Original Airdate (NBC): 05/APR/2005
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TRANSCRIPT:
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Guest star: Melora Hardin (Jan Levinson-Gould), Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), Paul Lieberstein (Toby), Mindy Kaling (Kelly), Kate Flannery (Meredith), Oscar Nunez (Oscar), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Brian Baumgartner (Kevin) , Leeslie David Baker (Stanley)
OPENING CREDITS (With that awesome Jay Ferguson music)
INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA
(Pam is working at her desk)
Michael: Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies.
Pam: I'm not making any copies.
Michael: Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway.
Pam: Nothing new.
Michael: Lay them on moi. What?
Pam: There's nothing new.
Michael: That's not what you said earlier.
Pam: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the...(nods toward camera)
(Michael just stands there silent)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um...Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.
CUT TO SHOT OF ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT
CUT TO SHOT OF MICHAEL IN OFFICE WITH JAN LEVITSON-GOULD
Jan: So, which health plan have you decided on?
Michael: I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic message, you know, the works.
Jan: Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?
Michael: I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
Jan: The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.
Michael: Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.
Jan: Michael.
Michael: You gotta crack these things open.
Jan: You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan.
Michael: Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um...It won't be popular decision around the old orifice.
Jan: It's your job. So...
Michael: Well, it's a suicide mission, you know.
Jan: Michael...maybe...I mean...
Michael: There, there...
Jan: Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael: (scoffs) When have you ever done that?
Jan: I'm doing it right now. To you.
CUT TO RECEPTION AREA
(Jim is leaning across the counter talking to Pam)
Jim: Last night on Trading Spouses, there's...have you seen it?
Pam: No. I have a life.
Jim: Interesting, what's that like?
Pam: You should try it sometime.
Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is...
Pam: (laughs)...your problem.
(Michael comes out of his office)
Michael: Jimbo!
(Jim stands up, slightly annoyed)
Michael: Ha haaaaa. Ah. (walks off)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day.
(camera pans to his inbox to reveal, one, solitary post it note)
(Camera then pans to Jim who is looking at the post it)
Micheal: So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
Jim: Gosh! Heh...
Michael: Yeah!
Jim: That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I am going to do. You know who would be great for this?
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.
CUT TO DWIGHT IN MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Dwight: (enthusiastically) Yes. I can do it. I'm your man. (takes all the health care info off of Michael's desk)
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
CUT BACK TO DWIGHT IN MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Dwight: Okay, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan.
Dwight: Okay, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference foom should be fine.
Michael: You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Dwight: (to self) Yes, I have an office. (to camera) Bigger than his.
Michael: Nope, you cannot use it.
Dwight: Okay, I take it back, it's a workspace.
Michael: Temporary workspace. You can use it.
Dwight: Thank you. (smiles slyly at the camera)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today.
CUT TO DWIGHT IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM
(There is a sign posted on the window that says "DWIGHT SCHRUTE WORKSPACE")
Michael (VO): Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.
CUT TO DWIGHT HANDING OUT MEMOS TO EVERYBODY
Dwight (VO): What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.
CUT TO DWIGHT IN HIS WORKSPACE
Dwight: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. (looks into camera) I'm the lion. You're dead.
CUT TO EVERYONE LOOKING AT THE MEMO, UPSET
Stanley(VO): There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible.
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Phone rings)
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael: (on phone) Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?
Pam: Where are you?
(camera pans around to Michael's office, the blinds are drawn shut)
Michael: Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped.
(Camera finds a crack in the blinds enough for us to see Michael)
Michael: I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away.
(Shows Michael playing with a little toy Dunder Mifflin delivery truck)
Michael: I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there?
Pam: Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the...
Michael: Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call.
(Pam looks at her lines)
Pam: No you're not.
(Michael realizes that she can see his lines)
Michael: I have to make a call after I finish...my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?
Pam: Okay.
Michael: Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this.
Pam: Still no one calling.
(Michael hangs up)
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Pam and Jim open the door and go in)
Pam: Dwight, what...
Dwight: Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office.
Jim: It says "workspace".
Dwight: Same thing.
Jim: If it's the same thing, then why did you write "workspace"?
Dwight: (not knowing what to say) Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.
Jim: You are NOT my superior.
Dwight: Oh gee, then why do I have an office?
Jim: I thought it was a workspace.
(Pam finally getting impatient)
Pam: Okay! Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan?
Dwight: Yes. And my decision in final.
Pam: This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything.
Dwight: Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it.
Jim: You cut more than you had to, didn't you?
Dwight: Sure.
Jim: Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance?
Dwight: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
Jim: Okay, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
Dwight: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will. (demonstrating with a pen)
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: (matter-of-factly) So I can lower it.
