Original Airdate (NBC): 12/APR/2005
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TRANSCRIPT:
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Guest star: Phyllis Smith (Phyllis), Craig Robinson (Darryl), Paul Lieberstein (Toby), Angela Kinsey (Angela), Kate Flannery (Meredith), David Denman (Roy), Leslie David Baker (Stanley)
OPENING CREDITS (With that awesome Jay Ferguson music)
INT. THE BATHROOM AREA OF THE OFFICE
(Dwight is waiting outside the men's room door fidgeting and biting his nail)
(Door opens and Michael comes out)
Dwight: MICHAEL!
Michael: OH! God. Dwight, come on...
Dwight: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?
Michael: There's no downsizing.
Dwight: I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?
Michael: (exasperated) Assistant TO the regional manager Dwight.
Dwight: Yeah, so I don't have to worry?
Michael: Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay?
(Dwight looks up and inhales deeply)
Michael: But there's no downsizing, so just don't...
Dwight: Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Michael: (shakes head) Mmm, mm, mm. (quickly) Maybe.
(Dwight looks scared)
Michael: (VO) It looks like there's gonna be downsizing.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: And it's part of my job, but...blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." (as Donald Trump) "You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed." It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. (as Donald again) "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, "You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so...
CUT TO DWIGHT'S DESK
(All his bobble head baseball players are bobbing due to his nervous leg hitting the desk)
Dwight: (VO) It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos (Dwight, with a concerned look, looks over at the water-cooler to see Jim laughing at something Toby and Oscar are talking about)
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: Which puts me at a disadvantage, because, (picks up a water bottle) I bring my own water to work.
CUT TO OFFICE
(Kevin and Stanley are standing by the water-cooler which is now by Dwight's desk)
Stanley: Why'd you do this?
Dwight: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for...maintenance. (changing the subject) So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?
(Kevin and Stanley just look at each other)
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE
Michael: Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam...(camera pans over to Pam) Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is...drum roll please. (starts slapping desk) (singing) Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?
(Pam just looks at him, waiting for him to stop)
Michael: Who is it? Who's the birthday?
Pam: Um...(trying to speak above the drum roll) Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.
Michael: (still drumming) Next person on the...
Pam: Oh. (looks at paper)
Michael: ...calendar.
Pam: Okay, umm...that would be Meredith.
Michael: (stops drumming, claps hands) Yes! Alright, come on down Meredith!
Pam: But it's not until next month.
Michael: Um...uh, okay. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise.
Pam: You still want to have a party?
Michael: Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!
(No response from Pam)
Michael: (grabs cell phone off of desk) Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. (waves phone around Pam, making electronic sounds) Eeee. Eeeeee. Eeee. Eeeeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. (laughs at his own joke) Brr-rrrp. (closes phone) Star Trek.
CUT TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Angela, Pam, and Phyllis are sitting at the table)
Phyllis: Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could...it's stupid, forget it.
(Pam just sitting there silent)
Angela: (writing everything down) What?
Phyllis: I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
Angela: No, yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Phyllis: Yeah?
Angela: What color do you guys think?
Phyllis: Well, there's green, um, blue...yellow...red...
Pam: (interjecting) How about green?
Angela: I think green is kind of whoreish.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF PAM
Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.
CUT BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM
(Michael walks in)
Michael: These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!
QUICK CUT TO DUNDER MIFFLIN STAFF NEWSLETTER
(Headline: 80's PARTY A SUCCESS!, Dwight is pointing at Michael who is pointing at himself. Michael is dressed in a grey suit with a yellow t-shirt underneath and a Don Johnson style stubble. Dwight is dressed in a bright blue shirt, spaghetti tie, members only jacket and acid wash jeans. Meredith can be seen in the background dressed a little like Madonna)
CUT BACK TO CONFERENCE ROOM
Michael: So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.
Angela: Meredith's allergic to dairy, so...
Michael: She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so...
Pam: It is...her birthday.
Michael: (ignoring the comment) MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip? (walks out)
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
(Jim is making some copies, Dwight walks up)
Dwight: (not making eye contact) Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
(Jim thinks about it)
Dwight: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
(Jim looks around, then at Dwight)
Jim: (serious) Absolutely, I do.
Dwight: Good, good. Excellent, okay. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.
CUT TO A FLASHBACK OF DWIGHT AND JIM AT THEIR DESKS
Dwight: Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight: The gun show. (Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his "bicep", smiles a goofy smile at his "cleverness")
(Jim looks for a while, then goes back to his work unamused)
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. (chuckles) And then here he comes and he says "No, Jim, here's a way."
CUT BACK TO JIM AND DWIGHT AT THE COPIER
Dwight: There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. (deadly serious) Don't tell anyone.
