: Y’know, you should do a show with Cher. She’s pushing those hair products
now, you could probably get her for nothing. (BEAT) Did she do something to her
face? Her lips are not the same.
(C.C. ROLLS HER EYES. NILES BRINGS OVER COFFEE SERVICE, POURS MAXWELL A CUP)
MAXWELL: (SIPS; GRIMACES IN PAIN) Blasted tooth…
FRAN: Ohh? You need to see a dentist.
MAXWELL: Nonsense. I just… slept on it wrong.
FRAN: How do you sleep on a tooth?
MAXWELL: One can do many things when there’s quiet.
FRAN: Excuse me. What is it with the English and teeth?
MAXWELL: (RISES; TO C.C.) We’ll be late for the lawyers if we don’t step on it.
C.C.: (RISES) Yes, let’s get out of here.
FRAN: Wait, lemme fix your tie.
MAXWELL: No good? I thought I’d try a double Windsor knot. Churchill wore one.
FRAN: Was he hiding a goiter?
(FRAN CROSSES WITH MAXWELL TO A MIRROR AND PROCEEDS TO RETIE HIS TIE FOR HIM.
C.C. SITS BACK DOWN)
C.C.: Coffee, Niles.
NILES: No, thank you. I’m already speeding.
C.C.: For me.
(NILES POURS HER A CUP. C.C. WATCHES THE INTERACTION BETWEEN MAXWELL AND FRAN)
C.C.: (CONT’D) The domestic vignettes around here are enough to make you ill.
NILES: It seems to agree with Mr. Sheffield.
C.C.: He does seem happy again. I was so worried about him.
NILES: I’m sure you’ll rest easy now.
C.C.: (CONT’D) Does Nanny Fine ever give it a rest?
NILES: Only on her day off.
C.C.: That’s tomorrow, isn’t it? How will you manage?
(FRAN FOLLOWS MAXWELL BACK)
FRAN: Hold it, you got some schmutz.
(FRAN WETS A KLEENEX IN HER MOUTH AND WIPES SHAVING CREAM OFF HIS FACE)
C.C.: Did you just spit on that tissue and rub it on his face?
FRAN: I brushed.
(FRAN EXITS UPSTAIRS)
MAXWELL: (TO C.C.) There are things about Miss Fine you wouldn’t want to change.
Anyway, if you did, I doubt that you could. Shall we? (MAXWELL HEADS FOR THE
DOOR)
C.C.: Maxwell, tomorrow’s Saturday. Let’s go to the zoo!
MAXWELL: (STOPS) The zoo? C.C., what have I ever done to make you think I’d have
the slightest interest in that?
C.C.: It’s the nanny’s day off. It’ll be fun! We’ll be like one big, happy
family. You and I.
MAXWELL: And the children.
C.C.: Of course. You can’t always think of yourself.
MAXWELL: C.C., this is a side of you that’s rather unexpected. You want to spend
the day with them?
C.C.: Maxwell, I adore children. I don’t know why that should be so surprising.
It’s a natural thing. A female thing.
(C.C. SMILES CONFIDENTLY)
NILES: Some females eat their young.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
INT. SHEFFIELD DINING ROOM – NEXT MORNING
(THE FAMILY SITS AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE. FRAN ENTERS. IN LIEU OF A ROBE, SHE
WEARS AN ATTRACTIVE SUIT)
FRAN: Morning, everyone.
(KIDS AD-LIB G’MORNINGS)
MAXWELL: Your attire’s a welcome change of pace, Miss Fine.
FRAN: Pure linen. Bloomingdale’s after season sale. (REACTS OFF SUIT) Ugh, I
haven’t even left the house yet? It only looks crisp on the hanger. I’m not
hungry, Niles, I’ll just pick. (PICKS FOOD OFF SERVING TABLE WITH HER FINGERS)
Maggie, they got some gorgeous moules left over from summer. Naturally, it helps
if you wear a ten. Or a five.
(FRAN USES THE SERVING FORK AND PICKS OFF IT. NILES CAN’T LOOK)
FRAN: Why dirty a fork? I’m only thinking of you, you gotta clean it.
MAXWELL: Well, are we all excited about going to the zoo?
BRIGHTON: About as excited as you, Dad.
FRAN: Your father is thrilled to spend a day with his family.