(Pam nods as though she's going to have to be satisfied with that answer)
CUT TO ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT
Oscar: He literally won't come out of his office.
Kevin: He's got to come out sometime. (gets that sly smile of his) To go to the bathroom.
Angela: Kevin! That's inappropriate.
CUT TO OUTSIDE OF MEN'S ROOM
(Oscar and Meredith are waiting outside, Michael walks out)
Oscar: Michael, can I talk to you?
Michael: Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check? (starts hurridly walking to his office)
(Meredith and Oscar follow)
Meredith: Michael. Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo?
Michael: Ah, what? Which memo?
(More people are waiting for him by his office door)
Pam: Dwight's health care memo. I told you about it.
Michael: Is it a good plan?
Dwight: It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune.
Oscar: It's like a pay decrease.
Pam: Michael, he made huge cuts.
Michael: Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?
Dwight: Yeah, you said...
Michael: No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them?
Dwight: I can handle that.
Michael: Okay? Alright. Do we feel good? Alright. Good. (starts back to office, but stops and turns around) Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. Okay? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right?
(Everybody goes back to their desks, Dwight backs up into his workspace, Michael peeks out of his office between the blinds)
Oscar: This is not good.
Angela: It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him?
Oscar: What was that?
Angela: You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic.
(Oscar sighs)
Kevin: What are you guys talking about?
Angela: Nothing, Kevin.
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE
Michael: Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, "Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I...what a great guy. I love him. I...love him.
CUT BACK TO JIM'S DESK AND ENTRANCE TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Dwight comes out)
Dwight: Okay, everyone. Gather around.
(No one moves)
Dwight: Step forward.
(Still, no one moves)
Dwight: It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.
Jim: 'Kay, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.
Dwight: Okay, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.
Jim: Workspace.
(Dwight glares at Jim before he closes the door)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: You know what? Come with me. (grabs keys) We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise. (comes out of his office quickly)
Pam: Were are you going?
Michael: Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. (Opens the door and giggles) Couldn't find the knob.
CUT TO TRAVEL CENTER
Michael: So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, okay? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend.
Travel Agent: I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe?
Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so...
CUT TO OFFICE
(Cut to people circling things on the list, Phyllis copying something off a perscription bottle, Kevin is trying to hide his answers)
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Jim and Pam are filling out their surveys, Jim glances at Pam's paper)
Jim: Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease.
(Pam looks at him confused)
Jim: Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.
(Holds up his paper with everything circled, Pam starts laughing)
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Oh, nice.
Jim: Thank you.
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS CAR IN A PARKING LOT
Michael: (talking on cell phone) Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.
Man on Phone: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mine shaft? It's not really a ride.
Michael: (Pulls out brochure) Its says here that it's a 300ft drop.
Man on Phone: It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.
Michael: So it's not a free fall?
Man on Phone: It's an industrial coal elevator.
Michael: Uh, well, alright. Well, once you get down into the mine, what...you got laser tag or something?
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE
Michael: Okay, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway?
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
(Dwight shouts off camera)
Dwight: Dammit!
(Opens door angrily)
Dwight: Alright, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
Jim: What are you talking about?
Dwight: Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony.
Jim: Okay, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight: Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. (cut to accounting department) (OS) Hot-dog fingers. (Angela starts laughing) Government-created killer nanorobot infection. (Stanley is laughing hard)
(Dwight turns to Jim, who is at the reception desk)
Dwight: You did this, didn't you?
Jim: Absolutely not.
Dwight: Yes you did.
Jim: No I didn't.
Dwight: I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one.
(Goes back into conference room)
CUT TO RECEPTION
Jim: (to Pam) Killer nanorobots?
Pam: It's an epidemic. (gives her best innocent look)
CUT LATER TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Dwight: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. (reads off of paper) "Count Choculitis"
Jim: (whistles) Sounds tough.
Dwight: Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you?
Dwight: I think you need to confess...
Jim: (gets up) Mmm hmm.
Dwight: ...the fact...
Jim: Yep. (grabs keys off of table and heads to the door)
Dwight: What are you doing? Those are my keys.
Jim: Good luck. (closes door and locks it)
Dwight: Jim! Damn it! NO! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let-(Bangs on door)
(Without looking, Jim throws his keys to his left, they land on a shelf next to Stanley)
Stanley: (looks at keys, continues talking on phone)...the light green or green...
CUT TO JIM AT HIS DESK
(Phone rings, Dwight can be seen in the background on phone)
Jim: (picks up phone) Jim Halpert.
Dwight: Let me out.
Jim: Who IS this?
Dwight: Let me out or you're fired.
Jim: No, you can't fire me.
Dwight: Y-yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.
Jim: Okay, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep. (presses button on phone) Jim Halpert.
