Original Airdate (NBC): 29/MAR/2005
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TRANSCRIPT:
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Guest star: Paul Lieberstein (Toby), Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), Kate Flannery (Meredith), Oscar Nunez (Oscar), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Brian Baumgartner (Kevin), Mindy Kaling (Kelly), Leslie David Baker (Stanley) , Larry Wilmore (Mr. Brown)
OPENING CREDITS (With that awesome Jay Ferguson music)
INT. THE OFFICE
(Michael opens door to conference room)
Michael: Hey ya, can I, uh, help you out here?
Mr. Brown: Oh, I'm all set, thanks.
Michael: Gotcha, good, I'd go with the rows, that's a good idea.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: Today is diversity day, and someone is going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I'VE been pushing. (rethinks it) That I've been wanting to push for a long time, and corporate mandated it. And I, I never actually talked to corporate about it, um, they kind of beat me to the punch. Ah, (out of the corner of his mouth) those bastards. (laughs) Um, but ah, but I was going to. And I think that it's very important that we have this. It's a, I'm, I'm very, very excited.
CUT TO JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA
Michael: Today is diversity day, and someone is going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I'VE been pushing. (rethinks it) That I've been wanting to push for a long time, and corporate mandated it. And I, I never actually talked to corporate about it, um, they kind of beat me to the punch. Ah, (out of the corner of his mouth) those bastards. (laughs) Um, but ah, but I was going to. And I think that it's very important that we have this. It's a, I'm, I'm very, very excited.
CUT TO JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA
(Dwight is blacking out a document with a magic marker)
Jim: (talking to customer on phone) That's the thing, it's very sturdy paper, and on the back it says a hundred percent post consumer content, so...what? (Covers his free hear) Hello? Uh huh? Wait, what? I'm sorry Mr. Decker, I think I'm, I think I'm lo-, I think I'm losing you.
(Dwight puts a paper shredder in his lap and starts shredding paper, it's a very loud shredder by the way)
Jim: Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one sec', I don't know, hold on one second. (To Dwight) Do you really have to do that right now?
Dwight: Yes I do. I should have done this weeks ago actually.
Jim: (Holding his free ear again) Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that, what were you s-, can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks. (Turns off the surge bar to Dwight's shredder) Hello? Oh, that's it, perfect. So what I was saying- (Dwight turns off Jim's phone)
(Dial tone)
Jim: Hello? (Hangs up phone) Thanks Dwight.
Dwight: Retaliation. Dit for tit.
Jim: That is not the expression.
Dwight: Well it should be. (Turns his surge bar back on and continues shredding)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there, for some reason, I'm not really sure why. But, uh, you know, I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account. And that one call ends up being, uh, 25% of my commission, for the whole year. (CUT TO Jim at his desk taking a bottle out of his bag and putting it in his drawer) So, you know, I buy a mini bottle of champagne and celebrate a little. And this year, I'm pushing recycled paper on them for 1% more. I know, I'm getting cocky, right?
CUT TO THE RECEPTION AREA
(Pam is playing Freecell, Jim walks up and takes a jellybean)
Jim: Solitaire?
Pam: Yeah, Freecell.
Jim: (points at the monitor) Six on the seven.
Pam: I know, I saw that.
Jim: So then, why didn't you do it?
Pam: I'm saving that, 'cause I like it when the cards go T-ts-ts-tch-tch-tch.
Jim: Who doesn't love that?
(Pam laughs)
CUT TO ACCOUNTING AREA
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE AREA
(Michael is walking out of his office and glances at the conference room door, then backs up into his office)
Michael: (Coming out of his office the same time as Mr. Brown) Hey! Oscar! How ya doing man?
Oscar: Alright.
Michael: So you've got a good weekend going there?
Oscar: It was fun.
Michael: Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. (laughs and turns around, pretends to just now notice Mr. Brown) Oh, hey, this is Oscar.
Oscar: Mar-Martinez. (shakes hands)
Michael: Right, see, I don't even know. First name basis.
Mr. Brown: Great, well, we're all set.