MAGGIE: Since when is Miss Babcock part of our family?
MAXWELL: As long as she raises half the money for Daddy’s shows.
GRACIE: The zoo gives me major anxiety.
BRIGHTON: C’mon, Gracie. It’s not like the otters are going to… EAT YOU!
(GRACIE SCREAMS, BOLTS FROM THE TABLE AND GLOMS ONTO FRAN)
BRIGHTON: (CONT’D) I’d book two sessions next week, Dad.
GRACIE: I want to stay with Fran!
FRAN: Gracie, I have to go to a wedding. I’m a bridesmaid. I could scream too,
you should see the dress I’m wearing.
(NILES CROSSES TO MAXWELL WITH A PLATE OF TOAST. MAXWELL WAVES HIM AWAY)
SFX: DOORBELL RINGS
(NILES GOES TO ANSWER IT)
FRAN: (CONT’D) Not hungry, Mr. Sheffield?
MAXWELL: Full.
FRAN: Uh-huh. Lemme see you eat.
(MAXWELL PICKS UP BRIGHTON’S TOAST, BITES OFF A PIECE, SMILES)
FRAN: Chew.
MAXWELL: (DOES) Owwww…?!
FRAN: That’s it, no zoo for you. You’re seeing a dentist.
(BRIGHTON, MAGGIE AND GRACIE HIGH-FIVE “YES!”)
MAXWELL: Dentists don’t work on Saturday’s.
FRAN: Oh yeah? My Uncle Myron…
MAXWELL: How did I know?
FRAN: He’s built an entire practice on availability.
(NILES REENTERS WITH C.C., DRESSED IN A SAFARI ENSEMBLE COMPLETE WITH PITH
HELMET TIED ON WITH SCARF)
NILES: (OFF THE HELMET) Having a bad hair day?
C.C.: (IGNORES HIM) Good morning everyone! Ready for our outing?
MAXWELL: C.C…
C.C.: One second, Maxwell, you have some crumbs…
(SHE WIPES HIS MOUTH WITH A NAPKIN…)
MAXWELL: (IN AGONY) AAAAHHHH??!!!
NILES: Funny, I had the same reaction. But I internalized it.
(C.C.’S MORITFIED)
FRAN: It’s not you, C.C. (TO MAXWELL) I’m telling you. You could have an
abscess.
MAXWELL: Or something that sounds equally as good. C.C., we can’t go to the zoo.
I have to see Miss Fine’s Uncle Myron.
FRAN: (TO C.C.) He’s an excellent perio. If your gums bleed, there’s no where
else to turn.
MAXWELL: Especially on Saturday.
C.C.: Maxwell, you poor dear? I’ll drive you.
FRAN: No, we’ll take the limo.
C.C.: “We’ll?”
FRAN: he can drop me off. It’s on the way, C.C., you go to the zoo, the kids are
looking forward to it.
(THE KIDS GESTURE EMPHATICALLY: IXNAY!)
FRAN: (CONT’D) Be nice. Ms. Babcock got all dressed up for you.
C.C.: Actually, I’ve worn this for everyday.
FRAN: Right. (TO KIDS) Well, it’s a jungle out there.
(THE KIDS LOOK TO THEIR FATHER)
MAXWELL: You may be excused.
(THE KIDS DASH OUT OF THE ROOM)
MAXWELL: (CONT’D) Miss Fine.
FRAN: Yeah?
MAXWELL: You too.
FRAN: Oh. Why didn’t you say so? What am I Karnac?
(FRAN EXITS)
MAXWELL: C.C. I don’t know if this is such a good idea, taking the children by
yourself. They are a handful.
C.C.: I think I’m at least as capable as Nanny Fine.
MAXWELL: I know. It’s a female thing.
NILES: And you are a female thing.
(C.C. SHOOTS HIM A LOOK)
MAXWELL: Let’s be honest, children aren’t exactly your strong suit.
C.C.: Maxwell, you hurt me. Deeply. You do.
MAXWELL: I don’t mean to hurt you.
NILES: Allow me.
C.C.: I beg your pardon!
NILES: The dishes.
(NILES STARTS TO CLEAR THE TABLE)
MAXWELL: I really think I should let you off the hook.
C.C.: (STAMPS HER FOOT) I don’t want to be let off the hook!
NILES: She wants her hooks in.