Pam: (on phone) Hey, Jim. It's Pam.
Jim: Hey Pam! How are ya?
Dwight: (Faintly heard through window) JIM! Open the door!
Pam: Good, how are you? Busy?
Jim: I'm doing okay. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?
Dwight: Jim!
Pam: Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?
(Dwight angrily knocks on window)
Jim: No, not at all.
Pam: You don't have anything you're doing?
Jim: I have nothing to do.
Dwight: (still knocking on window) Jim!
Pam: Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? No, nothing. I'm not really doing anything.
Dwight: (knocking getting more persistent now) JIM!!
Jim: Oh yeah?
Pam: I might go to the mall.
Jim: The mall?
Dwight: Jim!
Pam: I need new shoes.
Jim: Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes?
(Dwight knocking the entire time)
CUT TO DWIGHT IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM
(Talking on the speaker phone)
Jan: Hello?
Dwight: Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould.
Jan: This is Jan.
Dwight: Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.
Jan: Who is this?
Dwight: Dwight Schrute.
Jan: From sales?
Dwight: Well...
Jan: Where's Michael Scott?
Dwight: He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.
Jan: Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Dwight: That's not entirely true. Because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan.
Jan: Really?
Dwight: Yeah.
Jan: Okay, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Dwight: Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?
Jan: No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again.
Dwight: Oh, this is your cell- I thought this was your...(dial tone)
CUT TO SHOT OF THE CLOCK WHICH READS 4:33
(Michael comes into the office)
Michael: Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! (laughs) Here you go. Take one, take one. (hands one to Pam) It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. (throws one at Phyllis, who misses it) Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! (throws it way over her head) Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism.
Ryan: Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the...
Michael: Why don't you just eat it, okay? And here you go, Stanley the manly.
Stanley: Oh, thanks.
Michael: There you go.
Stanley: This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.
Michael: Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprisING. Um, because you didn't expect it. But you will...you'll know it when you see it. (throws a sandwich at Kevin who wasn't even looking)
(Camera pans to Dwight who is still locked in the conference room)
Dwight: (knocking on window) Michael. Michael!
Michael: (under his breath) Oh, Christ...
(Michael just walks straight to his office and shuts the door)
(Jim turns around in his chair and throws his ice cream at Dwight)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: I tried being rational, okay? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options.
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM, DWIGHT IS HOLDING A MEETING (And apparently got unlocked)
Dwight: I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
Stanley: What about confidentiality?
Dwight: You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis.
(No one raises their hand)
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
(Silence)
CUT TO SPY SHOT OF MICHAEL THROUGH THE BLINDS
(He's eating an ice cream sandwich, there are wrappers all around his desk, he throws down his current one and looks sick)
CUT BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Dwight: Okay, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. Okay, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?
Kevin: That's a real thing.
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin: (glances at camera) Someone has it.
(Silence as the realization kicks in for everybody)
CUT TO EVERYBODY GETTING READY TO LEAVE
(Everybody is standing around Michael's door, Michael is peeking out of the blinds)
Kevin: Do you think we should go ?
Oscar: I don't know, Kevin. This is important. I don't want...(spots Michael through the blinds) There he is.
Kevin: What is he doing?
Oscar: I don't know.
(Michael slowly opens the door and emerges)
(Everybody just stands there, dissatisfied and ready to leave)
(Michael sighs loudly, as if nothing's wrong)
Oscar: Well?
Michael: Well, what? You could be referring to anything.
Oscar: Okay, the health care plan.
Pam: Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.
Michael: Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits?
Dwight: I most certainly did not.
Michael: Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah...(sarcastically) Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and...what time is it, what time is it? (looks at watch) Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, okay. See you guys on Monday. (turns to go back into office)
Angela: What about the surprise?
Michael: Oh, yesss. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what YOU think the big surprise is?
Stanley: We all think you don't have a surprise.
Michael: Alright, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And...here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is...Brrrrrrr! (starts banging imaginary drums) Drum roll...Brrrrrrr! Brrrrrrr! (running out of breath) (stops and just stands there in silence)
(Everybody looks pissed now)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
CUT BACK TO THE IMPENDING MUTINY IN THE OFFICE
Michael: (claps hands) God, yeah...Ahh! (trying real hard to think) This...(gets quiet)
(Kevin looks around and leaves, followed by Kelly)
Michael: (VO) Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head to head with him.
(Ryan leaves)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: Oh! That would be exciting. (as Robin Williams)"Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.
CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE AREA
(Michael is standing there still trying to come up with something)
(Meredith leaves, followed by Toby, then Pam)
(Angela and Phyllis leave, Jim is still at his desk)
(Jim gets his bag and leaves, Michael just stands there, dissapointed)
Dwight: Oh, um...Jan wants you to call her.
THE END
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