Michael: Oh hey, well, (claps hands) diversity everybody, let's do it! (Walks to conference room) Oscar works in...(can't remember)...here. Jim, could you, ah, wrap it please.
Jim: (On phone) Mr. Decker please?
Michael: I, uh, it's diversity Jim. (to camera) I wish everyday was diversity day.
Jim: Um, you know what, I'm actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that. (hangs up phone)
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Mr. Brown is collecting cards from the employees)
Mr. Brown: Thank you, thank you, thank you...
Michael: Getting the cards! GEETting the cards!
Mr. Brown: Thank you, okay, thanks for filling these out, and I promise this will be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems, in the workplace arise simply out of, ignorance.
Michael: You know what, this is a color free zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.
Mr. Brown: Uh, (chuckles) see, that, this is what I'm talking about. We don't have to pretend that we're color blind.
Michael: Exactly. We're not color blind.
Mr. Brown: That's fighting ignorance with more ignorance.
Michael: ...with more tolerance
Mr. Brown: (looks at Michael) No. With more ignorance, right, exactly. Uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity. Okay?
Michael: Let's celebrate.
Mr. Brown: Right. Okay.
Michael: Celebrate good times, come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right?
Mr. Brown: Yes, exactly, now, here's what we're going to do. Uh, I've noticed, that uh...
Michael: You know what, here's what we're going to do, why don't we go around, and everybody. EVERYBODY, say a race that you are attracted to, sexually. I will go last. (claps hands) Go!
(Dwight raises hand)
Dwight: I have two.
Michael: Nice.
Dwight: White and Indian.
(Kelly looks up a little alarmed)
Mr. Brown: Actually, I'd prefer NOT to start that way. Michael, I would, uh, love to have your permission to run this session. Can I have your permission?
Michael: Yeees.
Mr. Brown: Thank you very much. And it would also help me if you were seated.
Michael: Okay. (Pulls up a chair and sits down)
Mr. Brown: Thank you. Okay, now, at the start of the session, I had you all write down an incident, uh, that you found offensive in the work place. Now what I'm going to do is choose one, and we're going to act it out...
Dwight: (raises his hand) Okay, a few of the ground rules, just real quick.
Michael: Hey, hey, why don't you run it by me, and I'll run it by him.
Dwight: Okay, can we steer away from gay people.
(Michael rolls his eyes)
Dwight: Uh, I'm sorry it's an orientation, not a race. Plus a lot of other races are also intolerant of gays. So...paradox.
Mr. Brown: Well, we only have an hour.
Dwight(OS): I figured it would save time? No gays.
Michael: Okay, why don't we just dif-, why don't we just differ to Mr., ummm...
Mr. Brown: Mister Brown.
Michael: Ah. Aaalright, okay. First test, I will not call you that.
Mr. Brown: Well, it's my name, it's not a test, okay? Um, so. Looking through cards, I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident. Which is ironic, because it is the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine?
(Everybody, including the temp, raise their hands)
Mr. Brown: Hmm. Very good, okay...
CUT TO INDUVIDIAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious, and ground breaking; then I go, and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to corporate? Is it because I'm white, and Chris is black? (leaves the audience to mull over that)
CUT BACK TO MEETING
Mr. Brown: So, we're going to re-enact this with a more positive outcome.
Michael: (stands up) I will play the Chris Rock guy. (the room groans) I would like to see someone else pull this off.
Mr. Brown: Well, let's have someone else who wasn't involved do the re-enactment.
Michael: Okay, ah, I will play guy listening. (sits back down)
Mr. Brown: Great, guy listening. Okay, anyone else remember?
Kevin: I remember. (Jim pats Kevin on the shoulder)
Mr. Brown: Great. You're the Chris rock guy, and you're guy listening.
Michael: (exasperated sigh) Okay.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: Kevin is a great guy. (cut to Kevin at his desk marking his report with a HUGE pencil) He is a great accountant, he is not much of an entertainer.
CUT BACK TO MEETING
Kevin: Basically, there are two types of black people. And black people are actually more racist, because they hate the other type of black people. See, every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess...