C.C.: Would you let us talk? (TO MAXWELL) Admittedly, it would’ve been more
productive if you could’ve come along.
MAXWELL: Because it was supposed to be a family outing.
C.C.: That too. Maxwell, it’s time you stopped thinking of me as solely your
business partner, and more like a close… close… friend. I won’t let you
disappoint the children, and that’s final.
(FRAN REENTERS)
FRAN: I reached Uncle Myron on seventeenth hole. He’s got a cellular phone.
He’ll meet you at the office.
MAXWELL: (HOLDS HIS CHEEK) Maybe I should take an Advil first.
FRAN: You won’t feel a thing. He uses a humongus needle.
(MAXWELL PALES; EXITS)
FRAN: Men are such babies, aren’t they? The kids are ready for you. Keep Maggie
in sun block, with that complexion freckles are a sin. Gracie is terrified of
otters, go straight to seals, period. Now, Brighton will nag you for junk food.
Whatever you do, don’t give in. It’s murder getting’ vomit out of pith…
(C.C. TOUCHES HER PITH HELMET WITH ALARM; AND WE…)
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE THREE
INT. SHEFFIELD LIVING ROOM – LATER – SAME DAY
(NILES IS DUSTING. THE DOOR OPENS; BRIGHTON, MAGGIE AND GRACIE TRUDGE IN LOOKING
MISERABLE AND PLOP THEMSELVES ON THE COUCH, EXHAUSTED. C.C. ENTERS AFTER THEM, A
TOTAL WRECK)
NILES: If it isn’t “The African Queen.”
C.C.: (HANDS OVER HER PITH HELMET) Burn this, would you.
NILES: (GETS A WHIFF) New perfume?
C.C.: Yes. (GLARING AT BRIGHTON) Eau de corn dog, cotton candy, chili fries and
a Slurpee. (TO NILES) Where’s Maxwell?
NILES: Upstairs recuperating from the “Tooth Fairy.” How was the zoo?
C.C.: Glorious! I had no idea how many marsupials there were! Perhaps if there
wasn’t such a PUNGENT aroma in the marsupial house, one could linger longer
before passing out!
GRACIE: (TO BRIGHTON AND MAGGIE) I think she’s having a nervous breakdown.
C.C.: I am not! (ASIDE) Niles, bring me a Valium.
NILES: We don’t keep drugs in the house.
C.C.: What is this Red China?!
NILES: The children.
C.C.: The children! (CROSSES TO THEM) Well, what shall we do now? Shoot
ourselves?
BRIGHTON: (TO MAGGIE) She’s wacko.
C.C.: Oh, we’re feeling better, aren’t we!
MAGGIE: (TO BRIGHTON) Shoot her.
C.C.: Maggie, coming out of your shell? Was it the solid hour at the tortoise
PIT that did it?
MAGGIE: Gracie wanted to watch them eat the lettuce.
C.C.: (GLARING AT GRACIE) She just didn’t want to walk past the OTTERS! Can I
help it if the dratted tram broke down??!!
GRACIE: Fran never yells at us.
C.C.: If I hear the “F” word one more time…
BRIGHTON: You mean FRAN?
C.C.: You’re like broken records! All day long, Fran, Fran, Fran!
MAGGIE: Fran enjoys spending time with us.
C.C.: (TURNS ON THEM) Let me tell you something about your beloved nanny! She
gets paid to spend time with you! She doesn’t do it out of her own free will!!
GRACIE: That’s not true!!
(GRACIE RUNS UPSTAIRS. MAGGIE GOES AFTER HER. C.C.REACTS. NILES DUSTS PAST)
NILES: To quote Miss Fine: “Oy.”
(NILES EXITS)
C.C.: What did I say?
(C.C. LOOKS UPSTAIRS APPREHENSIVELY)
BRIGHTON: Y’know, Miss Babcock, we’re a lot alike. We both blurt out things that
are potentially hurtful and damaging. The difference is… I can be bought.
