Original Airdate (NBC): 24/MAR/2005
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TRANSCRIPT:
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Guest star: Melora Hardin (Jan Levinson-Gould), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Oscar Nunez (Oscar),David Denman (Roy), Brian Baumgartner (Kevin), Leslie David Baker (Stanley)
OPENING CREDITS (With that awesome Jay Ferguson music)
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: Alright Jim, your quarterlies look very good. How are things going at the, uh, library?
Jim: Oh, I told you, I couldn't close it, so...
Michael: So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying grasshopper?
Jim: Uhh, actually you called ME in here. But yeah...
Michael: Alright, well let me show you how it's done.
(On Phone)
Michael: Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager please. Yes, hello! This is Michael Scott, I am the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. I just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manager...
CUT TO SHOT OF THE OFFICE, CUT BACK TO MICHAEL ON PHONE
Michael: Alright, done deal! Thank you very much sir, you're a gentleman and a scholar. (Pauses and listens) Oh, I'm sorry, O-kay, I'm sorry, my mistake. (Clears throat) That was a woman I was talking to. She had a very low voice, probably a smoker. So...(clears throat) So that's the way it's done.
CUT TO MICHAEL AT ENTRANCE TO OFFICE
Michael: I've, uh, been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as regional manager. Ah, if you want to come through here (opens door to office area). See, we have the entire floor, so this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. Ah, this is our receptionist Pam. PAM. (Hits desk) PAM! PAM! Pam Beasley. Ah, Pam has been with us for, um, forever. Right Pam?
Pam: Well, I don't know.
Michael: If you thinks she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago (makes a growling sound)
Pam: What?
Michael: Ah, any messages?
Pam: Um, yeah, just a fax.
Michael: Oh, okay this is from corporate..
Pam: I know I...
Michael: ...how many times have I told you that there's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate?
Pam: You haven't told me...
Michael: It's called the waste paper basket! (Crumbles up fax and tosses it. Slaps desk and laughs heartily) (Point at Pam) Look at that! Gah, ohh, look at that face!
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: People say I am the best boss. They go, "God, we've never worked in a place like this before, you're hilarious. And, you get the best out of us." Um, (picks up mug that says WORLD'S BEST BOSS) I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.
CUT TO DWIGHT UNLOCKING HIS DESK AND PULLING OUT THE HANDSET
(Jim watches as Dwight opens his desk)
Dwight: (Singing to self) ...shall I play for you pa rum pum pum pum, (Mimics heavy drumming and plugs handset into reciever) ...I've no gifts for you, pa rum pum pum pum (Mimics heavy drumming again, annoyingly)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: My job is to speak to clients, um, on the phone about, uhh, quantities and uh, type of copier paper. You know, uh, whether we can supply it to them, whether they can, uh, pay for it and, um, (clicks tongue, laughs) I'm boring myself just talking about this.
CUT TO SHOT OF JIM AND DWIGHT AT THEIR DESKS
(Michael comes out of his office behind Jim)
Michael: WAASSSSSAAAAAP! (startles Jim)
Jim: Waaassup.
(Michael laughs)
Jim: I still love that after 7 years.
Michael: WAAAAASSSSAAAAAAAPP!
Dwight: WAAAAASSSSSSAAAAAP!
Michael: WAAAAAAAAAAASSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!
Dwight: Wassap.
(Michael stretches, awkward silence ensues)
Michael: (Looks at Jim) What?
Jim: Nothing.
Michael: Okay. Alright. See you lata.
Jim: Alright. Take care.
Michael: Back to work!
CUT TO SHOTS OF THE OFFICE
CUT TO JAN WALKING INTO THE OFFICE TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE
Jan: ...just try to reach me sometime today, um, I don't know just before lunch, that would be great. (walks to reception) Okay?
Michael(VO): Corporate doesn't really doesn't interfere with me at all. Um, Jan Levitson-Gould...
(Michael enters the reception area)
Michael: Jaan, hello!
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT MICHAEL
Michael: I call her Hillary Rodham-Clinton. Right? Not to her face because, uh, well not because I'm scared of her. (pauses) 'Cause I'm not. But, um, yeah.
CUT TO MEETING BETWEEN JAN AND Michael, PAM SITTING NEARBY
Jan: Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?
Michael: Mmmmmmm, me no get an agenda.