Michael: (unable to remain sitting and quiet) I'm, okay, I'm, I'm sorry, (looks at Mr. Brown) I'm sorry, he's ruin.., he's butchering it. I, I'm, could you just let me, every time, (starts impression) EVERY TIME BLACK PEOPLE WANNA HAVE A GOOD TIME, SOME IDIOT ASS...(BLEEP)
Mr. Brown: Whoa, whoa, whoa now.
Michael: I TAKE CARE OF MY KID! (BLEEP)
Mr. Brown: Wait, wait, wait a second, you don't need to go there. Okay? Please stop it, stop it, stop it, please stop...
Michael: THEY ALWAYS WANT CREDIT FOR SOMETHING THEY SUPPOSED TO DO.
Mr. Brown: STOP IT!!!!
(Silence)
Michael: (As Chris Rock) What you want, a cookie? (sits back down)
CUT TO JIM'S PHONE RINGING
(Jim can only stare at it from the conference room)
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Mr. Brown: Now this is a simple acronym, HERO. Uh, at Diversity Today, we believe it's very easy to be a hero. All you need are Honesty, Empathy, Respect, and Open-mindedness.
Dwight: Ah, excuse me.
Mr. Brown: Yeah.
Dwight: I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Oh, great. Well, what is a hero to you?
(In the background, Jim listens expectantly)
Dwight: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm.
Mr. Brown: Okay.
(Jim crosses his arm and smiles and the expected answer)
Dwight: A hero is part human, and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must, be avenged.
(Jim looks at Mr. Brown for a response)
Mr. Brown: Ok, uh, you're thinking of a superhero.
Dwight: We all have a hero in our heart.
(Jim tries no to laugh)
(Mr. Brown just looks deadpanned at Dwight, with a slight sense of pity)
CUT TO LATER
(Mr. Brown is handing out papers)
Mr. Brown: Okay, I want you to take these forms. This kind of expresses the joint experience we, uh, had today. I want you to look 'em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge.
Michael: (clears throat) I don't think I can sign this.
Mr. Brown: uh, I can't leave until you do.
Michael: Well, okay. It says here that I learned something, and I knew all this stuff already, so...I could, you know, I could sign something that says that I taught something.
Mr. Brown: Umm...
Michael: Or that I helped you teach something so...Pam? Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this?
Mr. Brown: Michael, can I, uh, can I talk to you candidly?
Michael: Sure.
CUT TO MICHEAL AND MR. BROWN IN MICHEAL'S OFFICE (The camera is outside)
Mr. Brown: We both know that I'm here because of he comments that you made.
CUT TO INSIDE OF MICHEAL'S OFFICE
Michael: Here's the thing. This office, I think is very advanced in terms of, uh, racial awareness, and it's, uh, probably more advanced than you're used to.
Mr. Brown: Umm...
Michael: And that's probably thrown you off a little bit.
Mr. Brown: Um, it's not throwing me. I NEED your signature.
Michael: Okay, I know you told me that several times.
Mr. Brown: Yes, but you're not listening to me, your's is the ONLY signature I need. Those are my instructions from the corporate offices to put YOU through this seminar for the comments that YOU made. And the only reason why I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn't be embarrassed. (looks at camera)
Michael: (looks at camera too) Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. Aaand, you don't. (starts to sign paper)
Mr. Brown: Don't worry about dating it.
Michael: I won't.
Mr. Brown: Okay, thank you. (looks over the paper and hands a copy back)
Michael: Yep, yep.
(Mr. Brown leaves the office)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHEAL
Michael: (reading his pledge paper) "I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness..." Open-mindedness, is that even a word? Umm..."into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck" (holds up paper and starts cracking up) Oh, he's gonna lose it when he reads that.
CUT TO JIM TALKING ON THE PHONE
Jim: Yeah, hi, is Mr. Decker around? (Cut to Pam playing Freecell on her computer) Oh, well, can you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you. (CUT BACK to Jim, hangs up phone a little frustrated)
Michael: (reading from agreement) "I pledge to always keep an open mind, and an open heart." (tears paper up and tosses it on the floor)
(Jim chewing on pen, glances at it)
Michael: I do believe in that part of the pledge that I just read. But a pledge, come on. I mean, who are we, the Girl Scouts? (Dwight nods his head enthusiastically) No, look...the um, the guy, (does air quotes) Mr. Brown...uh, he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? (Jim swivels his chair to glance at Pam, who looks back with a look of shock) No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? Okay, get as much done as you can before lunch, because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears.