CUT TO RECEPTION
Pam: An alliance?
Jim: Oh yeah.
Pam: (laughs) What does that even mean?
Jim: I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure.
(Pam laughs)
Jim: Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.
Dwight: (from across the room) Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the...paper products?
CUT TO DWIGHT AND JIM IN THE BREAK ROOM
Dwight: Did you tell Pam about the alliance?
Jim: What? No.
Dwight: Just now.
Jim: What? Oh no no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, FOR the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? PAM.
Dwight: Right, that's good, good, pursue this.
Jim: Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing?
Dwight: Mmm hmm.
Jim: But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. Alright? And there my be chatting, and giggling. And you just gotta pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.
Dwight: Done.
Jim: Alright.
(Jim comes out of the room and gives the camera a look of triumph)
(The door closes on Dwight, Dwight peeks out between the blinds)
CUT TO MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE
Michael: (to the camera) Can you get her? She's right there. (camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk) That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this...is Meredith's card. (holds up a card with a cartoon bird with real feathers on the bum, the card reads "HAPPY BIRD-DAY") Happy Bird-Day. (starts laughing and opens the card) Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers." Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, "Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael." (pretends to vomit) (starts laughing)
CUT TO DWIGHT AND JIM SPYING ON TOBY AND KEVIN IN THE KITCHEN EATING LUNCH
Dwight: They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?
Jim: Yeah, what do you think that's about?
Dwight: Only one way to find out.
Jim: I'm on it.
(Jim gives Dwight a nod and goes into room)
CUT TO PARKING LOT
(Camera is kind of far away)
Jim: You are not going to believe this.
Dwight: What? I believe it.
Jim: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Dwight: I could tell, from the body language.
CUT TO KITCHEN
(Jim is just standing there casually)
Jim: Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?
(Camera swings in front of Jim, in the background we can see Dwight watching through the blinds)
Kevin: Italian.
Jim: (turns to Dwight for a second) Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone...
Kevin: Yeah.
Jim: (VO) Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
CUT BACK TO PARKING LOT
Dwight: Good, let 'em. It helps our cause.
Jim: Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...
Dwight: Oh, they're forming an alliance
CUT BACK TO KITCHEN
Toby: I love their sandwiches.
Jim: I love their sandwiches too.
Kevin: Their bread's really good.
Jim: Their bread is VERY good.
CUT BACK TO PARKING LOT
Dwight: (frustrated) Damn it. God! (kicks the tire on a red car)
(Car alarm starts going off, Jim pulls out keys and disarms it, (it was his car))
Jim: Okay, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight: (taking this way too seriously) God Damn it! Why us?
Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: (staring at card) Meredith, Meredith...Meri...Mary had a little lamb. Mary...Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.
(Knock on door)
Michael: (startled) Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up?
Oscar: Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
Michael: Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on?
Oscar: My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to...you know...if...
Michael: What?
Oscar: Donate to the charity?
Michael: Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.
Oscar: Thank you.
Michael: No, I'm always good...for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you...$25.
Oscar: (shocked) That's...that's...that's very generous.
Michael: Oh, my gosh, well...Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into...morale. That's what I say, so...(clicks tongue)
(Oscar gives Michael probably the first and last nod of admiration)
CUT TO JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA
Pam: (in a slight whisper) Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?
(Dwight overhears, tries to listen without being obvious)
Jim: Sure, what's up?
Pam: Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?
Jim: Oh no?
Pam: Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, "These people are my friends." But he's all like, "This is confidential. You can't tell anybody." But I just feel like I want to...aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything.
Jim: No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.
Pam: Okay, yeah.
(Jim takes off with Pam, Dwight sits at his desk and nods)
Dwight: (to himself) Jackpot.
Jim: (VO) That was beautiful.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF JIM
Jim: All her idea too. Awesome. (thoughtful) She is so great. (realizes he's on camera, looks up and tries to play it off)
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Michael is still looking at the card)
Michael: Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath. (looks at camera)
(Dwight comes in quickly and closes the door)
Dwight: Hey, you wanted to see me?
Michael: Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
Dwight: I don't think she'd be missed.
Michael: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, Okay? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Dwight: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundees.
Michael: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael: (clueless) Which on is that again?
Dwight: That's where they remove the uterus.
Michael: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
Dwight: It could be kind of funny.
Michael: You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just...okay. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight.
(Dwight leaves, with a little bit of a sad look on his face)
Michael: That was a waste of time.
CUT TO DWIGHT AND JIM HAVING ANOTHER ONE OF THEIR MEETINGS IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Jim: Okay, here's the deal. Alright? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday.
Dwight: Oh my God, we have to be there.
Jim: I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there.