Jan: I'm sor-, what, I'm sorry?
Michael: I didn't get any agenda.
Jan: Well I faxed one over to you this morning.
Michael: Really? 'Cause I didn't, uh, I didn't, uh (turns to Pam) Did we get a fax this morning?
Pam: Ah, yeah, the one...
Michael: Then, wh-, why, why isn't it in my hand? (turns to Jan) Because a company runs on efficiency of communication, right? (mimics shooting Pam) Um, so what's the problem Pam, why didn't, uh, why didn't I get it?
Pam: You put it in the, garbage can that was a special filing cabinet.
(Silence)
Michael: Gyah, uh, that was a joke. That was a joke that, uh, was actually my brother's, and it was (laughs) it was supposed to be with bills. And it doesn't work great with faxes.
Jan: Do you want to look at mine?
Michael: Yep, yep, I would, thank you.
Jan: Okay, since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided that we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch.
Michael: Oh, okay.
Jan: Now Michael, don't panic.
Michael: No no, no no no no, this is good, this is good, this is fine.
(Michael and Jan talking at the same time)
Jan: Michael, no no no, Michael listen, don't panic. We haven't made any, we haven't made any decisions yet. I've spoken to Josh in Stamford, I've told him the same as you.
Michael: Although alarm bells are kinda going, ringy dingy dingy. (laughs) Okay.
Jan: And it's either you or him to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other.
Michael: Okay, no problem.
Jan: This does however mean that there's going to be downsizing.
Michael: Me no want to hear that Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men, or women, present company excluded (hits Jan's knee with memo). Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himSELF, but is he concerned about downsizing?
Jan: Well..
CUT TO SHOT OF OFFICE
(Dwight sneaks up behind Jim and taps him on the opposite shoulder, Jim looks, Dwight laughs loudly)
CUT BACK TO MEETING
Michael: Question, how long do we have to ac- (gets cut off by phone, looks at phone) Oh, uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep, do you mind if I take it?
Jan: Go right ahead.
(Turns on speaker phone)
Michael: Pac man!
Todd: Hey you big queen.
Michael: Oh, that's not, uh, appropriate.
Todd: Hey, is ol', uh, Godzillary coming in today?
Michael: (uncomfortable) Um, I don't know, I don't what you mean.
Todd: Look, I've been meaning to asker her one, uh, question. Does, the carpet, match the drapes?
Michael: Oh, my, God. (Turns off phone) Ohhh. That'sssss, horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.
Jan: So do you think we can keep...a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily.
Michael: No. Absolutely, under this regime, it will not leave this office, just like that (pretends to zip lips)
CUT TO OFFICE
(Phyllis whispering to Stanley)
Phyllis: So what does downsizing actually mean?
Stanley: Well...
CUT TO BREAKROOM
(Oscar is whispering to Phyllis and Stanley)
Oscar: You guys gotta update your resumes, just like I'm doing.
CUT TO ANGELA TALKING TO KEVIN
Angela: I bet it's going to be me. Probably, going to me.
Kevin: Yeah, it'll be you.
CUT TO RECEPTION DESK
(Pam talking to Jim)
Pam: I've a very important question for you.
Jim: Yes.
Pam: (Trying not to laugh) Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday? (Starts laughing)
Jim: (laughs) Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous.
Michael(VO): Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that.
CUT TO Michael AT HIS DESK
Michael: As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Pam is talking to Ryan, Michael enters)
Michael: Hey!
Ryan: Hey.
Pam: This is Mr. Scott
Michael: Guilty, guilty as charged.
(Shakes hands)
Ryan: Ryan, uh, Howard, from the temp agency.
Michael: Uh huh.
Ryan: Daniqua sent me down to start today?
Michael: Howard? Like Moe Howard, three stooges. Watch this, this is Moe, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, meeeeee! (laughs) Ah, right here, three stooges. High five.(holds his hand up for a high five, Ryan obliges) Oh Pam, it's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this, here we go (grabs Pam's nameplate and places it below his nose) (starts marching shouting nonsense German, laughs) I'm Hitler!
Adolph Hitler. (continues impression)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then, I might...I just, I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. Um, I like to do illustrations. Um, mostly watercolor. (CUT TO PAM "PAINTING" A MEMO WITH WHITE OUT AND BLOWING IT DRY) A few oil pencil, um, Jim thinks they're good.