(BRIGHTON HOLDS OUT HIS PALM. C.C. GREASES IT WITH A TWENTY…)
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE FOUR
INT. SYLVIA’S LIVING ROOM – LATER – EVENING
(SYLVIA, WEARING A GOWN UNZIPPED IN THE BACK, APPLIES NAIL POLISH TO A RUN IN
HER PANTY HOSE. FRAN ENTERS WEARING A STUPID BRIDESMAID GOWN WITH PUFF SLEEVES
AND A BOW AROUND THE WAIST. THE SCENE IS PLAYED IN DOUBLE-TIME – RUSHING TO GET
READY)
FRAN: Look at me. I look like Pat Boone’s mistress. (CROSSES TO MIRROR) What,
God forbid I should outshine the bride? Is it my fault she’s a size fourteen?
Did I put the doughnuts in her mouth? Ma, you’re supposed to use clear. That
looks like somebody bit you.
SYLVIA: I should be so lucky. Zip me up.
(FRAN STRUGGLES TO ZIP SYLVIA’S DRESS)
SYLVIA: (CONT’D) Too tight?
FRAN: (OFF THE CIRSS-CROSSED SPAGHETTI STRAPS) I don’t know about those straps.
Your back looks like a ham.
SYLVIA: The salesgirl said I looked like a dream!
FRAN: Yeah, Oscar Meyers.
SYLVIA: (PUTS ON LIPSTICK) She should choke on her commission.
FRAN: (STUFFS HER EVENING BAG) What are these mints? (TAKES THEM OUT; LOOKS AT
SYLVIA) Mothballs.
SYLVIA: (LOOKS AT HER WATCH) How did it get to be six o’clock?!
FRAN: (PANICS) You give yourself three hours! Where does the time go?!
SYLVIA: Comb your father’s hair.
(FRAN GETS A HEAD FORM WITH A TOUPEE ON IT OUT OF THE CLOSET ALONG WITH A COMB
AND SOME GLUE)
SYLVIA: (CONT’D) (CALLS OUT) Morty, we’re leaving without you!!
FRAN: Save your breath. It’s the ninth inning.
SYLVIA: Part it on the right. For some reason it stays in the wind.
FRAN: On the left is better. One eye is smaller.
SYLVIA: Where are my shoes?!
FRAN: On the coffee table. I found them in the refrigerator. If you bought
leather your feet wouldn’t sweat.
SYLVIA: I needed lemon colored shoes like a hole in the head. (PUTS THEM ON) Oy,
they’re like rocks? (INDICATES TOUPEE) Take that into your father before the
glue dries.
FRAN: Too late.
(FRAN EXITS TRYING TO PULL OFF THE TOUPEE STUCK TO HAND)
(SFX: DOORBELL RINGS)
SYLVIA: Who the hell is that?
(SYLVIA OPENS THE DOOR REVEALING…)
SYLVIA: (CONT’D) Gracie?
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
INT. SYLVIA’S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS ACTION
(SYLVIA PULLS GRACIE INSIDE)
SYLVIA: Come in, sweetheart, sit down…
(FRAN REENTERS)
GRACIE: Hi, Fran.
FRAN: Gracie, what are you doing here?
GRACIE: Just visiting.
SYLVIA: She’s all alone!
FRAN: What?! What happened to C.C.?
GRACIE: She’s fine. I called the limo service.
SYLVIA: What if they got a flat? A child like that, by herself, it’s pitch dark!
FRAN: Omigod, does anyone know where you are?
(GRACIE SHAKES HER HEAD “NO”)
SYLVIA: They found a little girl in Rego Park. Not all of her.
FRAN: Ma, you’re scaring me. Would you stop?
(SYLVIA FLOPS IN A CHAIR; FANNING HERSELF)
SYLVIA: Speak amongst yourselves. I’m getting palpitations…
FRAN: Gracie, you can’t just hire a limo and go traipsing around the city it’s
not safe.
GRACIE: It’s not?
FRAN: (TO SYLVIA) These people are so sheltered!
GRACIE: (SHRUGS) I miss you.
FRAN: Oh honey,, I miss you too. And I bet I’m not the only one. I’m calling
your father right now, okay?
SYLVIA: Call him! You’re asking a six old’s permission.
(FRAN GLARES AT SYLVIA)
GRACIE: (RESIGNED) Okay.
(FRAN GIVES GRACIE A HUG, HEADS TO THE PHONE)
SYLVIA: (SOTTO) You could get fired for this.
FRAN: (SOTTO) It’s my day off! What did I do?
SYLVIA: (SOTTO) She’s too emotionally attached to you.