Dwight: No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.
Jim: What? What?
Dwight: I know. I know exactly what to do. (holds up hand)
Jim: (gives Dwight a high five) Great.
Dwight: (VO) I'm a deer hunter.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are...at vision.
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
Dwight: This is going to be perfect, okay? Centrally located. (starts climbing into a cardboard box) Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything.
Jim: (helping him) Good.
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
(Ryan knocks on the door wearing a party hat)
Ryan: Michael? Are you done yet?
Michael: Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. Okay, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on!
(Everybody in the office is wearing a party hat and gather up front)
Michael: Shhh. Be quiet.
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
(Dwight is crouched in the cardboard box)
Jim: Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.
Dwight: So tape it down.
Jim: I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe.
Dwight: Look, I can breathe just fine. Okay, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.
Jim: Thank you, thank you. Okay.
(closes the lid to the cardboard box)
CUT TO OFFICE AREA
(Phyllis is standing with the cake, door opens)
(Angela and Meredith walk in)
Everybody: Surprise!
Meredith: Oh! (turns to Angela) Surprise.
Angela: No, it's ah...
Michael: It's surprise Meredith. One, two...
Everybody: (at different times) Happy birthday to you.
Michael: Find a key.
Everybody: Happy birthday...
CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE
Jim: So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?
(Dwight pops out like a jack-in-the-box)
Dwight: No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone.
Jim: Right...That's good.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: Can I trust Jim? I don't know.
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
(Jim is using an excessive amount of tape to close the box)
Dwight: (VO) Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes.
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: Should I trust Jim? You tell me.
CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE
(Jim finishes taping box)
(In the background, faintly heard, "...birthday, dear Meredith...")
(A warehouse guy passes Jim, Jim stands next to the box nonchalantly)
(Background, "...Happy birthday to you...")
Michael: (OS) And many more!
CUT TO THE OFFICE AND EVERYBODY EATING CAKE AND TALKING
Stanley: Last year, five years ago...
CUT TO MICHAEL TALKING TO MEREDITH, PHYLLIS AND ANGELA
(Everybody but Meredith is eating cake)
Michael: You were surprised, weren't you?
Meredith: Yes.
Michael: You looked freaked, man. We said "Surprise." (puts a mouthful of cake in his mouth) You were, like, "What?" "What the hell's goin' on here?" Good cake. Why don't you have some?
Meredith: Uh, I can't. Um...
Michael: (pushing a forkful of cake toward her) Come on. A little bit.
Meredith: I can't eat dairy.
Michael: Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good.
Meredith: Yeah, it makes me sick.
Michael: You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself.
(Angela gives Michael a disaproving look)
Michael: (oblivious) 'Cause this is way, way too good.
CUT TO WAREHOUSE
(camera zooms in on a taped up box with two little holes on the side)
Pam: (VO) He's in a box?
Jim: (VO) Pam, he's in a box.
CUT TO PARTY
Jim: He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves.
(Pam starts cracking up)
Jim: I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic.
CUT TO PAM COMING DOWN THE STAIRS TO THE WAREHOUSE.
Pam: (VO) Hey where are you?
CUT TO PAM ON STANDING NEAR THE DWIGHT BOX
Pam: (on cell phone) Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? (tries not to laugh) Oh my gosh!
(camera zooms in on box, Dwight is cutting a larger hole in it)
Pam: That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do?
(Box starts falling over)
Pam: (trying really hard not to laugh) It said specifically that...
(Box falls over, Pam can't hold it anymore and runs off still trying not to laugh)
Dwight: (pained) Oh.
CUT BACK TO PARTY
Michael: Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.
Jim: Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks?
Michael: Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.
Jim: Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So...God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.
(camera zooms in on Michaels drained face)
Michael: Is Oscar around?
CUT TO MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael: I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know...25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so...
Oscar: Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is.
Michael: I know...
Oscar: It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, "However many dollars per mile."
Michael: Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...
Oscar: I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.
Michael: No, no no no no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't...No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just...it...it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?
Oscar: Yeah.
Michael: How many miles did he do last year?
Oscar: Last year, he walked 18 miles.
Michael: Son. Of. A. Bitch. That is impressive.
CUT BACK TO WAREHOUSE
(The box is still on it's side, all of a sudden we see a knife poke out the top, it's sawing all over the place)
(Then it stops, we hear the knife being clicked back into it's holder)
(Suddenly, a hand bursts through the top)
(Struggling a bit, Dwight emerges. Darryl, a warehouse worker is just standing in the back watching the whole thing)
(Was a knife really necessary to break out of a cardboard box?)
CUT BACK TO THE PARTY
Pam: Happy Birthday. (gives Meredith her card)
Michael: Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.