CUT BACK TO PAM AT THE RECEPTION DESK
Pam: Dunder Mifflin this is Pam.
CUT TO JIM'S DESK
Jim: (Dwight is pushing papers onto Jim's desk with a ruler) Sure, ah, Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up, two minutes, thank you very much. Dwight what are you doing?
Dwight: What?
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: Just clearing my desk, I can't concentrate.
Jim: It's not on your desk.
Dwight: It's overlapping, it's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables, Demarcation.
CUT TO JIM STANDING PENCILS UPRIGHT ALL AROUND HIS DESK
(Dwight sits down)
Dwight: You can't do that.
Jim: Why not?
Dwight: Safety violation, I could fall and pierce...an organ.
Jim: (Jim crosses fingers) We'll see.
(Dwight takes his phone receiver and starts smashing all the pencils)
Jim: (To camera) See this is why the downsizing thing just doesn't bother me.
Dwight: (Alarmed) Downsizing?
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I've been recommending downsizing since I first got here, I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
CUT TO RECEPTION
Pam: (talking to Michael) You just, still have these messages from yesterday.
Michael: Relax, everything's under control (sifting through messages) Oh, yep, ah yep, yeah, yeah, oh that's important. Riiight, oh, this is so important I should run to answer it. (mimics Steve Austin, making the Six-Million Dollar Man sound effects the entire way, CUT TO PAM, she puts her head down and grabs her forehead with her hand, CUT BACK TO Michael, looks back)
Pam: What?
Michael: (laughs) Come on, Six Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually that would be a good salary for me, don't ya think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan- I deserve a raise.
Pam: (quietly) Umm hmm, don't we all.
Michael: I'm sorry?
Pam: Oh, nothing.
Michael: If you're, ah, unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. Okay? Not today, okay? Pam just, be professional. (walks back to office)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF Michael
Michael: I think I'm a role model here, I think I garner people's respect.
CUT TO Michael WALKING THROUGH THE OFFICE
Michael: Attention all Dunder Mifflin employeeeees, pleeeese, we have a, meeting in the conference room, ASAP.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: People I respect, heroes would be, Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono, (thinks), ah, and probably God, would be the fourth one. And I g-, I just think those people really, uh, helped, the world, in so many ways. That it's, um, it's really beyond words. It's really incalculcable (not a mistype).
CUT TO MEETING IN CONFERENCE ROOM
Michael: Now I know there's rumors out there, and I just kind of want to set the record str- (gets cut off by Dwight)
Dwight: Unh, unh, unh, unh, I'm assistant regional manager, I should know first.
Michael: Assistant TO the regional manager.
Dwight: Yeah but, ah, okay. Um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly..
Michael: Well I'm a about to, ah..
Dwight: Can you just whisper it in my ear?
Michael: I'm just about to tell everyone.
Dwight: Please?
(someone offscreen, I think it's Oscar)
Worker(OS): Hey, can you just tell us...
Dwight: (to worker) Please! Okay? (to Michael) Do you want me to tell 'em?
Michael: Ah, you don't know what it is. (laughs) So, ah..
Dwight: Okay you tell 'em. With my permission.
Michael: I don't need your permi-
Dwight: Permission granted. Go ahead.
Michael: Corporate has, ah, deemed it appropriate to, enforce an ultimatum upon me. And, uh, Jan, is thinking about downsizing either the Stanford branch or this branch.
CUT TO RYAN IN THE OFFICE
Ryan: (talking on phone) I heard they might be closing this branch down. It's just, ah, just a rumor going around, this is my first day, I don't really know.
CUT BACK TO MEETING IN CONFERENCE ROOM
Oscar: Yeah, but Michael, what if they downsize here?
Michael: Not gonna happen.
Stanley: Could be out of your hands Michael.
Michael: It won't be out of my hands Stanley, okay? I promise you that.
Stanley: Oh, can you promise that?
Dwight: On his mother's grave.
Michael: No, what? (laughs) No. Well, yeah, it is a promise, and frankly, I'm a little bit insulted that you have to keep asking about it.
Stanley: It's just that we need to know.
Michael: I, I know, I...hold on a second, I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam? You, ah, had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then.
Pam: I was in the meeting with Jan, and, she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe.
Worker: Are you sure about that?
(Everyone starts talking at once)
Michael: Pam, um, maybe you should stick to the, the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.