FRAN: (SOTTO) Louder. This kid’s toys are in therapy.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE TWO
INT. SHEFFIELD LIBRARY/SYLVIA’S LIVING ROOM – MOMENTARILY
(NILES POURS TEA FOR C.C. AND MAXWELL)
C.C.: I wish you could’ve been there, Maxwell, the children and I had a
marvelous time! Oh, Brighton was his usual self, but I’m not easily offended.
NILES: Ms. Babcock’s famous for “taking it” lying down.
(C.C. SHOOTS HIM A LOOK. MAXWELL IS SLAPPING HIS JAW)
C.C.: Darling, why are you slapping yourself?
MAXWELL: Uncle Myron gave me enough Nova Caine to bring down an elephant. then
he went on about his son, Hymie, who took ten years of tap. I kept begging to be
gassed.
(SFX: PHONE RINGS)
NILES: (ANSWERS IT) Sheffield residence. (TO MAXWELL) It’s Miss Fine, sir.
MAXWELL: (TAKES THE CALL) Hello, Miss Fine…
INTER CUT: (OR) SPLIT-SCREEN: SYLVIA’S LIVING ROOM
(GRACIE STANDS NEXT TO FRAN, SYLVIA SCRUTINIZES HER)
SYLVIA: She’s so skinny! Don’t you feed this child?
(FRAN GESTURES FOR SYLVIA TO SHUT UP)
FRAN: How are you, Mr. Sheffield, everything all right?
MAXWELL: Everything’s splendid! C.C. and the children had a wonderful time.
(C.C. BASKS IN THE GLORY)
MAXWELL: (CONT’D) It’s nice of you to call, but really it wasn’t necessary.
FRAN: Oh yeah? Say hello, Gracie.
GRACIE: (INTO PHONE) Hello.
MAXWELL: (REACTS; LOOKS AT C.C.) Gracie’s there? With you?
C.C.: (CONSIDERS THIS) That’s not possible. I’m sure she came home with us.
MAXWELL: Don’t you know?! C.C. she was in your care!
C.C.: (DEFENSIVELY) She could’ve sneaked out without me seeing her! She is very
small!
MAXWELL: (INTO PHONE) I’m leaving right now.
FRAN: So are we. You’ll have to pick her up at the wedding. Leonard’s on Cassena
Blvd… Ask for the Mishkin party.
END INTER CUT: (OR) SPLIT SCREEN: INT. SYLVIA’S LIVING ROOM
(FRAN HANGS UP THE PHONE)
GRACIE: (EXCITED) I’m coming with you?
FRAN: Stick with me. You’ll eat, you’ll dance…
(THE WOMEN PUT ON THEIR COATS; FRAN’S IN A LEOPARD-SPOTTED FAKE FUR, SYLVIA’S
WAS ONCE A MINK JACKET THAT’S BEEN EXTENDED TO FULL LENGTH WITH LEATHER PANEL
INSERTS; AND HEAD FOR THE DOOR)
SYLVIA: (CALLS OUT) Morty!!! (TO FRAN) One day I’ll burst a lung.
FRAN: I’ll pull the car around.
GRACIE: We’ve got a perfectly good limo right here.
(FRAN AND SYLVIA EXCHANGE GLANCES)
FRAN: (TO GRACIE) After you.
(THEY EXIT; AND WE…)
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE THREE
EXT. LEONARD’S BALLROOM AND CATERING – NIGHT – (EST)
(A BAND PLAYS THE OLD FAVORITES. THE DANCE FLOOR IS PACKED. AT TABLES GUESTS
STUFF THEIR FACES AND SCHMOOZE. GRACIE HAS THE TIME OF HER LIFE AT A TABLE
FILLED WITH KIDS. SYLVIA’S TABLE IS EMPTY UNTIL FRAN JOINS HER)
FRAN: Where’s daddy?
SYLVIA: They got ESPN at the bar. That’s why everyone’s dancing and I sit alone
like a dog. Why aren’t you with the wedding party?
FRAN: Look at them. I feel like I’m part of the King family.
SYLVIA: (INDICATES HER PLATE) Chicken. For this I gave a fifty dollar check. I
should’ve bought a bond. Let them wait.
FRAN: Ma, don’t look now. Aunt Pola’s wearing your dress.
SYLVIA: (WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT) That’s the copy.