CUT TO SHOT OF OFFICE MATES WHO REALLY DON'T CARE
CUT TO MICHAEL IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM SETTING UP
(There is a banner on the wall that reads "DIVERSITY DAY--TAKE 2!")
CUT TO JIM STARING AT HIS PHONE, WHICH IS CURRENTLY BUSY
Michael: Alright! Everybody pretty? Come on, here we go. It's time, let's do some good. (everybody files back into the conference room)
Toby: Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? (Everyone laughs)
Michael: Get out.
Toby: I'm sorry.
Michael: No, this is not a joke. Okay? That was offensive, and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here. (Toby leaves) Okay, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go, take a seat, cop a squat. And um...thank you for coming in. Um...diversity...is the corner stone of progress, as I've always said. But don't take my word for it, let's take a look at the tape. (turns on VCR)
(On T.V.)
"Hi, I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania. But I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.' And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace." (video ends)
Michael: Okay, questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?
Jim: Uh, is that it?
Michael: Uh, yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on.
Kevin: It was kind of hard to hear.
Michael: Ah, yes, that probably had something to do with the camera work. (looks a Dwight, who looks down in shame) Uh, anybody else? Um...
(Kelly stands up)
Kelly: I, uh, have a customer meeting?
Michael: Yeh, well if you leave, we'll only have two left. (quickly) Yes, enjoy! Ab-so-lutely, namaste. (bows) Okay, well, since I am leading this, let's get down to business. (pulls up chair and sits in it backwards) And why don't I just kind of introduce myself, okay? Um, I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, ah, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. (Dwight in the background eagerly taking notes) But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian.
Oscar: What part Native American?
Michael: Two fifteenths.
Oscar: Two-fif...that fraction doesn't make any sense.
Michael: Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about, the suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Whose going? Whose going? (Dwight is the only one raising his hand) Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on.
Oscar: Okay, Michael, um...both my parents were born in Mexico.
Michael: Oh yeah...
Oscar: And, uh, they moved to the United States a year before I was born.
Michael: Yeah...
Oscar: So I grew up in the United States.
Michael: Wow.
Oscar: And, my parents were Mexican.
Michael: Wow. That is...that is a great story. That's the American dream right there, right?
Oscar: Thank...yeah.
Michael: Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?
Oscar: Mexican isn't offensive.
Michael: Well, it has certain connotations.
Oscar: Like what?
Michael: Like...I don't...I don't know.
Oscar: What connotations, Michael?
Michael: Oh no, no, no, no...
Oscar: You meant something...
Michael: Now, remember that honesty...
Oscar: I'm just curious.
Michael: ...empathy, respect...(Jim's phone is ringing he walks out hurridly to answer it) Jim! Jim!
(Ryan in the background just chilling on the couch)
Jim: (picks up the phone) Hello? Hello? (hangs up the phone)
CUT BACK TO THE MEETING
Michael: I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore...Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and I want you to put it on your forehead and...Take a card, take a card, any card, um...(Pam puts a card on her head that reads "JEWISH", Angela's reads "JAMAICAN", Kevin's reads "ITALIAN")...and I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead, okay? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, (Stanley's card reads "BLACK") so...I want you to really go for it, 'cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And...(places a card on his head that reads "MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.")...I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get her done.
CUT TO MICHEAL SIPPING COFFEE OUTSIDE THE CONFERENCE ROOM WITH CARD ON HEAD
Michael: Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it, but it's...(nods head)
CUT TO MICHEAL MANAGING THE MEETING BETWEEN PAM AND STANLEY
Michael: Oh, this is a good one.
Pam: Um, hi. How are you?
Stanley: Fine, how are you?
Michael: (whispering) Push it. Push it.