Meredith: "Happy Bird-day" (shows card to everybody) Um..."Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still." (everybody laughs, she smiles at Stanley who cheers her with his paper cup)
Michael: (under his breath) I don't know about that.
Meredith: That was Stanley. "Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam." (everybody awwws)
Michael: (pretends to vomit) Huh! Thanks, downer.
Meredith: This is from Michael. "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
(Everybody is silent)
Michael: Because of the downsizing. (catches himself) Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.
Meredith: No, I...I get it. It's funny.
Michael: (laughs) You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually...I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um...(shifts through sheets of paper) Oh, where's that? Oh, okay, here's a good one. Um..."Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?
(Everybody is shooting Michael a death glare now)
Meredith: You're right. You're right. Yes.
Michael: Divorce. Um...okay, "Meredith is so old..." (looks up expectantly)
Oscar: How old is she?
Michael: Everybody? If...could do it? "Meredith is so old..."
Everybody: (unenthusiastically) How old is she?
Michael: "She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her."
(Nobody laughs or moves)
Michael: That wasn't even mine. I got that off the internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me.
(Pam rubs Meredith's shoulder)
Oscar: Uh, nice party Michael.
Michael: This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. (The camera pans to the party planning beeyotches, they don't look pleased AT ALL.) The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.
Angela: Phyllis wanted red, I didn't.
Phyllis: (looks at Angela) Oh, boy...You...
(Everybody starts to dissipate)
Michael: Okay, we...alright. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. Okay, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are...a group of people...who work together. I was...I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's...walkathon. Twenty-five dollars.
Oscar: (re-emphasizing) Per mile.
Michael: Per mile, yes.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: When I retire, I...don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.
CUT BACK TO THE FAILED PARTY
(Michael is writing a check)
Michael: A check for the kids, and for the team. (VO) I want it to be like...
CUT BACK TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF MICHAEL
Michael: ..."Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what, (whispering) that was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous, how do you know?" "Because I'm him."
CUT BACK TO PARTY
(Michael give Oscar the check)
Oscar: Thank you, Michael.
(Michael starts clapping, hoping others will join in, but no one does)
Michael: Come here. (Grabs Oscar for a hug) (In a low voice) Don't cash that till Friday, okay?
CUT TO TOBY AND RYAN LEANING AGAINST THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Toby: Really? Today?
Ryan: Yeah.
Toby: Oh, Happy Birthday.
Ryan: Thanks.
Toby: Yeah, I could say something.
Ryan: No, don't. Don't do that.
CUT TO RECEPTION
(Jim is jogging towards Pam's desk)
Jim: (excited) Okay, okay. I have something that TOTALLY tops the box.
(Grabs Pam's chair and leans in close so he can talk quietly)
Pam: Oh, tell me, tell me.
Jim: Okay. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and...(Pam covers her face and starts laughing)...spy on our other branch. (Jim grabs her free hand) No no no.
CUT TO EARLIER IN DWIGHT AND JIM'S DESK AREA
Jim: (VO) But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
(Dwight pats his hair with both hands)
CUT BACK TO RECEPTION
(Jim puts a hand on Pam's shoulder and covers his mouth with the other)
Pam: (laughing) That's perfect!
(The sound of a door opening can be heard)
Jim: If we can get him to drive to Connecticut...(Jim's hand moves to Pam's other shoulder and Pam grabs Jim's other hand, trying to steady herself as she laughs, they are really close now)...and put peroxide in his hair...
(Roy enters the scene)
Roy: (loudly) What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?
(Jim let's go of Pam and stands up really quickly)
Jim: No, no, dude, no.
(Roy moves in quick on Jim, Jim back up)
Pam: (quickly standing between Roy and Jim) Hey, HEY!
Jim: No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.
(The whole office is now looking)
Pam: Come on.
Jim: (a little panicky) God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. (points in the vague direction of his desk) Uh, um...
(Quick cut to Pam standing in front of a pissed off looking Roy)
Jim: Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. (nervous laughter) And then um...um...we were...we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um...
Pam: It's just office pranks.
Jim: It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks.
Roy: (looking at Dwight) An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?
(The camera pans over to Dwight who is hiding behind a plant)
Dwight: I have absolutely no idea.
(Jim just stands there speechless and a little betrayed)
Roy: Come on. (guides Pam away while giving Jim a nasty "watch yourself" look, Pam follows without saying a word)
(Jim stands there, dumbfounded, looks at everybody, then finally moves)
Dwight: (VO) Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not. At. All. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.
CUT TO INDUVIDUAL SHOT OF DWIGHT
Dwight: (With blond hair) That's politics baby. Get what you can outta someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.
THE END
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