(MAXWELL AND C.C. WANDER IN, TOTALLY OUT OF THEIR ELEMENT)
FRAN: (CONT’D) (WAVES) Mr. Sheffield, over here.
SYLVIA: Who’s the blonde?
FRAN: That’s C.C. his business associate.
SYLVIA: Uh-huh, so that’s what they call ‘em nowadays.
FRAN: She wishes.
(MAXWELL AND C.C. ARRIVE AT THE TABLE)
FRAN: (CONT’D) Mr. Sheffield, you remember my mother.
MAXWELL: Sylvia. Charmed.
SYLVIA: Makes two of us. (TO C.C.) Sylvia Fine.
C.C.: C.C. Babcock. How do you do.
(THEY SHAKE HANDS)
SYLVIA: (ASIDE TO FRAN) Like a fish.
MAXWELL: Miss Fine, I hope Gracie wasn’t too much trouble…
SYLVIA: Ah, she’s having a ball!
FRAN: (INDICATES) She’s the hit of the cousins table.
C.C.: I had to come. I couldn’t imagine what drove her… (LOOKS AROUND) to this.
FRAN: The more the merrier.
SYLVIA: Excuse me. (TO FRAN) I’ve got to bring Morty a plate. (MUTILATES FOOD)
No skin… Oy, so much butter…
FRAN: She’s got to de-flavorize it first.
SYLVIA: Better he should drop dead on me.
(SYLVIA LEAVES. A LITTLE BOY PASSES BY THE TABLE, FRAN INTERCEPTS HIM)
FRAN: (CONT’D) Jeffrey, go get Gracie.
MUSIC CUE: HORA
(THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARE DANCED ON CHAIRS)
MAXWELL: (FASCINATED) Why are they being carried on chairs?
FRAN: They want to see who showed up. So anyway, no harm was done. She missed
me. Isn’t that cute? Your limo service should be strung up. They take a call
from a child?
(UNCLE MYRON, A GENIAL FELLA, CROSSES WITH A BALD GUY IN TOW)
UNCLE MYRON: (TO MAXWELL) Sheffield, I thought it was you.
MAXWELL: Ah, Uncle Myron. The Sweeney Todd of dentistry.
FRAN: I forgot! How’s your tooth? (TO UNCLE MYRON; WAGS A FINGER) I want a
kickback.
UNCLE MYRON: (TO MAXWELL) You mind? I just want Leo to take a look. Open please
(MAXWELL REALIZES WHAT HE MEANS, OPENS HIS MOUTH. C.C. LOOKS ON AGHAST. UNCLE
MYRON SHOWS BALD GUY)
UNCLE MYRON: (CONT’D) Beautiful, huh? You should’ve seen it before I went in.
(TO MAXWELL) Close. Thank you. (NOTICES C.C.) Hey, who’s this cookie?
FRAN: Go back to Ceil.
(UNCLE MYRON KNOWS HE’S WORN OUT HIS WELCOME, TAKES BALD GUY WITH HIM)
FRAN: (CONT’D) He thinks he’s an artist. You know how it is.
(GRACIE CROSSES, HANGING HER HEAD)
GRACIE: Hi, Daddy.
MAXWELL: (HUGS HER) Gracie, don’t ever do this again.
C.C.: Dear, you had us worried sick.
FRAN: You have to go now. Your father’s here.
GRACIE: I don’t want to leave yet.
MAXWELL: It’s Miss Fine’s day off. You mustn’t intrude.
GRACIE: Then it’s true.
MAXWELL: What’s true?
GRACIE: Fran only spends time with me because you pay her to. And she wouldn’t
if she had any free will.
FRAN: Who fills her head with that nonsense? (REALIZES) Oy.
C.C.: (FLIMSILY) I meant it in the nicest possible way.
MAXWELL: C.C., what on earth possessed you?
(UNCLE MYRON RETURNS, WITH HIS SON, HYMIE, A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD JOEL GRAY)
UNCLE MYRON: I’m interrupting? Sheffield, this is my son, Hymie.
MAXWELL: Myron, this is not the time…
UNCLE MYRON: A minute. A minute of your life…
FRAN: Get outta here, Myron? I’m never sending anyone to you…
UNCLE MYRON: (TO HYMIE) Hit it –
HYMIE: (SINGS FROM “PIPPIN”) “Everything has it’s sea-son, everything has it’s
time. – Show me a rea-son, and I’ll soon, show you a rhyme…!”