Pam: Great, umm...(looks at Michael)
Stanley: I admire your culture's success in America.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on. Olympics of suffering right here. (Stanley smiles) Slavery versus the Holocaust, come on. (Stanley frowns)
Stanley: (takes off card) Who am I supposed to be?
Michael: No no no, well, that, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that.
CUT TO DWIGHT TALKING TO MERIDETH
Dwight: (has a card that reads "ASIAN") Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me. (moves on to Pam) Um, shalom, I'd like to apply for a loan.
Pam: That's nice Dwight.
Dwight: Okay, do me. Something stereotypical, so I can get it really quick.
(Michael walks up)
Pam: Okay, I like your food.
Dwight: (snaps fingers) Outback steakhouse! (Australian accent) I'm Australian mate.
Michael: Pam, come on. "I like your food?" Come on. Stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it, let's get ugly. Let's get real.
Pam: Okay. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Oh man! Am I a woman?
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHEAL
Michael: You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just thought,"Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um...you know, the ball's in their court.
CUT TO RECEPTION, JIM LEANS OVER TO SEE WHAT RYAN IS LOOKING AT ON THE COMPUTER
Jim: What you watching?
Ryan: Chappelle's Show.
Jim: Really?
Ryan: Yeah, I downloaded it on her computer. I hope she doesn't mind, she just had a lot of extra space.
Jim: No way. I think she really likes this stuff.
(They both start watching the screen)
Ryan: She's cute, huh?
Jim: (looks uncertain) Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but...
Ryan: Oh, no, the girl in the...(motions to monitor)...sketch.
Jim: Oh, yeah. She's hot.
Ryan: Yeah.
CUT TO "DIVERSITY DAY -- TAKE 2"
(Kevin in talking to Angela)
Kevin: Hey.
Angela: Hey.
(Michael walks up)
Kevin: You wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: You wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do mon.
Angela: Stop...
Michael: Okay, alright. No, it's good. It, you, you, you just need to push it. You know, you need to go a little bit further. Ah, alright, okay. (spots Kelly and runs over to her) (In a high voice and odd accent) Kelly, how are you?
Kelly: I just had the longest meeting.
Michael: Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi googi, only 99 cents plus tax. (Kelly's smile turns into a frown) Try my googi googi! (Lowering voice) Try my googi googi. Try my googi googi! Try my...
(Kelly slaps him and takes off)
(Everybody just stares)
Michael: (trying not to cry) Alright! Alright. Yes! That was great, she gets it. Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.
CUT TO JIM AT HIS DESK
Jim: (on the phone) Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent, okay, let me just get your...what's that? No, we didn't close last time. I just need your um...(listens)...oh, what code were you given? Oh, okay. (CUT TO Jim pulling the mini champagne out of his drawer) (VO) That's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? (places the bottle on Dwight's desk) No, I don't blame you.
CUT TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM
(Everybody is sitting and look beyond tired)
Michael: (With hands on his forehead) I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. (Jim comes in and sits next to Pam) I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted...I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food.
Kevin: (in an Italian accent and with the card still on his head) Maybe some spagh-etti.
Michael: Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, okay? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it?
(Pam starts falling asleep and leans her head on Jim's shoulder)
Michael: If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens.
(Jim looks at Pam, surprised, then smiles, then closes his eyes and grins)
Michael: Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael: What?
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael: That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive.
(Stanley just rolls his eyes and sighs)
Michael: Hmmmm...Okay, well, it's after five so....thank you very much. (everybody gets up and leaves giving Michael their cards as they pass) Buena vista Oscar.
(Jim watches everybody leave, Pam is still asleep)
Michael(OS): Thank you, good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice.
(Jim looks at the camera, then watches as the last people leave)
(Jim looks at the camera one more time and decides to wake up Pam)
Jim: Um...Hey.
Pam: (stirs) Mmmm.
Jim: Hey.
Pam: (a little embarrassed) Oh.
Jim: (smiling) We can go.
Pam: (smiling) Sorry.
Jim: That's fine.
(Pam gets up, leaves, Jim follows)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: Ummmm....Not a bad day. (gets the biggest grin on his face)
THE END
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