Dwight: Ah, yeah Pam, information is power.
Stanley: So you can't say for sure whether it's going to be us or them, can you?
Michael: No, no, No, Stanley, no, you did not see me in there with her. I said if, ah, if corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're going to have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and, uh, you ain't gonna be messin' wit' my chilun'.
(Stanley just looks deadpan at Michael, then shakes head)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: If I left, what would I do with, all this useless information in my head you know? Tonnage price of manilla folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt? Which is mixed berry.
CUT TO SHOT OF JIM GLANCING AT PAM WHILE SHE'S EATING YOGURT
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: Jim said mixed berries? Oh, wow, yeah, he's on to me, um, (laughs)
CUT TO Michael GIVING RYAN A TOUR OF THE OFFICE
(Ryan shakes Jim's hand)
Michael: (Puts his hands on Dwight's shoulders) Oh, watch out for this guy, Dwight Shrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp.
Dwight: What's up?
Ryan: Nice to meet you.(Holds out hand)
Michael: Introduce yourself, be polite.
Dwight: (Shakes Ryan's hand) Uh, Dwight Shrute, assistant regional manager.
Michael: Assistant TO the regional manager.
Dwight: (quietly) Assistant to the regional manager.
Michael: So, uh, Dwight, tell him about the kung-fu and the, ah, car and everything.
Dwight: Uh, yeah, I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for twelve hundred, fixed it up, it's now worth three grand.
Michael: That is his profit.
Dwight: New engine, suspension, I got it re-sprayed, I got some photos. (opens desk drawer) OHHHH, DAMMIT..JIM! (pounds desk)
Michael: Okay, hold on, hold on. Judge is in session. What is the problem here?
(Dwight takes out a large yellow jello mold with a stapler inside)
Dwight: He put my stuff in jello again.
(Pam starts laughing)
Dwight: That's real professional, thanks. This is the third time, and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim..
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: It's okay here. Ah, but people sometimes take advantage, 'cause it's so relaxed. I'm a, volunteer sheriff's deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. It's sort of one of the rules.
CUT BACK TO THE JELLO INCIDENT
Michael: (pointing to the jello and laughing) What is that?
Dwight: It's my stapler (digs into the jello)
Michael: NO, no, no, no. Do not take it out, you have to eat out of there. Because there are starving (laughs) people in the world, (to camera) which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.
Dwight: Okay, you know what? (points to Ryan) You can be a witness, (to Michael) can you reprimand him please?
Jim: (eating a jello cup) How do you know it was me?
Dwight: It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?
Michael: Oh, discipline, kinky! (laughs) Alright, here's the deal you guys, the thing about a practical joke, is that you have to know when to start as well as when to stop. And yeah, Jim, now is a time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into jello.
Jim: (clears throat and nods head) Okay, Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.
Michael: (starts laughing) Oh ho ho, nice. (to Ryan) That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round and round.
Ryan: You, ah, you should have put him in custardy.
Michael: Oh hey, HEY, yes! New guy! And he scores. (starts laughing again)
Dwight: Okay that's great, I guess, uh, what I'm most concerned with is, uh, damage to company property, that's all.
(silence as Michael thinks)
Michael: Pudding. Pood-ing. I'm trying to think of another desert to do.
CUT TO RECEPTION, JIM IS LEANING ACROSS TO TALK TO PAM
Jim: Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: That's why we're all going out, so we can have an end of the week drink.
Pam: So when are we going out?
Jim: I don't know, tonight? Hopefully.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: About, yeah...
(Roy walks in, Jim straightens up)
Roy: Hey man.
Pam: Hey!
Jim: What's going on?
Roy: Hi baby.
Pam: Hey.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: Ah, Roy's my fiance. We've been engaged about, um, about three years. And w-we were supposed to get married in September, but I think we're going to gonna get married in the spring.
CUT BACK TO RECEPTION
Pam: Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?
Roy: Uh, no. I don't...come on, let's get outta here, go home?
Pam: Okay, I'm going to be a few minutes, uh. It's only twenty past five, I still have to do my faxes.
(Pam leaves, Jim and Roy stand there)
Jim: You know what, uh, you should come with us. Because, we're, you know, we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to, uh, to see what people are like outside of the office. You know, I, I think it could be fun.
Roy: No, it sounds, sounds good.