UNCLE MYRON: (TO HYMIE) Dance –
(HYMIE STARTS TAP DANCING)
C.C.: I think he shows talent…
MAXWELL: C.C.?!
UNCLE MYRON: (TO C.C.) We’ll talk later. (TO MAXWELL) He’s the next Ben Vereen!
(AND UNCLE MYRON & SON ARE GONE)
FRAN: It’s in the genes. His brother’s a cantor. (TO GRACIE) Come here, honey…
MAXWELL: I’ll handle this, Miss Fine. (FORTHRIGHTLY) Gracie, it’s true. Miss
Fine does earn a salary for taking care of you. She’s a nanny. That’s her job
definition. I’m sure she enjoys the work or she wouldn’t be very good at it, and
mind you, then I’d fire her on the spot…
(GRACIE’S MOUTH CURLS INTO A POUT, HER EYES WELL WITH TEARS)
MAXWELL: (CONT’D) (TO FRAN) Why is she crying?
FRAN: Because that was so moving. Gracie…
(GRACIE COMES OVER)
FRAN: (CONT’D) (HOLDS HER) Your father’s right. It’s all true. But that
shouldn’t affect us. I have to make a living somehow. Now I could make a living
devoting myself to you, which is my pleasure, or, I could find some other way.
What, I’m gonna work in a bank? When I get to spend time with you, and pay my
bills, I mean, it’s ridiculous how privileged I am.
GRACIE: (SMILES) We’ve had some good times, haven’t we.
FRAN: This is not the place to discuss it. Does everyone need to know?
(THEY HUG EACH OTHER. MAXWELL SMILES. C.C. LOOKS ON “HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?”)
MUSIC CUE: “SUNRISE, SUNSET” (OR THE EQUIVALENT)
FRAN: (CONT’D) (TO MAXWELL) Why don’t you ask your daughter to dance?
(MAXWELL HOLDS HIS HAND OUT TO GRACIE AND TAKES HER ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR)
C.C.: (SNARLS) Oh, you’re good… (THEN; SELF-RECRIMINATING) And I’m terrible…
just terrible…
FRAN: C.C., you shouldn’t put this kind of pressure on yourself. Have some wine…
(FRAN SLIDES OVER A GLASS OF WINE. C.C. TAKES A SIP, REACTS LIKE SHE SUCKED ON A
LEMON)
FRAN: (CONT’D) Manechievitz. An acquired taste, it takes centuries. C.C., you’re
a beautiful woman, you’re good at so many things, you…? You…? What do you do?
(GOES PAST IT) This is just my area. It’s no reflection on you.
(C.C. SMILES, WEAKLY. SYLVIA RETURNS TO THE TABLE)
SYLVIA: C.C., someone wants to talk to you.
C.C.: Who?
SYLVIA: (GESTURES) Over there.
(C.C. WANDERS AWAY LOOKING)
SYLVIA: (CONT’D) Where’s Sheffield?
(FRAN INDICATES TO MAXWELL AND GRACIE DANCING. GRACIE’S STANDING ON HER FATHER’S
SHOES)
FRAN: (KVELLS) Isn’t that adorable? Couldn’t you just die?
SYLVIA: Go cut in.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
FADE IN:
INT. WEDDING RECEPTION – LATER
(AT THE TABLE, SYLVIA, HORDING FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS, DISPATCHES GRACIE)
SYLVIA: (POINTS) They’re leaving! Go! Grab that centerpiece!
(C.C. DANCES WITH UNCLE MYRON)
UNCLE MYRON: We knew Hymie had it when he was a baby. He held his bottle like a
hand mike.
(C.C. SMILES, WEARILY)
UNCLE MYRON: (CONT’D) You got a beautiful smile. Who did it?
(FRAN AND MAXWELL ARE ALSO DANCING)
MAXWELL: That was a lovely sentiment, Miss Fine.
FRAN: Oh? Which one, I can’t keep track.
MAXWELL: What you said to Gracie.
FRAN: I meant every word. I love every second of this job. Even when I’m not
getting time and a half, like I am in this case.
(MAXWELL REACTS)
FRAN: (CONT’D) I worked on my day off. That’s how dedicated I am!
THE END
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