Jim: Oh no...
Roy: Seriously, we gotta get going.
Jim: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Jim and Roy stand in silence)
Jim: Um, what's in the, ah, what's in the bag?
Roy: Just tell her I'll talk to her later.(starts walking to the door)
Jim: No, definitely, alright dude, awesome. Will do.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? (thinks about it, scratches head, then just stares at the camera)
CUT TO Michael AND RYAN TALKING IN HIS OFFICE
Michael: So, ah, have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. (laughs) Right? Um, I guess the, um, atmosphere that I've created here, is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second. Probably, ah, entertainer third.
(Knock on door)
Michael: Just a second. Right? (looks to see who it is) Oh, hey, do you, ah, do you like the Jaime Kennedy Experiment.
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: Punk'd, and all that kind of stuff...
Ryan: Yeah.
Michael: Okay, um, you are going to be my accomplice. Just go along with it okay?
Ryan: Alright.
Michael: Just follow my lead, (clear throat), don't pimp me alright? COME IN!
(Pam enters)
Michael: (talking to Ryan) So, uh, corporate just said that I don't want to...
Pam: You got a fax (hands him a paper)
Michael: Oh, thank you Pam. Pam, could you come in here for a sec'?
(Pam looks at everybody leaving)
Michael: Just have a seat, I was going to call you in anyway. Um, you know Ryan. Um, as you know there's going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.
Pam: (wide eyed) What? Why?
Michael: Why? Well, theft. And stealing.
Pam: Stealing?
Michael: Mmm-hmm.
Pam: Well, what am I supposed to have stolen?
Michael: Post it notes.
Pam: Post it notes?
Michael: Um, yeah, gah...
Pam: What are those, like worth? Like fifty cents?
Michael: Fifty cents, yeah. You steal a thousand Post it notes at fifty cents a piece and you know, you made a (can't do the math) profit margin. You know, gonna run us out of business Pam. (laughs)
Pam: Are you serious?
Michael: Yeah, I am.
Pam: (starting to tear up) Um, I can't believe this. I mean, I've never even stolen as much as a paper clip and now you're firing me?
Michael: (trying not to laugh) And the best thing about it, is that, ah, we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and, uh, so just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.
(Pam puts her face in her hand and starts quietly crying)
(Long silence, except for the quiet sobs)
Michael: You've been X'd punk! (laughs) Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? Okay? He was in on it, he was my accomplice.
(Camera pans to Ryan who is looking down and shaking his head)
Michael: And, there was, it was kind of a morale booster thing, and we were, showing the new guy around, kind of, giving him a feel of the place. So... you should- God, you were, we totally got you.
Pam: (teary eyed) You're a jerk!
Michael: Well, I don't know about that.
(Pam leaves, and slams the door. Michael looks at the fax, not sure what to do, offers it to Ryan)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nah uh. It's the PE-ple. The PE-ple. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No no no no no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke english. Came to me and said, (in an odd accent) "Mister Scott, would you be dee godfather of my child?" Wow, WOW, wow. (Gets very contemplative) It didn't work out in the end, we had to let him go, he sucked.
CUT TO PAM COMING OUT OF THE LADIES ROOM WIPING NOSE
Pam: (Sees Jim at his desk) Hey.
Jim: Hey!
Pam: Hi.
Jim: How are ya?
Pam: Good, I thought you were going out for a drink with, uh..
Jim: Oh no, no, decided not to uh...(looks at camera)
(Pam looks at camera too)
Jim: How's your headache?
Pam: It's better, thanks. Yeah.
Jim: Good, good, that's great.
Pam: (looks at camera again) Is, uh, um, are you, uh...
Jim: Am I walking out?
Pam: Are you? Yes..(laughs)
Jim: (laughs) Yes, I've, do you wanna?..
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: Great, let me just, um...
(Honking outside)
Jim: Oh, Roy. Ah...
Pam: Yeah, listen have a nice weekend.
Jim: Yeah, definitely, you too. Enjoy it.
(Pam grabs jacket and leaves, Jim waves bye)
(Jim looks for a while then sighs and grabs something from under his desk covered by a towel)
Jim: (looks at the camera) I...you know what, just come here (motions to the camera)
(Puts the object on Michaels desk and takes off the towel to reveal a giant yellow jello mold, inside is Michaels WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug)
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